GREETINGS TRUE BELIEVERS! It is I, your ol' pal Uncle Smiley! I'm back with another riotous round-up of Royals-related superheroes! In this ish, we're mixin' things up a bit. The Avengers have been booted from the Bijou by that bloated Batman blockbuster, and Stan Least won't take that lyin' down! Today, I'm exploitin' another of our excitin' examples of Marvel's mightiest-- those magnificient mutants, the exceptional X-Men!
STAN'S SOAPBOX! Before we have too much fun with the curious crossovers, your ol' pal has some ponderous points about an epic epidemic! Now gang, you gotta know that gettin' down with the giggle weed just isn't groovy! Yours Truly wouldn't be where he is today if he'd ever hooked up with a hookah and hit the hubbly bubbly! The only Mary Jane I have eyes for is Spidey's gal pal! So next time some joker fires up a fatty and offers you a toke, be sure to tell him, "Only a dope would use dope, and that ain't no joke! Those who smoke grass have got no class!" Together we can end people puffing on pot pipes, gang! Tell 'em your Uncle Stan says so!
FACE FRONT, FELLAS! The Royals have netted some notable names in the past, but many boys in blue bolted to play for Branch Ecch! teams. Some are still suiting up and socking it to the baseball world, so it makes sense that this little 'blog that could salutes those players with The Uncanny Ex-Royals!
ITEM: Currently a Miami Marlin, John Buck is one bald, buff backstop! The Only Livin' Boy in MLB from Wyoming (with apologies to Artie Garfunkel and that short fella, natch!), Buck was named an All-Star in 2010 following his escape from KC. Off the ballfield, Buck rescued two little old ladies from an overturned auto last December, provin' himself the golden boy of baseball. There's no better mash-up here than with the selfless, self-disciplined stud leader of the X-Men: Scott Summers, AKA Cyclops! That's right, meet Byclops: his optic blasts will scorch base stealers and shine a light on the Sunshine State!
ITEM: Former Royal Raúl Ibañez is still a fan favorite in KC! They don't come any nicer, nor any nimbler, than the lanky lefty slugger who socks it wherever he plays! A comparable character in X-lore is the original blue devil, Nightcrawler, so let's put them together. Our blue boy Ibañez bounces between teams, teleporting wherever he's needed with a bombastic BAMF! That's right, gang, Nightraúler can play any position and power any pitch outta the park, and with a prehensile tail, to boot!
ITEM: The athletic Alberto Callaspo has proved his adequate ability with the Angels! Combine this young infielder with a strong, steel superhero, and you get a player whose shimmering sheen blinds his opponents but is still only slightly interesting. Say hello to the metallic mutant masher, the AC of the OC, the armored avatar of Anaheim, Alberto Colossus!
ITEM: What do you get when the cross the prideful personality of Red Sock Mike Aviles with the ambient-energy absorbin' powers of hothead Havok? Surely you get the shakiest hotshot shortstop and douchiest dynamo in all of baseball! He's an ego in an Ed Hardy shirt, ready to shoot energy blasts and belt-high fastballs over the Green Monster! And check out that nifty catchphrase:
THAT'S A WRAP, ROYALS FANS! Yours truly will be back with more bullpen bulletins for you soon, my beloved Believers! As the All-Father Odin might say, "The time for departure hath arrived. Yea verily, 'tis time to take a troll to lunch!" 'nuff said!