March 25, 2012

The Main Event

With Johnny Giavotella being optioned to AAA today, we are left with two contenders for second base.

The Royals would have us believe that the two will be "sharing second."

That's ridiculous. One of these bumsticks has to start on Opening Day. Who will it be? Getz is an above average defender, but he can't hit. Yuni is a giant Cuban turd, but Yost is in love with him.

There's only one way to settle this.

Ladies and Gentleman,

Welcome to the Main Event.

** WARNING: Homo-curious image ahead **

We've got a real slobberknocker on our hands. Every routine grounder matters. Every bunt, every sac fly, every HBP could be the one that puts someone over the top. And at the end, we'll be guaranteed a second baseman that no one likes.

I was going to make a joke suggesting the Royals contact Mark Grudzielanek, but it turns out they did! He was so pissed about finishing next-to-last in the Mark Madness poll that he told them to fuck off.

12 days till the opener and we already know we'll get no offense from the C, SS, 3B and 2B.

Can't wait.

Go Royals. You're the Best!

March 24, 2012

Operation Inboxer

This is a first in our blog's history.  A loyal reader sent us a bit of fan mail.

I know.  

I was shocked too.

Regardless, I doubt it will ever happen again, so I've decided to post it in its entirety.

Dear Royales With Cheese--

What's up with Chen?  I think he really has Chenital Warts, just like you said a few weeks ago.

I am glad this blog is back. I remember reading it a long time ago when your slogan was "True. Blue. Balls." That was funny.  It was also funny when you showed Daniel Cortes naked on a toilet.  That was probably the funniest post you ever did, even though you didn't say anything funny on it. 
I am almost done with my first year at Maple Woods, which is famous for having Albert Pujols play here for a year, but my favorite thing about our school is that Alberto Callaspo got a DUI from our campus security once. Anyway, I was supposed to be doing a paper this week, but instead I spent like three hours making a dumb picture, just like you do at this blog.  When I finished, I didn't know what to do with it, so I'm sending it to you.  Maybe you can post it, but you probably won't.  Keep up the good work. 

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

--Ray Welch

Attached to the e-mail was this image:

First of all, thanks for the e-mail, Ray, and thanks for sending along the image.  

Fortunately, I had managed to block out the memory of that movie for the last decade or so, but your image brought it all flooding back: Robin Williams as a giant child who doesn't act much differently than Robin Williams as a man; Jennifer Lopez in one of her early roles as a Hispanic character; Bill Cosby playing a tutor in his greatest role since Ghost Dad; light comedy burdened by the pathos demanded in nearly every mainstream Robin Williams movie since Dead Poet's Society; a hokey epilogue that tells us to follow our dreams while ignoring the fact that Jack is going to die like a year or two later; basically, what I'm saying is I bet Emil Brown loves this terrible movie.

As for the image itself, the idea and execution are pretty good, and looking it over did inspire quite a few questions for me.

For instance--

How likely is it that if Soria chooses to retire, numerous Royals will go to his house and take turns yelling, "Can Jack come out and play?" until he acquiesces and returns to the team?

Whose fall from grace was more depressing?  Joakim Soria or Francis Ford Coppola?

Which is more interminable?  Recovering from Tommy John surgery or watching any Robin Williams movie not called World's Greatest Dad?

Which award is more often given to someone undeserving?  An all-star appearance or an Oscar? 

Do you think Robin Williams ever did blow with Willie Wilson?

Why didn't Ray consider modifying a Dead Man Walking poster?  It would be a similarly dated reference, but Dead Man Joakim is a pretty good pun and at least people remember that movie.

In any case, I thank you for the image and the e-mail, Ray.  I hope you did okay on that paper. Stay in school, and maybe someday you too will be an amateur blogger like me.

And if the rest of you readers would like to provide our blog with any free content or you just want to tell us how awesome we are, send it along to RoyalesWithCheese at gmail dot com, or post it to our facebook or twitter.  Or if you want to tell us how much we suck, that might be kind of funny, too.  Either way, you just might see it posted here along with some of our patented lazy snark. 

Go Ray!  You're the Best!

March 23, 2012

The Linen/Silk Anniversary

The history of Royals baseball is littered with infamous dates that mark tragic turns of events and missteps that set the team back years, decimated the fan base, and made the organization a laughingstock.

Those of us who remain fans attempt to expunge these dates from our minds and suppress these memories, usually through burning Ken Harvey jerseys and indulging in dangerous amounts of grain-based alcohol, but RWC is not willing to just let these travesties go.  Because according to every 8th grade Social Studies teacher/track and field coach in America, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

That's why we're starting a new series in which we'll look back at these awful dates in Royals history.  For our first post in this series, we shall look back at March 23, 2007, exactly four years ago.

Let's crack open our handy reference guide:

Poor Pichardo's Almanack, first published in 1759 by an ancestor of Hipolito Pichardo, originally focused on Dominican culture, climate, and agriculture.  Most of the early editions contain far too much information about the optimal harvesting time for plantains and cheapest methods of rum production.  Beginning in the 1940s, it became strictly a guide to the best meringue albums.

However, the publication underwent a fundamental shift in content twenty years ago. In 1992, Poor Pichardo's Almanack became the preeminent source for all things Royal, and no fan should be without a copy. You can find this for under three bucks (plus shipping) on most reputable retail and auction sites, though be aware the native Spanish has been translated to a hybrid of Old and Middle English in some sort of confused appeal to the nostalgia of dead people. It's still a fine publication and we heartily recommend you order a copy, but be sure to keep a thesaurus handy.

Now let's go ahead and look back at March 23, 2007.

Quoth the Almanack:

Did you guys get all that?  Not sure if we did on our end.  Something about semen?

Anyway, here's how we covered the trade on Royales With Cheese four years ago: ¿Dos Tony Peñas? ¡Mierda!  That's probably only slightly easier to read than the almanac entry.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

March 22, 2012

Spring Training Recap

Hi guys! Last week I was in Arizona watching the Kan City Royals. A lot of stuff happened, but I wasn't really paying attention.

I'll be honest with ya, I spent most of the week getting drunk on the outfield grass and adjusting my sunglasses so no one could tell I was staring at the ASU co-eds the whole time.

Anyway, I did not forget my mission entirely. #StopYuni (yeah, we're still doing this) was in full effect across the entire Phoenix area.

Here I am spreading the gospel in Scottsdale.

Then, I got this older couple involved at Surprise Stadium.

I had to tell them that Yuni was a local pederast, but I'm pretty sure they disapprove of a .292 OBP.

A few days in, though, I realized my little sign wasn't enough. I had to do more.

A scoreboard message. Yes. That would do it. That would end this madness.

I called up the Surprise Stadium marketing department to inquire. They were more than happy to feature a message at the next game - for $50. Unfortunately, when I told them what I wanted, they said they could not help me. Denied.

Luckily, the folks at Peoria Sports Complex (home of the Padres and Mariners) did not balk at my request. So, following a message wishing Connor Banks a Happy 9th birthday, this appeared on the screen for seven magical seconds.

Mission accomplished. And this one was only $40. Suckers.

Alright, back to the team. All these guys got hurt while I was there! What the heck?

I'm pretty sure Bruce Chen will get hurt, too. Just look at how he gets ready to start a game. Come on, Chen!

Finally, I finished up the week with a classic Straight Cash Homey moment.

"Mom, thanks for getting me this Rick Ankiel jersey from the Majestic outlet store! Now I don't have to wear that Terrence Long jersey to games anymore!"

15 Days until the Opener against the The Angels Angels of Anaheim.

Go Royals! You're the best!

March 21, 2012

Bracket Buster

Hello, sports fans! Before I get to my Spring Training recap, I promised one of my favorite Royals players I would do something for him.

As you may know, last week, Billy Butler shared his NCAA tournament picks with the entire Royals nation. What you may not know, is that another player was much more eager to share his picks, but did not get the chance.

Knowing RWC to be a reputable blog with over six followers, Royals shortstop Alcides Escobar tracked me down before an afternoon exhibition game and practically begged me to post his "bracket."

It seemed like a reasonable request until I discovered they were his picks for Primera Division Venezuelan soccer.


I tried to explain that no one gives a shit about soccer, but he was sure you would all want to see this. How could I say no to this face?

Okay, a promise is a promise. Here's Alcides Escobar's bracket. How does it stack up against yours?

Whatever. Go FC Caracas! You're the Best!

March 20, 2012

It'll make your eyes bug.

Michael Tucker is famous among Royals fans for his two go-arounds with the club that featured dropped catches, bat flips, occasional signs of promising though nonchalant play, and yes, of course, his eyes.

Tucker seemed to always be expressing something sorrowful or surprising with his eyes.

Perhaps it was, "Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?"  Maybe it was, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"  It could have just been, "Man, I hope those TUMs start working soon." 

In any case, his eyes were a window to his soul.  A soul that seemed to be 10% scared, 10% shocked, and 80% sclera.

What I'm saying is, Michael Tucker had the bug eyes.  

But we loved him for it.

That's why we are immortalizing his hilariously expressive eyes with a new feature entitled "Michael Tucker's OMG Moment of the Week."


This week's moment came earlier today when Dayton Moore shat himself silly and traded promising young pitcher Kevin Chapman and a PTBNL for two washouts from the Houston Astros.  

I guess Ivan Rodriguez turning down a contract with your team will make you do stupid things.

The main piece in the trade is Humberto Quintero.  He supposedly fills the catching void created by the losses of Salvador Perez and Manny Pina.  While he's had many years of mediocre play, so far this spring Quintero had only played one game for Houston.  That game was yesterday.  He went from third-string Astros catcher to possibly starting catcher for the Kansas City Royals in less than 24 hours.  We call that a #HumbertoBrag.

Quintero has played nine years in the bigs, but only amassed a 3 WAR.  He's not much of a hitter, carrying a .234 average and only walking 37 times in his 1075 career ABs.  He's hit only fifteen home runs despite playing in the juicebox that is Minute Maid Park for much of his career.  He is much better defensively, however, and is apparently quite adept at picking off runners.  In that regard, he's the Bizarro Brayan Pena.  What one has in offensive ability, the other has in defensive ability.  Otherwise, they are both heavyset backup catchers in their early-30s that have spent most of their careers on terrible teams.  They should complement each other depressingly well.

The other player, Jason Bourgeois, is really only interesting because of his name. In reality, he's more like Jason Proletarian. He's got decent speed and not much else going for him.  Dayton said they wouldn't have made the trade if Bourgeois wasn't involved.  I'm not really sure why that is, unless they are looking for an older, less talented Jarrod Dyson or Mitch Maier to be the fourth outfielder this year.  If that's the case, maybe Michael Tucker was still available. In any case, we'll probably have some fun this summer making more references to Marxism and Luis Bunuel films than we have in any previous Royals season, so it's not a total loss.

The biggest problem with this trade is that we were hoping Moore had moved beyond these panicky moves, but it looks like we have a lot more bad trades to deal with in the future.  How else do you explain two of the worst players on the Houston Astros (THE HOUSTON ASTROS!)-- players who were in danger of not even making their team this year-- are the newest Royals, while a 24-year-old pitcher with a high strike-out rate and potential to shine in the Royals bullpen for years is on his way out?

As Michael Tucker would say, "Oh my golly!"

And as we are fond of saying, though we are often sighing and shaking our heads, 
"Go Royals!  You're the Best!"

March 16, 2012

Movie Revues Blog Spot Post 2

Hello Royales with Chess Fans!  Emil is back with more movies revues!

It's one of my favorite times of the year!  St. Patricks Day is this Saturday and I love it because you can drink a lot and even in the morning!  You can have green beer and green eggs and ham and corn beef and cabbage and whiskey and Guinness beers!

Drinking is fun all the time but what makes this green day so fun is that there is also so many good movies that you can watch on the day and at the same time drinking. I like to have a film fest in my home theatre and invite all the ballers over to get drunk and apprecate Irish movies. 

The Sy-Fi Channel is doing all of you folks a favor this Saturday though if you don't have Irish bluerays or dvds like me to watch for when you are getting drunk.  They are showing all of the Leprecaun movies and they calling it LeperCarnage which is a funny name because he does kills lots of people in these films.  I got the dvd set and it is called Pot of Gore which is also a funny joke about his murdering.

But get this!  Sci-Fy is even doing a new Leprechuan movie called The Lepercan's Revenge at 9 east 8 central 8 mountain and 9 west and I for one can not wait to be seeing this new movie.

Why we wait for that I think I will share my reviews of St. Patricks movies so that way you can know what you are gon see if you ain't seen them but even if you have!

I even made my picture better for the holidays!

It's green because people will pinch you if you don't got green on on this day. Noone will pinch this blog now Right? LOL!

The Leprechan (1993)
This is the one that starts it all! I saw it when it first come out and it was sort of dumb but at the same time scary! Looking back now what is most crazy is that the main chick is Jennifer Anstiton but she's had face and nose work done after it so she's like a five in it!  No Rachel haircut and has a busted ass nose, but shes still got charm. The leprechaun is actually real likeable even for killing people, but it is sad when the dumb guy who eats a coin. DUMMY! There is also four killed in this one and one is a guy getting pogo-jumped on! 

The Leperchan 2 (1994)
The next one starts off like more of a historic drama. Its olden days and his b-day and a girl sneezes and so that makes her the bride of lecherpan.  But that gets screwed up and he has to wait to his next birthday to get married and that is now in modern days. He's more funny in this one but more scary, so its better than the first one.  There is a part where he looks like a naked chick and a guy goes to kiss her but its a fan and the guys face gets ripped all up. It's real good and I think twice now when I see a naked girl or if I have to sneeze about if that means I'm in trouble. I tell people God bless you all the time because that is how you stop leprechans in the movie from weddings!

The Lerpchaun 3 (1995)
This one is in Vegas and you think that would be good but its dumb compare to One and Two.  They are being even more funny now but dumb funny because it don't have any good jokes in it what so ever.  You also start to get by this point that in the movies the Leprechan kills a bunch of people that don't always have much to do with getting his gold back.  Basicaly he just killing random people because they in the movie not because they got anything to do with taking his gold or bride. He does got a shalaylee in this one and that's badass. There is a gross part where a woman's boobs and butt blowed up but its fake looking! I watch this one the less of all of them but I still give it six stars.

The Leprevhaun 4: In The Space (1997)
This is just crazy! You don't even know why he's in space but he is in space!  I kind of like it for its so different than the others.  In Space the leprehhan is not even rhyming in this one which is the only one of the movies where he does no rhymes! He is trying to get a space princess and there are some good looking girls in it like the tool girl from The Home Improvement but she never is naked so thats a letdown. This one is so weird you are just like WTF the whole time! A dude gets turned into a giant spider guy and the Lerpechan also becomes giant at one point! Special effects are terribell but its sort of funny in a bad movie way. This is the second best one, but defiantly get drunk before you watch this one and it will be even better!

The Leperchun 5 in the Hood (2000)
This one is the best one! It is more funny then the others! Going from space to teh hood was a good move to make. I like to see him in different places killing people.  Ice-T is in this one and he turns the leprechan into statue and he gets rich off his fife.  He works with young rappers trying to catch a break but mostly he tries to kill them also because they get the fife. This one is funny with clever refrences to The Jeffersons, sHAFT, Judge Judy, Bride of The Frankenstein, Colt 45 forties, and Master P, and afro picks and lots more. You just got to watch it to catch all of it and its the one I watch the most even when it ain't around St. Patrick Day. I like to say quotes off it to friends and I even wrote one (Bitches and HOes ain't all my man knows!) on lots of autographs before. People don't get what thats from and that is hiliarous to me! But ain't all jokes since the leprechan will get the last laugh! Spoiler alert--- the leprechan smokes weed in this one!!!!!

The Lechreprang Back in 2 Tha Hood (2003)
So the last one was so good they made another one in the hood but its not so good.  There is no Ice_T and no Coolio in this one. Some teens find the Leprechans gold and so he decides to kill people to get it back even if they don't have the gold! The best thing is that they finally make his outfit less stupid. He looks creepier and the murderings are a little more gorier then the last movie.  A cop gets his leg ripped off and its gross but I laughed at it. They get him killed in this one by putting clovers on bullets.  Finally that was a ending that made sense!

So now I bet you are all in the spirit of St. Patricks Day I bet.  Have fun watching this and other movies and drinking. But remember if you drink don't be dumb.  Be smart and watch these movies and drink. Okay?  Don't forget the new one Saturday night .  I bet it should be the best one of them all.

Remember to don't steal gold or fifes or princesses from the leperchaun or he will murder you and your friends!

Happy St. Patrick Day from me and the killer Leprehcaun!

Go Movies!  Your the Best!

March 14, 2012

Commission Impossible

As you're probably well aware, the Royals have been hemorrhaging fans for the last twenty years and have repeatedly tried and failed to keep themselves culturally relevant to the increasingly apathetic masses.

These attempts failed, ultimately, because most were geared toward the lowest common denominator. The idiots, the drunks, the layabouts, the cut-off-sleeves, the slug-a-beds, the troglodytes, the low-brows, the great unwashed, the... well, you get the idea. 

They did everything they could to get this group to the park. They added a mascot. Krispy Kreme Donuts. Fireworks after home games. A facebook page. Pink baseball hats. Dollar hot dogs. Jeff Francoeur. Miniature golf. Thousands of free t-shirts. Gnome scavenger hunts. Concerts featuring local unsigned bands. Jeff Foxworthy.

But luckily they've realized the error of their ways.  While a fool and his money are soon parted, the mouth-breathers don't bring in a lot of repeat business.

They usually show up reeking of Milwaukee's Best in the third inning, complain about the sun and how the Royals are a farm team for the Yankees, eat some chili-cheese nachos, yell some racial slurs, and leave in the fifth inning so they don't miss Khloé & Lamar, a pile of garbage and sweat-stained seat their only lasting impacts.

Appealing to these folks will get you some money once or twice a season, but they don't have the brainpower or attention span to follow baseball, especially not a team like the Royals that requires undying loyalty to form a true connection. 

And it seems like the Royals finally get that.  This season, the Royals are doing something, well, frankly incredible.  They are choosing now to go after the four-eyes, the tongue-cluckers, the Sabermetric geeks, the stuffed shirts, the academics, the eggheads, the high-brows, the Arrested Development fans, the great unwashed, the... well, you get the idea. 

Their first move was to commission dozens of artists to create challenging and beautiful works that will be displayed in a new wing of the stadium known as the Royal Museum of Art.

We here at Royales with Cheese were lucky enough to obtain some of these works, and will present them throughout the season.

First up is a work that was generated before the unfortunate decision to not renew Frank White's broadcasting contract.  The artist, 16-year-old high school sophomore and DeviantArt member LadyJacob96, works primarily in graphite, colored pencil, and ballpoint pen.

I now present to you The Legend of the White Knight, 12" X 8":

I find the composition interesting. The moon phases really keep the eye moving around the picture plane. I appreciate the subtle manipulation of value. Frank's essence was captured well in this piece, and I look forward to seeing it in person at the Royal Museum of Art.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

March 13, 2012

RWC in Breaking Training

Hello, sports fans! Guess what? I'm on my way to Surprise, Arizona. Home of the Kan City Royals!

Do you hear that gila monsters? AC is on his way to the glorious land of illegal immigrants, heat stroke, and In-N-Out Burger.

I'm so excited! We're about to take off now!

I'll be gone for awhile, but you can be sure I'll be tackling the stories you care about most. Like, how is George Brett coping with his IBS? And does Sean O'Sullivan know he looks like Zac Brown?

Spring Training is that special time of year when the Royals separate the men from the bumsticks and then they keep several of the bumsticks anyway. (I'm looking at you Mitch Maier).

I'll be back next week to tell you who's hot and who's not. Until then...

Go Royals! You're The Best!

March 12, 2012

STOP YUNI 2: The Legend of Yuni's Gold

Another late night of drinking, another twenty-piece Chicken McNugget, another ten minutes spent on a JPEG.







March 11, 2012

This Week In Cheese Balls

It's been a busy week here at RWC. And while we haven't bothered talking much about the Royals per se, we sure have had a lot of laughs.

In other news, yes, Max Ramirez looks good. Before camp, he was probably the fourth-best latino catcher on the roster. Now he's locked in at third-best. Aaron Guiel is back - as the waterboy or something. And Luis Mendoza is a pretty good pitcher.

We know. Dick Kaegel is all over it.

I for one am proud of what we contributed to the internets this week. For those of you that missed it, all of the recent cheese has been consolidated into this convenient word cloud.

(Click to Enlarge)

There they are. All the things you didn't know you cared about.

See you next week.

Go Royals! You're The Best!

March 10, 2012

We are such good people.

Something amazing has happened on the Internardz over the last week.  People with too much time on their hands have joined together in defiance of one sadistic, evil, sad-sack-of-shit human being.  

They've spread the word.  They've made him famous.

You've probably seen the viral video, the numerous images, the Jason Bateman tweets.

You've read about his atrocities.  Hell, most of you probably have seen his devastation firsthand.

I really feel like Royales with Cheese must join the fight.  I really feel like we will be part of something if we participate.

We are hashtagging and hotlinking and patting ourselves on the back for doing actually very, very little.

That's right.  We are joining the revolution.


Please bear in mind that participating in this revolution requires us to do basically nothing beyond this one post.

Because that's how us middle-to-upper-middle-class white folks make a difference.

By posting links to co-workers' facebook walls. 

By copy-and-paste blogging a stock message to our six followers.

By spending ten minutes making a JPEG before finishing off a twenty-piece Chicken McNugget and passing out drunk on the couch.





March 8, 2012

Bar Time

So here's something to look forward to...

If you attend any Student Nights (any Wednesday home game) at the K this season, you may find something disturbing in your beer.

Well, not in your beer, but on it.


Yep. Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD) has partnered with Aramark, the Royals food and beverage provider, in an effort to bring awareness to the dangers of drinking and driving. To do this, they have produced limited edition plastic beer cups featuring the endearing mugshots of former Royals that have been arrested for alcohol related offenses.

An anonymous Royals official explained, "We know the team will probably be lousy. We know young people have no chance of getting a job. Students are going to drink. It's like, we want you to have a good time at the ball game, but don't end up like one of these assholes, you know?"

Here's a look at the rest of the set.

So, when you're out there this season, do me a favor. Take it easy. Be smart. Think of these fallen Royals. Instead of rushing to get one more round before the 7th inning alcohol cutoff, take a moment to discuss the "What Year Was It?" video board challenge with the fan sitting next to you.

Then, when Jonathan Broxton predictably pulls a Ricky Botallico and the Royals lose, forget what I just said, go out to the parking lot and drink until you can't feel feelings.


Go Royals! You're The Best!

March 7, 2012

A Royal Coup?

The Royals will not be denied.

Twice prior they've gone after a specific type of player, only to be refused.

They drafted Marino, but he didn't come.  They drafted Elway, but he didn't come.

Taking Bubba Starling in the first round last year was a start, but it didn't ultimately fill that aching hole deep within their heart.

Right now, there's only one guy out there that the Royals know can be a legitimate quarterback for them.  Lucky for them, he's willing to listen to any offer.

I know Michael Jordan was a bust, but basketball and baseball have nothing in common.  Football and baseball might as well be the same sport.

The ability to throw a ball sixty yards, eat a shitload of Oreos, and resemble Quasimodo all translate pretty well to baseball.

And let's be honest, would you rather have Peyton Manning or Yuniesky Betancourt?

I rest my case.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

(big thanks to Dave's Art Locker for the logo idea)

March 3, 2012

Movie Revues Blog Spot Post I

Hi everybody, this is my first one of these so sorry for any problems.  Bare with me.

I was a player for a long time and made a lot of money.  I am retired now and I like to have fun watching movies.  I always did when I played also.  You may remember I had some reviews on the Royals website back in 2006.  Here is that--  I stand by those as good ones I did.

Then this blog here you are on liked them and got me to do some more so I did.  Those are here if you want to see those--

Its weird because I was a good ballplayer but I was always wished I was in movies like acting or directing or cinnamonography.   Now that I don't play now I might try that but first I want to watch a lot of movies first.  I mean I seen a lot of movies but more.

So I want to say welcome to the new blog spot and I will do this more than one time if people like it.  I want to do it since I like movies and I bet you will like it if you like movies.  So please comment for if you agree with me on stuff but no commenting if you don't because come on!  Don't be a jerk!

So I made a picture.

 I watched all these movies last week so they are fresh in my head.  So with no farther adiew it is my reviews.

This movie is the Target Lady and some other women from TV in a movie where one is getting married and the other ones’ are the bride maids.  Its kind of boring, really, and one part is like three minutes of making a cupcake.  Give me a break!  But there are real good parts with yelling and jokes.  I laughed a lot when the fat chick threw up on the blonde chick and one was pooping down a manhole!  There was also cute puppies in it and Wilson Phillips.  Which was weird. I like comedies with men better but this was a good try.

No color no thank you.  People on the internet movie datebase thing this is a real good one, but it was only okay. These guys are in a room sweating and yelling and I had a hard time trying to get the reason to watch it.  I got tired of it being in one room. 12 guys might have been too many guys.  They did do this again and it was a real good one called The Jury Duty with Pauly Shore and the chick from Wayne’s World.  See Jury Duty.  It is not so serious but is more funny.

This is the maybe the best movie I ever saw!  Meat Loaf had boobs.  His name was Robert Paulson. Brad Pitt wanted him to have you hit him as hard as you could hit him.  It's pretty dark and weird but that's what makes it so good.  So it ended and the one guy was two guys but he was one guy.  He shot his mouth and that was over. Then out of nowhere there was a penis. I was like no way man gross but it is an awesome movie.  I seen it probly a kajillion times and I see something new in it every time I see it.

A guy is a car driver but he only drives cars like twice in it. He only talks maybe six times.  He got robbed of the Oscar for being a real life Dopey.  It is good parts with guys getting eyes forked by forks and the car driver stomping a guy's head and a women’s head exploded! But thats only like four minutes of the movie.  Techno music is real gay.  Like I said most of it is the main guy being like Dopey from the Snow White cartoon movie. Good but more blood and more chases more than three times would be tons better!

If you like Puppy Bowls but want to see them when they are dogs and in dog shows, this is a good one to see!  People are crazy with the dogs and it’s a real good behind the scenes sort of movie that makes you wonder what people are thinking.  There hasn't been a baseball documentary like this yet and I'm glad for that because we are crazy like dog people too. I once accidently shot a permed lady once and I'm glad that is not in the movies.  Also the steroids.  See this if you like laughing at crazy dog people. See this one, animal lovers!
This one was pretty good!  Wolverine and his kid train a robot to fight a robot boxer!  I know it sounds weird but it is one of those films that makes you feel good about life. I don’t get how the robots sit on stools because I bet they weight a lot and why do they rest between boxing rounds because they are robots?  But I might have been in the bathroom for when that part got explained. CGI robots are cool but it is not the best robot movie.

This is the best robot movie.  Better than the Terminator One where the Terminator One is the bad guy. In Two he is a good guy and he is against a bad Terminator guy who can be liquid and be other people and be giant knives. Real neat special effects for back in the day! The kid from The Pet Cemetary Two: The Judgment Day is in it and he teaches Terminator One how to be a human man and not a Terminator.  It is a real action thrill ride and I recommend it!

I’m sorry.  I hear this is good and its on lists but this one is boring movie! The main guy is a detective and wears a hat. He talks to guys in a gutter and slaps a woman around and his nose is cut open and he and tries to and he tries to find the reason why water is gone and I didn’t get what happened for sure.  Forget it, Emil.  Its Chin Town.

That's all I saw for this one.  I watch movies a lot now and days so there will be more than this I hope.  Thank you for supporting me in my career on and off the field now!

Go Movies!  Your the Best!

March 1, 2012

Mark Madness

Hello, sports fans! Thanks to the expert instruction I received at last week's Blissdom Conference, you can expect an even more enjoyable blogging experience here at RWC. One of the themes of Day 2 was the importance of interactivity. So interact with this.

In the spirit of Sh*t Nobody Says, I arbitrarily ask "Who is the greatest Mark in Royals history?"

Before you vote at the end of the post, let's quickly meet the 6 Finalists

Mark Davis (1990-1992)

Posted a 5.33 ERA and 6 saves in his first season with the Royals, after winning the NL CY Young in 1989. Lost the closer role to Jeff Montgomery. Had a sweet mullet.

Mark Grudzielanek (2006-2008)

Won a Gold Glove with the Royals in 2006. Longest last name in Royals history.

Mark Gubicza (1984-1996)

Won 20 games in 1988. 2-Time All-Star. Had a sweet mullet.

Mark Quinn (1999-2002)

Hit two home runs in his MLB debut. Placed on the DL with a broken rib after “kung fu” fighting with his brother.

Mark Redman (2006)

Royals lone All-Star in 2006. Known Vaseline-baller.

Mark Teahen (2005-2009)

Part of the Carlos Beltran trade. Mentioned 17 times in Michael Lewis's Moneyball. Might be Canadian. Known fashion enthusiast.

Now that I've refreshed your memory. Vote Now!

Mark Who?

February 29, 2012

And we're back.

So, as you've probably noticed, this site is back. I mean, it never went away. It just stopped being updated. Uh, for nineteen straight months. Yep. But let's cut the semantics. For the purposes of this post (see the title), WE ARE BACK.

How can I be so sure?  How do I know this wasn't just one random good week preceding the site going dormant for another nineteen months?

I came up with a plan.

This has been a one-man operation from the start, but as I descended into alcoholism, Alien-hand syndrome, and porn-addiction (which, incidentally, is a lot more fun if you also have Alien-hand syndrome), I didn't have the time, energy, or inspiration to keep posting.

That's changing.

I recruited a crack team of RWC Bloggers, each more cunning and brilliant than the last. And I think it's time to introduce these fine, Cheese-blogging folks:

There's me.  JR.  Some people think I chose that moniker because of great men like Jackie Robinson or John R. Cash.  They're wrong.  I go by JR because I'm actually a Junior.

Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Now you know my secret shame.


Here's AC.  He's already posted twice in the last week, and I've found his work to be absolutely breathtaking thus far.  Did I mention I like to huff paint while reading his posts?


I like to huff paint while reading his posts.

Give it a try.  It's fun and completely safe!


Then there's Neil.  He hasn't posted yet, but I expect big things from him.

Big, big, big, big, big....


big things.

Or small.

Likely very small.


We also have these guys.  I'm not even going to tell you their names, as I have a feeling none of them will ever post one thing to this blog. I've begged them to, but they seem apathetic.  It's tragic, really, that they have chosen to deny the world of their hilarious takes on the Royals. Maybe they'll surprise us.

And last but certainly not least...

He's more qualified than any of us to write on the Royals because he is, in fact, a former Royal. Unfortunately, he's already told me he doesn't plan to do any posts about the actual team.

His passion, he says, is film. 

His name is Emil. Along with KC, he played for five other teams in his big-league career.  However, his most notable accomplishment may be shooting Karen Kornacki in the face with a pellet gun.

He's been out of baseball since 2009, and he actually reached out to me begging that I revive the site and bring him on as an unpaid intern. How could I say know to that face?

I can't wait for his review of Bio-Dome.

Well, there you have it.  The team.  We look forward to posting so frequently that you actually get sick of us and pine for the days when we'd go weeks without posting.  Because we're passive-aggressive like that. 

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

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