September 26, 2012

Royals vs. Cards: The Chronicle of Higher Neducation

Every time my wife sees Ned Yost, she says the same thing:

"He looks like George W. Bush."

I can see it, of course. But I'd say he looks more like the Will Ferrell version of George W. Bush. Or maybe Timothy Bottoms.

Her comment got me to wondering recently, though, about how Ned looked as a player. I was alive during his playing career, but I couldn't really remember ever seeing him play. Thank God for the Internet. After spending about thirty seconds dicking around on Google Image Search, I had my answer: Yost's appearance as a player was clearly defined by three separate eras.

And here they be, through the magic of Royals vs. Cards--

The Thrashozoic Era: 1979-1983

You're probably wondering why I would call this the Thrashozoic Era... 

Well, during this period, Ned greatly resembled young up-and-coming film actor Josh Brolin. You may know Brolin from The Goonies and from more recent films like True Grit and No Country For Old Men. But to me, he'll always be skateboaring wunderkind Cory Webster from 1986's Thrashin', possibly the greatest film ever made about dueling skateboard gangs.

W. Connection:
Interestingly enough, Brolin would go on to portray George W. Bush in Oliver Stone's W, a movie that should have been much better than Thrashin', but sadly was not.

Mustachopotamia: 1984-1986

 For just two short years in the mid-80s, Ned Yost rocked some beautiful upper lip plumage. His thick, glorious stache was like Sam Elliot, Robert Goulet, and Super Mario all rolled into one. Of course, this time in history was the height of the mustache's popularity, buoyed by John Oates and Tom Selleck.  How the hell could Ned resist?

W. Connection:  
Ned sported the stache as a Texas Ranger, the team that George W. Bush would buy just a few years later.

The Nerdolithic Era: 1987-1990

I'm guessing he was playing more D & D than baseball at this point in his career.

 But he wasn't just a nerd during this time. He was occasionally a scary nerd. This last card below, right before he was about to crap out as a minor leaguer and give coaching a try, is the kind of picture you typically see in a news bulletin about a registered sex offender:

W. Connection: 
George W. Bush's term in office directly followed the presidency of registered sex offender William Jefferson Clinton.

And there you have it.

Go Edgar! You're the Yost!

September 21, 2012

Hudler's World

He's demonstrated oppage with authority. He hasn't let paralysis by analysis set in. He's hacked so we can't send him back. He's been a humble, ride-the-pine-for-nine guy. And he's held a baseball in his hand for six straight months. The man has paid his dues. 

Come on. You knew this was coming.

It was only a matter of time before Rex Hudler was enshrined in the Royals Museum of Art.

The artist commissioned for this piece is 68-year-old Frik Bartram, an obscure painter and old hippie whose art most identifies with the Regionalism Movement. Toiling away in an old corn crib barn turned art studio near the tiny Iowa township of Dundee, Bartram has recently been gaining attention for magnificent parodies of well-known works of art. His Hudler piece, rendered in brilliant tempera on a large canvas, is sure to be one of the cornerstone works on display at the Royals Museum of Art.

We now present to you Splintered, 32¼" × 47¾".

While Hudler's face isn't shown, it's unmistakably him. He lies in a stark landscape, his legs underneath him, clutching his baseball, staring at the ballfield positioned far away on the horizon. His lonely desperation to stay in the game, to remain in some capacity in the sport that once defined him, is apparent. The familiarity of the game, of its cliches, is his only nourishment. He was a failure as a ballplayer, a first-round draft pick who was nothing more than a little-used utility man, and he wishes he had been better. He overcompensates as an announcer, bloviating at every turn, making his failure in this second baseball career all the more devastating. A field of dreams? Hardly.

Mr. Bartram, this truly is a masterpiece.

Go Art! You're the Best!

September 18, 2012

Playing My Trump E-Card

Hey Royals fans!  It's becoming a real pain in the ass to come up with posts every week, so I took the easy way out and threw together another batch of ecards! 

Don't say I never did anything for you.

Remember that you can click on any of these cards to be taken to, and from there you can get the code to post these on facebook or twitter.

Let's do this:



Go Easy Posts! You're the Best!

September 11, 2012

We Shall Never Forget

Today is a special day, Royals fans! It's Mike Moustakas's 24th birthday! Understandably, yet unfortunately, however, Mike's birthday will once again be overshadowed by the anniversary of September 11, 2001. 

You see, because of terrorism, Mike Moustakas hasn't been able to celebrate his birthday since he was a pre-teen.

Because of terrorism, every year MLB guilt trips us into buying these shitty hats:

Because of terrorism, we have to listen to an American Idol reject sing God Bless America every Sunday afternoon 7th Inning Stretch instead of enjoying the Limbo presented by Jose Cuervo.

 But this isn't about the limbo. Don't change the subject. This is about Mike Moustakas. The chosen one. On that fateful Tuesday morning, he vowed to make the terrorists pay by one day becoming a major league third baseman that for some reason wears a single blue sleeve on his right arm. He's paid the ultimate price for his country by agreeing to play for the Kansas City Royals. Today, we honor him.

Happy Birthday Mike!

Go America! You're The Best!

September 7, 2012

Thank GIF it's Friday!

Hey there, Royals fans! It's been quite a week of watching the Royals lose painfully to the Rangers. 


I'm guessing a lot of you spent this week watching political bullshit or a Dallas Cowboys' victory or the VMAs or Here Comes Honey Boo Boo or something else that's as equally depressing as a September Royals game.

So how about a GIF pick-me-up?  Here's Rex Hudler prepping his chapped lips for some master wordsmithing last night:

It's either that or he's re-enacting a scene from his favorite movie, Silence of the Lambs.  Is he wearing a patchwork suit made of his victims' skin underneath that Croft & Barrow dress shirt? 

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think the answer is likely yes. Absolutely he is. Let's call him Buffalo Rex from now on.

Have a good weekend, everyone!  Don't stare at Rex's tongue for too long!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

September 6, 2012

Broadcast Noose

David Glass is working on maximizing the value of his players this offseason.  Not through extended training, winter leagues, or any of that.  No, Glass is taking his Royals properties and inserting them into the world of television.  We've already introduced you to several of the new shows, including buzzworthy projects Dr. Getz, Professional Therapist and Sal in the Family.

This week we've got another handful of hits.  Set your DVR because you won't want to miss these Fall 2012 television programs:

Wednesdays at 10/9 central on ABC:

Little known fact: Dayton Moore's favorite television show of all time is the Robert Urich vehicle VEGA$, so naturally he jumped at the chance for a KC-centric update of the detective drama.  In ¢owtown, the Royals GM plays Day Tonna, a private eye that cruises the streets of Kansas City in his 1989 Chrysler LeBaron.  Every week he'll solve exciting new cases, visit exciting KC locales like Arthur Bryant's, Oceans of Fun, and Bazooka's Showgirls,  and run into exciting celebrities who have a special tie to the Kansas City metropolitan area.  The first season is set to include special guests Eddie Griffin, Dee Wallace Stone, Burt Bacharach, psychic Sylvia Browne, and anyone else who's willing to work for scale.

Saturday mornings at 9/8 central on NBC:
Captain Ned: The Game Waster

When Ned Yost accidentally sticks a handful of deer jerky into his Nintendo instead of Duck Hunt, he and his faithful gun dog Bocephus are sucked into BigGameWorld, a bizarre video game landscape. Now Yost must fight for survival as Captain Ned: The Game Waster, even if it means hunting 8-bit pheasant, rabbit, elk, tanooki, and bear while armed only with a Nintendo Power Glove and an NES Zapper. If he wasn't a fan of eating pixels before, he'll just have to learn. 

Weekdays at 5:30/4:30 central
Salute Your Shortstops

 Royals history is littered with shortstops. Some were good, most were bad, but all of them were entertaining or interesting in their own way.  This show brings them all together as either campers or counselors at Camp Biancalana.  Playing baseball, living in a bunk... it's either uncivilized or total freedom depending on which player you ask.  Salute Your Shortstops features Onix Concepcion as the tormented counselor, Freddie Patek as the little guy, Angel Berroa as the jerk with a red mullet, Kurt Stillwell as the average kid, and Yuniesky Betancourt as the fatass with a speech impediment. Oh Camp Biancalana, we hold you in our hearts.

We hope you've enjoyed today's Fall Preview.
These shows make The Wire look like a pile of shit, don't they?

Go TV! You're the Best!

September 4, 2012

Every Which Way but Lucid

Last week, Jack Harry went on a nearly incoherent diatribe in front of an enthusiastic and drunken crowd at the 810 Sports Zone.  They had just set up a podium for the emcee of the weekly trivia night when Jack grabbed the mic and wouldn't let go.  It seems he'd had a few too many and decided to improvise one of his famous Jack's Smack segments for the small group of midweek drinkers.  While we've been unable to come up with any video footage of the rant, we do have some photos and a transcript of his comments.

[JACK HARRY]: So I -- so I've got Mr. Moore sitting here.  And he's -- I was going to ask him a couple of questions.  But -- you know about -- I remember six or so years ago, when Mr. Moore was hired. And though I was not a big supporter, I was watching that night when he was having that thing and they were talking about competing and .500 and they were talking about, true blue tradition, and it was dark outdoors, and it was nice, and people were lighting candles.
   They were saying, I just thought, this was great. Everybody is crying, Frank Boal was crying. I was even crying.  And then finally -- and I haven't cried that hard since I found out that there is 27 year playoff drought for this team.
   Now that is something to cry for because that is a disgrace, a royal disgrace, and we haven't done enough, obviously -- this organization hasn't done enough to cure that. Whatever interest they have is not strong enough, and I think possibly now it may be time for somebody else to come along and solve the problem.

   So, Mr. General Manager, how do you handle promises that you have made when you were interviewing for the job, and how do you handle them? I mean, what do you say to people?  Do you just -- you know -- I know -- people were wondering -- you don't -- handle that OK. Well, I know even people in your own office were very disappointed when you didn't trade Frenchy.  And I thought, well trading Frenchy -- why trade that, we spent so much money on it.  But, I thought maybe as an excuse -- what do you mean shut up?
   OK, I thought maybe it was just because somebody had the stupid idea of trying Yuniesky Betancourt as a utility infielder.
   I've got to to hand it to you.  I have to give credit where credit is due.  You did finally overrule that finally.  And that's -- now we are moving onward. I know you were against signing more starting pitching, and that's okay.  But you thought re-signing Bruce Chen for two years was okay. You know, I mean -- you thought that was something worth doing.  We didn't check with the other teams to see how they did it -- they didn't keep him for more than a season or two.
   But we did it, and it is something to be thought about, and I think that, when we get to maybe -- I think you've mentioned something about having a target date for winning the division.  You gave that target date, and I think I asked the only sensible question, you know, I said, "Why are you giving the date out now? Why don't you just win the division tomorrow morning?''
   And I thought -- I thought, yeah -- I am not going to shut up, it is my turn.

   So anyway, we're going to have -- we're going to have to have a little chat about that.  And then, I just wondered, all these promises -- I wondered about when the -- what do you want me to tell Kietzman?  I can't tell him to do that.  I can't tell him to do that to himself.
   You're crazy, you're absolutely crazy.  You're getting as bad as Dan Glass.
   Of course we all know Danny is the intellect of the Royals organization.
   Kind of a grin with a fat body behind it.
   But I just think that there is so much to be done. I think it is maybe time -- what do you think -- for maybe a stats man.  How about that?
   A stellar stats man.  Quote, unquote, a stellar stats man. And I think it's that time.  And I think if you just step aside and he can kind of take over. You can maybe still hang out with Frenchy and Getz in the offseason.
    OK, well anyway.  All right, I'm sorry.  I can't do that to myself either.
   I would just like to say something, ladies and gentlemen. Something that I think is very important.  It is that, you, we, all of us, in a way, own this team.
   David Glass owns it, but really it's us, the media and the fans, Soren Petro and Joseph S. Accurso, it is not Glass owning it, and not the players or coaches or GM owning it.  They are employees of ours.

   And  -- so -- they are just going to come around and beg for money from us every few years and never win.  It is the same old deal.  And when somebody does not do the job, we got to let them go.
   Okay, just remember that.  And I'm speaking out for everybody out there.  It doesn't hurt, we don't have to be -- what I'm saying, we do not have to be masochists and follow a team that starts players that we don't really even want on the team just because they seem to be nice guys.
   But OK.  You want me to Jack Smack their asses?
   All right.  I start it, you finish it.  JACK--
   Thank you. Thank you very much. Gary Lezak will be back one more time with the weather after this message.

Go Jack Harry! You Yell A Lot!
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