August 14, 2012

Automatic Pilots

To offset the shittiness of the last eighteen Royals seasons, David Glass has chosen to outsource all players and personnel to the Big 5 (4? 6? 8?) networks for the 2012 fall television schedule. He realized TV is a much safer venue for the Royals because unlike baseball, you don't have to be entertaining, innovative, or intelligent to succeed. However, Glass was unwilling to pay any writers, developers, or producers for these programs, so he's stolen the basic plots/characters/titles of some well known shows and "re-imagined" them with Royals properties. As a result, he may have several dozen lawsuits on his hands.  Anywho, we here at Royales with Cheese have gotten our hands on all the shows and will be revealing them to you over the next several weeks. This blog was typed before a live studio audience.

Here are some of the titles you can expect to see on the Fall 2012 schedule:

Fridays @ 9/8 central on Fox: 
The Rex Files

This hour-long drama features Royals commentators Rex Hudler and Ryan Lefebvre as special agents for the RBI, or Royals Bureau of Investigation. Hudler is a believer in aggressive play, obtuse metaphors, and identifying himself as a New York Yankee despite only appearing in 29 games for the team. Ryan Lefebvre plays Rex's level-headed but skeptical partner who eventually comes to realize that shady cigarette-smoking owner David Glass is behind a vast conspiracy that resulted in the ousting of his former partner, Frank White. Also, the duo frequently has to battle aliens, werewolves, and sewer monsters, because who would ever just want to listen to these idiots talk?

Thursdays @ 8/7 central on ABC:
Maier's So-Called Life

Mitch Maier played for the Kansas City Royals for parts of six seasons, but now he finds himself in a new city and on a new team.  Making friends on the mean streets of Omaha isn't easy when you're a 30-year-old former first-round pick and you're surrounded by young toughs like Wil Myers and Jake Odorizzi. Luckily, Mitch finds an ally in an older teammate named Doug Davis, and the two form a special bond over being the only two players on the team who were alive during the 1980s. Following the "Very Special Episode" formula, each week Mitch will have to deal with issues as varied as peer pressure, drug addiction, homophobia, bullying, sexually transmitted diseases, negative win shares, and homelessness. 

Sundays @ 6/5 central on Comedy Central: 
Dr. Getz, Professional Therapist

Chris Getz stars as a divorced therapist who lives with his grown son (played by a slovenly Brayan Pena) in this animated series. Most episodes revolve around Getz having therapy sessions with former and current Royals. For example, the pilot includes Jim Eisenreich discussing the difficulty of living with Tourette's Syndrome, Eric Hosmer talking about his sophomore suckfest, and Mark Quinn regaling Getz about the time he did a K-Swiss commercial. Also, Getz's "son" Brayan Pena struggles to get out of bed on game day when he knows Salvador Perez will get the start.

Sundays @ 10/9 central on AMC
Breaking Balboni

For years Billy Butler has been undervalued and taken advantage of by the Royals organization, the fans, and baseball as a whole. Not anymore. Butler is turning into a badass, and he's taking down anyone who gets in his way. In an early episode, he manages to turn an entire city against Robinson Cano. He also starts baking trans-fat-infused donuts and selling them illegally on the black market to help the Royals fund his teammates' contracts. And nobody is prepared for his sudden power and menace with a Louisville Slugger. Just how far will he hit the ball to provide for his Royals family? Will Steve Balboni's home run record survive? Will the Royals turn their back on Butler and send him away for a light-hitting infielder and #4 starter? Will AMC draw this series out for five seasons?  How offputting does Billy look in Hanes Briefs? All of these questions and more will be answered on Breaking Balboni.

Tuesdays @ 8:30/7:30 central on ABC

The recent conflict of how David Glass uses Jackson County tax funds serves as the loose premise of this ragtag situation comedy. Glass stars as a tyrannical money-grubbing owner of the Sun-Don't-Shine Cab Company, an organization full of oddballs and losers. Kevin Kietzman and Jack Harry are failed journalists who are always stirring up trouble for Glass to try to give their pathetic lives some sort of meaning. Dayton Moore serves as the straight man who often gives his fellow workers advice, only to see it blow up in their faces. Rex Hudler has undergone gender-reassignment surgery to play Roxie, the red-headed sexpot divorcee that all the men want. Rounding out the cast are George Brett as a goofy but lovable foreigner who frequently says "Poopie in my pants," Dan Glass as the incompetent and mentally challenged son of the boss, and Ned Yost as a burned-out ex-ballplayer who's had more hits of acid than basehits. 

Well that's it for the first group of shows. Which of these will be a breakout hit?  Which will be canceled after two weeks? 

We'll be back soon with more of the upcoming fall schedule!

Go TV! You're the Best!

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