Sweet Nothings

The Royals and White Sox are locked up once again this weekend with the getaway day game deciding it.  AL All-Star Chris Sale is taking on Mr. Goodcents Punch Card Holder Luis Mendoza, which shows you how wide the gap is between first and fourth in this division.

Before the game, we'd like to revisit one of our least popular posts, Sex Talk with Rex and Hawk!  Rex "Wonderdog" Hudler and Ken "Hawk" Harrelson are two of the biggest tools in broadcasting today, but they sure know how to dish out the relationship advice.

Let's open up the mailbag and see how these two idiots can help.

Dear Rex & Hawk—

My girlfriend and I started off hot and heavy, but now that we live together, we don’t have sex nearly as often. Is this normal?

Signed,

Getting too comfortable?

Rex: Most players would rather start hot… than not.

Hawk: Sit back, relax, and strap it down.

R & H—

I’ve only been with one other girl, but my girlfriend has been with a few guys.  Should I lie to her about the number of girls I’ve slept with?

Signed,

Inexperienced

Hawk: Put a big crooked number up there.

Rex: Rex doesn’t like that.

Hey Baseball Dipshits—

I’ve been dating this guy for three weeks and everything was going great. The other night a story about Mitt Romney came on the news, and he and I suddenly were in a furious debate about politics. It turns out he’s a staunch conservative and I’m a bleeding heart liberal.  Can this relationship ever work?

Signed,

Democrat in Distress

Hawk: Gotta bristle up right here.

Rex: This is how you build character, it’s a character building exercise.

Sex Talkers—

I’ve been married for twenty years, but I’m pretty sure I’m a lesbian. What do I tell my husband?

Sincerely,

Lezbo in Limbo

Hawk: You’re in the catbird seat.

Rex: Talk about a knuckle sandwich. This is a… also called a jam sandwich.

Dear Goofus & Gallant—

My husband loves full-figured women, but I’m small breasted.  Should I get a boob job?

Signed—

Flat as a Board

Hawk: You can put it on the board, YES!

Rex: I love having a rock in my hand!

Hey H&H—

I’m a girl in high school who has never been asked to the dance. One of my guy friends really likes me but he’s shy about these things. Is it okay for me to ask him to Homecoming?

Sincerely—

Desperate to Dance

Hawk: Pull the string on him right there!

Rex: When in doubt, talk it out!

Dear Sex Talk—

I’m in a great relationship with the love of my life, but we’re just not sexually compatible.  I’ve never had an orgasm and worry that I never will if I don’t move on.  Is bad sex a good enough reason to break up with someone who is otherwise the man of my dreams?

Sincerely,

Disappointed

Hawk: That’s a hang wiff ‘em!

Rex: This young man has not become a man in a man’s game yet.

Dear Sexperts—

I just found out I’m pregnant but I don’t know who the dad is… I have a really awesome boyfriend who loves me, but I slept with two other guys recently. Should I tell all of them the situation or just tell my boyfriend that he got me pregnant? I don’t know what to do!

Signed,

Hoochie (soon to be) Mama

Hawk: Before we show you our picks to click, you at home select yours.

Rex: You’re playing for the future family you haven’t started yet.

Hey Morons—

Any hot tips for better sex?

Signed,

Could use some moves

Hawk: Getting ridden hard and put away wet.

Rex: Yeah, throttle that! Great head position! Have a night!

 

Dear Rex & Hawk—

I tell myself everyday that I won’t masturbate, but then I masturbate like four or five times.  How can I keep my hands off of myself?!

Sincerely,

Rosey Palmer

Rex: That’s a pocket ball. Just put that in your pocket.

Hawk: That’s just a meat-seeking missile.

We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Sex Talk with Rex & Hawk. Please remember that the views expressed by these two jackasses do not necessarily reflect the views of Royales with Cheese.

Go Royals! You're the Best!