Road Warriors

Well, the Royals are back on the road tonight. This can only mean one thing. They are more than likely going to win a ballgame. 

And of course, they did, shutting out the New York Yankees 6-0, and improving their road record to 12-7 on the season. The Royals love the road. They love it even more than Lincoln Hawk. 

But really, why have the Royals been so successful on the road this year?

How the hell should I know? I just wanted to make these graphics.

Thank you for your time.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Rex Mudler, H.D.

It's been a couple of weeks, so we better check in once again with Rex Hudler, M.D. and his boy genius, Chris Getz.  When last we joined them, Rex was patching up the evil blogger's bullet wound and it looked like shit was about to get real.

We now join them thirteen strips later.

(click to embiggen)

It looks like Rex and Chris managed to escape from the cabin of the evil blogger somehow, but things have taken a turn for the ridiculous. Getz is proving to be much braver than the good doctor, who has turned tail and run when it matters most-- a devastating revelation for fans of the strip.  Unfortunately, the final panel seems to indicate a farcical series of misunderstandings are about to turn the tight scripting of Rex Hudler, M.D. into a bad episode of Frasier.

Go Ahead, Getzy!  You're the Best!

Range War

This is the first sweep post in 2012 and it's an unexpected one.

For the first time since 1977-- yes, 1977, the year Kanye West was born, the year Smokey and the Bandit came out, the year punk exploded, the year Sanford and Son was canceled, the year Groucho Marx died, yes, that 1977-- the Kansas City Royals have swept a two-game series of the Rangers in Texas.

TWO GAMES!  DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!

FIRST TIME SINCE '77!

I know this stat because Steve Fizzyock told me at least eight times during the game tonight.

Also, fun fact: Rex Hudler did not know the song "Deep in the Heart of Texas" existed before tonight. Or he did, I guess, but didn't realize there were words to it?

Yeah.

So that's weird.

Anyway, we here at Royales with Cheese have been known to post an image to commemorate Royals sweeps that have occurred over the last few years, which only adds up to about four or five total.

So that's depressing.

Yeah.

But nonetheless, here we go!

Too on the nose?

Who cares?!

The Royals swept the Rangers!  The Royals swept the Rangers!

Screw you, Cordell Walker!

SCREW!  

YOU!  

WALKER!

Bring on the Orioles and their cartoon bird hats!

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

Emil is Rounding Up Summertime Movies For You Part #2

Here is part #2 of my movie prevues for this summer.  Go read part one of this if you ain't yet!

I seen so many good movies so fart his summer.  It was The 3 Stooges and The Band of Pirate Misfits and The Titanic in 3D on Ice!  That title is just me joking because the HMO Titanic crashed into ice and the kid from What is Eating Gilbert Grapes dies on ice water!

I also seen The Avengors Movie. Every person seem to love The Avengors Movie but I thought it had to much talking in it and not to much fighting in it which I find disappoint.  I also wish Scarlet Jo Hanson would have not had such bright red hair in it cuz she look like Raggedy Andy with boobs! And I like the superheros in it but it should have also been Warmachine and Natalie Portnam and Wolverine and Dare Devil and Green Hornet and all them other guys also.  It was still a awesome movie but I don't love it like every person seem to. 

Anyways, I hope that you are enjoying movies this summer!  It is getting hotter so that mean there are more coming all the time.  I have for you today more summer movies to talk about so you will know both what is gone be good and what is gone be bad in them.  Let's get crackling!

Here are more movies coming out soon--

The Moon Rise Kingdom (May 25)
The Good: This movie is about two kids who fall in love in the summer time and they run away together and that is something all of us can relate about.  Bill Murray is in it and that dude is real funny!

The Bads: Two Things are bad.  One is that Bruce Willis is in it but he is wearing glasses so I bet he won't be doing much killings of bad guys.  Two is this movie is in the 1960s so it may got hippies in it!



The High School (June 1)
The Good: This kid smokes the chronic but their gone be a drug test and he could lost his scholarship to college because of his pee has weed in it. So he and his friend decide to get all of the school to get high through selling them pot brownies in the bake sale! It looks like it will be real funny, specially if you smoke a blunt first!

The Bads: This movie was made two years ago but is just now going to be in movie theaters so I wonder if it really sucks.  Also, for any kids who can read this you should not smoke the chronic unless you live in some place where it is legal!



Magadascar 3 D: Europe Most Wanted (June 8)
The Good: Chris Rock is so funny in these movies! They were in Africa last time but in the third one of the Madagascar triology the animals are in Europe.  They are on the run from the French cops so they join a circus! 

The BAD: I hate to say this but I want their to be more movies that are new and not just the same movies I already seen but in new places! Also, these penguins in these movies are not as cute as the Happy Feet penguins. 



The Promothus (June 8)
The Goods: This is a prequil to Alien and that is one of my favorite scarry movies of all times!  I'm super pumped for watching people in space get smoked by them wet leather monsters and hopefully their will be at least one part where a alien bust out of somebody's chest!

The Bad: No Ripley and no Predators in this and the trailer don't even show no aliens. But I still think it gone be real scary and dope!



The Rock of the Ages (June 15)
The Good:  Musicals can be good, like The Rocky Whore Pitcher Show. Tom Cruise can be good, like The Days of Thunder.  But put them in one movie?  People who like the American Idle show will like it, but they think everthing should be karoke and I don't!

The Bad: This look so bad.  All the music is from awful hair bands like Deaf Lepperd, Poison, REM Speedwagon, White Snakes, The Journey, and Eddie's Money.  That music was bad back then, dummies!  And "The Rock of the Ages" was a hymn, so this shit so blasphamy it make me sick to myself that its titled this. Get a clue, Holly Weird! 



That Is My Boy (June 15)
This is Good: Adam Sandler just played himself and his sister in this other movie but that one was real bad.  Now he playing himself and his own son in this movie which to me looks better!  I bet he will learn to be a good dad and that family is more important than money and we will laugh at his drunk yelling!

The Bad:  There is a very tabboo subject matter in this because Adam Sandler knocks up his teacher when he is a kid.  That is one of the worse crimes there is so it may offend a lot of people.  Also, Vanilla Ice and Rex Ryan are in this and that is stupid.



The Brave One (June 22)
The Good: This another cartoon movie but this one got a girl as the main carachter so that's new!  It is in Scottland back in the day and this girl is braver than the boys but she open up a Pandormus box of beasts and has to be even braver than she was to stop it and get her clan back toghether.

The Bad:  How come there are no dragons in this like in the last Scottish cartoon movie? The dragons were cute and looked like cats!



Looking for Friends at the End of the World (June 22)
The Good: Steve Carroll and a younger chick go driving acrossed the country becuase a meteor is gone kill every one and they want to have fun before death happens.  It look funny with people being crazy and doing drugs and having good times because who cares with the world ending?

This Bad:  We all know how this gone end with everyone dieing at the end of the movie! That is pretty sad so I'm not sure if I want to see it because I like movies where death is funny or its scary or bad guys that die, but not when it is Steve Carroll because I love The 40 Year Virgin!



Abraham Lincoln, the Vampire Slayer (June 22) 
The GOOD:  This is the true story of how before Honest Abe had a beard a vampire killed his mom in the log cabin!  So he grew up and use a axe to kill the vampires. 

The Bad: It sounds like it would be funny but its not a comedy I don't think.  Maybe there will be some jokes in it though, like how he got his snowman hat and facial wart and stuff like that!



Well that is it for part two of the movies coming out.  I am happy to let you know I found out there will be Dorfs in the Snow White movie so we can all stop freaking out about there being no dorfs in it.  I still hoping they sing "Hi Ho!"

See you with part three soon!

Go Movies!  Your the Best!

Better Know a Bumstick: Doug Davis

On Saturday, the Royals signed veteran southpaw/warm body Doug Davis to a minor-league contract.  He'll be assigned to Omaha until Jonathan Sanchez's inevitable release or Danny Duffy's inevitable Tommy John surgery.  

You probably recognize Doug's name.  He's pitched for five teams over his thirteen years in the majors, most recently for the Chicago Cubs for an inglorious six weeks last year.  He ended his brief tenure there with a 1-7 record and a 6.50 ERA.  When you can't even hang on with the Cubs, you know you're in trouble.  Of course, shit always rolls downhill, so Davis found that his last hope of salvaging his baseball career was with our beloved Royals.

Since we'll likely be seeing him pitching in Kansas City soon, we now present the Doug Davis edition of our series Better Know a Bumstick.

Here are eight things you NEED to know about Doug Davis:

1) He pitched under Ned Yost in the Brewers organization from 2004-2006.  No word yet on if they are hunting buddies.

2) Doug Davis is superstitious as hell.  He takes a nap in the clubhouse before every start. He never steps on the baseline and has been known to hop over it.  His favorite number is 7 and he usually tries to wear a number that is divisible by 7.  Lastly, and most disturbing of all, he eats tuna fish before every start. 

 Lock up your tuna, KC.

3) Doug Davis loves to play cribbage.  Yep.  Cribbage.

4) Randy Johnson only hit one home run in his twenty-two year career.  It was off Doug Davis.

5) Davis is one of baseball's slowest working and most boring pitchers.  He walks guys like crazy.  He gets hit like crazy.  He has a slow, exaggerated wind-up. He takes forever between pitches. He throws 65-71 mph curves, 77-81 mph cutters, and his fastball tops out at 84 mph.  Basically, he's an older, crappier Bruce Chen.

6) Doug Davis may have the worst facial hair in the history of the universe.  The hair below his mouth looks like the hair above the vagina of a mid-90s Playmate.

Doug "Landing Strip" Davis

7) Despite being thoroughly mediocre throughout his career, he's managed to rake in over $32 million.

8) Lastly, and most importantly, Davis beat thyroid cancer.  That's worth 4000 Polk Points and shoots him to the top of Lee Judge's board.

That's it for this edition of Better Know a Bumstick.  Welcome to the Royals, Pubeface.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

A Salute To Mom

Hello, sports fans! It’s Mother’s Day, and I’d like to celebrate by dedicating a post to my mother.

I have her to thank (or blame) for my Kan City Royals fanaticism, and I would like to share some of my favorite things about her.

No matter what the Royals slogan is for a particular season (You Gotta Love These Guys, This…Is Hardball, Our Time), Mom always thinks it’s “A Major League Attraction.” This slogan was last used in 1988.

When the Royals introduced their new grey on-field road caps in the mid-nineties, Mom drove me to every department store in a 20-mile radius to ensure I got one for my birthday.

She did not question me when one summer I decided I wanted to be a Seattle Mariners fan.

On the rare occasion she visits Kauffman stadium, she insists on starting a chant for “A-O.” That is, Amos Otis.

She once stood in line at a Bannister Mall jewelry store for two hours with my brother and I so that we could meet Frank White.  

As a teen, arriving home after a Royals game was always a predictable occasion. Mom always asked the same two questions as soon as I opened the door. 1) Did the Royals win? 2) Did you get on the Megatron?*

Of course, in almost every case, the answer to both questions was no.

Since leaving for college, and to this day, Mom’s care packages have always contained whatever Royals item was 75% off in the Hy-Vee general merchandise aisle that week. Will it be a t-shirt? A keychain? A Joe Randa framed card plaque? You just didn’t know.

So this one goes out to you, Mom, and all the Mothers out there.

Happy Mother’s Day!

(this is not my Mom)

Go Moms! You’re the Best! 

* What she obviously means by Megatron is Jumbotron, but there’s more to it than that. You see, Mom suffers from what the doctors call Tronambiguation. To her, the stadium video board is the Megatron. The defunct Worlds of Fun ride is the Jumbotron. The Detroit Lions wide receiver is Omegatron and the Transformers character is Calvin Johnson. There is no telling a tronambiguate otherwise.

Natural Resources

Forget about the Royals for a moment. I know they've done okay as of late.  A split with the Yankees and two of three from the Red Sox sure sounds good.  

But forget it. As Vin Mazzaro would say, "Fuhgettaboutit."

Get it?

Ryan Lefebvre sure does!

As Ryan would say, "That's a spicy uh-meatball-uh!"

Anyway.

There is something more important going on down in the minors.

Let's take a little trip down Arkansas way, shall we?

I'm not talking about the Shiloh Museum of Ozark History, though the permanent exhibit entitled "Poultry in Motion" sure gives me a pun boner.

No, I'm talking about baseball history.

BASEBALL-FLIPPING-HISTORY.

 

The Northwest Arkansas Naturals A/K/A the NWARKNats A/K/A the Springdale Thunder Chickens A/K/A Poultry in Motion A/K/A.... uh, Omaha South (?) no-hit the Springfield Cardinals.

NO-FLIPPING-HIT THE CARDS.

It's even more impressive when you realize it wasn't just one dude dealing.

No.  It took no less four Naturals pitchers to stymie Springfield.

But that did it.

And for that, we should be proud.

The Lincoln-bearded Greg Holland struck out the side in the first, then got pulled in the second in a rehab shart.  Chris Dwyer went six and two-thirds, walking two and beaning one.  Brendan Lafferty and Kendal Volz combined for the last two perfect innings.

It was amazing.

To do that kind of shit, you got to be like Marlon Brando. You got to be Naturalistic. You got to be Naturalistic as hell.

The above photo is not from tonight's game.  Rather, it is a dramatization from the hit Animal Planet television series Finding Bigfoot.  Now, I know that it looks like a Squatch wearing bike shorts is about to molest a child, but it's actually James "Bobo" Fay playing the part of Strike, the Naturals mascot, and actress Elle Fanning in a fat suit playing the part of the fleeing child.

RECREATED-BASEBALL-FLIPPING-HISTORY.

 While I know the Royals' recent stretch of not shitting themselves at home has been a pleasant surprise, it's merely prelude to what can, NAY, what shall be.  These minor league triumphs over other minor league failures will soon be occurring at the major league level.

  And as long as Ned Yost is the manager, the above scenario is well worth embracing.  After all, four pitchers combining for a no-hitter is a Ned Yost wet/fever/wet-fever dream.

Especially if James "Bobo" Fay and a Squatch costume are involved.

Go Naturals!  You're the Best!

It's-a me, Gio

Hello, sports fans! It's been a busy 24 hours for our boys in blue. The Kan City Royals front office has been working hard, making laughable roster moves for the rest of the league's enjoyment. Manager Ned Yost was already on pace to set the major league record for most unique asinine lineups in a season, but recent activity has given the skipper even more options to lose games in hilarious, yet still quite embarrassing fashion.

Jonathan Sanchez was placed on the DL with bicep tendinitis (Read: We don't want you to make your next two starts because you suck, but we are paying you too much money to bench you). Tommy Hottovy was sent back to Omaha. The result of these two moves is the arrival of two familiar faces. Johnny Giavotella and Vin Mazzaro.

While we know these characters to be bumsticks, one group of Royals fans couldn't be happier.

The Italian-Americans

Heck, even the Italian-Italians are excited.

I for one welcome the enthusiasm. The K will instantly be louder and hopefully these guys will kick the shit out of the clowns in the Frenchy Quarter.

    

Andiamos Reales! Boppity boopity!

Dr. Hudler, I presume?

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since we checked in on Rex Hudler, M.D.  Last we saw, he and Chris Getz were still just fishing, but there was that evil blogger plotting to get him.

Let's check in two weeks and fourteen strips later:

(click to embiggen)

Man, it looks like we missed some action.  Somehow, the evil blogger got shot, and now he and his lady friend are forcing Rex to patch him up.  But it looks like the good doctor and his boy genius might have other ideas...

Go Royals!  Rex Doesn't Like That!

Toss Your Cookies

On April 30, 2002, Tony Muser was fired as manager of the Kansas City Royals.  However, the groundwork for his release was laid almost a year earlier, on May 3, 2001.

You see, that was the one and only day in Muser's four-plus years as Royals manager that he showed any sort of personality.  After losing a third straight game at home to Cleveland, which also dropped KC to 10-18 overall, Muser went off script in the post-game press conference.

"Chewing cookies, drinking milk, and praying isn't going to get it done," he said. "It's going to take a lot of hard work and some mindset." 

He continued, "I'd like them to go out and pound tequila rather than have cookies and milk." 

 The comment started a shit-storm in Kansas City.  The remark was considered by many to be an attack on some of the more religious players on the roster, specifically Mike Sweeney and Smilin' Joe Randa.  The Royals front office fielded numerous angry calls, as did the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, I guess because they are across the street from Kauffman Stadium.

The next day, Muser retracted his comments, saying, "I probably should have used cod-liver oil instead of tequila... I apologize as a man."  He also made a joke about how he himself prays every night in the ninth inning when Roberto Hernandez is trying to close out a win.  That comment, oddly, did not result in any backlash.

Milk-And-Cookie-Gate remained a pretty big story for about a week. In fact, Tony Muser's disembodied head got a Jose Cuervo endorsement deal out of the kerfuffle, and Mike Sweeney proselytized to kids alongside Cookie Monster in an American Dairy Farmers ad. It turned out to be a win-win.

And things pretty much went back to normal after that.  That is to say, the Royals continued losing, and after awhile, pretty much everyone forgot about Muser's comments and resumed ignoring the team.

Of course, we at Royales with Cheese cannot let an anniversary like this go by without some shitty photoshopping (see above!) and another peek into Poor Pichardo's Almanack (see below!).

Let's do this.

Go Tequila!  You're the Best!

Emil's 2012 Summer Movies Prevues Part One!

Hello, Cheesey Royal Fans!  It is summer time and you know what that means?  That means summer time movies!  This summer is no different form any other summer.

I am gone prevue the movies for this the Summer of 2012 because this summer looks like it will be a real good summer!  I will be subjective through, and tell you wut I think is good and bad about each flick!  There is so many movies coming that I will have to post more than one blog about the summer movies this summer, so this only part one of the posts!

Let's check these movies out!

The Avengors Assembles (May 4)

This GOOD: This movie look real good. It got a lot of good super heros in it and the commericals they are trading wise cracks and fighting evil!  Sam Jackson play a pirate name Nick Furry and it got The Iron Man and Cap'n America, to!  IMDB already say this is the 29th best movie ever made, so I can't hardly wait!

These BADS: The Hulk CGI still look like crap, witch is crazy because this is the third time Hulk in a movie.  Fix that, Hollly Wood!  I been told I look like Grey Hulk, witch is cool becuase he was the smart Hulk! 

The Dark Shadows (May 11)

This Good: Jonny Depp play a vampire in the 70s in this one.  It is from a soap oprah from the 70s but the movie looks like jokes about the 70s not soaps drama.  I think this will be laughing out loud hilarious!

This Bad: This movie is on iMAX, but that don't make sense because it is a comedy movie.  Only movies should be on iMAX if they got stuff blowing up and cars chasing other cars in cities! 

The Dictater (May 16)

THE GOODS: This is the sequel to Borat but now Borat is a countries leader like Sodom Hussein.  He comes to the United Stats to show of his beard but some things go wrong!  I can't wait for this because Borat fought a naked fat guy and I still laughing from that!  Also he had a bear in a ice cream truck. This should be funny also!

This is Bad: I didn't like the last one where Borat was a gay man name Bruno. Gay jokes is funny to make but that movie was wall to wall gayness and it don't work if that was all it is.

What to Except When You Excepting (May 18)

These GOODS: A bunch of couples get knocked up and this movie is about a bunch of pregnancy.  So many hot chicks in this movie: J Lo and Cameron Dias, for just two of them.  It should be a be a funny romantic comedy for couples and may be inspires them to make they own baby! 

The BAD:  If you got hot chicks in the movie, they should not be fat pregnant laddies.

The Battle Ship (May 18)

The Good:  If you play the game before you know this story!  A battle ship get attack by martians in the water!

The Bad: Wut is next?  A Connect For movie?  Hop-Scotch?  Hide & Seeking?  Jacks: The Movie Where Toy Jacks Get Attacked by Alien?  Get a clue, Warner Brother!

The Men in Black 3 (May 26)

This is Good: So this time Will Smith and Tommy Lee go back in time to fight aliens in the passed!  I can't wait to see the aliens in this one and there ain't never been a bad time travel movie!

This Bad: Word on the street is Justin Beeber is gone have a bit part as a alien in this one. Can some one punch that kid in his fat face all ready?

Snow White vs. John Huntsman (June 1)

THe Good: Bela from Twilight Sagas is Snow White and my girl Sharlene Thereon is the Evil Queen Amandala!  It is a love story where a Hunter Gather guy fall in love with Snow White and they fight the Queen. 

The Bad: I am so worried this won't got any Dorfs in it.  One of my favorite songs is "Hi-Hos" so they better get that in dorfs or no dorfs!

The Pirahna 3-D-D 2 (June 1)

The GODS: The first one had so much blood and naked boob in it that it was may be the best movie I seen in 3-D. This time the action is in a water theme park, so I hoping they have two times or three times as much killings by fish in this one.

The Bad: I don't know how you can get much boob in this one because a water park ain't spring break.  I know for a fact that horny women don't go to water parks because they can get yeats infections.

Well, that is all for part one of this summer movies season!  Stay tooned for Part two later!

Go Summer!  Your Movies are the Best!

You can lead a horseface to watercolor...

While the Royals have had a rough start to the season, the promotions department seems undaunted.  

While they've had their fair share of lame giveaways already this year (anti-texting thumb bands!?), the drive to entice the upper-class intellectual set continues.  

And it appears to be working.  In the final game of the homestand on Monday, an esteemed man of letters was spotted reading in the Crown Seats behind home plate.

So what, you might be saying.  Why would the Royals even want some snooty academic at the game?  He's not watching any of the action!  

To that, I say, who cares?  He's sitting in a $240 seat!  Say what you want about the literati, but they are willing to drop dough just to be seen looking smart in public. 

And the Royals know that.

That's why, in a bold promotional move to attract the intelligentsia, they have commissioned dozens of artists to create challenging and beautiful works that will be displayed in a new wing of the stadium known as the Royal Museum of Art. The only visitors allowed entry so far have been donors of at least $5000.  They don't want Ma and Pa Kettlecorn crapping up the fine art. 

However, we here at Royales with Cheese were lucky enough to obtain some of these works and will unveil them periodically throughout the season to you, the fans of lesser pedigree.

Last month, we showed a brilliant graphite drawing of Frank White by a 16-year-old DeviantArt member. Today, though, we bring you something even more special.  A portrait of Royal fan favorite Jeff Francoeur.

The artist behind this work is Mr. Hamilton Beecham, a retired insurance adjuster from Atchison, Kansas. He typically works in watercolor and oil pastels, though he has also been known to dabble in egg tempera.  Hamilton is influenced by the neoclassical painters and dreams of seeing current subject matter juxtaposed into the academic Salon painting style.

We are now proud to present The Royale Right Fielder Francoeur, sometimes called
Francoeur as Homage to Jacques-Louis David (in miniature).

Click on the image to appreciate the fine detail.  We wish Mr. Beecham well in his lofty and worthy goal of resurrecting the glories of academic historical painting.  This is surely an esteemed and welcomed addition to the Royals Museum of Art.

Go Royals!  You're Exceptionally Gifted!

Anthology of Abominations

This weekend, we shall witness a battle for the ages.  The resplendent Royals (5-14) head to Minneapolis to take on the tremendous Twins (5-14).

We'll get to spend our Friday night switching back and forth between the NFL draft (yeah right) and the scintillating matchup of Everett Teaford vs. Carl Pavano (squeal!). 

We're firmly in the Royals camp, obviously.  But imagine what this rivalry means to the folks of Ames, IA. They are halfway between Kansas City and Minneapolis.  How do they decide which team to support?

I'm not sure there's a harder decision out there than choosing between two 5-14 baseball teams.  I mean, either way, you're stuck rooting for a huge pile of shit.

You know what?

I take that back.

I can think of ten choices that I would find equally as shitty: 

CREED    OR    NICKELBACK?

 JACK AND JILL     OR    THE LOVE GURU?

 KEANU REEVES    OR    CHRIS KLEIN?

  

 JAR JAR BINKS    OR    ANAKIN SKYWALKER?

 KATHY GRIFFIN    OR     CARROT TOP?

REX RYAN   OR   ROB RYAN?

ANDREW JOHNSON   OR   WARREN G. HARDING?

 SCRAPPY DOO   OR   SCREECH POWERS?

LOST LAKE   OR   CLEAR CREEK?

 LAME VAMPIRES   OR   WAXED WEREWOLVES?

(shudder)

So which way do the Ames folks go?  Unfortunately, I think most of them are dipshit Cubs fans.  

Go Royals!  You're Better Than Everything Pictured Above!

It's a bird, it's a plane . . .

Looks like there's only one thing that can distract Kansas City sports fans from the Royals suckitude and cause their already tenuous hope for KC success to be stretched even further. . .

I Can Show You The South Side

A recent study by the Smell and Taste Research Foundation of Chicago recently revealed an unlikely booster to performance for baseball players.  Using the hated White Sox as guinea pigs, the study showed that jasmine flowers, sniffed before an at bat, improved the batter's performance.

Now I'm usually against animal testing, but for the Sox I could make an exception. . . .



Seriously, many of you would say that smelling anything other than the usual stenches of US Cellular would be bound to help anyone play better, but I think it certainly can't hurt the Royals to try some homeopathic PEDs.  In fact, I think a little bit of Jasmine could really help the Royals. . .

For my first wish . . A real baseball team.

I Can Show You  . . . .How Not to Suck.

Go Royals, You're the Best!

Paranoid

Five games into this season, the Royals were cruising.  They had taken two of three from the Angels.  They were on the verge of sweeping the Athletics.  They would come back from the opening road trip 4-2, ready to take on the lowly Indians. 

But fate had something else in store for the Royals.

On April 11, a day which will surely live on in infamy in Poor Pichardo's Almanack, KC was up 4-3 in the 12th inning at the Oakland Coliseum.  Jonathan Broxton, he of the 54-inch waist, was brought in to mow down the A's and seal the victory.  

As you recall, things unraveled quickly.  

Alcides Escobar booted a routine grounder.  Broxton walked a guy.  Then he walked another guy.  Then there was an RBI groundout.  Then Broxton hit a guy.  And then, with the bases loaded in a tie game, he hit another guy.  

The game was over.  Two runs had scored, and the ball never left the infield.

It was weird.  People commented on how weird it was. It was, in fact, only the second time in history a game had ended with back-to-back HBP.

 People blamed Broxton.  They blamed Yost.  They blamed Escobar.

But all those people are wrong.

We've figured it out.  We know what wrought all of this. The person to blame for this game, and yes, the following ten-straight losses on the Royals  homestand, is none other than Jeff Francoeur.

He did something so wrong, so inexcusable, so unforgivable, that it has doomed the Royals' entire season.

He bought twenty pizzas for Oakland A's fans.

The media ate it up.  Joel Goldberg told viewers about it during the game. The Kansas City Star ran the story.  Yahoo Sports even picked it up. It was another signifier, the media argued, of what a nice guy Jeff Francoeur is.  

However, they missed the real story here.  What Frenchy really did was anger the baseball gods.

This isn't a story about sportsmanship or integrity or innate goodness.  It's a story about a player who made overtures to the enemy.  About a player who bonded with the fans of an opposing team. About a player who sacrificed the good of his team and his team's fans for another.  And he unknowingly did it with the deadliest weapon of all:

Pizza.

You see, in 1986, Domino's Pizza introduced a much-despised new mascot called The Noid.  This character frequently showed up in Domino's commercials as an evil-doer bent on stopping pizza from being delivered in under thirty minutes.  The Noid was so popular that he even starred in his own Nintendo game, "Yo! Noid."

It is no coincidence that ever since The Noid came into being, the Royals haven't so much as smelled the playoffs.  His creation was following, of course, their 1985 World Series victory.

And thus was born the Curse of the Noid.  The legend goes that just as the Noid stopped stoned pizza delivery boys from delivering the goods in thirty minutes, so too will the Noid stifle the Royals' playoff hopes for thirty years.

Don't believe me?  The proof is undeniable.

Ever since the Noid came into being, the Royals have been the laughingstock of baseball. The Noid is responsible for Dick Howser's death, Bo Jackson's hip injury, David Cone being traded away twice, black jerseys, Mike Sweeney's back problems, four 100-loss seasons, and Ken Harvey.

This season started off promisingly enough.  But Francoeur, nice guy that he is, failed to realize that sending twenty pizzas to the Oakland A's fans would reignite this 26-year-old curse.  

Immediately, the impact was felt: the Broxton blown save, the Hochevar Opening Day implosion, Alex Gordon striking out with the bases loaded to end a game, Ned Yost becoming obsessed with bunting, and yes, the Royals going 0 for the month of April at Kauffman Stadium.

These things are all because of that goddamn Noid.

And I don't think there's any way to stop it.  Perhaps the legend will hold true and the Royals will make the playoffs in 2016.

Until then, may God have mercy on us all.

Go Royals!  You're Cursed!

Fishing with Rex

It's been a long week, so let's check out the (not so) funny pages and see what Rex Hudler, M.D. is up to!  When we last saw Hudler, he and Chris Getz were talking about ladies and fishing.  Boring, right?  But there was this evil guy in the shadows plotting to get Rex, so maybe something interesting has happened in the interim.

Let's pick up the action, one week and seven strips later:

(Click to embiggen, of course)

So, basically nothing has happened in a week.

So, nothing is different between this comic strip and the Royals current homestand.

So this is why newspapers are dying.  So this is why Royals fans are dying.

So.... 

I got nothing.

Maybe that evil blogger will get off his fat ass and do something.

Yeah, I'm writing about myself in the third person now.

Go Royals! Go far, far away!