June 5, 2012

Royals Draft Analysis From Your Dad

Royales With Cheese is excited to announce a brand new contributor to the RWC family. He hails from your basement den and spends most of his time on a twenty-year-old Barca Lounger with one hand on his junk and the other nursing a beer in a koozie that says "I Wish You'd Go Away" in neon green letters.  He's seen countless years of KC sports failure but has had the ability to maintain his sanity through a riveting mixture of sarcasm, annoying observations, and narcissism.  That's right folks . . .It's Your Dad.

Now sit back and enjoy our exclusive interview with this expert regarding the first and second round draft picks of the Kansas City Royals in the 2012 MLB draft.

PD:  So did you watch this year's draft?

Dad:  You serious?  You know I was watching the Finding Bigfoot marathon on Animal Planet.

PD: Yeah, that's a pretty good show I guess.

Dad:  Heck yeah it is, I love that Bobo.

PD:  Me too, me too.  Anyway I was hoping to get your opinion on the first two draft picks by the Royals this . . .

Dad:  They suck.

PD:  You didn't let me finish . . I was hoping to get your opinion on the first two draft picks by the Royals this . . .

Dad:  No, I know what you're asking and I'm telling you they suck.

PD:  Do you even know who they drafted?

Dad:  No, but it doesn't matter.  All the Royals early draft picks are terrible.

PD:  Well that's not true, what about Moustakas? Hosmer? Butler? Greinke? Gordon? Appier? Willie Wilson?

Dad:  Those guys were first round draft picks?. . . All I remember is that Luke Hocheesbar. He reminds me of your Uncle Rick, a real stumblebum with those big ears and a shit-eating grin.

PD: We'll, it's hard to argue with that.

Dad:  Past is Present.

PD: What?

Dad: Nevermind.

PD:  Anyway the Royals drafted right-handed pitcher Kyle Zimmer from the University of San Francisco Dons with their first pick in the draft this year.


PD:  What... Andrew Zimmern?  No. Kyle's a legit prospect.  Good fastball, above average curve.  Average change.

Dad:  Well, I wouldn't put it past the Royals to take someone like him.

PD: Like who?

Dad: Andrew Zimmern.

PD: You still on that?  Anyway no seriously, it's an interesting pick.  He could be a legit number two pitcher in the bigs someday, or he could be a bust; it's gutsy, but somewhat indicative of a win-now attitude.


PD: Dad, focus!

Dad:  Ok, Ok!  He's going to suck, no doubt about that, but even worse he's going to be too busy smoking the doobs to do anything but stay out of jail.

PD: Huh?

Dad: We'll you said he's from San Francisco.  San Fran . . . Hippy . . .Loser . . .Obama.

PD: Whatever.  Well what about our second round pick, Sam Selman, a lefty out of Vanderbilt?

Dad:  Spoiled.  He's a Vanderbilt, he's going to come in here and act all entitled, hating on KC, wishing he was back in his hoity-toity mansion, eating fish eggs.

PD:  Seriously, what the fuck are you talking about the Vanderbilt family?  What does that have to do with anything?

Look at this privileged SOB with his 
muttonchops and cravat. . .

Dad: If you cant see past the horizon you'll never cross it.

PD:  Bah!  Get back to Finding Bigfoot.

Dad:  Okay,  Now we can finally see if those noises in the night were a chipmunk or a Squatch.

PD:  Later, Dad . . .

Dad:  unintelligible grunt

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