July 31, 2012

Welcome DJ!

Hello Sports Fans! It's been a heck of a miserable start to the second half for our Royals! Wouldn't you say? Well I'll be damned if we didn't get a bit of good news today when the Royals traded a fat fatty right-hander named Jonathan Broxton to the Reds in exchange for a firsty firsty left-hander named Donnie Joseph. 

Besides the fact that he is the only person in the United States under forty named Donnie, I don't know anything about Donnie Joseph. I don't care. I gave up on the season weeks ago. I'll let other blogs discuss his potential and how he fits into the 2013 Royals. I'll let other blogs discuss his Glamour Shots photo shoot and how he doesn't know how to wear his damn hat.

Instead, for no reason at all, I am going to post a list of Donnies that have influenced my life.

And, we're off!

Donnie Sadler - Trading for a guy like Donnie Sadler just reminds you as a Royals fan, how little chance there is of our team winning. Royals history is littered with short-term, benign acquisitions like this. Wilson Delgado. Jay Witasick. Rondell White. It never ends.

Donnie Boyce (left) - This fucking guy tore up the Big 8 Conference in the early 90s as (for some reason) a Colorado Buffalo. His NBA career never amounted to much. I think he's still alive.

Donnie Darko - I hate Donnie Darko. The character. The film. Everything. It don't make no sense. Just ask Emil Brown. 

Donnie Wahlberg - One time Donnie Wahlberg was on this show that I really liked called Boomtown. That's it.

Donnie Jeffcoat - Along with Omar Gooding and some red headed yatch, Donnie Jeffcoat entertained me every weekday afternoon during Wild and Crazy Kids on Nickelodeon. Turns out he's gay. 

That's it Royals fans! Sorry, Emil Brown can't post every day. Deal with it.

Go Donnies! You're the Best!

July 30, 2012

Convicting the Judge

Hello sports fans! Eli Convict here again to break down this cataclysmic Royals season!  If you've forgotten how the system works, you can read all about it here.  My previous evaluation of the team at the all-important eleven game mark is here.

This is Convicting the Royals:

Why do we call it "Convicting the Royals," you might ask? Because following the team is like a prison sentence.

I know it's been a while since I posted one of these evaluations, but that 12-game losing streak in the first couple weeks of the season unleashed one of Eli Convict's patented benders.  I was on a three-month drunk up until... well, I guess I'm still on it.  Happy Anniversary to me!

During the bender, I've watched a lot of Royals baseball through my inebriated fog and kept track of every facet of the game with Ron Popeil's patented RonCo Stat-o-matic points system!  Here are the totals through Game 101, played yesterday in Seattle:

While the team sort of righted the ship and played decent in May and June, July has been a disaster. Of their 19 losses in the month (so far), seven of them have come against the Mariners, who before this stretch, were considered by many to be even worse than the Royals. KC's season record now sits at 40-61, and losing 100 games is a possibility.  With the Olympics and Chiefs training camp, the Royals will be an afterthought for most people moving forward. 

Now, we don't need to discuss everybody on the board today.  I imagine most fans will have a good idea why people scored the way they did.  But it's always fun to take a closer look at a few guys who truly stand out.

Billy Butler = 1221 Points - One of the few Royals worth a damn. One of the few reasons to keep watching the team this year is to see if he can get close to Steve Balboni's Royals home run record.

Malt Liquor = 40 Ounces - I started off the season drowning my sorrows in bottles of Boulevard.  In July, I've been guzzling forties of King Cobra Malt Liquor. I have no doubt I'll be pickling my liver with harder stuff by September.

Jonathan Broxton = 27 Points - He's been serviceable as the closer, but nearly every Royals reliever could have done the job, and with strike-outs, too.  Broxton will get 100 Bonus RonCo points if he's traded for something worthwhile.


Rex Hudler = - 143 Points - Hey Rex, you got to go! 

Jeff Francoeur = - 426 Points - What can you say about the worst everyday player in baseball (even worse than Yuni)? He's been a colossal waste of time and money this year.  Wil Myers could have done this well. Mitch Maier could have done this well. Hell, Chief Meyers could have done this well, and he's been dead for over 40 years. 

Ned Yost = - 894 Points - He hasn't had much to work with in regards to starting pitching, so we can't fault him too much for that.  But his ineptitude when it comes to building a lineup is staggering.  Yuniesky Betancourt and Jeff Francoeur are the two worst players on the team and two of the worst players in all of baseball.  So where does Ned bat them?  Consistently in the fourth, fifth, or sixth spots of the order. Brilliant. 

Lee Judge = - 999 Points - The Polk Points system is idiotic, as is most of Judge's analysis. If you don't believe me, consider this: he thinks Hosmer has been more valuable than Gordon this year.

But that isn't the worst of it.  In his recap of Sunday's game, Judge made this snide remark in the second sentence of his opening paragraph: "The Royals offense, which is showing more heart than many Royals fans, battled back..."

That's right, this dogshit team has more heart than fans who have spent decades supporting it with thousands of hours and thousands of dollars.  Fans who have pledged undying loyalty to a moribund, hopeless franchise. Fans who read his stupid blog or our stupid blog just because they love this awful team.

Let me tell you something, if you have watched even one game of this turd of a team this year, you have heart.  If you've suffered through even one game on TV listening to Rex Hudler bloviate bullshit out of his mouth hole just so you can see this turd of a team you love, you have heart.  If you have gone to even one game, have fought traffic, have sat in the heat, have bought their overpriced food and drink, in support of this turd of a team you love you have heart. If you ever wear a Royals hat or shirt, making you subject to public ridicule and scorn for supporting  this team that has been one of the worst in baseball for nearly thirty years, this turd of a team you love, you have heart.

You know who doesn't have heart?  Lee Judge.  We knew he was lacking in the brain department, but it's also clear that he has no sympathy for you, the Royals fan. So fuck him.

Now where did I put my drink?

Go to Hell, Lee Judge! You're the Worst!

Read more here: http://royals.kansascity.com/games/445/#storyli

July 26, 2012

Lucky in E-Cards, Unlucky in Baseball

It's time once again for another edition of Royals E-Cards!  Remember that you can click on any of the cards below and be taken to someecards.com where you can save the card for yourself or share it with your fellow Royals sufferers via twitter, facebook, or e-mail!

Please to enjoy:

If you liked those, check out more of our Royals E-Cards here.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 24, 2012

Royals vs. Cards: Attack of the Clones

Vincent Edward Jackson, or Bo, as he is known, may be the only true superstar athlete to ever play in Kansas City.  George Brett is without a doubt the greatest Royal and universally known and revered, but he never quite reached Bo's status in American pop culture.

Bo was an amazing athlete, racking up the yards on the gridiron as a Raider and on Tecmo Bowl, and hitting homers and throwing out runners on the diamond as a Royal.  George was still the more valuable Royal, but he was no Bo Jackson.  Bo was all over television from Sesame Street to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air to ProStars, a Saturday morning cartoon that also starred Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan.

Bo knows Bo Peep.

Bo Jackson was everywhere; we'll probably never see another Royal with his level of fame. Of course, with superstardom came numerous baseball cards, including a lot of unlicensed knockoffs that used images stolen from various magazine shoots, Nike ads, and even legitimate cards. Traders tend to refer to these as "Oddball" or "Broder" cards, and they really are pretty goofy. In today's edition of Royals vs. Cards, we'll be looking at the most bullshit of these bullshit Bo Jackson cards.

1991 AAMER (No #):

We have to give AAMER some credit here, as they didn't just slap an image on a card and call it good.  No, they slapped half of an image and half of another image on a card and called it good.  Unfortunately, the combination of the two images is a massive fail because the lighting & shadows are completely different with each headshot, not to mention how the helmet/faceguard & turtleneck/ballcap just look ridiculous cut off as they are.  Of course, the worst offense is cutting off the U in Running Back so it reads RJNNING BACK.

1990 Special Edition (No #):

Hell, maybe AAMER wasn't so innovative.  Special Edition (clever name!) has also combined two halves of Bo.  Actually, I'm not sure it's 50/50.  Maybe 60/40 or 65/35.  Though Bo's holding a bat with his right hand and a third creepy severed hand, perhaps Thing from the Addams Family or Ash's hand from Evil Dead 2, so that's pretty badass.

1990 Poster Picks (No #):

That pink Poster Picks band in the top right corner is there to cover up the Nike logo. This photo was used in the popular Bo Knows print ads that featured legendary musician Bo Diddley.  The television commercials for the Bo Knows campaign were some of the best of all time. Unfortunately, this is a clear case of some random company basically xeroxing an image, putting a blurry print of Bo's taint on a blank card, and selling it themselves. The text should read "Bo Knows Copyright Infringement."

1990 Bo Knows #10:

Bo knows unitards!

1990 Bo Knows #7:

Bo knows riding crops. 


Also, Bo would be a terrible jockey.

1990 Brain Power (No #):

Bo knows stonewashed jeans, mustard-color socks, and Ernest Hemingway novels.  I would like to see some verification of his doctorate, however.

1990 Bo Knows #A:

Yo, Bo! Why is Bart Simpson so big?  And why is he floating six inches off the ground? And why are there still new Simpsons episodes airing eighteen years after Bo Jackson retired from baseball?  

1990 Bo Knows #B:

Bart's image has been reversed from the previous card, but he's still huge and floating!  And still the intellectual property of Matt Groening and Fox! Radical, Bo!

1990 Bo Knows #C:

Hey, they found another unlicensed Bart Simpson image to use!  But they apparently only had one Bo Jackson with a surfboard image.  For some reason, the two of them are lying in a puddle of bright yellow urine, rather than the traditional grey abyss.  Surf's up, Bo!

1993 Broder (No #):

Bo knows alleged pederasts!

Just kidding. 

Nobody ever made an oddball card out of this awesome Michael Jackson/Bo Jackson picture.  But that gives me an idea...

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 21, 2012

A Whole New Ball Game

It's been three weeks since our last installment of Rex Hudler, M.D. That's mostly because I was really put off by the hacky "it was all a dream" shit that they pulled with the evil blogger-exploding cabin storyline.  Despite that, the last strip was quite erotic, as we learned that Rex is constantly requesting b-jibbers from Linda Ronstadt.  Rex likes that! That's proper!

Anyway, let's check in on him this week. We join Rex and Linda in the bedroom, once again:

(click to supersize)

Wow. I think that's the first of the eight strips we've run that actually references Rex's day job as a doctor. What did you think M.D. stood for, anyway?  Just because Rex is a sub-moronic baseball commentator by night doesn't mean he can't hack up 38 nutsacs by day. 

Which reminds me of a joke: What's the difference between Rex Hudler the color guy and Rex Hudler the urologist?  

There's a vas deferens. 

Go Worm Burners! You're the Best!

July 19, 2012

The Prospect vs. The Probotector

The Royals have pissed off a lot of fans this season because they've delayed calling up talented outfielder Wil Myers.  Myers has far exceeded expectations in Omaha this year, but Dayton Moore has yet to bring him to the show. 

Super Two has been cited by many analysts as the reason for waiting.  Every year GMs play the Super Two game, and every year it angers fans.

But we must look inward.  We non-GMs try to cheat the system all the time: flooring it to get through a yellow light, filling a "water cup" with soda at Quiznos, using Sparknotes to write a literary analysis, pushing up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A before playing Contra, marrying an elderly dowager with a big bank account and then pushing her down a flight of stairs, etc. 

So if Dayton Moore wants to play the Super Two game with Wil Myers, who are we to judge?

For anyone who doesn't know the Super Two rule, basically if a player has been in the majors for more than two but less than three years, has more playing time than 83% of his class, and has been on a major league roster for 86 days the previous season, he gets an extra year of arbitration, which means a decent paycheck a year earlier than normal. 

 But according to all accounts, we're well beyond the Super Two deadline for this year (which is never a consistent date, obviously, as it is determined later who qualifies for Super Two). 

So what's the hold up?  Why not promote Myers? The offensive production from our right fielder is shit. The Royals won't be going to the playoffs this year. Myers is the future. Why wait?

Even more confounding is that last year Moore brought up Hosmer well before the deadline, so it's very likely he'll be a Super Two.  Myers has looked better in Omaha than Hosmer did and for a longer time, but he remains in AAA.  And to make matters worse, Hosmer is pretty much blowing goats in KC this season and maybe should have spent some time back in the minors this year, but that's another issue altogether.

There is a twist to the Super Two waiting game this year for Wil Myers.  The real obstacle, it turns out, likely isn't, nor ever was it, Super Two.  It is Dayton Moore's love affair with a big-toothed, bug-eyed buffoon named Jeff Francoeur. 

Moore gave this goober a two-year contract last fall, which has become a major roadblock to Wil's major-league debut. But there is hope on the horizon, as only a couple more Frenchy Quarter promotions remain on the schedule, and one happens to be today. Maybe Moore's plan is to delay trading Frenchy until tomorrow, so he doesn't get stuck with a bunch of Frenchy Quarter t-shirts and unhappy Facebook fans/Lee Judge tonight.  

A recent story from ESPN does have Cincinnati and Cleveland interested in Frenchy. Hopefully one of them bites, and soon. And if he ends up going to Ohio, we can start calling the Buckeye State the Bucktooth-Crazy Eye State.
Wocka wocka!

Let's hope this is resolved soon.  With Wil patrolling right field, Royals fans will finally have a reason to watch the second half of this godawful season. And I'll finally have a reason to stop photo-shopping screenshots from Contra.

 Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 17, 2012

Sharting Pitcher: Jonathan Sanchez

The Royals have finally designated Jonathan Sanchez for assignment.  You can visit about forty other Royals blogs to read the same analysis over and over regarding this development, but only Royales with Cheese has this exclusive image:

Go Verdugo! Please Redeem this Trade!

July 16, 2012

Royals vs. Cards: The Evil Escapes

Today we'll be looking at some baseball cards featuring one of the forgotten Royals.  His name is Luis Manuel de los Santos Martinez, and despite being a second-round draft pick in 1984 and one of the top minor league hitters for several years, he never really got much of a chance with Kansas City.  

De los Santos was born in the Dominican Republic but grew up in Queens with ten other siblings. He was a tall, lanky first basemen who hit a lot but didn't have much power.  He still managed to rack up the RBI, maintain a healthy average, make several minor-league all-star teams, and win the 1988 American Association MVP. 

So why don't most Royals fans know who he is?  Well, DeLo only played in two short stints with the big-league club in 1988 and 1989, managing a little over 100 at-bats total.  His average wasn't great and he didn't hit a home run, but he was still just 22 years old and one of the top players in AAA.  In 1988, USA Today ran a piece on DeLo comparing him to Don Mattingly.  In 1989, he had a brief moment of glory when his two-RBI hit beat Tommy John in New York against the Yankees. But he didn't get called up at all in 1990, and the Royals released him in April of 1991. 

To be fair, the Royals had a good first baseman in DeLo's prime years: future Hall of Famer George Brett.  But they also had a lot of other shit first basemen on the big league roster during these years, including Bill Buckner, Steve Balboni, Pat Tabler, and Todd Benzinger (who was the starter in 1991 when de los Santos was released). DeLo could also play third, but Kevin Seitzer was firmly entrenched there.  His basic problem was that he wasn't a power hitter at a time when his positions were increasingly determined by home run totals.

Luis de los Santos would play a little bit in 1991 for the Tigers, bounce around their minor league system for a couple of years, then head off into the world.  He played for teams in Taiwan, Korea, Japan, Mexico, and Italy over the next decade. He came back to the States in 2002 and ended his professional dream with the Rochester Red Wings, Baltimore's AAA affiliate. 

"Thanks," you're probably saying, "for making me read 400 words on some loser who has the same number of major league home runs as I do.  Very educational.  But none of this is funny.  Make with the comedy bits."

This is where DeLo's baseball cards come into play.

See, despite all that stuff up there, I didn't know de los Santos any better than you before I did the research.

In fact, I'll tell you why he made a lasting impression on me as a youngster: 


When I was a kid, my older siblings subjected me to a lot of stuff I shouldn't have been seeing: Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Hellraiser, Small Wonder, you name it.  If it was scary or gory or gross or playing on KZKC Channel 62, we were watching it.

And Luis de los Santos was scarier than Michael Myers, Jason, Freddy, Pinhead, and Vicki combined.  DeLo looked like a surlier version of doomed character actor Rick Aviles, probably best known as Willie Lopez in the hit film Ghost.  I saw DeLo in games on TV some, sure, but he really made this disturbing impression on me with his baseball cards.

Here, have a look at this dude's scowl, his thousand-yard stare, his creepy molestache, and tell me he wouldn't frighten a 1980s pre-pubescent surbanite:

1986 Jennings Southern League All-Stars #9:

1988 ProCards Triple A All-Stars #30:

1989 Fleer #646:

1989 Upper Deck #12:

1989 Fleer Update #37:

1990 CMC Triple A All-Stars #2:

For years, I had nightmares about DeLo slowly murdering me with a Louisville Slugger: his furrowed brow, his clenched jaw, and his jheri curl spattered red with my blood, brains, and entrails.

But hey, apparently he was a pretty good baseball player, too, who just never got his shot. 

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

July 15, 2012

Sweet Nothings

The Royals and White Sox are locked up once again this weekend with the getaway day game deciding it.  AL All-Star Chris Sale is taking on Mr. Goodcents Punch Card Holder Luis Mendoza, which shows you how wide the gap is between first and fourth in this division.

Before the game, we'd like to revisit one of our least popular posts, Sex Talk with Rex and Hawk!  Rex "Wonderdog" Hudler and Ken "Hawk" Harrelson are two of the biggest tools in broadcasting today, but they sure know how to dish out the relationship advice.

Let's open up the mailbag and see how these two idiots can help.

Dear Rex & Hawk—
My girlfriend and I started off hot and heavy, but now that we live together, we don’t have sex nearly as often. Is this normal?

Getting too comfortable?

Rex: Most players would rather start hot… than not.

Hawk: Sit back, relax, and strap it down.

R & H—
I’ve only been with one other girl, but my girlfriend has been with a few guys.  Should I lie to her about the number of girls I’ve slept with?


Hawk: Put a big crooked number up there.

Rex: Rex doesn’t like that.

Hey Baseball Dipshits—
I’ve been dating this guy for three weeks and everything was going great. The other night a story about Mitt Romney came on the news, and he and I suddenly were in a furious debate about politics. It turns out he’s a staunch conservative and I’m a bleeding heart liberal.  Can this relationship ever work?

Democrat in Distress

Hawk: Gotta bristle up right here.

Rex: This is how you build character, it’s a character building exercise.

Sex Talkers—
I’ve been married for twenty years, but I’m pretty sure I’m a lesbian. What do I tell my husband?

Lezbo in Limbo

Hawk: You’re in the catbird seat.

Rex: Talk about a knuckle sandwich. This is a… also called a jam sandwich.

Dear Goofus & Gallant—
My husband loves full-figured women, but I’m small breasted.  Should I get a boob job?

Flat as a Board

Hawk: You can put it on the board, YES!

Rex: I love having a rock in my hand!

Hey H&H—
I’m a girl in high school who has never been asked to the dance. One of my guy friends really likes me but he’s shy about these things. Is it okay for me to ask him to Homecoming?

Desperate to Dance

Hawk: Pull the string on him right there!

Rex: When in doubt, talk it out!

Dear Sex Talk—
I’m in a great relationship with the love of my life, but we’re just not sexually compatible.  I’ve never had an orgasm and worry that I never will if I don’t move on.  Is bad sex a good enough reason to break up with someone who is otherwise the man of my dreams?


Hawk: That’s a hang wiff ‘em!

Rex: This young man has not become a man in a man’s game yet.

Dear Sexperts—
I just found out I’m pregnant but I don’t know who the dad is… I have a really awesome boyfriend who loves me, but I slept with two other guys recently. Should I tell all of them the situation or just tell my boyfriend that he got me pregnant? I don’t know what to do!

Hoochie (soon to be) Mama

Hawk: Before we show you our picks to click, you at home select yours.

Rex: You’re playing for the future family you haven’t started yet.

Hey Morons—
Any hot tips for better sex?

Could use some moves

Hawk: Getting ridden hard and put away wet.

Rex: Yeah, throttle that! Great head position! Have a night!

Dear Rex & Hawk—
I tell myself everyday that I won’t masturbate, but then I masturbate like four or five times.  How can I keep my hands off of myself?!

Rosey Palmer

Rex: That’s a pocket ball. Just put that in your pocket.

Hawk: That’s just a meat-seeking missile.

We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Sex Talk with Rex & Hawk. Please remember that the views expressed by these two jackasses do not necessarily reflect the views of Royales with Cheese.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 13, 2012

10 Games Under

Hello Royals Fans! The All-Star Game has come and gone and we are just minutes away from the start of the second half of another forgettable season of Kansas City Royals baseball. Last year at the All-Star Break, the Royals were 17 games under .500 and 11.5 games out of first. This year, they are 10 games under .500 and 9.5 games out of first. And they're not in last. Yet. So that's good news, right?

In any case, I for one am looking forward to the second half. Remember Lorenzo Cain? He's back in the lineup tonight!

Remember Doug Davis? He will probably pitch for the Royals at some point. Actually, that's nothing to be excited about. Nevermind. 

Remember Jermaine Dye? Maybe he will come out of retirement to play right field when the Royals trade Jeff Francouer for a struggling minor league infielder whom they will later try to develop into a pitcher. 

Remember Bip Roberts?

Anyway, you can be sure of one thing: win or lose RWC will be here to guide you through the rest of the season, in the form of more ecards and Emil Brown movie reviews. Plus, the best part of this weekend's series is that it pits the Royals against the division leading Chicago White Sox, which hopefully means we can expect another edition of Sex Talk with Rex and Hawk! 

So sit back, relax and strap it down. It's Bar Time!

Go Royals! You're The Best!

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