BIG NEWS, GANG! My bumblin' intern Striving Forbush told me about this here little 'blog and said you kids could sure use a pick-me-upper with the way your favorite baseball club has been playin' of late! Striving said, "Hey Uncle Stan, how's 'bout you bring yer cockeyed optimism and good humor to Royals fans 'round the world?" And I answered, "Well, Striving, I'm rollin' in bread with my latest comic book movie making over a zillion clams, so good luck gettin' this here smile off this here mug! I can write 5000 words in ten minutes, so if they want a rhapsodic writer, they got it!"
DUBIOUS DISPATCH! I realize Royales with Cheese is a humor sensation, so Smilin' Stan will do his best to keep the laughs comin'! I've got a whole kaboodle of witty wonderments to marry your ever-lovin'-blue-wearin' team to the world of comics! Thank Odin for that!
FACE FRONT, FELLAS! For your Fearless Leader's primordial post, I figured I'd latch onto the latest cinematic craze, The Avengers! But these ain't your granpappy's Avengers, these are The AAAAvengers!
That's four A's, fellas! These Royals are more major than the minors, but not big enough yet for the bigs! You'll notice how the Avengers we use for this exercise will be compatible with the Royals in every way. That means no Hulk, Iron Man, Cap, or Thor! But fear not, True Believers, as yours truly personally created a plethora of AAAA-quality Avenger personalities! Let's get started, gang!
ITEM: What do you get when you cross the brilliant brain and brute strength of Felipe Paulino with everyone's favorite furry-formed mutant, Dr. Hank McCoy, AKA The Beast? You get a player who can pitch with his hands AND his feet! He can strike out batters, solve math equations, and groom himself simultaneously! Fangs a lot, you indigo idol!
ITEM: This one's so simple, it's sensational! Let's cross the supersonic speed of Jarrod Dyson with the winged wheels of Pietro Maximoff, AKA Quicksilver! You'll get a fella so fast that even the Comic Code Authority won't catch him! That's what speed do, indeed, True Believers!
ITEM: What do you get when you cross ravishin' Royals reliever Tim Collins with Dr. Henry Pym, better known as original Avenger Ant-Man? Why, you get a tittilatin' Tale to Astonish: Pym Collins, natch! Picture it, True Believers! A baseball player with power over the insects! Why, he could lead an army of ants into the visitin' clubhouse and bite some Brewer buttinski!
THAT'S A WRAP, ROYALS FANS! Yours truly will be back with more Royal-Marvel-Two-In-One's and other brain-blasters and block-busters from the glorious golden age of comic composition! 'Nuff said!
PS: WHAT DO YOU THINK, HEROES? Pretty jazzy, eh? Any comments, suggestions, or (*gulp*) criticisms? Can this bombastic 'blog handle another series of perplexin' posts with little or no connection to the baseball team that inspired it? Grab yourself a sheet of swingin' stationery and send me your mighty missives! You may just win yourself a great, earth-shakin' No Prize!