April 5, 2012

Together At Last

You probably know that Rex Hudler and Ken "Hawk" Harrelson have over 70 combined years of baseball experience.  But you may not know that they also have over 100 combined years of dating experience. 

That's right.  They've navigated the rocky road of first kisses, falling in love, heartbreak, reconciliations, and yes, diddling.  In fact, one could easily argue these men are more knowledgeable on the game of love than the game of baseball.  So of course, we've asked these two legendary relationship gurus to lend their talents to our little blog.


They look so dapper in their tuxedos.  Almost like that guy from that Bachelor show.  You know who I'm talking about.  Uh, Flavor Flav?

Anyway, let's open up the mailbag and see how Rex and Hawk can help.


Hey guys--

How do I tell my girlfriend I love her?

Signed--
In Love With My Girlfriend

Rex: Pilot to Bombardier!

Hawk: Cinch it up and hunker down!

Rex:  Light up that halo!




Hawk & Hud--

I think my boyfriend is using me.  How can I tell for sure?

Signed--
Used Or Just Confused?

Hawk: Get foul!

Rex: How's his oppage?
 



Dear Sex-Men--

I have a problem in bed where something happens before it should.  Get my meaning?  Uh, someone let the horse out of the stable?  Or, um, the volcano erupts before the villagers are prepared? Is that clear?  This feels pretty dirty to talk about, especially to idiot baseball announcers. 

Signed--
Never Mind

Rex: Wax your car before you go to the park! 

Hawk: Get some leather on it!




Dear Rex and Ken--

I have a crush on this girl I am friends with.  What do I do?

Signed--
Sweating in Sheboygan 

Hawk: Rack 'em up!

Rex: Get 'em on, get 'em over, get 'em in!




Hey Goofus and Gallant--

I am a 34 y/o virgin.  In fact, I have never even kissed anyone other than myself in a mirror.  I kind of don't care at this point.  Does that make me weird?

Signed--
Red Right Hand

Rex: Be patient, young Jedi!

Hawk: You got a WHOLE lot of work to do! 




Dear Hawk and Rex--

Which form of protection works the best? I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get some Friday.

Signed--
Please get back to me by Friday 

Rex: Be a fountain, not a drain!

Hawk: I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE Aflac! 




Dear Relationship Gurus--

I've been married for twenty years, but I hate my husband.  I think I've always hated my husband.  What do I do?

Signed--
Murder isn't the answer, is it? 

Rex: He got to go!

Hawk: He gone! 

Rex:  Light up that halo!




Dear Sex Talk--

Should I break down and join a dating website?

Signed--
Super Desperate

Hawk:  Put it on the board, YES!

Rex: You don't go around yelling "Yo Yo Yo!"




Hudler/Hawk--

I like this guy but I accidentally farted when we were hanging out.  Do you think he will ever talk to me again?

Signed--
So Embarrassed 

Rex: Was there cheese under it?

Hawk: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSS!

Rex:  Light up that halo!



Well, that's it for now.  We hope you've enjoyed Sex Talk with Rex & Hawk.

Go Double Entendres!  You're the Best!

April 4, 2012

AC Talks About a Page From His 1993 Kansas City Royals Yearbook

Hey. AC here. I have a 1993 Kansas City Royals yearbook. I don’t remember getting it, and I really don’t know why, after moving dozens of times since the Royals 25th Anniversary Season, this is one of the few things that always makes it through.

It’s like a security blanket I guess. There’s something comforting about opening it up and seeing those $5.00 General Admission ticket prices, CAL all over the schedule and a lack of website URLs. I suppose it’s the same feeling Ned Yost gets when he’s cleaning his hunting rifles.

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to share a little bit of this vintage publication with you from time to time. I’ll just open up to a random page and talk about it. Hence, we arrive at the title of this series of blog posts: AC Talks About A Page From His 1993 Kansas City Royals Yearbook. I can already tell you that this will be post 1 of 88 in the series.

Now, let’s get started. Here we go. I’ll just flip this beauty open and see what we have…



Curtis Wilkerson.

Dammit. I don’t even remember this guy!

Guess I’ll just go with it. Alright. Curtis Wilkerson. Says here he played 111 games for the Royals in 1992. What?! Seems like I should’ve remembered him then. What’s up with these football cleats he’s got on? He looks like he’s ready to get picked off of second base. I do like those wristbands though. He’s wearing those triangle logo wristbands that you could get by sending in two proofs of purchase of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Believe me, I got a pair.

Let’s get back to the bio.

“Curtis has played for four clubs in his nine full seasons as [sic] the big league level…owns a lifetime average of .245 but is a career .280 pinch hitter…was the only non-roster spring training invitee to make the Opening Day roster…”

First off, the ellipses are not mine, it’s written that way! Like a bulleted list in paragraph form. I don’t have my MLA Handbook around, but I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Secondly, you’ll notice a typo just twelve words in. Go Royals print media team! You’re the Best! Finally, does that brief description remind you of someone we know?!

EMIL BROWN! Curtis Wilkerson was the 1993 Emil Brown. Made the team as a non-roster invitee. Mediocre outfield journeyman. He’s black. Samesies!

Well, looks like we’re out of time. I really enjoyed our time with Curtis tonight, and I hope you did too. If anyone has some fond memories of this bumstick, feel free to continue the discussion in the comment section.

Go 1993 Royals! You’re Going to Win 83 Games!

April 3, 2012

About Me / About Our System

Hello sports fans!  My name is Eli Convict.  I'm the newest member of the Royales with Cheese family.  This is the first post in the new series:


You may not recognize my name, but I bet you would recognize my drawings.  I'm a (former) cartoonist for a (formerly) major newspaper (no longer being printed).  My art has been described as dreadful and nauseating, my political and cultural gags as obvious, pandering, and lacking awareness. But I don't care. In fact, these qualities allowed me to work steadily in the political cartoon game for decades.

As for my baseball experience, it's quite impressive.  I've played beer league softball my whole life, beginning at age 10.  I've quit the game at least seven times over the years in attempts to get sober, but I just love baseball and Miller High Life too much to stay away for long.  I'm currently the manager of my team, The East Bottoms, and we've compiled a winning record during my tenure, which shows I know what I'm doing.  I've also watched a fair amount of baseball in my life and seen all three Major League films, which can't be discounted. 
 
I was asked by the good folks at Royales with Cheese to implement a points system to help evaluate the Royals players this season. You know, weigh the value of a save or a sacrifice or a triple play in a way people can understand.  Not everyone is going to realize an outfield assist is important if you don't assign it a value.  But what if I said that play was worth ten points?  I bet you'd understand now, you big dummy.  The key with any good system is that it should rely on simple addition or subtraction.  Any system that uses fancy math like division or percentages can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned. 

Now before we get too much further, I want to make something clear.  Our system has absolutely nothing to do with that other Royals blog and its points system. Not a damn thing.

There is one huge difference between that system and ours:

Our system is not bullshit.

I repeat, our system is NOT bullshit.

Convicting the Royals is based on the groundbreaking work of Ron Popeil, who more than fifty years ago revolutionized advertising with Direct-Response Marketing.  He's famous for shilling the Chop-O-Matic Mr. Microphone and the Pocket Fisherman  What you may not know is that Popeil also came up with a chart for determining the value of baseball players, now commonly referred to as the RonCo Stat-O-Matic System

Unlike that other Royals blog, we have not touched this system.  It will be followed to the absolute letter.  We will not add the bullshit quality start category, nor will we fail to fully reward a batter for hitting a crucial home run to win the game if he only sees two pitches in the at-bat.  We will not choose to give a point for a stolen base, but somehow fail to take a point away for a caught stealing.  We will not "reward the little things" if those little things do not result in any tangible increased chance of winning.  We will not minimize truly important plays and players by rewarding another, less consequential play or player for "grit" or "scrappiness" or the ability to "play the game the right way."  Those are just code words used to describe guys who, for the most part, suck at baseball.

For example, let's say that with one out in the bottom of the eighth and the Royals down by two runs, Chris Getz grounds out to the right side of the infield, advancing Jeff Francoeur from second to third.  Will Getz get a point for that?  Well, it depends on if Francoeur ends up scoring.  If he does, then maybe it was okay to give up that out to advance the runner, but common sense tells us that it didn't really help the team much because Francoeur was already in scoring position and now the Royals have one less out to work with. The RonCo Stat-O-Matic System has it right: Getz will be rewarded with just 1/3 of a point for that play when it happens.  Now, here's the good part.  If Francoeur doesn't end up scoring, Getz will then lose 500 points because his ground out was much more detrimental to the team than the perceived benefit of moving a runner from second to third, especially with the team down by more than one run.  The overwhelming majority of the time, Getz making an out in a crucial situation because he can't get the ball out of the infield will result in a net total of -499 2/3 points.

That's the great thing about Ron Popeil's system.  It rewards the little things only when they actually benefit the team, and it penalizes the shit out of them when they actually hurt the team.  It doesn't put each play into a vacuum, and why should it?  What kind of dumbass system would do that?

You know what is always positive for a team?  A player getting a hit.  Even more positive?  A multi-base hit.  Better still?  A home run.  Getz hits a homer in that situation, he's gonna get a ton of RonCo Stat-O-Matic Points.  He tied the game with one swing.  That's huge.  But if he grounds out and the Royals don't score, he gets treated like a goat, just as he should.  I just don't understand why that other system would make a game-winning homer only slightly more valuable than a ground out that ultimately results in nothing more than a wasted out. It's perplexing.

And yes, bullshit.

I'm looking forward to a good season.  I hope you'll enjoy my blogging about the team this season.  The RonCo Stat-O-Matic Revolution begins in just three days!

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

March 30, 2012

Major Announcement



 Frank White has been replaced by two more Ryan Lefebvres!

Like the goddamn Invasion of the Forehead Snatchers, isn't it?

Just kidding.

Surprisingly, comparing these two guys to Ryan Lefebvre is actually an insult to Ryan Lefebvre.

I know.

Very unexpected.

Which brings us to this week's edition of Michael Tucker's OMG Moment.


OMG! Can you believe how colossally bad at talking Rex Hudler is? It's like he's never actually been on TV (or AM radio or a telephone or any device) ever in his life.  He's awkward.  He says "uhhhh" every other word.  He has a weird, forced enthusiastic tone that completely fails to jive with the monosyllabic words coming out of his food-hole.

Enthusiasm does not cover up the fact you know very little about this team or its players, or (somehow) baseball in general, Rex.  In fact, it tends to enhance how moronic your comments actually are.

Now I assume the broadcasts will become less grating as the season wears on and Rex actually learns something about the sport he's paid to describe for a living, but Good God man, tonight was a chore for viewers.

To be fair, though, amid the idiotic and breathy dipshit comments, at one point he did make an extremely profound statement that I think we all benefited from hearing:

"Fukudome is Japanese, you know."

Fukudome.

Is.

Japanese.

You know.

Anyway, so that is Hudler.

A panting, stupid mess.

Steve Physioc (whose name I prefer to write out as Fizzyock and will likely do so forevermore) wasn't actually that bad.  Sure, he wears a phony announcer voice, but at least he doesn't make dipshit comments every 1.3 seconds like Rex Hudler.

By the way, Rex, you have a dog's name.

Grow the fuck up.

Anyway, back to Fizzyock.  I actually didn't mind him.  His phony announcing voice is fine.  What kills me about him is his hilarious talent (or lack thereof) of transitioning between points of discussion and game action and running the broadcast.

"Starting lineups brought to you by Ford, whom you might remember invented the assembly line, and that's just what these Royals are doing tonight, assembling themselves into a lineup written out in Sharpie by Ned Yost whom, now that Getz has popped out to short, we'll be talking to when we come back at the top of the inning."

Seriously.

Listen to his transitions.

Sometimes decent, mostly awful and hilariously tenuous in their connections, but altogether delightful.

And I guess Rex (so God help me, I think that really is his birth name) Hudler is kind of entertaining too, though in the Roger-Corman-Troll-2-Birdemic-Shock-&-Terror-Godfather-Part-III-Showgirls-Transformers sort of way.  

So the OMG Analysis comes down to this:

Rex Hudler is awful, though perhaps an amusing trainwreck.

Steve Fizzyock is okay but makes awkward transitions.

Ryan Lefebvre tells dumb stories and lame jokes, but we're used to him.

Bob Davis has a reduced presence, thank the almighty Christ.

Frank White, for all his awkward giggling, shilling of Pepsi Max, and information about moon phases, will be missed more than I anticipated.

Denny Mathews is a legend, and sadly may not be around when this team is any good.

And there you have it.

As Michael Tucker would say, "Oh my Golly!"

Go Royals TV Announcers!  You all look alike!

March 29, 2012

We're All Cainsians Now

Remember Melky Cabrera? Me neither.

The Internet is buzzing about the Royals new center fielder, Lorenzo Cain,
and rightfully so. After a solid year in Omaha and an impressive spring, Lorenzo looks as ready for the big leagues as anyone can. Most people agree he's an upgrade in center, but I for one expect him to have a great year at the plate, too.

In any case, Lorenzo Cain isn't just a promising young ball player. He represents a shift in economic thinking for the entire franchise. It's called Cainsianism. Cainsianism is all about athleticism, the circular flow, maximizing aggregate run output and a willingness to plunge the franchise into debt in order to capture the new Wild Card spot.

Behold, Lord Cain.



Now, I know what you're thinking. The Royals have implemented a number of harebrained economic theories in the past, and they all sucked. Alright, that's fair. But trust me, this will be nothing like the Chili Davis Hypothesis, The Kevin Koslofski Balanced Growth Theory, The Seitzer-Pecota Thesis, The Terry Shumpertarian Growth Model or the unmentionable Carlos Febles Theory of Conspicuous Consumption.

Those were horrible mistakes. We need this, guys, just look at the chart:



It makes sense.

Either way, I expect the Royals blogosphere will look back on the day that Lorenzo Cain takes the field this season as THE turning point for the team. Finally we can say goodbye to the days of David Glass’s destructive saving, small ball, contact hitters like Scott Pose and managers with no sideburns like Tony Muser.

So, say it loud. Say it proud.

We're All Cainsians Now!


March 28, 2012

Get the Picture

Alex Gordon is many things.

Father.

Son.

Hitter.

Gold-glover.

Royal.

 And yes....

Photobomber.













Go Royals! You're the Best!

March 26, 2012

When you don't care enough to send the very best.

In our continuing search for easy posts, we've jumped on the someecards.com bandwagon and made a bunch of Royals-related e-cards.  We doubt we're the first to do this, and we likely won't be the last.

Feel free to click on any of the cards, as doing so will take you to that card's page where you can send it along to a fellow Royals sufferer.

Please to enjoy:

















 


  

 
  





  

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

March 25, 2012

The Main Event

With Johnny Giavotella being optioned to AAA today, we are left with two contenders for second base.

The Royals would have us believe that the two will be "sharing second."

That's ridiculous. One of these bumsticks has to start on Opening Day. Who will it be? Getz is an above average defender, but he can't hit. Yuni is a giant Cuban turd, but Yost is in love with him.

There's only one way to settle this.

Ladies and Gentleman,

Welcome to the Main Event.

** WARNING: Homo-curious image ahead **

We've got a real slobberknocker on our hands. Every routine grounder matters. Every bunt, every sac fly, every HBP could be the one that puts someone over the top. And at the end, we'll be guaranteed a second baseman that no one likes.

I was going to make a joke suggesting the Royals contact Mark Grudzielanek, but it turns out they did! He was so pissed about finishing next-to-last in the Mark Madness poll that he told them to fuck off.

12 days till the opener and we already know we'll get no offense from the C, SS, 3B and 2B.

Can't wait.

Go Royals. You're the Best!


March 24, 2012

Operation Inboxer

This is a first in our blog's history.  A loyal reader sent us a bit of fan mail.

I know.  

I was shocked too.

Regardless, I doubt it will ever happen again, so I've decided to post it in its entirety.


Dear Royales With Cheese--

What's up with Chen?  I think he really has Chenital Warts, just like you said a few weeks ago.

I am glad this blog is back. I remember reading it a long time ago when your slogan was "True. Blue. Balls." That was funny.  It was also funny when you showed Daniel Cortes naked on a toilet.  That was probably the funniest post you ever did, even though you didn't say anything funny on it. 
 
I am almost done with my first year at Maple Woods, which is famous for having Albert Pujols play here for a year, but my favorite thing about our school is that Alberto Callaspo got a DUI from our campus security once. Anyway, I was supposed to be doing a paper this week, but instead I spent like three hours making a dumb picture, just like you do at this blog.  When I finished, I didn't know what to do with it, so I'm sending it to you.  Maybe you can post it, but you probably won't.  Keep up the good work. 

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

--Ray Welch

Attached to the e-mail was this image:




First of all, thanks for the e-mail, Ray, and thanks for sending along the image.  

Fortunately, I had managed to block out the memory of that movie for the last decade or so, but your image brought it all flooding back: Robin Williams as a giant child who doesn't act much differently than Robin Williams as a man; Jennifer Lopez in one of her early roles as a Hispanic character; Bill Cosby playing a tutor in his greatest role since Ghost Dad; light comedy burdened by the pathos demanded in nearly every mainstream Robin Williams movie since Dead Poet's Society; a hokey epilogue that tells us to follow our dreams while ignoring the fact that Jack is going to die like a year or two later; basically, what I'm saying is I bet Emil Brown loves this terrible movie.

As for the image itself, the idea and execution are pretty good, and looking it over did inspire quite a few questions for me.

For instance--

How likely is it that if Soria chooses to retire, numerous Royals will go to his house and take turns yelling, "Can Jack come out and play?" until he acquiesces and returns to the team?

Whose fall from grace was more depressing?  Joakim Soria or Francis Ford Coppola?

Which is more interminable?  Recovering from Tommy John surgery or watching any Robin Williams movie not called World's Greatest Dad?

Which award is more often given to someone undeserving?  An all-star appearance or an Oscar? 

Do you think Robin Williams ever did blow with Willie Wilson?

Why didn't Ray consider modifying a Dead Man Walking poster?  It would be a similarly dated reference, but Dead Man Joakim is a pretty good pun and at least people remember that movie.

In any case, I thank you for the image and the e-mail, Ray.  I hope you did okay on that paper. Stay in school, and maybe someday you too will be an amateur blogger like me.

And if the rest of you readers would like to provide our blog with any free content or you just want to tell us how awesome we are, send it along to RoyalesWithCheese at gmail dot com, or post it to our facebook or twitter.  Or if you want to tell us how much we suck, that might be kind of funny, too.  Either way, you just might see it posted here along with some of our patented lazy snark. 

Go Ray!  You're the Best!

March 23, 2012

The Linen/Silk Anniversary

The history of Royals baseball is littered with infamous dates that mark tragic turns of events and missteps that set the team back years, decimated the fan base, and made the organization a laughingstock.

Those of us who remain fans attempt to expunge these dates from our minds and suppress these memories, usually through burning Ken Harvey jerseys and indulging in dangerous amounts of grain-based alcohol, but RWC is not willing to just let these travesties go.  Because according to every 8th grade Social Studies teacher/track and field coach in America, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

That's why we're starting a new series in which we'll look back at these awful dates in Royals history.  For our first post in this series, we shall look back at March 23, 2007, exactly four years ago.

Let's crack open our handy reference guide:


Poor Pichardo's Almanack, first published in 1759 by an ancestor of Hipolito Pichardo, originally focused on Dominican culture, climate, and agriculture.  Most of the early editions contain far too much information about the optimal harvesting time for plantains and cheapest methods of rum production.  Beginning in the 1940s, it became strictly a guide to the best meringue albums.

However, the publication underwent a fundamental shift in content twenty years ago. In 1992, Poor Pichardo's Almanack became the preeminent source for all things Royal, and no fan should be without a copy. You can find this for under three bucks (plus shipping) on most reputable retail and auction sites, though be aware the native Spanish has been translated to a hybrid of Old and Middle English in some sort of confused appeal to the nostalgia of dead people. It's still a fine publication and we heartily recommend you order a copy, but be sure to keep a thesaurus handy.

Now let's go ahead and look back at March 23, 2007.

Quoth the Almanack:


Did you guys get all that?  Not sure if we did on our end.  Something about semen?

Anyway, here's how we covered the trade on Royales With Cheese four years ago: ¿Dos Tony Peñas? ¡Mierda!  That's probably only slightly easier to read than the almanac entry.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

March 22, 2012

Spring Training Recap

Hi guys! Last week I was in Arizona watching the Kan City Royals. A lot of stuff happened, but I wasn't really paying attention.

I'll be honest with ya, I spent most of the week getting drunk on the outfield grass and adjusting my sunglasses so no one could tell I was staring at the ASU co-eds the whole time.

Anyway, I did not forget my mission entirely. #StopYuni (yeah, we're still doing this) was in full effect across the entire Phoenix area.

Here I am spreading the gospel in Scottsdale.



Then, I got this older couple involved at Surprise Stadium.



I had to tell them that Yuni was a local pederast, but I'm pretty sure they disapprove of a .292 OBP.

A few days in, though, I realized my little sign wasn't enough. I had to do more.

A scoreboard message. Yes. That would do it. That would end this madness.

I called up the Surprise Stadium marketing department to inquire. They were more than happy to feature a message at the next game - for $50. Unfortunately, when I told them what I wanted, they said they could not help me. Denied.

Luckily, the folks at Peoria Sports Complex (home of the Padres and Mariners) did not balk at my request. So, following a message wishing Connor Banks a Happy 9th birthday, this appeared on the screen for seven magical seconds.


Mission accomplished. And this one was only $40. Suckers.

Alright, back to the team. All these guys got hurt while I was there! What the heck?





I'm pretty sure Bruce Chen will get hurt, too. Just look at how he gets ready to start a game. Come on, Chen!



Finally, I finished up the week with a classic Straight Cash Homey moment.


"Mom, thanks for getting me this Rick Ankiel jersey from the Majestic outlet store! Now I don't have to wear that Terrence Long jersey to games anymore!"

15 Days until the Opener against the The Angels Angels of Anaheim.

Go Royals! You're the best!

March 21, 2012

Bracket Buster

Hello, sports fans! Before I get to my Spring Training recap, I promised one of my favorite Royals players I would do something for him.

As you may know, last week, Billy Butler shared his NCAA tournament picks with the entire Royals nation. What you may not know, is that another player was much more eager to share his picks, but did not get the chance.

Knowing RWC to be a reputable blog with over six followers, Royals shortstop Alcides Escobar tracked me down before an afternoon exhibition game and practically begged me to post his "bracket."

It seemed like a reasonable request until I discovered they were his picks for Primera Division Venezuelan soccer.

Yeah.

I tried to explain that no one gives a shit about soccer, but he was sure you would all want to see this. How could I say no to this face?


Okay, a promise is a promise. Here's Alcides Escobar's bracket. How does it stack up against yours?

Whatever. Go FC Caracas! You're the Best!

March 20, 2012

It'll make your eyes bug.

Michael Tucker is famous among Royals fans for his two go-arounds with the club that featured dropped catches, bat flips, occasional signs of promising though nonchalant play, and yes, of course, his eyes.

Tucker seemed to always be expressing something sorrowful or surprising with his eyes.

Perhaps it was, "Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?"  Maybe it was, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"  It could have just been, "Man, I hope those TUMs start working soon." 

In any case, his eyes were a window to his soul.  A soul that seemed to be 10% scared, 10% shocked, and 80% sclera.

What I'm saying is, Michael Tucker had the bug eyes.  

But we loved him for it.

That's why we are immortalizing his hilariously expressive eyes with a new feature entitled "Michael Tucker's OMG Moment of the Week."

 

This week's moment came earlier today when Dayton Moore shat himself silly and traded promising young pitcher Kevin Chapman and a PTBNL for two washouts from the Houston Astros.  

I guess Ivan Rodriguez turning down a contract with your team will make you do stupid things.

The main piece in the trade is Humberto Quintero.  He supposedly fills the catching void created by the losses of Salvador Perez and Manny Pina.  While he's had many years of mediocre play, so far this spring Quintero had only played one game for Houston.  That game was yesterday.  He went from third-string Astros catcher to possibly starting catcher for the Kansas City Royals in less than 24 hours.  We call that a #HumbertoBrag.

Quintero has played nine years in the bigs, but only amassed a 3 WAR.  He's not much of a hitter, carrying a .234 average and only walking 37 times in his 1075 career ABs.  He's hit only fifteen home runs despite playing in the juicebox that is Minute Maid Park for much of his career.  He is much better defensively, however, and is apparently quite adept at picking off runners.  In that regard, he's the Bizarro Brayan Pena.  What one has in offensive ability, the other has in defensive ability.  Otherwise, they are both heavyset backup catchers in their early-30s that have spent most of their careers on terrible teams.  They should complement each other depressingly well.

The other player, Jason Bourgeois, is really only interesting because of his name. In reality, he's more like Jason Proletarian. He's got decent speed and not much else going for him.  Dayton said they wouldn't have made the trade if Bourgeois wasn't involved.  I'm not really sure why that is, unless they are looking for an older, less talented Jarrod Dyson or Mitch Maier to be the fourth outfielder this year.  If that's the case, maybe Michael Tucker was still available. In any case, we'll probably have some fun this summer making more references to Marxism and Luis Bunuel films than we have in any previous Royals season, so it's not a total loss.

The biggest problem with this trade is that we were hoping Moore had moved beyond these panicky moves, but it looks like we have a lot more bad trades to deal with in the future.  How else do you explain two of the worst players on the Houston Astros (THE HOUSTON ASTROS!)-- players who were in danger of not even making their team this year-- are the newest Royals, while a 24-year-old pitcher with a high strike-out rate and potential to shine in the Royals bullpen for years is on his way out?

As Michael Tucker would say, "Oh my golly!"

And as we are fond of saying, though we are often sighing and shaking our heads, 
"Go Royals!  You're the Best!"

March 16, 2012

Movie Revues Blog Spot Post 2

Hello Royales with Chess Fans!  Emil is back with more movies revues!

It's one of my favorite times of the year!  St. Patricks Day is this Saturday and I love it because you can drink a lot and even in the morning!  You can have green beer and green eggs and ham and corn beef and cabbage and whiskey and Guinness beers!

Drinking is fun all the time but what makes this green day so fun is that there is also so many good movies that you can watch on the day and at the same time drinking. I like to have a film fest in my home theatre and invite all the ballers over to get drunk and apprecate Irish movies. 

The Sy-Fi Channel is doing all of you folks a favor this Saturday though if you don't have Irish bluerays or dvds like me to watch for when you are getting drunk.  They are showing all of the Leprecaun movies and they calling it LeperCarnage which is a funny name because he does kills lots of people in these films.  I got the dvd set and it is called Pot of Gore which is also a funny joke about his murdering.

But get this!  Sci-Fy is even doing a new Leprechuan movie called The Lepercan's Revenge at 9 east 8 central 8 mountain and 9 west and I for one can not wait to be seeing this new movie.

Why we wait for that I think I will share my reviews of St. Patricks movies so that way you can know what you are gon see if you ain't seen them but even if you have!

I even made my picture better for the holidays!


It's green because people will pinch you if you don't got green on on this day. Noone will pinch this blog now Right? LOL!

The Leprechan (1993)
This is the one that starts it all! I saw it when it first come out and it was sort of dumb but at the same time scary! Looking back now what is most crazy is that the main chick is Jennifer Anstiton but she's had face and nose work done after it so she's like a five in it!  No Rachel haircut and has a busted ass nose, but shes still got charm. The leprechaun is actually real likeable even for killing people, but it is sad when the dumb guy who eats a coin. DUMMY! There is also four killed in this one and one is a guy getting pogo-jumped on! 


The Leperchan 2 (1994)
The next one starts off like more of a historic drama. Its olden days and his b-day and a girl sneezes and so that makes her the bride of lecherpan.  But that gets screwed up and he has to wait to his next birthday to get married and that is now in modern days. He's more funny in this one but more scary, so its better than the first one.  There is a part where he looks like a naked chick and a guy goes to kiss her but its a fan and the guys face gets ripped all up. It's real good and I think twice now when I see a naked girl or if I have to sneeze about if that means I'm in trouble. I tell people God bless you all the time because that is how you stop leprechans in the movie from weddings!


The Lerpchaun 3 (1995)
This one is in Vegas and you think that would be good but its dumb compare to One and Two.  They are being even more funny now but dumb funny because it don't have any good jokes in it what so ever.  You also start to get by this point that in the movies the Leprechan kills a bunch of people that don't always have much to do with getting his gold back.  Basicaly he just killing random people because they in the movie not because they got anything to do with taking his gold or bride. He does got a shalaylee in this one and that's badass. There is a gross part where a woman's boobs and butt blowed up but its fake looking! I watch this one the less of all of them but I still give it six stars.

The Leprevhaun 4: In The Space (1997)
This is just crazy! You don't even know why he's in space but he is in space!  I kind of like it for its so different than the others.  In Space the leprehhan is not even rhyming in this one which is the only one of the movies where he does no rhymes! He is trying to get a space princess and there are some good looking girls in it like the tool girl from The Home Improvement but she never is naked so thats a letdown. This one is so weird you are just like WTF the whole time! A dude gets turned into a giant spider guy and the Lerpechan also becomes giant at one point! Special effects are terribell but its sort of funny in a bad movie way. This is the second best one, but defiantly get drunk before you watch this one and it will be even better!

The Leperchun 5 in the Hood (2000)
This one is the best one! It is more funny then the others! Going from space to teh hood was a good move to make. I like to see him in different places killing people.  Ice-T is in this one and he turns the leprechan into statue and he gets rich off his fife.  He works with young rappers trying to catch a break but mostly he tries to kill them also because they get the fife. This one is funny with clever refrences to The Jeffersons, sHAFT, Judge Judy, Bride of The Frankenstein, Colt 45 forties, and Master P, and afro picks and lots more. You just got to watch it to catch all of it and its the one I watch the most even when it ain't around St. Patrick Day. I like to say quotes off it to friends and I even wrote one (Bitches and HOes ain't all my man knows!) on lots of autographs before. People don't get what thats from and that is hiliarous to me! But ain't all jokes since the leprechan will get the last laugh! Spoiler alert--- the leprechan smokes weed in this one!!!!!

The Lechreprang Back in 2 Tha Hood (2003)
So the last one was so good they made another one in the hood but its not so good.  There is no Ice_T and no Coolio in this one. Some teens find the Leprechans gold and so he decides to kill people to get it back even if they don't have the gold! The best thing is that they finally make his outfit less stupid. He looks creepier and the murderings are a little more gorier then the last movie.  A cop gets his leg ripped off and its gross but I laughed at it. They get him killed in this one by putting clovers on bullets.  Finally that was a ending that made sense!

So now I bet you are all in the spirit of St. Patricks Day I bet.  Have fun watching this and other movies and drinking. But remember if you drink don't be dumb.  Be smart and watch these movies and drink. Okay?  Don't forget the new one Saturday night .  I bet it should be the best one of them all.

Remember to don't steal gold or fifes or princesses from the leperchaun or he will murder you and your friends!

Happy St. Patrick Day from me and the killer Leprehcaun!

Go Movies!  Your the Best!

March 14, 2012

Commission Impossible

As you're probably well aware, the Royals have been hemorrhaging fans for the last twenty years and have repeatedly tried and failed to keep themselves culturally relevant to the increasingly apathetic masses.

These attempts failed, ultimately, because most were geared toward the lowest common denominator. The idiots, the drunks, the layabouts, the cut-off-sleeves, the slug-a-beds, the troglodytes, the low-brows, the great unwashed, the... well, you get the idea. 

They did everything they could to get this group to the park. They added a mascot. Krispy Kreme Donuts. Fireworks after home games. A facebook page. Pink baseball hats. Dollar hot dogs. Jeff Francoeur. Miniature golf. Thousands of free t-shirts. Gnome scavenger hunts. Concerts featuring local unsigned bands. Jeff Foxworthy.


But luckily they've realized the error of their ways.  While a fool and his money are soon parted, the mouth-breathers don't bring in a lot of repeat business.

They usually show up reeking of Milwaukee's Best in the third inning, complain about the sun and how the Royals are a farm team for the Yankees, eat some chili-cheese nachos, yell some racial slurs, and leave in the fifth inning so they don't miss Khloé & Lamar, a pile of garbage and sweat-stained seat their only lasting impacts.

Appealing to these folks will get you some money once or twice a season, but they don't have the brainpower or attention span to follow baseball, especially not a team like the Royals that requires undying loyalty to form a true connection. 

And it seems like the Royals finally get that.  This season, the Royals are doing something, well, frankly incredible.  They are choosing now to go after the four-eyes, the tongue-cluckers, the Sabermetric geeks, the stuffed shirts, the academics, the eggheads, the high-brows, the Arrested Development fans, the great unwashed, the... well, you get the idea. 

Their first move was to commission dozens of artists to create challenging and beautiful works that will be displayed in a new wing of the stadium known as the Royal Museum of Art.

We here at Royales with Cheese were lucky enough to obtain some of these works, and will present them throughout the season.

First up is a work that was generated before the unfortunate decision to not renew Frank White's broadcasting contract.  The artist, 16-year-old high school sophomore and DeviantArt member LadyJacob96, works primarily in graphite, colored pencil, and ballpoint pen.

I now present to you The Legend of the White Knight, 12" X 8":




I find the composition interesting. The moon phases really keep the eye moving around the picture plane. I appreciate the subtle manipulation of value. Frank's essence was captured well in this piece, and I look forward to seeing it in person at the Royal Museum of Art.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

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