A couple of weeks ago we rolled out some designs in response to the Nike Hair-itage shirts snubbing our beloved Royals. With that post, we focused on relief pitchers, including such luminaries as Al Hrabosky, Jonathan Broxton, Joakim Soria, and Dan Quisenberry.
This week we're going in another direction. Unfortunately for us, most of the Royals have little to no facial hair or a common look that makes them indistinguishable from one another. Hell, several Royals in the last couple of years have even sported the same faux-hawk/beard look, making the hairstyle look more like the Fantastic Sam's Summer Special than some sort of rebellious statement.
So screw the hair. We're going away from that with this second batch of images. Instead, we'll try something that Nike hasn't. We'll focus on the face itself, on the distinguishing characteristics, the features, that make each of our subjects unique. You can change your hair pretty easily, but your nose or your eyes or your mouth? Those are just going to get more goofily exaggerated over the years, so we better exploit them now!
First up, we have the Royals lone all-star representative this year, Billy Ray Butler. While he does sport a goatee, his most impressive feature may be his ears. We've included them in this design, which we've dubbed "The Taxi Cab with Its Doors Open."
Next we have Jeff Francoeur. He's a fan favorite for one reason and one reason only: people love his smile. But let's be honest, it's not a true smile. It's not like Joe Randa, whose lips naturally curled up and in like the Joker. Frenchy just has a bigass set of chompers that his lips don't really fit over. A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one would root for a horse, of course. That is, of course, unless that horse, is the overrated Mr. Francoeur:
We also included his crazy eyes because, well, they're crazy.
Alcides Escobar is one of the breakout players on the team this year, and if Ron Washington wasn't such a jackass, Escobar would have been an All-Star this year instead of Elvis Andrus, yet another two-time-World-Series loser from the Texas Rangers. But then again, I'm sure the fans would have booed Jeter for taking playing time away from Alcides, and some irate bandwagon New York fan or a Baseball Tonight host would have really lost it and massacred the entire stadium.
Anyway, as good as Escobar is, maybe it's best if we wait another year or so for him to get the national spotlight. By then, his braces will be off and maybe the zits on his face will have cleared up. For now, here's our design for the unfortunate looking but extremely talented shortstop:
And the last Royal we'll focus on today is none other than Kansas City General Manager Dayton Moore. You may be thinking that we'll make fun of his ridiculous flattop or his crooked little pig snout or his skunk-striped hair or his mailbox-shaped head.
Unfortunately for him, those aren't his most distinguishing characteristics. No, what sticks out to us isn't necessarily how Dayton looks, but the shit that comes out his mouth. The stupid signings and trades that he vehemently defends. The interminable eight-year process. The ridiculous support for Jonathan Sanchez. His mouth is just a shit machine. So we choose to see Moore this way:
Thank you Kurt Vonnegut, for giving us the universal symbol for asshole. And thank you, dear readers, for checking out our t-shirt store where you can find the above designs and more!
Go Royals! You're the Best!