This is Convicting the Royals:
Why do we call it "Convicting the Royals," you might ask? Because following the team is like a prison sentence.
I know it's been a while since I posted one of these evaluations, but that 12-game losing streak in the first couple weeks of the season unleashed one of Eli Convict's patented benders. I was on a three-month drunk up until... well, I guess I'm still on it. Happy Anniversary to me!
During the bender, I've watched a lot of Royals baseball through my inebriated fog and kept track of every facet of the game with Ron Popeil's patented RonCo Stat-o-matic points system! Here are the totals through Game 101, played yesterday in Seattle:
While the team sort of righted the ship and played decent in May and June, July has been a disaster. Of their 19 losses in the month (so far), seven of them have come against the Mariners, who before this stretch, were considered by many to be even worse than the Royals. KC's season record now sits at 40-61, and losing 100 games is a possibility. With the Olympics and Chiefs training camp, the Royals will be an afterthought for most people moving forward.
Now, we don't need to discuss everybody on the board today. I imagine most fans will have a good idea why people scored the way they did. But it's always fun to take a closer look at a few guys who truly stand out.
Billy Butler = 1221 Points - One of the few Royals worth a damn. One of the few reasons to keep watching the team this year is to see if he can get close to Steve Balboni's Royals home run record.
Malt Liquor = 40 Ounces - I started off the season drowning my sorrows in bottles of Boulevard. In July, I've been guzzling forties of King Cobra Malt Liquor. I have no doubt I'll be pickling my liver with harder stuff by September.
Jonathan Broxton = 27 Points - He's been serviceable as the closer, but nearly every Royals reliever could have done the job, and with strike-outs, too. Broxton will get 100 Bonus RonCo points if he's traded for something worthwhile.
Robinson Cano = 0 Home Runs - BOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Rex Hudler = - 143 Points - Hey Rex, you got to go!
Jeff Francoeur = - 426 Points - What can you say about the worst everyday player in baseball (even worse than Yuni)? He's been a colossal waste of time and money this year. Wil Myers could have done this well. Mitch Maier could have done this well. Hell, Chief Meyers could have done this well, and he's been dead for over 40 years.
Ned Yost = - 894 Points - He hasn't had much to work with in regards to starting pitching, so we can't fault him too much for that. But his ineptitude when it comes to building a lineup is staggering. Yuniesky Betancourt and Jeff Francoeur are the two worst players on the team and two of the worst players in all of baseball. So where does Ned bat them? Consistently in the fourth, fifth, or sixth spots of the order. Brilliant.
Lee Judge = - 999 Points - The Polk Points system is idiotic, as is most of Judge's analysis. If you don't believe me, consider this: he thinks Hosmer has been more valuable than Gordon this year.
But that isn't the worst of it. In his recap of Sunday's game, Judge made this snide remark in the second sentence of his opening paragraph: "The Royals offense, which is showing more heart than many Royals fans, battled back..."
That's right, this dogshit team has more heart than fans who have spent decades supporting it with thousands of hours and thousands of dollars. Fans who have pledged undying loyalty to a moribund, hopeless franchise. Fans who read his stupid blog or our stupid blog just because they love this awful team.
Let me tell you something, if you have watched even one game of this turd of a team this year, you have heart. If you've suffered through even one game on TV listening to Rex Hudler bloviate bullshit out of his mouth hole just so you can see this turd of a team you love, you have heart. If you have gone to even one game, have fought traffic, have sat in the heat, have bought their overpriced food and drink, in support of this turd of a team you love you have heart. If you ever wear a Royals hat or shirt, making you subject to public ridicule and scorn for supporting this team that has been one of the worst in baseball for nearly thirty years, this turd of a team you love, you have heart.
You know who doesn't have heart? Lee Judge. We knew he was lacking in the brain department, but it's also clear that he has no sympathy for you, the Royals fan. So fuck him.
Now where did I put my drink?
Go to Hell, Lee Judge! You're the Worst!