Paranoid

Five games into this season, the Royals were cruising.  They had taken two of three from the Angels.  They were on the verge of sweeping the Athletics.  They would come back from the opening road trip 4-2, ready to take on the lowly Indians. 

But fate had something else in store for the Royals.

On April 11, a day which will surely live on in infamy in Poor Pichardo's Almanack, KC was up 4-3 in the 12th inning at the Oakland Coliseum.  Jonathan Broxton, he of the 54-inch waist, was brought in to mow down the A's and seal the victory.  

As you recall, things unraveled quickly.  

Alcides Escobar booted a routine grounder.  Broxton walked a guy.  Then he walked another guy.  Then there was an RBI groundout.  Then Broxton hit a guy.  And then, with the bases loaded in a tie game, he hit another guy.  

The game was over.  Two runs had scored, and the ball never left the infield.

It was weird.  People commented on how weird it was. It was, in fact, only the second time in history a game had ended with back-to-back HBP.

 People blamed Broxton.  They blamed Yost.  They blamed Escobar.

But all those people are wrong.

We've figured it out.  We know what wrought all of this. The person to blame for this game, and yes, the following ten-straight losses on the Royals  homestand, is none other than Jeff Francoeur.

He did something so wrong, so inexcusable, so unforgivable, that it has doomed the Royals' entire season.

He bought twenty pizzas for Oakland A's fans.

The media ate it up.  Joel Goldberg told viewers about it during the game. The Kansas City Star ran the story.  Yahoo Sports even picked it up. It was another signifier, the media argued, of what a nice guy Jeff Francoeur is.  

However, they missed the real story here.  What Frenchy really did was anger the baseball gods.

This isn't a story about sportsmanship or integrity or innate goodness.  It's a story about a player who made overtures to the enemy.  About a player who bonded with the fans of an opposing team. About a player who sacrificed the good of his team and his team's fans for another.  And he unknowingly did it with the deadliest weapon of all:

Pizza.

You see, in 1986, Domino's Pizza introduced a much-despised new mascot called The Noid.  This character frequently showed up in Domino's commercials as an evil-doer bent on stopping pizza from being delivered in under thirty minutes.  The Noid was so popular that he even starred in his own Nintendo game, "Yo! Noid."

It is no coincidence that ever since The Noid came into being, the Royals haven't so much as smelled the playoffs.  His creation was following, of course, their 1985 World Series victory.

And thus was born the Curse of the Noid.  The legend goes that just as the Noid stopped stoned pizza delivery boys from delivering the goods in thirty minutes, so too will the Noid stifle the Royals' playoff hopes for thirty years.

Don't believe me?  The proof is undeniable.

Ever since the Noid came into being, the Royals have been the laughingstock of baseball. The Noid is responsible for Dick Howser's death, Bo Jackson's hip injury, David Cone being traded away twice, black jerseys, Mike Sweeney's back problems, four 100-loss seasons, and Ken Harvey.

This season started off promisingly enough.  But Francoeur, nice guy that he is, failed to realize that sending twenty pizzas to the Oakland A's fans would reignite this 26-year-old curse.  

Immediately, the impact was felt: the Broxton blown save, the Hochevar Opening Day implosion, Alex Gordon striking out with the bases loaded to end a game, Ned Yost becoming obsessed with bunting, and yes, the Royals going 0 for the month of April at Kauffman Stadium.

These things are all because of that goddamn Noid.

And I don't think there's any way to stop it.  Perhaps the legend will hold true and the Royals will make the playoffs in 2016.

Until then, may God have mercy on us all.

Go Royals!  You're Cursed!

Fishing with Rex

It's been a long week, so let's check out the (not so) funny pages and see what Rex Hudler, M.D. is up to!  When we last saw Hudler, he and Chris Getz were talking about ladies and fishing.  Boring, right?  But there was this evil guy in the shadows plotting to get Rex, so maybe something interesting has happened in the interim.

Let's pick up the action, one week and seven strips later:

(Click to embiggen, of course)

So, basically nothing has happened in a week.

So, nothing is different between this comic strip and the Royals current homestand.

So this is why newspapers are dying.  So this is why Royals fans are dying.

So.... 

I got nothing.

Maybe that evil blogger will get off his fat ass and do something.

Yeah, I'm writing about myself in the third person now.

Go Royals! Go far, far away!

Eight is Enough

Alright, Royals.  We get it.  Enough is enough.

We were taking you for granted.  We enjoyed last year a lot.  We complimented you frequently.  We surprised you with gifts.  We stole kisses.  We felt you up.  You gave us a hand jibber in the porta-potty after a walk-off win.  It was hot.

We told our friends that you might be "the one."

Not only were you "the one," but you were the only one.

Then something happened over the offseason.  Suddenly things were different.

Maybe we took you for granted.  We assumed everything was good.

But things really weren't.  You were young.  You were naive.  

And so were we.

Yes, you were hot.  The youngest team in baseball.  You were getting the All-Star Game.  You were filming commercials telling us it was "our time."

And we bought it.

Because if we believed you, the world seemed like a little better place.  It got us through the football season.

But we didn't really get it.  The truth.  The truth was that you really weren't ready.  We thought you were, but you weren't.

You were lying to us.  You were stroking our egos as longtime fans.  Stringing us along.

 Again, we can't blame you for this entirely, but you played up the hype.  Maybe you didn't mean to, maybe you were just pressuring yourself.  Either way, you were screwing with our heads.

You slut.

I mean, really.  What do you have to offer?  You're attractive.  You're young.  But that's not enough to carry a relationship.  

Where's the character?  The personality?  The emotional maturity?  The intellect?  The wisdom? The drive?  

You really have nothing to offer.

Nothing.

Not a goddamn thing.

Youth is a delicate product and it will fade away quickly.  Just as it has done in the past.

Just as it will in the future.

You're incomplete.

Woefully incomplete.

That's clear.  

And we're too old for these games.  We've been through this shit over and over for almost thirty years.

And this is just too much for us to process at this point in our lives.

Call us when you win a game, baby.

Call us when you grow up.

Go Royals!  Maybe we can be friends!

L7 Weenies

The Royals lose again. That's seven straight. A shameful L7 in the streak column. But you already know that.

Even Kansas City's youth have given up and begun mocking the team.

It's okay, Michael "Squints" Palledorous, they deserve it. The season's over. Just give up.

Keep reading the blog, though.

Blow me, Royals! You suck!

Time for your Yearly Psych Eval-Introducing Pavlov's Dawg

JR’s not in a good place right now and by not in a good place I mean drunk on 40s of malt liquor lying face down in a drainage ditch with a beard longer than Ted Kaczynski’s.

 

AC is not much better, spending most of his time doing bicep curls in front of a mirror.  His wife Jessie’s back on diet pills.  Such is the life of the Royals fan; brutal, constant and unkind.   At least that’s what we’ve been led to think.

See all this depression is not sitting well with the Royales With Cheese ownership.

The margins for operating a site like RWC are already tight and the writers’ swoon is not helping.  So, the powers that be have hired me, P.D to right the ship.  

(not me)

First, a little about me. . .  I have degrees in parapsychology and psychology from Columbia University.  I spent a great deal of time studying the effects of negative reinforcement on extra sensory perception and wrote a lengthy thesis on the topic.

 Later I went into the private sector where I’ve seen a great many hard cases.  Yet in all my time I’ve never seen cases so hard as those of the lifelong Royals fan.

When I got JR and AC away from the Cobra 40s long enough for their eval I got the usual lines:

“These Royals were supposed to be good.”

“They have a fine young ballclub.”

“This is their time!”

Intermixed with bemoanings over the state of baseball.

“If we had as much money as the Yankees things would be better.”

However, I soon came to realize that these statements were all manifest symptoms of the true problem.  Royals fans are engaged in a codependent relationship with the team and exhibit the symptoms of passive dependent personality disorders.

Let me break it down.

There are five patterns consistent in Codependent relationships.  They are Denial,  Compliance, Control , Low Self Esteem, and Avoidance.  Let’s start with an easy one.

1. Denial

 AC and JR each exhibit perfect examples of denial patterns.  They constantly state that the Royals have “a fine young ballclub” and that “it’s early in the season they’ll turn it around.”  While this may be a fine coping strategy in relationships with other sports teams, I had to present them with the cold hard facts to break through their insanity.  In 2010, the Royals started 9-14 and their final record was 67-95.  In 2008 they were 12-15; final record, 75-87.  In fact, there are examples of this team utterly failing to turn it around dating back to 1992.  Ah 1992 the year the Royals started 3-19.  They finished that season 72-90.  The reality is the Royals do not turn it around as the season wears on.  They may win a few games in a row keeping hope up that they are on the verge of breaking through.  They are not.  They are a horrible, no good, very bad team and that’s the long and the short of it.

However, there are those out there who say, “P.D., they have a great young core! They will be ok!”    Like this guy:

 

And this guy:

 

And this guy:

 

Seriously?

But what is a core without guys like:

 

Or this:

 

Or even this:

 

In fact, is there a single pitcher on this team that if they were on any other team in baseball we wouldn’t be making fun of the poor hapless suckers who signed him?

Our history is littered with these losers:

No pitching=No wins

(and those hitters aren't too hot either)

The bottom line is simple:

This team is terrible.  This team will be terrible.  This team is the worst.  Step One to overcoming denial.

Deal with it.

Say it with me. . .

GO ROYALS.  YOU’RE THE WORST.

Next Pattern - - - -Compliance

These Points Go To Game 11.

Hello sports fans!  Eli Convict here to tell you how you should be watching and evaluating the game! This is Convicting the Royals:

I've always said ten games into the season is the perfect time to stop, look around, take a deep breath, and place arbitrary point values on players.  Unfortunately, the Royals played their tenth game on Monday, but Mr. Convict got a little too, well, let's call it, "drinky," following the loss against Justin Verlander.  Unfortunately for you loyal readers (and for my AA sponsor), I didn't really sober back up until today. 

In any case, here are the RonCo Stat-O-Matic point totals eleven games in, with the Royals sitting at 3-8 at the bottom of the AL Central:

One bonus of the Ron Popeil Stat System Totals Board is that you can print out a few copies, cut them into pieces, and play a game of Guess Who? with your buddies.

Anywho, I won't go through each player's point total, as I imagine you can glean quite a lot from this.  

However, some quick hits:

Billy Butler = 37 Points - Looks to be the token Royal All-Star at this point, as he leads the league in several categories, including Bubble-Yum consumption.

Rex Hudler = 14 Points - He loves the game, he's enthusiastic, he smokes reefer, he's a ginger, he's monosyllabic, and yet the fans still don't like him.  Sorry folks, the RonCo system loves all of those intangibles.  Keep the good stuff coming, Rex!

Boulevard Beer = .13 BAC - This is what you'll need to enjoy Royals baseball this year.  Make sure to get a designated driver, folks!

Tim Scott = 3 Points - This douchebag got fired by the Royals this offseason, which actually earned him 25 points in the Stat-o-Matic System.  Unfortunately, he's working in Dinner Theatre right now, which costs him 22 points.

Bruce Chen = 2 Points -  As we all know, wins are the best way to determine how good a pitcher is, so Bruce is a huge disappointment so far despite pitching very well.

Sluggerrr = 0 Points - He earned 10 points for his birthday, but he started the season with -10 points because it's been over two years since he hit someone in the face with a hot dog. 

Alex Gordon =  - 27 Points - Listen, he really hasn't been that bad this year.  Sure, his average is low and he was the goat in the Verlander game, but he's been as good as ever in left field.  Unfortunately, the RonCo Stat-o-Matic system takes into account the number of negative calls about a player on sports talk radio, and Gordon has had the lion's share.

Luke Hochevar =  - 56 points -  He's only really had one bad inning this year, but it was Opening Day at the K, so we hate his guts.

Mustard =  - 83 points - Mustard is fucking gross!

Jonathan Sanchez = - 127 points - He hit Chin Two-Shoes which started some shit against the Indians, so the RonCo System loves him for that.  Of course, he's also been a bad pitcher so far this year, so it hates him for that.  Unless he hits a lot more guys, he's gonna be in the red for a long time this year.

Garth Brooks = - 256 points - "Friends in Low Places" as the Royals' anthem does nothing but reinforce the Bad News Bears aura surrounding the team.  How about some "Thunderstruck"?  Or that Karate Kid song "You're the Best"?  Hell, use "Stuck in the Middle With You" and see if the Royals can get to .500.

11 Game Total Score for the Kansas City "Our Time" Royals = - 1056 Points

There you go, folks.  We hope you enjoyed this edition of Convicting the Royals. Don't you feel like you have a much better perspective on the team now?  Or at least a better excuse for your drinking?  I know I do!

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

Slidin' Dirty

Attention all little leaguers, coaches and dirt enthusiasts. I have an exciting product announcement. As everyone knows, the basepaths are one of the most difficult areas of the baseball diamond to master. It's important to be safe and smart. Fortunately, The Skills and Drills DVD series has partnered with Royals second baseman Chris Getz to bring you the latest in baseball sliding instruction.

Look for this at your local Sam Goody early next week.

Including the instant classics shown above, this DVD demonstrates all the slides necessary to help make you a below average middle-infielder.

You Will Learn:

The Flop on Your Belly Like a Fucking Otter

The Worm Burner

The Sidewinder

The Spike

The Ass-Over-Teakettle

The Crocodile Mile

The Alaskan Pipeline

and more!

Try My Product

Go Getzy! You're the Best!

Punched In The Gut

Rex Hudler said it best when he summed up the weekend during today's broadcast, suggesting that Royals fans will feel they had been "punched in the gut" after witnessing a three game sweep at the hands of the Cleveland Indians. The Royals gave up 32 runs to one of the worst offenses in baseball. Mitch Maier pitched. Again.

I feel bad for Rex. Every night he says the key to the game is to avoid the big inning, but the Royals don't listen! He's forced to hide his frustration by explaining the purpose of the warning track and remarking that the Negro Leagues Museum is better than the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY.

But, there is an even bigger problem here. Indians reliever Chris Perez tweeted on Saturday night that it is not, in fact, Our Time. It's Tribe Time.

How can this be? It can't be Our Time and Tribe Time at the same time, can it? It certainly feels more like Tribe Time at the moment. So that would mean it's not Our Time at all. Right?

Meanwhile, to complicate matters even more, little Mikey Walsh in Astoria, Oregon believes it's HIS time.

I don't know what the Royals think about all this, but it's clear that simply saying "Our Time" isn't enough -- even if you get George Brett to say it on camera. They'll need more than an unoriginal slogan to beat Cecil Fielder and the Detroit Tigers this week. Here's hoping the boys in blue can bounce back.

Go Royals! You're The Best! (But not this weekend)

A Sunday Comic Sans Comic Sans

Rex Hudler has certainly made an impression on Royals fans in his short time as the team's TV color commentator. There has been a lot of bitching and moaning online about his ridiculous over-the-top enthusiasm, his belief that Royals fans have never watched a baseball game and need everything explained to them, his over-reliance on hackneyed catch phrases, and the fact that his voice sounds like Spicoli and Ted Theodore Logan had a baby and then peed on it.

Despite all the hate (and we're certainly guilty of joining in, too, in case you skipped the previous sentence), you have to admit that Rex is at least a decent guy who is trying.  Perhaps he's trying much too hard, but should we really fault him for that?  

In fact, with all the mockery, we're missing the positives of Rex Hudler.  

For one, all the complaining about him has helped to minimize the complaining about the abysmal performance of the team over the last several games.  Jonathan Broxton, Jarrod Dyson, Luke Hochevar, and Ned Yost are all very thankful for the Hud.

Secondly, I think he has proven to be a nice foil for Ryan Lefebvre.  Ryan has scaled back immensely on his dumb jokes and stories so far this year, likely because everything he says is no longer met with a nervous giggle by Frank White.  Or maybe it's just that Rex hardly ever lets Ryan talk. In any case, Lefebvre seems downright competent now, which is pretty encouraging.

Lastly, the truth is that anything that gets people talking about the Royals is a good thing.  Without Rex's misguided food analogies to describe the game, we might already be talking about Chiefs training camp.   

So the following new series is not meant to rip on Rex, but rather to celebrate him. Royales with Cheese is proud to present the highest honor possible to Rex Hudler: a comic strip based on his life.  

Because this is the first time we've run the strip, we'll fill you in on the back story.  

Rex Hudler, M.D. focuses on the adventures and misadventures of a former utility player/medical practitioner named Rex Hudler. In the following installment, we join Rex and Chris Getz on a fishing trip.  

A fishing trip called life.

Please to enjoy:

(click to embiggen)

Sage wisdom from Rex Hudler, M.D.  I don't know about you, but I don't like the looks of that evil Royals blogger in the last panel.  Let's keep our fingers crossed that Rex and Getz's fishing trip isn't disturbed.

We hope you enjoyed this first installment of Rex Hudler, M.D.  Mostly because we've already made about a dozen of these strips and they will likely get posted no matter what the response. 

Go Royals!  You're a soap-opera comic!

Hit him early and hit him often!

Thirty minutes until game time!  

I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared!

Let's throw Derek Lowe a funeral party.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

Twelfth Night

Once again, it is time to crack open Poor Pichardo's Almanack to see what this date means in Royals history.

Beginning in 1992, Poor Pichardo's Almanack became the preeminent source for all things Royal, and no fan should be without a copy. You can find this for under six bucks (plus shipping) on most reputable retail and auction sites, though be aware the native Spanish has been translated to a hybrid of Old and Middle English in some sort of confused appeal to Chaucer fanatics. It's still a fine publication and we heartily recommend you order a copy, but be sure to keep a thesaurus handy.

And now, here is the entry for April 12th:

 

Damn, that was a good time to be a Royals fan.  Maybe we'll see some of the same charmed luck that befell that squad tomorrow at the K.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

Movie Revues Blog Spot Post 3

Hi there Movies fans!  How is your day?  My day is pretty good because I watched movies all day!

You prolly want to know what I think of the new Leperchan movie I menshen last time.  Sorry to say it didn't even had the Lerpachan from the other movies so it was a whole lot of BS!  I won't even watch it next Saint Patricks Day I don't think.

What about you? Do you know what you are going to watch this weekend when you are watching movies?  Well don't worry because here I am back to revue some movies for you!

The Taxi Driver (1976)

So I was way confused by this because when I rent it I thought it was The Taxi with Queen Latifah! Instead it was this sad angry guy who drove a taxi in the 1970s and he always complain about how dirty things was but he was kind of dirty too and he prove it by watching porno and killing people and being crazy!  There is a pimp he kills and a kid who is a ho and Sybill Shapperd was fine as hell in this movie. I think it was a good movie but it sure weren't funny like I was hoping!

The Happy Feet Two (2011)

This is how you do a sequel!  Nobody can say they don't love The Happy Feet One and this is the same movie but with even more good stuff in it!  If you don't know what these movies are about basicly a bunch of penguins dance in them. This new one was in 3D and so that made the dancing even more cute and funny! There is more plot in this one then the first one because there is a new penguin who can fly.  There is also evil forces and so all the different ice animals got to come together in the end to beat the bad guy before dancing like crazy at the end.  This is a real good one for the whole family from babies to old folk! 

The Bridges of The Madison Country (1995)

This movie will make your heart hurt for real!  Even when I think about this movie I almost crying so much from how Meryl Strep is from Italy and in a lame marriage in Iowa and she love this other man but not her husband. She end up not leaving her husband in the rain because she got kids but you see the kids as grown ups and they ain't nothing special so that is real sad! Clint East Wood don't shoot any one in the movie so that is disapointting but like I said it makes your heart brake which makes it one of the best love movies evar told! When I die I want cremate and throwed off a bridge!

There Is Something About This Mary (1998)

If you want to laugh this is a good one to make you laugh!  Fast forward passed the guy singing and you'll be good. Vince Stiller likes Mary when they are kids but he zips his ding dong up in his zipper to ruin the prom. Years later he hire a guy to track her down and the funny thing is all the guys in the movie love Mary and fight over her.  There are funny things in it like Vince Stiller get fish hooks in his face and a dog attack him but it jumped out the window and broke it's back!   Brett Farva is on this also but remember it is ten years before he gets so annoying on Sport Center. See this one tonight!

The Train Spotting (1996)

I hate movies like this where the british people don't even speak clear enough to get what they are saying! This is a bunch of guys who like to have a good time and party a lot, so I like that.  But they also would fight sometimes and sometimes they do drugs which was always weird.  There is a good part where a guy shit the bed LITERALLY!  Also a baby creeping on the sealing!  I don't remember any trains really in it but maybe they was talking about trains and I didn't understand.  I learned don't do heroine from this movie.

The Humane Centipede (1st Sequince) (2009)

So I checked this out because it was supposed to be a scary movie. I start watching it and this movie is about a messed up German dude who want to make people eat poop!  I didn't even watch all of it because why does he want them to eat poop? And that ain't even scary. That ain't even a horror movie. I like sometimes movies with killings and monsters and violent scary stuff but poop eating is just gross and stupid and that is for internet videos for weirdos not for movies on movie screens and TV screens.  This movie don't even make since and I ask my doctor if it was even possible and he told me to get out of his office!

So that is all for this blogging of my movie revues by Emil!  I hope you have a good time watching these movies!  I will!

Go Movies!  Your the Best!

Together At Last

You probably know that Rex Hudler and Ken "Hawk" Harrelson have over 70 combined years of baseball experience.  But you may not know that they also have over 100 combined years of dating experience. 

That's right.  They've navigated the rocky road of first kisses, falling in love, heartbreak, reconciliations, and yes, diddling.  In fact, one could easily argue these men are more knowledgeable on the game of love than the game of baseball.  So of course, we've asked these two legendary relationship gurus to lend their talents to our little blog.

They look so dapper in their tuxedos.  Almost like that guy from that Bachelor show.  You know who I'm talking about.  Uh, Flavor Flav?

Anyway, let's open up the mailbag and see how Rex and Hawk can help.

Hey guys--

How do I tell my girlfriend I love her?

Signed--

In Love With My Girlfriend

Rex: Pilot to Bombardier!

Hawk: Cinch it up and hunker down!

Rex:  Light up that halo!

Hawk & Hud--

I think my boyfriend is using me.  How can I tell for sure?

Signed--

Used Or Just Confused?

Hawk: Get foul!

Rex: How's his oppage?

 

Dear Sex-Men--

I have a problem in bed where something happens before it should.  Get my meaning?  Uh, someone let the horse out of the stable?  Or, um, the volcano erupts before the villagers are prepared? Is that clear?  This feels pretty dirty to talk about, especially to idiot baseball announcers. 

Signed--

Never Mind

Rex: Wax your car before you go to the park! 

Hawk: Get some leather on it!

Dear Rex and Ken--

I have a crush on this girl I am friends with.  What do I do?

Signed--

Sweating in Sheboygan 

Hawk: Rack 'em up!

Rex: Get 'em on, get 'em over, get 'em in!

Hey Goofus and Gallant--

I am a 34 y/o virgin.  In fact, I have never even kissed anyone other than myself in a mirror.  I kind of don't care at this point.  Does that make me weird?

Signed--

Red Right Hand

Rex: Be patient, young Jedi!

Hawk: You got a WHOLE lot of work to do! 

Dear Hawk and Rex--

Which form of protection works the best? I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get some Friday.

Signed--

Please get back to me by Friday 

Rex: Be a fountain, not a drain!

Hawk: I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE Aflac! 

Dear Relationship Gurus--

I've been married for twenty years, but I hate my husband.  I think I've always hated my husband.  What do I do?

Signed--

Murder isn't the answer, is it? 

Rex: He got to go!

Hawk: He gone! 

Rex:  Light up that halo!

Dear Sex Talk--

Should I break down and join a dating website?

Signed--

Super Desperate

Hawk:  Put it on the board, YES!

Rex: You don't go around yelling "Yo Yo Yo!"

Hudler/Hawk--

I like this guy but I accidentally farted when we were hanging out.  Do you think he will ever talk to me again?

Signed--

So Embarrassed 

Rex: Was there cheese under it?

Hawk: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSS!

Rex:  Light up that halo!

Well, that's it for now.  We hope you've enjoyed Sex Talk with Rex & Hawk.

Go Double Entendres!  You're the Best!

AC Talks About a Page From His 1993 Kansas City Royals Yearbook

Hey. AC here. I have a 1993 Kansas City Royals yearbook. I don’t remember getting it, and I really don’t know why, after moving dozens of times since the Royals 25th Anniversary Season, this is one of the few things that always makes it through.

It’s like a security blanket I guess. There’s something comforting about opening it up and seeing those $5.00 General Admission ticket prices, CAL all over the schedule and a lack of website URLs. I suppose it’s the same feeling Ned Yost gets when he’s cleaning his hunting rifles.

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to share a little bit of this vintage publication with you from time to time. I’ll just open up to a random page and talk about it. Hence, we arrive at the title of this series of blog posts: AC Talks About A Page From His 1993 Kansas City Royals Yearbook. I can already tell you that this will be post 1 of 88 in the series.

Now, let’s get started. Here we go. I’ll just flip this beauty open and see what we have…

Curtis Wilkerson.

Dammit. I don’t even remember this guy!

Guess I’ll just go with it. Alright. Curtis Wilkerson. Says here he played 111 games for the Royals in 1992. What?! Seems like I should’ve remembered him then. What’s up with these football cleats he’s got on? He looks like he’s ready to get picked off of second base. I do like those wristbands though. He’s wearing those triangle logo wristbands that you could get by sending in two proofs of purchase of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Believe me, I got a pair.

Let’s get back to the bio.

“Curtis has played for four clubs in his nine full seasons as [sic] the big league level…owns a lifetime average of .245 but is a career .280 pinch hitter…was the only non-roster spring training invitee to make the Opening Day roster…”

First off, the ellipses are not mine, it’s written that way! Like a bulleted list in paragraph form. I don’t have my MLA Handbook around, but I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Secondly, you’ll notice a typo just twelve words in. Go Royals print media team! You’re the Best! Finally, does that brief description remind you of someone we know?!

EMIL BROWN! Curtis Wilkerson was the 1993 Emil Brown. Made the team as a non-roster invitee. Mediocre outfield journeyman. He’s black. Samesies!

Well, looks like we’re out of time. I really enjoyed our time with Curtis tonight, and I hope you did too. If anyone has some fond memories of this bumstick, feel free to continue the discussion in the comment section.

Go 1993 Royals! You’re Going to Win 83 Games!

About Me / About Our System

Hello sports fans!  My name is Eli Convict.  I'm the newest member of the Royales with Cheese family.  This is the first post in the new series:

You may not recognize my name, but I bet you would recognize my drawings.  I'm a (former) cartoonist for a (formerly) major newspaper (no longer being printed).  My art has been described as dreadful and nauseating, my political and cultural gags as obvious, pandering, and lacking awareness. But I don't care. In fact, these qualities allowed me to work steadily in the political cartoon game for decades.

As for my baseball experience, it's quite impressive.  I've played beer league softball my whole life, beginning at age 10.  I've quit the game at least seven times over the years in attempts to get sober, but I just love baseball and Miller High Life too much to stay away for long.  I'm currently the manager of my team, The East Bottoms, and we've compiled a winning record during my tenure, which shows I know what I'm doing.  I've also watched a fair amount of baseball in my life and seen all three Major League films, which can't be discounted. 
 
I was asked by the good folks at Royales with Cheese to implement a points system to help evaluate the Royals players this season. You know, weigh the value of a save or a sacrifice or a triple play in a way people can understand.  Not everyone is going to realize an outfield assist is important if you don't assign it a value.  But what if I said that play was worth ten points?  I bet you'd understand now, you big dummy.  The key with any good system is that it should rely on simple addition or subtraction.  Any system that uses fancy math like division or percentages can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned. 

Now before we get too much further, I want to make something clear.  Our system has absolutely nothing to do with that other Royals blog and its points system. Not a damn thing.

There is one huge difference between that system and ours:

Our system is not bullshit.

I repeat, our system is NOT bullshit.

Convicting the Royals is based on the groundbreaking work of Ron Popeil, who more than fifty years ago revolutionized advertising with Direct-Response Marketing.  He's famous for shilling the Chop-O-Matic™ Mr. Microphone™ and the Pocket Fisherman™  What you may not know is that Popeil also came up with a chart for determining the value of baseball players, now commonly referred to as the RonCo Stat-O-Matic System™

Unlike that other Royals blog, we have not touched this system.  It will be followed to the absolute letter.  We will not add the bullshit quality start category, nor will we fail to fully reward a batter for hitting a crucial home run to win the game if he only sees two pitches in the at-bat.  We will not choose to give a point for a stolen base, but somehow fail to take a point away for a caught stealing.  We will not "reward the little things" if those little things do not result in any tangible increased chance of winning.  We will not minimize truly important plays and players by rewarding another, less consequential play or player for "grit" or "scrappiness" or the ability to "play the game the right way."  Those are just code words used to describe guys who, for the most part, suck at baseball.

For example, let's say that with one out in the bottom of the eighth and the Royals down by two runs, Chris Getz grounds out to the right side of the infield, advancing Jeff Francoeur from second to third.  Will Getz get a point for that?  Well, it depends on if Francoeur ends up scoring.  If he does, then maybe it was okay to give up that out to advance the runner, but common sense tells us that it didn't really help the team much because Francoeur was already in scoring position and now the Royals have one less out to work with. The RonCo Stat-O-Matic System has it right: Getz will be rewarded with just 1/3 of a point for that play when it happens.  Now, here's the good part.  If Francoeur doesn't end up scoring, Getz will then lose 500 points because his ground out was much more detrimental to the team than the perceived benefit of moving a runner from second to third, especially with the team down by more than one run.  The overwhelming majority of the time, Getz making an out in a crucial situation because he can't get the ball out of the infield will result in a net total of -499 2/3 points.

That's the great thing about Ron Popeil's system.  It rewards the little things only when they actually benefit the team, and it penalizes the shit out of them when they actually hurt the team.  It doesn't put each play into a vacuum, and why should it?  What kind of dumbass system would do that?

You know what is always positive for a team?  A player getting a hit.  Even more positive?  A multi-base hit.  Better still?  A home run.  Getz hits a homer in that situation, he's gonna get a ton of RonCo Stat-O-Matic Points.  He tied the game with one swing.  That's huge.  But if he grounds out and the Royals don't score, he gets treated like a goat, just as he should.  I just don't understand why that other system would make a game-winning homer only slightly more valuable than a ground out that ultimately results in nothing more than a wasted out. It's perplexing.

And yes, bullshit.

I'm looking forward to a good season.  I hope you'll enjoy my blogging about the team this season.  The RonCo Stat-O-Matic Revolution begins in just three days!

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

Major Announcement

 Frank White has been replaced by two more Ryan Lefebvres!

Like the goddamn Invasion of the Forehead Snatchers, isn't it?

Just kidding.

Surprisingly, comparing these two guys to Ryan Lefebvre is actually an insult to Ryan Lefebvre.

I know.

Very unexpected.

Which brings us to this week's edition of Michael Tucker's OMG Moment.

OMG! Can you believe how colossally bad at talking Rex Hudler is? It's like he's never actually been on TV (or AM radio or a telephone or any device) ever in his life.  He's awkward.  He says "uhhhh" every other word.  He has a weird, forced enthusiastic tone that completely fails to jive with the monosyllabic words coming out of his food-hole.

Enthusiasm does not cover up the fact you know very little about this team or its players, or (somehow) baseball in general, Rex.  In fact, it tends to enhance how moronic your comments actually are.

Now I assume the broadcasts will become less grating as the season wears on and Rex actually learns something about the sport he's paid to describe for a living, but Good God man, tonight was a chore for viewers.

To be fair, though, amid the idiotic and breathy dipshit comments, at one point he did make an extremely profound statement that I think we all benefited from hearing:

"Fukudome is Japanese, you know."

Fukudome.

Is.

Japanese.

You know.

Anyway, so that is Hudler.

A panting, stupid mess.

Steve Physioc (whose name I prefer to write out as Fizzyock and will likely do so forevermore) wasn't actually that bad.  Sure, he wears a phony announcer voice, but at least he doesn't make dipshit comments every 1.3 seconds like Rex Hudler.

By the way, Rex, you have a dog's name.

Grow the fuck up.

Anyway, back to Fizzyock.  I actually didn't mind him.  His phony announcing voice is fine.  What kills me about him is his hilarious talent (or lack thereof) of transitioning between points of discussion and game action and running the broadcast.

"Starting lineups brought to you by Ford, whom you might remember invented the assembly line, and that's just what these Royals are doing tonight, assembling themselves into a lineup written out in Sharpie by Ned Yost whom, now that Getz has popped out to short, we'll be talking to when we come back at the top of the inning."

Seriously.

Listen to his transitions.

Sometimes decent, mostly awful and hilariously tenuous in their connections, but altogether delightful.

And I guess Rex (so God help me, I think that really is his birth name) Hudler is kind of entertaining too, though in the Roger-Corman-Troll-2-Birdemic-Shock-&-Terror-Godfather-Part-III-Showgirls-Transformers sort of way.  

So the OMG Analysis comes down to this:

Rex Hudler is awful, though perhaps an amusing trainwreck.

Steve Fizzyock is okay but makes awkward transitions.

Ryan Lefebvre tells dumb stories and lame jokes, but we're used to him.

Bob Davis has a reduced presence, thank the almighty Christ.

Frank White, for all his awkward giggling, shilling of Pepsi Max, and information about moon phases, will be missed more than I anticipated.

Denny Mathews is a legend, and sadly may not be around when this team is any good.

And there you have it.

As Michael Tucker would say, "Oh my Golly!"

Go Royals TV Announcers!  You all look alike!

We're All Cainsians Now

Remember Melky Cabrera? Me neither.

The Internet is buzzing about the Royals new center fielder, Lorenzo Cain,

and rightfully so. After a solid year in Omaha and an impressive spring, Lorenzo looks as ready for the big leagues as anyone can. Most people agree he's an upgrade in center, but I for one expect him to have a great year at the plate, too.

In any case, Lorenzo Cain isn't just a promising young ball player. He represents a shift in economic thinking for the entire franchise. It's called Cainsianism. Cainsianism is all about athleticism, the circular flow, maximizing aggregate run output and a willingness to plunge the franchise into debt in order to capture the new Wild Card spot.

Behold, Lord Cain.

Now, I know what you're thinking. The Royals have implemented a number of harebrained economic theories in the past, and they all sucked. Alright, that's fair. But trust me, this will be nothing like the Chili Davis Hypothesis, The Kevin Koslofski Balanced Growth Theory, The Seitzer-Pecota Thesis, The Terry Shumpertarian Growth Model or the unmentionable Carlos Febles Theory of Conspicuous Consumption.

Those were horrible mistakes. We need this, guys, just look at the chart:

It makes sense.

Either way, I expect the Royals blogosphere will look back on the day that Lorenzo Cain takes the field this season as THE turning point for the team. Finally we can say goodbye to the days of David Glass’s destructive saving, small ball, contact hitters like Scott Pose and managers with no sideburns like Tony Muser.

So, say it loud. Say it proud.

We're All Cainsians Now!

Get the Picture

Alex Gordon is many things.

Father.

Son.

Hitter.

Gold-glover.

Royal.

 And yes....

Photobomber.

 

Go Royals! You're the Best!