SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

GREETINGS TRUE BELIEVERS!  It is I, your ol' pal Smilin' Stan Least, friend to comic book geek and comic book nerd alike!

BIG NEWS, GANG! My bumblin' intern Striving Forbush told me about this here little 'blog and said you kids could sure use a pick-me-upper with the way your favorite baseball club has been playin' of late!  Striving said, "Hey Uncle Stan, how's 'bout you bring yer cockeyed optimism and good humor to Royals fans 'round the world?" And I answered, "Well, Striving, I'm rollin' in bread with my latest comic book movie making over a zillion clams, so good luck gettin' this here smile off this here mug! I can write 5000 words in ten minutes, so if they want a rhapsodic writer, they got it!"

DUBIOUS DISPATCH!  I realize Royales with Cheese is a humor sensation, so Smilin' Stan will do his best to keep the laughs comin'!  I've got a whole kaboodle of witty wonderments to marry your ever-lovin'-blue-wearin' team to the world of comics! Thank Odin for that!

FACE FRONT, FELLAS!  For your Fearless Leader's primordial post, I figured I'd latch onto the latest cinematic craze, The Avengers!  But these ain't your granpappy's Avengers, these are The AAAAvengers! 

That's four A's, fellas!  These Royals are more major than the minors, but not big enough yet for the bigs!  You'll notice how the Avengers we use for this exercise will be compatible with the Royals in every way.  That means no Hulk, Iron Man, Cap, or Thor!  But fear not, True Believers, as yours truly personally created a plethora of AAAA-quality Avenger personalities!  Let's get started, gang!

ITEM: The Incredible Irving Falu proved his mettle as a utility infielder with the Royals this season, but was exiled to Omaha for the bitterly blunderful Betancourt!  He deserved a better fate, so we've given him one!  Let's cross Irving Falu with the high-flyin' Falcon!

 

ITEM: What do you get when you cross the brilliant brain and brute strength of Felipe Paulino with everyone's favorite furry-formed mutant, Dr. Hank McCoy, AKA The Beast?  You get a player who can pitch with his hands AND his feet!  He can strike out batters, solve math equations, and groom himself simultaneously!  Fangs a lot, you indigo idol!

ITEM:  This one's so simple, it's sensational!  Let's cross the supersonic speed of Jarrod Dyson with the winged wheels of Pietro Maximoff, AKA Quicksilver!  You'll get a fella so fast that even the Comic Code Authority won't catch him!  That's what speed do, indeed, True Believers!

ITEM: What do you get when you cross ravishin' Royals reliever Tim Collins with Dr. Henry Pym, better known as original Avenger Ant-Man?  Why, you get a tittilatin' Tale to Astonish: Pym Collins, natch!  Picture it, True Believers!  A baseball player with power over the insects!  Why, he could lead an army of ants into the visitin' clubhouse and bite some Brewer buttinski!

THAT'S A WRAP, ROYALS FANS!   Yours truly will be back with more Royal-Marvel-Two-In-One's and other brain-blasters and block-busters from the glorious golden age of comic composition!  'Nuff said!

EXCELSIOR!
Stan Least

PS:  WHAT DO YOU THINK, HEROES?  Pretty jazzy, eh? Any comments, suggestions, or (*gulp*) criticisms?  Can this bombastic 'blog handle another series of perplexin' posts with little or no connection to the baseball team that inspired it? Grab yourself a sheet of swingin' stationery and send me your mighty missives!  You may just win yourself a great, earth-shakin' No Prize!

STOP YUNI 3: Shitwrecked

We've reached June, which is typically the time many Royals fans start becoming complacent. They stop ragging on Yost as much. They say bizarre things like, "Ehh, that Hudler isn't so bad." They forget what we traded for prize-pig Humberto Quintero.

So we're here to remind you to remain ever-vigilant in your Royals fandom. You have the right to point out the idiocy of giving up free outs and letting in free runs. You have the right to wonder what the hell Eric Hosmer is doing playing right field. You have the right to look at Melky Cabrera's stats and cry.  

And yes, you absolutely have the right to fight against Yuniesky Betancourt's insane amount of playing time. 

Johnny Giavotella sits the bench. Irving Falu plays in Omaha, wondering what the hell he did to deserve a demotion. And Yuni butchers plays on a near-daily basis. Go check out his stats and try to tell me this guy deserves to be on any major league team. Try to tell me this guy deserves two million dollars this year. He's a joke. And the Royals are a joke for not only employing him, but for playing him as much as they do.

So yes, we have to do this again. And unfortunately, we doubt it will be the last time. Hey, we're just being good fans. We're just trying to make a difference in this shitty world.

You are printing these off and posting them around Kansas City, aren't you? You goddamn well better be. 

#FreeIrvingFalu

#StopYuni

#YUNI2012

#FireYost

#Go Royals! You're the Best!

Sign of the Beast

It was six years ago today, June 6, 2006, A/K/A 06/06/06, that the Kansas City Royals and their fans were damned by a mediocre #1 overall draft pick.

We won't get too heavy handed with the devil angle, as that really isn't fair to Luke Hochevar.  I'm just saying, there was clearly an omen right there on the calendar.  Hell, the shitty Omen remake was released on that day.

And that's not all: If you remove the k, o, and h's from his name, it becomes Luecevar (Lucifer). Also, did you know the contract was bound in human flesh and inked in human blood? And that the cloven hooves of Scott Boras represented Hochevar? And that Luke's entourage included Lee Moloch, Belial Jones, Marty Mammon, and Scott Beelzebub?

Most damning of all?  Take a look at the negative of the above picture:

I'm just saying, there were signs.

But enough with that. Luke isn't really demonic in any way. He's just a really, really, truly underwhelming pitcher. He seems so evil and garners so much hate because of what he could have been and because the Royals have been too stubborn to try anything else with him or send him along his way. 

And he's why June 6, 2006, will live on in infamy in Kansas City.

Let's see what Poor Pichardo's Almanack has to say about this date in Royals history.

 

Nailed it.

Go Equinox Tallystick!  You're the Best!

Royals Draft Analysis From Your Dad

Royales With Cheese is excited to announce a brand new contributor to the RWC family. He hails from your basement den and spends most of his time on a twenty-year-old Barca Lounger with one hand on his junk and the other nursing a beer in a koozie that says "I Wish You'd Go Away" in neon green letters.  He's seen countless years of KC sports failure but has had the ability to maintain his sanity through a riveting mixture of sarcasm, annoying observations, and narcissism.  That's right folks . . .It's Your Dad.

Now sit back and enjoy our exclusive interview with this expert regarding the first and second round draft picks of the Kansas City Royals in the 2012 MLB draft.

PD:  So did you watch this year's draft?

Dad:  You serious?  You know I was watching the Finding Bigfoot marathon on Animal Planet.

PD: Yeah, that's a pretty good show I guess.

Dad:  Heck yeah it is, I love that Bobo.

PD:  Me too, me too.  Anyway I was hoping to get your opinion on the first two draft picks by the Royals this . . .

Dad:  They suck.

PD:  You didn't let me finish . . I was hoping to get your opinion on the first two draft picks by the Royals this . . .

Dad:  No, I know what you're asking and I'm telling you they suck.

PD:  Do you even know who they drafted?

Dad:  No, but it doesn't matter.  All the Royals early draft picks are terrible.

PD:  Well that's not true, what about Moustakas? Hosmer? Butler? Greinke? Gordon? Appier? Willie Wilson?

Dad:  Those guys were first round draft picks?. . . All I remember is that Luke Hocheesbar. He reminds me of your Uncle Rick, a real stumblebum with those big ears and a shit-eating grin.

PD: We'll, it's hard to argue with that.

Dad:  Past is Present.

PD: What?

Dad: Nevermind.

PD:  Anyway the Royals drafted right-handed pitcher Kyle Zimmer from the University of San Francisco Dons with their first pick in the draft this year.

Dad:  THE FAT GUY WHO EATS WEIRD SHIT?

PD:  What... Andrew Zimmern?  No. Kyle's a legit prospect.  Good fastball, above average curve.  Average change.

Dad:  Well, I wouldn't put it past the Royals to take someone like him.

PD: Like who?

Dad: Andrew Zimmern.

PD: You still on that?  Anyway no seriously, it's an interesting pick.  He could be a legit number two pitcher in the bigs someday, or he could be a bust; it's gutsy, but somewhat indicative of a win-now attitude.

Dad:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Win-now attitude!  HAHAHAHAHA!

PD: Dad, focus!

Dad:  Ok, Ok!  He's going to suck, no doubt about that, but even worse he's going to be too busy smoking the doobs to do anything but stay out of jail.

PD: Huh?

Dad: We'll you said he's from San Francisco.  San Fran . . . Hippy . . .Loser . . .Obama.

PD: Whatever.  Well what about our second round pick, Sam Selman, a lefty out of Vanderbilt?

Dad:  Spoiled.  He's a Vanderbilt, he's going to come in here and act all entitled, hating on KC, wishing he was back in his hoity-toity mansion, eating fish eggs.

PD:  Seriously, what the fuck are you talking about the Vanderbilt family?  What does that have to do with anything?

Look at this privileged SOB with his 

muttonchops and cravat. . .

Dad: If you cant see past the horizon you'll never cross it.

PD:  Bah!  Get back to Finding Bigfoot.

Dad:  Okay,  Now we can finally see if those noises in the night were a chipmunk or a Squatch.

PD:  Later, Dad . . .

Dad:  unintelligible grunt

Meme's The Word

Hello, Sports Fans! As the Royals continue their homestand against the Twins tonight, I thought this was a great opportunity to put a RWC spin on another popular internet time waster.

Memes.

What is a Meme? I don't know. I don't even know how to pronounce it. But basically it seems like a way to share your quips on life in the form of a low-resolution JPEG of your favorite film character or animal.

Until now, the only thing that has been missing for us is the right character to embody the snark of a Royales With Cheese meme. Well, the wait is over. Courtesy of Warner Brothers' 1994 smash hit, Little Big League, here he is: Waaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyy Joyner.

Oh my gosh. He's perfect. Take that, Timothy "Firecrotch" Busfield.

Ooooh. Look out Will Smith and Vin Mazarro!

Okay, that's a little bit over the line. But that's Wally!

Now it's your turn, RWC fans. Let's see what you got. Click HERE to make your own Wally Joyner Meme now!

Go Memes! You're the Best!

Bland on the Run

Happy Saturday!  The Royals are on a three-game-winning streak!  They had a winning record in May!  

They are still six games under .500!  

Oh...

Oh!

That's not so good!  

But whatever!  

I hope you aren't tired of exclamation points, because we have another edition of Rex Hudler, M.D.!  When we last saw Hudler and Chris Getz, they were on the run from a bloodthirsty-Royals-blogger-who-shall-not-be-named!

(RANY FUCKING JAZAYERLIIINKXWNSIPOTRZEBIE)

Let's join them on their escape, already in progress:

(click to embiggen, natch)

(did you embiggen? EMBIGGEN!)

Well, what can you say about today's strip?  It has taken quite the horrifying turn!  I think we're all concerned for the safety of the good doctor and his boy genius!

In other words:

OMG!

Oh! Em! Gee!

Go Exclamation Points!  You show emotion without all those burdensome words!

Braces, laces, knitting, and knotting

Back in March, Alcides Escobar signed a four-year, $10 million extension through 2015 with club options for 2016 and 2017 with the Royals.  If the options are exercised, he'll make another $11.75 million. 

What's a young guy to do when he's suddenly flush with cash and job security?  In Escobar's case, he decided to use the money to start his own online business.  And he's called it, simply, "Esky."

Now, Alcides has been known for some time to be quite good with his hands.  He's shown it on the baseball field, of course. But with his recent contract, Escobar is now free to pursue his other love: Textile and Apparel Management.

I know it's hard to believe, but next time you see a shot of the Royal dugout during the game, check out what Escobar is doing.  Ninety percent of the time, he's either knitting, crocheting, or doing some other form of needlework.

Which leads us to Escobar's new online venture.  Esky is an online store featuring his crafts and is modeled after online auction sites.  He felt it was important for him to be accessible to his customers and able to custom-tailor his wares to fit their individual needs and desires.  So far his work has been mostly inspired by the Royals baseball organization and marketed to their fans, but he does seem willing to do alternative designs upon request.

Let's check out a few of his listings, shall we?

 

We wish Esky good luck in his new business venture.  He might want to work on that ad copy, though.  And cut it out with the bedazzling.

Go Esky!  You're the Best!

E-Cards: The E stands for Error

Memorial Day Weekend is upon us. It's a time for family, friends, beer, cookouts, and baseball.  

Unfortunately, this weekend the Royals are facing the Baltimore Orioles, a team that has always dominated KC. Every year they seem to run the train on us, even when they're trotting out jokers like Jason Grimsley, Sal Fasano, Calvin Pickering, Paul Bako, Sidney Ponson, and Bruce Chen. 

Wait a minute...

Screw it. You can still enjoy the family, friends, beer, and cookouts.  As for the baseball, we have e-cards to cheer you up. We posted some back in March before the season, and we've got another batch for you today. 

Feel free to click on any of the cards, as doing so will take you to that card's page where you can send it along to a fellow Royals sufferer or post it to facebook.

Enjoy!

 

Have a fun and safe Memorial Day!  

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

Royal Pride

The Royals have been godawful at the K this year. If they were even .500 at home, they'd be near the top of the league. But aside from the Cardinals series in June and the All-Star Game in July, both of which will be overrun by fans who could care less about the Royals, there's little guarantee of a decent crowd again this season.

The Royals marketing department, however, has taken it upon themselves to employ a bold new strategy to entice fans to come out to the park and empty their pockets. Kauffman Stadium has added a private wing known as the Royals Museum of Art, a gallery designed to appeal to the more intellectual fan, one who can appreciate foreign films, a fine Chablis, and free jazz. Because of this, not just anyone can get into the museum. Indeed, thus far only those who have made sizable donations have been allowed to view the works contained therein.

While we here at Royales with Cheese will be the first to admit we are proud intellectuals, unfortunately, we're also broke. That means we've not been inside the gallery ourselves. Lucky for you, we do sell weed to the museum curator, and she has been kind enough to leak us high-resolution images of the various works on display. 

Today we bring you a pastel work by 46-year-old Roxanne Nickles of Vermillion, South Dakota. Roxanne is an adjunct biology instructor at Mount Marty College, an avid fly-fisher, and a lifetime member of the Audobon Society. Her goal as an artist is to raise awareness of environmental concerns. 

She agreed to paint a naturalistic portrait of Sluggerrr if the Royals would consider restoring Kauffman Stadium to its original prairie grassland status. When the team refused, she instead brokered a settlement that banned the sale of bison burgers at the K. And with that, this magnificent work of art was born.

We are now proud to present Panthera Leo-- His Majesty Speaks, 12" x 18".

(click to appreciate the fine detail)

In this piece, Sluggerrr has a menacing elegance, a murderous grace, a threatening beauty. The lion mascot is rendered with rippling power beneath a luxurious mane, his golden crown proclaiming his regal status. Beware his sharpened fangs, his fluid body, his mighty hot-dog-launching paws. Sluggerrr strikes fear into the hearts of his prey as he lets loose a thunderous roar. "Go Royals!" he bellows. "You're the Best!"

We agree, Sluggerrr. We agree.

Road Warriors

Well, the Royals are back on the road tonight. This can only mean one thing. They are more than likely going to win a ballgame. 

And of course, they did, shutting out the New York Yankees 6-0, and improving their road record to 12-7 on the season. The Royals love the road. They love it even more than Lincoln Hawk. 

But really, why have the Royals been so successful on the road this year?

How the hell should I know? I just wanted to make these graphics.

Thank you for your time.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Rex Mudler, H.D.

It's been a couple of weeks, so we better check in once again with Rex Hudler, M.D. and his boy genius, Chris Getz.  When last we joined them, Rex was patching up the evil blogger's bullet wound and it looked like shit was about to get real.

We now join them thirteen strips later.

(click to embiggen)

It looks like Rex and Chris managed to escape from the cabin of the evil blogger somehow, but things have taken a turn for the ridiculous. Getz is proving to be much braver than the good doctor, who has turned tail and run when it matters most-- a devastating revelation for fans of the strip.  Unfortunately, the final panel seems to indicate a farcical series of misunderstandings are about to turn the tight scripting of Rex Hudler, M.D. into a bad episode of Frasier.

Go Ahead, Getzy!  You're the Best!

Range War

This is the first sweep post in 2012 and it's an unexpected one.

For the first time since 1977-- yes, 1977, the year Kanye West was born, the year Smokey and the Bandit came out, the year punk exploded, the year Sanford and Son was canceled, the year Groucho Marx died, yes, that 1977-- the Kansas City Royals have swept a two-game series of the Rangers in Texas.

TWO GAMES!  DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!

FIRST TIME SINCE '77!

I know this stat because Steve Fizzyock told me at least eight times during the game tonight.

Also, fun fact: Rex Hudler did not know the song "Deep in the Heart of Texas" existed before tonight. Or he did, I guess, but didn't realize there were words to it?

Yeah.

So that's weird.

Anyway, we here at Royales with Cheese have been known to post an image to commemorate Royals sweeps that have occurred over the last few years, which only adds up to about four or five total.

So that's depressing.

Yeah.

But nonetheless, here we go!

Too on the nose?

Who cares?!

The Royals swept the Rangers!  The Royals swept the Rangers!

Screw you, Cordell Walker!

SCREW!  

YOU!  

WALKER!

Bring on the Orioles and their cartoon bird hats!

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

Emil is Rounding Up Summertime Movies For You Part #2

Here is part #2 of my movie prevues for this summer.  Go read part one of this if you ain't yet!

I seen so many good movies so fart his summer.  It was The 3 Stooges and The Band of Pirate Misfits and The Titanic in 3D on Ice!  That title is just me joking because the HMO Titanic crashed into ice and the kid from What is Eating Gilbert Grapes dies on ice water!

I also seen The Avengors Movie. Every person seem to love The Avengors Movie but I thought it had to much talking in it and not to much fighting in it which I find disappoint.  I also wish Scarlet Jo Hanson would have not had such bright red hair in it cuz she look like Raggedy Andy with boobs! And I like the superheros in it but it should have also been Warmachine and Natalie Portnam and Wolverine and Dare Devil and Green Hornet and all them other guys also.  It was still a awesome movie but I don't love it like every person seem to. 

Anyways, I hope that you are enjoying movies this summer!  It is getting hotter so that mean there are more coming all the time.  I have for you today more summer movies to talk about so you will know both what is gone be good and what is gone be bad in them.  Let's get crackling!

Here are more movies coming out soon--

The Moon Rise Kingdom (May 25)
The Good: This movie is about two kids who fall in love in the summer time and they run away together and that is something all of us can relate about.  Bill Murray is in it and that dude is real funny!

The Bads: Two Things are bad.  One is that Bruce Willis is in it but he is wearing glasses so I bet he won't be doing much killings of bad guys.  Two is this movie is in the 1960s so it may got hippies in it!



The High School (June 1)
The Good: This kid smokes the chronic but their gone be a drug test and he could lost his scholarship to college because of his pee has weed in it. So he and his friend decide to get all of the school to get high through selling them pot brownies in the bake sale! It looks like it will be real funny, specially if you smoke a blunt first!

The Bads: This movie was made two years ago but is just now going to be in movie theaters so I wonder if it really sucks.  Also, for any kids who can read this you should not smoke the chronic unless you live in some place where it is legal!



Magadascar 3 D: Europe Most Wanted (June 8)
The Good: Chris Rock is so funny in these movies! They were in Africa last time but in the third one of the Madagascar triology the animals are in Europe.  They are on the run from the French cops so they join a circus! 

The BAD: I hate to say this but I want their to be more movies that are new and not just the same movies I already seen but in new places! Also, these penguins in these movies are not as cute as the Happy Feet penguins. 



The Promothus (June 8)
The Goods: This is a prequil to Alien and that is one of my favorite scarry movies of all times!  I'm super pumped for watching people in space get smoked by them wet leather monsters and hopefully their will be at least one part where a alien bust out of somebody's chest!

The Bad: No Ripley and no Predators in this and the trailer don't even show no aliens. But I still think it gone be real scary and dope!



The Rock of the Ages (June 15)
The Good:  Musicals can be good, like The Rocky Whore Pitcher Show. Tom Cruise can be good, like The Days of Thunder.  But put them in one movie?  People who like the American Idle show will like it, but they think everthing should be karoke and I don't!

The Bad: This look so bad.  All the music is from awful hair bands like Deaf Lepperd, Poison, REM Speedwagon, White Snakes, The Journey, and Eddie's Money.  That music was bad back then, dummies!  And "The Rock of the Ages" was a hymn, so this shit so blasphamy it make me sick to myself that its titled this. Get a clue, Holly Weird! 



That Is My Boy (June 15)
This is Good: Adam Sandler just played himself and his sister in this other movie but that one was real bad.  Now he playing himself and his own son in this movie which to me looks better!  I bet he will learn to be a good dad and that family is more important than money and we will laugh at his drunk yelling!

The Bad:  There is a very tabboo subject matter in this because Adam Sandler knocks up his teacher when he is a kid.  That is one of the worse crimes there is so it may offend a lot of people.  Also, Vanilla Ice and Rex Ryan are in this and that is stupid.



The Brave One (June 22)
The Good: This another cartoon movie but this one got a girl as the main carachter so that's new!  It is in Scottland back in the day and this girl is braver than the boys but she open up a Pandormus box of beasts and has to be even braver than she was to stop it and get her clan back toghether.

The Bad:  How come there are no dragons in this like in the last Scottish cartoon movie? The dragons were cute and looked like cats!



Looking for Friends at the End of the World (June 22)
The Good: Steve Carroll and a younger chick go driving acrossed the country becuase a meteor is gone kill every one and they want to have fun before death happens.  It look funny with people being crazy and doing drugs and having good times because who cares with the world ending?

This Bad:  We all know how this gone end with everyone dieing at the end of the movie! That is pretty sad so I'm not sure if I want to see it because I like movies where death is funny or its scary or bad guys that die, but not when it is Steve Carroll because I love The 40 Year Virgin!



Abraham Lincoln, the Vampire Slayer (June 22) 
The GOOD:  This is the true story of how before Honest Abe had a beard a vampire killed his mom in the log cabin!  So he grew up and use a axe to kill the vampires. 

The Bad: It sounds like it would be funny but its not a comedy I don't think.  Maybe there will be some jokes in it though, like how he got his snowman hat and facial wart and stuff like that!



Well that is it for part two of the movies coming out.  I am happy to let you know I found out there will be Dorfs in the Snow White movie so we can all stop freaking out about there being no dorfs in it.  I still hoping they sing "Hi Ho!"

See you with part three soon!

Go Movies!  Your the Best!

Better Know a Bumstick: Doug Davis

On Saturday, the Royals signed veteran southpaw/warm body Doug Davis to a minor-league contract.  He'll be assigned to Omaha until Jonathan Sanchez's inevitable release or Danny Duffy's inevitable Tommy John surgery.  

You probably recognize Doug's name.  He's pitched for five teams over his thirteen years in the majors, most recently for the Chicago Cubs for an inglorious six weeks last year.  He ended his brief tenure there with a 1-7 record and a 6.50 ERA.  When you can't even hang on with the Cubs, you know you're in trouble.  Of course, shit always rolls downhill, so Davis found that his last hope of salvaging his baseball career was with our beloved Royals.

Since we'll likely be seeing him pitching in Kansas City soon, we now present the Doug Davis edition of our series Better Know a Bumstick.

Here are eight things you NEED to know about Doug Davis:

1) He pitched under Ned Yost in the Brewers organization from 2004-2006.  No word yet on if they are hunting buddies.

2) Doug Davis is superstitious as hell.  He takes a nap in the clubhouse before every start. He never steps on the baseline and has been known to hop over it.  His favorite number is 7 and he usually tries to wear a number that is divisible by 7.  Lastly, and most disturbing of all, he eats tuna fish before every start. 

 Lock up your tuna, KC.

3) Doug Davis loves to play cribbage.  Yep.  Cribbage.

4) Randy Johnson only hit one home run in his twenty-two year career.  It was off Doug Davis.

5) Davis is one of baseball's slowest working and most boring pitchers.  He walks guys like crazy.  He gets hit like crazy.  He has a slow, exaggerated wind-up. He takes forever between pitches. He throws 65-71 mph curves, 77-81 mph cutters, and his fastball tops out at 84 mph.  Basically, he's an older, crappier Bruce Chen.

6) Doug Davis may have the worst facial hair in the history of the universe.  The hair below his mouth looks like the hair above the vagina of a mid-90s Playmate.

Doug "Landing Strip" Davis

7) Despite being thoroughly mediocre throughout his career, he's managed to rake in over $32 million.

8) Lastly, and most importantly, Davis beat thyroid cancer.  That's worth 4000 Polk Points and shoots him to the top of Lee Judge's board.

That's it for this edition of Better Know a Bumstick.  Welcome to the Royals, Pubeface.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

A Salute To Mom

Hello, sports fans! It’s Mother’s Day, and I’d like to celebrate by dedicating a post to my mother.

I have her to thank (or blame) for my Kan City Royals fanaticism, and I would like to share some of my favorite things about her.

No matter what the Royals slogan is for a particular season (You Gotta Love These Guys, This…Is Hardball, Our Time), Mom always thinks it’s “A Major League Attraction.” This slogan was last used in 1988.

When the Royals introduced their new grey on-field road caps in the mid-nineties, Mom drove me to every department store in a 20-mile radius to ensure I got one for my birthday.

She did not question me when one summer I decided I wanted to be a Seattle Mariners fan.

On the rare occasion she visits Kauffman stadium, she insists on starting a chant for “A-O.” That is, Amos Otis.

She once stood in line at a Bannister Mall jewelry store for two hours with my brother and I so that we could meet Frank White.  

As a teen, arriving home after a Royals game was always a predictable occasion. Mom always asked the same two questions as soon as I opened the door. 1) Did the Royals win? 2) Did you get on the Megatron?*

Of course, in almost every case, the answer to both questions was no.

Since leaving for college, and to this day, Mom’s care packages have always contained whatever Royals item was 75% off in the Hy-Vee general merchandise aisle that week. Will it be a t-shirt? A keychain? A Joe Randa framed card plaque? You just didn’t know.

So this one goes out to you, Mom, and all the Mothers out there.

Happy Mother’s Day!

(this is not my Mom)

Go Moms! You’re the Best! 

* What she obviously means by Megatron is Jumbotron, but there’s more to it than that. You see, Mom suffers from what the doctors call Tronambiguation. To her, the stadium video board is the Megatron. The defunct Worlds of Fun ride is the Jumbotron. The Detroit Lions wide receiver is Omegatron and the Transformers character is Calvin Johnson. There is no telling a tronambiguate otherwise.