April 28, 2012

You can lead a horseface to watercolor...

While the Royals have had a rough start to the season, the promotions department seems undaunted.  

While they've had their fair share of lame giveaways already this year (anti-texting thumb bands!?), the drive to entice the upper-class intellectual set continues.  

And it appears to be working.  In the final game of the homestand on Monday, an esteemed man of letters was spotted reading in the Crown Seats behind home plate.


So what, you might be saying.  Why would the Royals even want some snooty academic at the game?  He's not watching any of the action!  

To that, I say, who cares?  He's sitting in a $240 seat!  Say what you want about the literati, but they are willing to drop dough just to be seen looking smart in public. 

And the Royals know that.

That's why, in a bold promotional move to attract the intelligentsia, they have commissioned dozens of artists to create challenging and beautiful works that will be displayed in a new wing of the stadium known as the Royal Museum of Art. The only visitors allowed entry so far have been donors of at least $5000.  They don't want Ma and Pa Kettlecorn crapping up the fine art. 

However, we here at Royales with Cheese were lucky enough to obtain some of these works and will unveil them periodically throughout the season to you, the fans of lesser pedigree.

Last month, we showed a brilliant graphite drawing of Frank White by a 16-year-old DeviantArt member. Today, though, we bring you something even more special.  A portrait of Royal fan favorite Jeff Francoeur.

The artist behind this work is Mr. Hamilton Beecham, a retired insurance adjuster from Atchison, Kansas. He typically works in watercolor and oil pastels, though he has also been known to dabble in egg tempera.  Hamilton is influenced by the neoclassical painters and dreams of seeing current subject matter juxtaposed into the academic Salon painting style.

We are now proud to present The Royale Right Fielder Francoeur, sometimes called
Francoeur as Homage to Jacques-Louis David (in miniature).


Click on the image to appreciate the fine detail.  We wish Mr. Beecham well in his lofty and worthy goal of resurrecting the glories of academic historical painting.  This is surely an esteemed and welcomed addition to the Royals Museum of Art.

Go Royals!  You're Exceptionally Gifted!

April 27, 2012

Anthology of Abominations

This weekend, we shall witness a battle for the ages.  The resplendent Royals (5-14) head to Minneapolis to take on the tremendous Twins (5-14).

We'll get to spend our Friday night switching back and forth between the NFL draft (yeah right) and the scintillating matchup of Everett Teaford vs. Carl Pavano (squeal!). 

We're firmly in the Royals camp, obviously.  But imagine what this rivalry means to the folks of Ames, IA. They are halfway between Kansas City and Minneapolis.  How do they decide which team to support?

I'm not sure there's a harder decision out there than choosing between two 5-14 baseball teams.  I mean, either way, you're stuck rooting for a huge pile of shit.

You know what?

I take that back.

I can think of ten choices that I would find equally as shitty: 


CREED    OR    NICKELBACK?




 JACK AND JILL     OR    THE LOVE GURU?




 KEANU REEVES    OR    CHRIS KLEIN?

  

 JAR JAR BINKS    OR    ANAKIN SKYWALKER?




 KATHY GRIFFIN    OR     CARROT TOP?




REX RYAN   OR   ROB RYAN?




ANDREW JOHNSON   OR   WARREN G. HARDING?



 SCRAPPY DOO   OR   SCREECH POWERS?



LOST LAKE   OR   CLEAR CREEK?



 LAME VAMPIRES   OR   WAXED WEREWOLVES?

(shudder)

So which way do the Ames folks go?  Unfortunately, I think most of them are dipshit Cubs fans.  

Go Royals!  You're Better Than Everything Pictured Above!

It's a bird, it's a plane . . .

Looks like there's only one thing that can distract Kansas City sports fans from the Royals suckitude and cause their already tenuous hope for KC success to be stretched even further. . .


April 26, 2012

I Can Show You The South Side

A recent study by the Smell and Taste Research Foundation of Chicago recently revealed an unlikely booster to performance for baseball players.  Using the hated White Sox as guinea pigs, the study showed that jasmine flowers, sniffed before an at bat, improved the batter's performance.

Now I'm usually against animal testing, but for the Sox I could make an exception. . . .



Seriously, many of you would say that smelling anything other than the usual stenches of US Cellular would be bound to help anyone play better, but I think it certainly can't hurt the Royals to try some homeopathic PEDs.  In fact, I think a little bit of Jasmine could really help the Royals. . .

For my first wish . . A real baseball team.




















I Can Show You  . . . .How Not to Suck.

Go Royals, You're the Best!

April 24, 2012

Paranoid

Five games into this season, the Royals were cruising. They had taken two of three from the Angels. They were on the verge of sweeping the Athletics. They would come back from the opening road trip 4-2, ready to take on the lowly Indians.

But fate had something else in store for the Royals.

On April 11, a day which will surely live on in infamy in Poor Pichardo's Almanack, KC was up 4-3 in the 12th inning at the Oakland Coliseum. Jonathan Broxton, he of the 54-inch waist, was brought in to mow down the A's and seal the victory.

As you recall, things unraveled quickly.

Alcides Escobar booted a routine grounder. Broxton walked a guy. Then he walked another guy. Then there was an RBI groundout. Then Broxton hit a guy. And then, with the bases loaded in a tie game, he hit another guy.

The game was over. Two runs had scored, and the ball never left the infield.

It was weird. People commented on how weird it was. It was, in fact, only the second time in history a game had ended with back-to-back HBP.

People blamed Broxton. They blamed Yost. They blamed Escobar.

But all those people are wrong.

We've figured it out. We know what wrought all of this. The person to blame for this game, and yes, the following ten-straight losses on the Royals homestand, is none other than Jeff Francoeur.

He did something so wrong, so inexcusable, so unforgivable, that it has doomed the Royals' entire season.

He bought twenty pizzas for Oakland A's fans.
 
The media ate it up. Joel Goldberg told viewers about it during the game. The Kansas City Star ran the story. Yahoo Sports even picked it up. It was another signifier, the media argued, of what a nice guy Jeff Francoeur is.

However, they missed the real story here. What Frenchy really did was anger the baseball gods.



This isn't a story about sportsmanship or integrity or innate goodness. It's a story about a player who made overtures to the enemy. About a player who bonded with the fans of an opposing team. About a player who sacrificed the good of his team and his team's fans for another. And he unknowingly did it with the deadliest weapon of all:

Pizza.

You see, in 1986, Domino's Pizza introduced a much-despised new mascot called The Noid. This character frequently showed up in Domino's commercials as an evil-doer bent on stopping pizza from being delivered in under thirty minutes. The Noid was so popular that he even starred in his own Nintendo game, "Yo! Noid."

It is no coincidence that ever since The Noid came into being, the Royals haven't so much as smelled the playoffs. His creation was following, of course, their 1985 World Series victory.

And thus was born the Curse of the Noid. The legend goes that just as the Noid stopped stoned pizza delivery boys from delivering the goods in thirty minutes, so too will the Noid stifle the Royals' playoff hopes for thirty years.

Don't believe me? The proof is undeniable.

Ever since the Noid came into being, the Royals have been the laughingstock of baseball. The Noid is responsible for Dick Howser's death, Bo Jackson's hip injury, David Cone being traded away twice, black jerseys, Mike Sweeney's back problems, four 100-loss seasons, and Ken Harvey.



This season started off promisingly enough. But Francoeur, nice guy that he is, failed to realize that sending twenty pizzas to the Oakland A's fans would reignite this 26-year-old curse.

Immediately, the impact was felt: the Broxton blown save, the Hochevar Opening Day implosion, Alex Gordon striking out with the bases loaded to end a game, Ned Yost becoming obsessed with bunting, and yes, the Royals going 0 for the month of April at Kauffman Stadium.

These things are all because of that goddamn Noid.

And I don't think there's any way to stop it. Perhaps the legend will hold true and the Royals will make the playoffs in 2016.

Until then, may God have mercy on us all.

Go Royals! You're Cursed!
 
 

April 22, 2012

Fishing with Rex


It's been a long week, so let's check out the (not so) funny pages and see what Rex Hudler, M.D. is up to!  When we last saw Hudler, he and Chris Getz were talking about ladies and fishing.  Boring, right?  But there was this evil guy in the shadows plotting to get Rex, so maybe something interesting has happened in the interim.

Let's pick up the action, one week and seven strips later:

(Click to embiggen, of course)

So, basically nothing has happened in a week.

So, nothing is different between this comic strip and the Royals current homestand.

So this is why newspapers are dying.  So this is why Royals fans are dying.

So.... 

I got nothing.

Maybe that evil blogger will get off his fat ass and do something.

Yeah, I'm writing about myself in the third person now.

Go Royals! Go far, far away!

April 20, 2012

Eight is Enough

Alright, Royals.  We get it.  Enough is enough.

We were taking you for granted.  We enjoyed last year a lot.  We complimented you frequently.  We surprised you with gifts.  We stole kisses.  We felt you up.  You gave us a hand jibber in the porta-potty after a walk-off win.  It was hot.

We told our friends that you might be "the one."

Not only were you "the one," but you were the only one.

Then something happened over the offseason.  Suddenly things were different.

Maybe we took you for granted.  We assumed everything was good.

But things really weren't.  You were young.  You were naive.  

And so were we.

Yes, you were hot.  The youngest team in baseball.  You were getting the All-Star Game.  You were filming commercials telling us it was "our time."

And we bought it.

Because if we believed you, the world seemed like a little better place.  It got us through the football season.

But we didn't really get it.  The truth.  The truth was that you really weren't ready.  We thought you were, but you weren't.

You were lying to us.  You were stroking our egos as longtime fans.  Stringing us along.


 Again, we can't blame you for this entirely, but you played up the hype.  Maybe you didn't mean to, maybe you were just pressuring yourself.  Either way, you were screwing with our heads.

You slut.

I mean, really.  What do you have to offer?  You're attractive.  You're young.  But that's not enough to carry a relationship.  

Where's the character?  The personality?  The emotional maturity?  The intellect?  The wisdom? The drive?  

You really have nothing to offer.

Nothing.

Not a goddamn thing.

Youth is a delicate product and it will fade away quickly.  Just as it has done in the past.

Just as it will in the future.

You're incomplete.

Woefully incomplete.

That's clear.  

And we're too old for these games.  We've been through this shit over and over for almost thirty years.

And this is just too much for us to process at this point in our lives.

Call us when you win a game, baby.

Call us when you grow up.

Go Royals!  Maybe we can be friends!

April 19, 2012

L7 Weenies

The Royals lose again. That's seven straight. A shameful L7 in the streak column. But you already know that.

Even Kansas City's youth have given up and begun mocking the team.

Royals L7

It's okay, Michael "Squints" Palledorous, they deserve it. The season's over. Just give up.

Keep reading the blog, though.

Blow me, Royals! You suck!

Time for your Yearly Psych Eval-Introducing Pavlov's Dawg


JR’s not in a good place right now and by not in a good place I mean drunk on 40s of malt liquor lying face down in a drainage ditch with a beard longer than Ted Kaczynski’s.

 

AC is not much better, spending most of his time doing bicep curls in front of a mirror.  His wife Jessie’s back on diet pills.  Such is the life of the Royals fan; brutal, constant and unkind.   At least that’s what we’ve been led to think.



See all this depression is not sitting well with the Royales With Cheese ownership.

The margins for operating a site like RWC are already tight and the writers’ swoon is not helping.  So, the powers that be have hired me, P.D to right the ship.  

(not me)

First, a little about me. . .  I have degrees in parapsychology and psychology from Columbia University.  I spent a great deal of time studying the effects of negative reinforcement on extra sensory perception and wrote a lengthy thesis on the topic.

 Later I went into the private sector where I’ve seen a great many hard cases.  Yet in all my time I’ve never seen cases so hard as those of the lifelong Royals fan.

When I got JR and AC away from the Cobra 40s long enough for their eval I got the usual lines:

“These Royals were supposed to be good.”

“They have a fine young ballclub.”

“This is their time!”

Intermixed with bemoanings over the state of baseball.

“If we had as much money as the Yankees things would be better.”

However, I soon came to realize that these statements were all manifest symptoms of the true problem.  Royals fans are engaged in a codependent relationship with the team and exhibit the symptoms of passive dependent personality disorders.

Let me break it down.

There are five patterns consistent in Codependent relationships.  They are Denial,  Compliance, Control , Low Self Esteem, and Avoidance.  Let’s start with an easy one.

1. Denial

 AC and JR each exhibit perfect examples of denial patterns.  They constantly state that the Royals have “a fine young ballclub” and that “it’s early in the season they’ll turn it around.”  While this may be a fine coping strategy in relationships with other sports teams, I had to present them with the cold hard facts to break through their insanity.  In 2010, the Royals started 9-14 and their final record was 67-95.  In 2008 they were 12-15; final record, 75-87.  In fact, there are examples of this team utterly failing to turn it around dating back to 1992.  Ah 1992 the year the Royals started 3-19.  They finished that season 72-90.  The reality is the Royals do not turn it around as the season wears on.  They may win a few games in a row keeping hope up that they are on the verge of breaking through.  They are not.  They are a horrible, no good, very bad team and that’s the long and the short of it.

However, there are those out there who say, “P.D., they have a great young core! They will be ok!”    Like this guy:


 


And this guy:


 


And this guy:
 


Seriously?

But what is a core without guys like:

 

Or this:


 

Or even this:

 



In fact, is there a single pitcher on this team that if they were on any other team in baseball we wouldn’t be making fun of the poor hapless suckers who signed him?

Our history is littered with these losers:


No pitching=No wins

(and those hitters aren't too hot either)

The bottom line is simple:

This team is terrible.  This team will be terrible.  This team is the worst.  Step One to overcoming denial.

Deal with it.

Say it with me. . .

GO ROYALS.  YOU’RE THE WORST.



Next Pattern - - - -Compliance

April 18, 2012

These Points Go To Game 11.


Hello sports fans!  Eli Convict here to tell you how you should be watching and evaluating the game! This is Convicting the Royals:




I've always said ten games into the season is the perfect time to stop, look around, take a deep breath, and place arbitrary point values on players.  Unfortunately, the Royals played their tenth game on Monday, but Mr. Convict got a little too, well, let's call it, "drinky," following the loss against Justin Verlander.  Unfortunately for you loyal readers (and for my AA sponsor), I didn't really sober back up until today. 

In any case, here are the RonCo Stat-O-Matic point totals eleven games in, with the Royals sitting at 3-8 at the bottom of the AL Central:



One bonus of the Ron Popeil Stat System Totals Board is that you can print out a few copies, cut them into pieces, and play a game of Guess Who? with your buddies.

Anywho, I won't go through each player's point total, as I imagine you can glean quite a lot from this.  

However, some quick hits:

Billy Butler = 37 Points - Looks to be the token Royal All-Star at this point, as he leads the league in several categories, including Bubble-Yum consumption.

Rex Hudler = 14 Points - He loves the game, he's enthusiastic, he smokes reefer, he's a ginger, he's monosyllabic, and yet the fans still don't like him.  Sorry folks, the RonCo system loves all of those intangibles.  Keep the good stuff coming, Rex!

Boulevard Beer = .13 BAC - This is what you'll need to enjoy Royals baseball this year.  Make sure to get a designated driver, folks!

Tim Scott = 3 Points - This douchebag got fired by the Royals this offseason, which actually earned him 25 points in the Stat-o-Matic System.  Unfortunately, he's working in Dinner Theatre right now, which costs him 22 points.

Bruce Chen = 2 Points -  As we all know, wins are the best way to determine how good a pitcher is, so Bruce is a huge disappointment so far despite pitching very well.

Sluggerrr = 0 Points - He earned 10 points for his birthday, but he started the season with -10 points because it's been over two years since he hit someone in the face with a hot dog. 

Alex Gordon =  - 27 Points - Listen, he really hasn't been that bad this year.  Sure, his average is low and he was the goat in the Verlander game, but he's been as good as ever in left field.  Unfortunately, the RonCo Stat-o-Matic system takes into account the number of negative calls about a player on sports talk radio, and Gordon has had the lion's share.

Luke Hochevar =  - 56 points -  He's only really had one bad inning this year, but it was Opening Day at the K, so we hate his guts.

Mustard =  - 83 points - Mustard is fucking gross!

Jonathan Sanchez = - 127 points - He hit Chin Two-Shoes which started some shit against the Indians, so the RonCo System loves him for that.  Of course, he's also been a bad pitcher so far this year, so it hates him for that.  Unless he hits a lot more guys, he's gonna be in the red for a long time this year.

Garth Brooks = - 256 points - "Friends in Low Places" as the Royals' anthem does nothing but reinforce the Bad News Bears aura surrounding the team.  How about some "Thunderstruck"?  Or that Karate Kid song "You're the Best"?  Hell, use "Stuck in the Middle With You" and see if the Royals can get to .500.

11 Game Total Score for the Kansas City "Our Time" Royals = - 1056 Points

There you go, folks.  We hope you enjoyed this edition of Convicting the Royals. Don't you feel like you have a much better perspective on the team now?  Or at least a better excuse for your drinking?  I know I do!

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

April 16, 2012

Slidin' Dirty

Attention all little leaguers, coaches and dirt enthusiasts. I have an exciting product announcement. As everyone knows, the basepaths are one of the most difficult areas of the baseball diamond to master. It's important to be safe and smart. Fortunately, The Skills and Drills DVD series has partnered with Royals second baseman Chris Getz to bring you the latest in baseball sliding instruction.

Look for this at your local Sam Goody early next week.




some_text

some_text

Including the instant classics shown above, this DVD demonstrates all the slides necessary to help make you a below average middle-infielder.

You Will Learn:

The Flop on Your Belly Like a Fucking Otter
The Worm Burner
The Sidewinder
The Spike
The Ass-Over-Teakettle
The Crocodile Mile
The Alaskan Pipeline

and more!

Try My Product

Go Getzy! You're the Best!

April 15, 2012

Punched In The Gut

Rex Hudler said it best when he summed up the weekend during today's broadcast, suggesting that Royals fans will feel they had been "punched in the gut" after witnessing a three game sweep at the hands of the Cleveland Indians. The Royals gave up 32 runs to one of the worst offenses in baseball. Mitch Maier pitched. Again.


I feel bad for Rex. Every night he says the key to the game is to avoid the big inning, but the Royals don't listen! He's forced to hide his frustration by explaining the purpose of the warning track and remarking that the Negro Leagues Museum is better than the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY.

But, there is an even bigger problem here. Indians reliever Chris Perez tweeted on Saturday night that it is not, in fact, Our Time. It's Tribe Time.


How can this be? It can't be Our Time and Tribe Time at the same time, can it? It certainly feels more like Tribe Time at the moment. So that would mean it's not Our Time at all. Right?

Meanwhile, to complicate matters even more, little Mikey Walsh in Astoria, Oregon believes it's HIS time.

I don't know what the Royals think about all this, but it's clear that simply saying "Our Time" isn't enough -- even if you get George Brett to say it on camera. They'll need more than an unoriginal slogan to beat Cecil Fielder and the Detroit Tigers this week. Here's hoping the boys in blue can bounce back.

Go Royals! You're The Best! (But not this weekend)

April 14, 2012

A Sunday Comic Sans Comic Sans


Rex Hudler has certainly made an impression on Royals fans in his short time as the team's TV color commentator. There has been a lot of bitching and moaning online about his ridiculous over-the-top enthusiasm, his belief that Royals fans have never watched a baseball game and need everything explained to them, his over-reliance on hackneyed catch phrases, and the fact that his voice sounds like Spicoli and Ted Theodore Logan had a baby and then peed on it.

Despite all the hate (and we're certainly guilty of joining in, too, in case you skipped the previous sentence), you have to admit that Rex is at least a decent guy who is trying.  Perhaps he's trying much too hard, but should we really fault him for that?  

In fact, with all the mockery, we're missing the positives of Rex Hudler.  

For one, all the complaining about him has helped to minimize the complaining about the abysmal performance of the team over the last several games.  Jonathan Broxton, Jarrod Dyson, Luke Hochevar, and Ned Yost are all very thankful for the Hud.

Secondly, I think he has proven to be a nice foil for Ryan Lefebvre.  Ryan has scaled back immensely on his dumb jokes and stories so far this year, likely because everything he says is no longer met with a nervous giggle by Frank White.  Or maybe it's just that Rex hardly ever lets Ryan talk. In any case, Lefebvre seems downright competent now, which is pretty encouraging.

Lastly, the truth is that anything that gets people talking about the Royals is a good thing.  Without Rex's misguided food analogies to describe the game, we might already be talking about Chiefs training camp.   

So the following new series is not meant to rip on Rex, but rather to celebrate him. Royales with Cheese is proud to present the highest honor possible to Rex Hudler: a comic strip based on his life.  

Because this is the first time we've run the strip, we'll fill you in on the back story.  

Rex Hudler, M.D. focuses on the adventures and misadventures of a former utility player/medical practitioner named Rex Hudler. In the following installment, we join Rex and Chris Getz on a fishing trip.  

A fishing trip called life.

Please to enjoy:

(click to embiggen)

Sage wisdom from Rex Hudler, M.D.  I don't know about you, but I don't like the looks of that evil Royals blogger in the last panel.  Let's keep our fingers crossed that Rex and Getz's fishing trip isn't disturbed.

We hope you enjoyed this first installment of Rex Hudler, M.D.  Mostly because we've already made about a dozen of these strips and they will likely get posted no matter what the response. 

Go Royals!  You're a soap-opera comic!

April 13, 2012

Hit him early and hit him often!


Thirty minutes until game time!  

I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared!


Let's throw Derek Lowe a funeral party.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

April 12, 2012

Twelfth Night

Once again, it is time to crack open Poor Pichardo's Almanack to see what this date means in Royals history.


Beginning in 1992, Poor Pichardo's Almanack became the preeminent source for all things Royal, and no fan should be without a copy. You can find this for under six bucks (plus shipping) on most reputable retail and auction sites, though be aware the native Spanish has been translated to a hybrid of Old and Middle English in some sort of confused appeal to Chaucer fanatics. It's still a fine publication and we heartily recommend you order a copy, but be sure to keep a thesaurus handy.

And now, here is the entry for April 12th:

 
Damn, that was a good time to be a Royals fan.  Maybe we'll see some of the same charmed luck that befell that squad tomorrow at the K.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...