Disturbing as it may be, I think we all learned what Rex Hudler gets off on this weekend.
During the game on Saturday afternoon, Steve Fizzyock and Rex Hudler had a special guest in the booth, none other than golf legend and Kansas City native Tom Watson.
Rex was surprisingly quiet for most of the interview, letting Fizzyock lob softballs to Tom about being a Royals fan, though Rex occasionally grunted in approval when Watson would tie golf to baseball.
Then Rex broke his self-imposed silence with an asinine question about how golfers deal with hecklers.
Predictably, Watson told Hudler that golfers don't really get heckled much.
Rex laughed and turned red and laughed some more and turned even redder.
Then he talked about the "gushing" wind of KC and how that must have made Tom a good golfer.
Then, and my apologies for the graphic nature of what follows, but Rex started touching himself inappropriately. And grunting more. And turning redder still.
Well, we have some photographic evidence so I won't have to elaborate much more. In any case, be thankful you can't see what is in Rex's right hand here:
But it gets worse.
After the interview, Rex said he was "shaking." He was "so overwhelmed talking with a legend like Tom Watson." He exhaled deeply several times. He was visibly sweating.
It was awkward.
He said he wanted to have the rest of the day off, that he needed to take a nap after that, and millions of fans crossed their fingers or prayed to their God that he would leave the booth.
Of course, he was just setting Fizzyock up for a Miller Time ad spot.
Or so it seemed.
But no, Rex really was drained of his bodily fluids and needed some replenishment.
Royales with Cheese has acquired some exclusive footage of the booth during the commercial break following the televised interview that proves Rex loves Tom Watson more than even Mrs. Watson does.
I must advise our more sensitive readers to not look at the following Rexual Hudgasm:
That's the first time I've seen Rex put down his baseball. I guess that's probably the only thing he puts it down for.
In the unnatural post-coital atmosphere that followed, Rex talked about how much he enjoyed Watson, how rattled he was by the experience, how he wished Tom would have stayed longer, had held him tight, had whispered in his ear how he was even more beautiful now than at the beginning of the interview.
But alas, Tom was gone.
Eventually, Rex collected himself and proceeded to wax poetically about Dancing with the Stars for the next two innings.
Of course he did. Rex Hudler's a treasure, folks.
A goddamn broadcasting treasure.
Go Royals! Fire Rex Hudler!