August 31, 2012

Tweets and Sweeps

 Jeremy Guthrie threw another solid game last night to complete KC's sweep of the Tigers.  He's quickly becoming one of our favorite Royals. Not just because he's been a damn good pitcher since he came over from Colorado, but also because he's genuinely an entertaining guy... Fans who love players like Chen and Francoeur should really check out Guthrie. He's much more worthy of your adoration.

There's plenty of proof at Jeremy Guthrie's twitter if you don't believe me.

Here's a choice tweet from the day he was traded to the Royals:


Pretty good, right?

How about this:


 He's genuinely funny.  Not like Chen with his Laffy Taffy wrapper routine.

And we like that.

Now, without further adieu, let's get to what you've all been waiting for: 

THE ROYALES WITH CHEESE OBLIGATORY SWEEP IMAGE

Who knew when I made this picture back on April 3, 2008, that I'd get so much use out of it?  This is at least the third time I've posted this sweep image, but it never gets old:


Every sweep image that has followed pales in comparison...

So that's that.

Anyway, it's the start of a long weekend, so I'll take the easy way out and just close out this post with some of the best behind-the-scenes candid Royals photos we've seen, courtesy of (who else?) Jeremy Guthrie's twitter!

First up, we've got Billy Butler loading up on some biscuits & gravy and breakfast casserole:



How about Luis Mendoza hanging out with one of the members of the Blue Man Group:



And, lastly, we have Rex Hudler putting on a gun show in the hotel pool:


 Awesome.

Enjoy your Labor Day Weekend!

Go Jeremy Guthrie! You're the Best!

August 30, 2012

Blame it on the Wonderdog

It's been far too long since we last checked in on Rex Hudler, M.D. As you may recall, in the previous edition he and his wife, Linda Ronstadt, were having an argument about his urology practice and his insistence on referring to vasectomies as sperm burners. 

This week, it looks like the Bickersons are back.  We join them following a magical evening on the town:


I guess it was only a matter of time before we stooped to fart jokes.

Go Rex! Put a slice of cheese under it!

August 28, 2012

Pandora's Idiot Box

A couple of weeks ago we revealed to you that David Glass has given up trying to run a successful baseball team and has instead turned his sights toward the boob tube.  He is outsourcing all players and personnel to the networks for the 2012 fall television schedule. However, Glass was unwilling to pay any writers, developers, or producers for these programs, so he's stolen the basic plots/characters/titles of some well known shows and "re-imagined" them with Royals properties.

Let's take a look at three more surefire winners:

Tuesdays at 9:30/8:30 central on CBS:
Sal in the Family

Billy Butler is a loveable working-class bigot and Sal Perez is his hippie son-in-law affectionately known as "Mitthead" in this update of the classic 70s Norman Lear sitcom. Sal in the Family takes on real-life social issues of today like the energy crisis, unemployment, and conflict in the Middle East.  So basically, it's the same show as the original, but instead of Sammy Davis, Jr. popping up in a guest spot, this version has rapper Common.


Weekdays in Syndication (Check your local listings):
The Dr. Hoz Show

Eric Hosmer has been disappointing in his sophomore season, but he's about to become a breakout star with this daytime talk-show.  Every day, Dr. Hoz will tackle another medical issue. The debut episode will feature Joakim Soria, Felipe Paulino, Danny Duffy, and Blake Wood discussing Tommy John surgery. A few weeks later, viewers will be treated to an intimate view of Ned Yost receiving a colonoscopy in a special live two-hour episode. For your health!


Tuesdays at 10/9 central on MTV:
Fizzyock and Hudler

The inane banter of Steve Physioc and Rex Hudler gets animated this fall!  Enjoy word-for-word cartoon remakes of FSN game broadcasts, with the announcing pair's lines re-recorded by Mike Judge. Each week, viewers will see the demented pair discuss things as varied as exploding toilets, reading lips, Soulja Boy style, and chewing gum with confidence. Also: chicks, fire, and bungholes.


That's it for this batch of shows. We'll be back with more soon.

Go TV! You're the Best!

August 23, 2012

Sympathy E-Cards

Feeling down about the Royals' poor season?  Well, keep your chin up because we're back again with more Royals E-Cards!  Remember that clicking on an e-card will take you to someecards.com where you can then e-mail it to a friend or post it to twitter or facebook.  

Please to enjoy:












We hope you enjoyed this batch. You can see more of our E-Cards by clicking here.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

August 22, 2012

Can't Cut the Mustard

So the Royals took it to the Rays last night. Hochevar pitched an amazing game. Herrera and Holland dominated in relief appearances. Hosmer came through in the tenth in front of his parents at the Trop.

But none of that compares to Rex Hudler's Carrot-Top-esque prop comedy.

In case you missed it, we've captured it in GIF format for you.

Here's Rex Hudler dominating a bottle of French's Mustard:

Hudgasm

Squeeze that shit, Rex! You truly are the clown prince of sports broadcasting!

Wocka Wocka!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

August 21, 2012

THREE X-MEN AND A BABY

GREETINGS TRUE BELIEVERS! It is I, your ol' pal Uncle Smiley! I'm back with another riotous round-up of Royals-related superheroes! In this ish, we're mixin' things up a bit. The Avengers have been booted from the Bijou by that bloated Batman blockbuster, and Stan Least won't take that lyin' down! Today, I'm exploitin' another of our excitin' examples of Marvel's mightiest-- those magnificient mutants, the exceptional X-Men!

STAN'S SOAPBOX! Before we have too much fun with the curious crossovers, your ol' pal has some ponderous points about an epic epidemic! Now gang, you gotta know that gettin' down with the giggle weed just isn't groovy!  Yours Truly wouldn't be where he is today if he'd ever hooked up with a hookah and hit the hubbly bubbly! The only Mary Jane I have eyes for is Spidey's gal pal! So next time some joker fires up a fatty and offers you a toke, be sure to tell him, "Only a dope would use dope, and that ain't no joke! Those who smoke grass have got no class!" Together we can end people puffing on pot pipes, gang! Tell 'em your Uncle Stan says so!

FACE FRONT, FELLAS! The Royals have netted some notable names in the past, but many boys in blue bolted to play for Brand Ecch! teams.  Some are still suiting up and socking it to the baseball world, so it makes sense that this little 'blog that could salutes those players with The Uncanny Ex-Royals!




ITEM: Currently a Miami Marlin, John Buck is one bald, buff backstop! The Only Livin' Boy in MLB from Wyoming (with apologies to Artie Garfunkel and that short fella, natch!), Buck was named an All-Star in 2010 following his escape from KC. Off the ballfield, Buck rescued two little old ladies from an overturned auto last December, provin' himself the golden boy of baseball. There's no better mash-up here than with the selfless, self-disciplined stud leader of the X-Men: Scott Summers, AKA Cyclops! That's right, meet Byclops: his optic blasts will scorch base stealers and shine a light on the Sunshine State!




ITEM: Former Royal Raúl Ibañez is still a fan favorite in KC! They don't come any nicer, nor any nimbler, than the lanky lefty slugger who socks it wherever he plays! A comparable character in X-lore is the original blue devil, Nightcrawler, so let's put them together. Our blue boy Ibañez bounces between teams, teleporting wherever he's needed with a bombastic BAMF! That's right, gang, Nightraúler can play any position and power any pitch outta the park, and with a prehensile tail, to boot!





ITEM: The athletic Alberto Callaspo has proved his adequate ability with the Angels! Combine this young infielder with a strong, steel superhero, and you get a player whose shimmering sheen blinds his opponents but is still only slightly interesting. Say hello to the metallic mutant masher, the AC of the OC, the armored avatar of Anaheim, Alberto Colossus!




ITEM: What do you get when the cross the prideful personality of Red Sock Mike Aviles with the ambient-energy absorbin' powers of hothead Havok? Surely you get the shakiest hotshot shortstop and douchiest dynamo in all of baseball! He's an ego in an Ed Hardy shirt, ready to shoot energy blasts and belt-high fastballs over the Green Monster! And check out that nifty catchphrase:



THAT'S A WRAP, ROYALS FANS! Yours truly will be back with more bullpen bulletins for you soon, my beloved Believers! As the All-Father Odin might say, "The time for departure hath arrived. Yea verily, 'tis time to take a troll to lunch!" 'nuff said!

EXCELSIOR,
Uncle Stan

August 19, 2012

Royals + Hudler >>>>>>

August has been pretty fun for Royals fans, and today we hit the apex with their sweep of the White Sox. If the Indians lose tonight, the Royals are somehow in third place. 

Today's game was one of the best we've watched in a long time. There were the typical Royal screw-ups, of course. Moose and Giavotella running into outs. Hosmer butchering plays. Runners stranded left and right. The official scorer (the Royals home scorer, no less) calling a clear error a hit to end Jeremy Guthrie's no-hitter. Yes, all of those things were very ridiculous and very Royals. But it was a fun game, nonetheless, and one of the reasons, shockingly, was Rex Hudler. 

Before we get to that, let's get our obligatory sweep image out of the way:


Sweet mascot, brah.

Anyway, today's MVPs were definitely Guthrie and Salvador Perez, but Rex Hudler deserves credit for actually providing some entertainment. His interactions with Jeff Montgomery and his oldest daughter, Alyssa Hudler, really made today's broadcast something special.

During the pre-game, Monty was pitching to Rex in the Little K. Monty managed to bury a pitch into Hudler's hip. Rex yelled, "What the heck, Monty?" to which Jeff quipped, "A lot of people are going to be happy that I did that."

Beautiful. If only Jeff was that quick when he was in the booth. It was great.

Then, of course, was the cameo by Alyssa Hudler, Rex's daughter who is beginning her freshman year at Kansas. Rex mentioned her to Charlie Weis when he was making a guest appearance in the booth, saying something along the lines of, "Charlie, you gotta make sure to keep your guys away from my daughter." A little awkward, but standard Rex.

Then a couple innings later, Alyssa and her friends were shown in the stands, all wearing sunglasses, chewing gum, and messing around on their phones. As Rex and Ryan talked about them, Alyssa made a phone call, and it was to Rex!  

And he answered! 

So over the last few weeks, we've learned it's not okay for players to fraternize during blowout games, but Rex can field calls from his daughter in the middle of a possible perfect game. That's Royals logic right there.


Alyssa asked her father, "Where are you?"  Apparently, she was unfamiliar with what he does for a living. Then amid him telling her to come up to the booth, she hung up on him. The phone call was an extremely unprofessional moment in an extremely unprofessional broadcast, but it was entertaining.

And then we checked Alyssa's twitter and found this gem, posted just before she phoned her dad:


Whoops.

Go Hudlers! You're the Best!

August 16, 2012

Matisse Bound and Down

In a gambit to bring in more cultured fans, the Royals have sacrificed some of the team's budget to appeal to a higher brow audience this season. Rather than pay for a decent starting pitcher, David Glass and Dayton Moore chose to spend a significant portion of their Jackson County tax income on a new wing at Kauffman Stadium dedicated to artwork. Yes, once again it's time to open up the doors of the Royals Museum of Art to look at one of the fabulous pieces contained within.


As we've seen this season, it's a hell of a lot more engaging to look at drawings and paintings than the shit on the field. One exception has been Billy Ray Butler.  Call it kismet, call it coincidence, call it a completely planned post on our part, but Butler also happens to be the subject for today's piece of artwork.

First, a little about the artist. Gustave Chevrotin is little known outside of his native Quebec, but the French-Canadian is highly regarded in his native province. As a boy, young Gustave was an avid fan of the AAA-Brooklyn/Los Angeles Dodgers affiliate the Montreal Royals, greatly admiring the play of a young pitcher named Tom Lasorda. But his favorite ballclub soon abandoned him. All on the same day, September 7, 1960, an 18-year-old Gustave enrolled in art school, engaged in his first homosexual experience, and watched the final game the Royals would play in Montreal before they moved to Syracuse. By 1969, Gustave was on the faculty at the art school and had taken many lovers, both male and female, but there was a gaping hole in his life that could only be filled with baseball. He was overjoyed that Montreal was getting a professional team, the Expos, that year, but he instead chose to follow the expansion team in Kansas City because they would be known as the Royals.  He remained a loyal fan, one of the biggest Royals fans in the Great White North, and it was he who contacted the team to see if he could create a piece for the new art museum at Kauffman Stadium.

Having suffered a series of strokes and in deteriorating health, the 70-year-old Chevrotin requested that the team fly his favorite player, Billy Butler, up to the artist's home to model for the piece. As it turned out, this was all a clever ruse to fill Billy with wine, get him to pose nude, and try to put the moves on him. The ballplayer, of course, rebuffed the carnal advances of the artist, who then begged Butler to kill him. Confused, Billy ran out of the house sobbing. The next morning, Butler returned to apologize, but nobody would answer the door. He snuck around back and stumbled upon Chevrotin's nude bloated corpse floating in his swimming pool.

Later, the police found a drawing, the drawing just below these words, lying on Gustave's kitchen table, with a note reading "To Billy -- Friend?"


All right, we'll be honest. Other than Gustave Chevrotin's name, location, and age, the above story is bullshit. All the stuff about his attempted sexual encounter with Billy and suicide was ripped off from the film Gods and Monsters. Uh, spoiler alert, if you haven't seen that. Sorry.

Despite knowing little about the artist, we really do admire this piece, titled DH Reclining. It's a wonderful line drawing that exhibits fluid draftsmanship. There's a serene beauty and simplicity to Chevrotin's pure, expressive line. The piece conveys much about the essential character of the subject despite the economy of the marks. There's a sense of immediacy, of spontaneity, in the elegant, unshaded lines.

Also, check out Billy's nipple.  C'est très magnifique!

Go Culture! You're the Best!

August 14, 2012

Automatic Pilots

To offset the shittiness of the last eighteen Royals seasons, David Glass has chosen to outsource all players and personnel to the Big 5 (4? 6? 8?) networks for the 2012 fall television schedule. He realized TV is a much safer venue for the Royals because unlike baseball, you don't have to be entertaining, innovative, or intelligent to succeed. However, Glass was unwilling to pay any writers, developers, or producers for these programs, so he's stolen the basic plots/characters/titles of some well known shows and "re-imagined" them with Royals properties. As a result, he may have several dozen lawsuits on his hands.  Anywho, we here at Royales with Cheese have gotten our hands on all the shows and will be revealing them to you over the next several weeks. This blog was typed before a live studio audience.

Here are some of the titles you can expect to see on the Fall 2012 schedule:


Fridays @ 9/8 central on Fox: 
The Rex Files


This hour-long drama features Royals commentators Rex Hudler and Ryan Lefebvre as special agents for the RBI, or Royals Bureau of Investigation. Hudler is a believer in aggressive play, obtuse metaphors, and identifying himself as a New York Yankee despite only appearing in 29 games for the team. Ryan Lefebvre plays Rex's level-headed but skeptical partner who eventually comes to realize that shady cigarette-smoking owner David Glass is behind a vast conspiracy that resulted in the ousting of his former partner, Frank White. Also, the duo frequently has to battle aliens, werewolves, and sewer monsters, because who would ever just want to listen to these idiots talk?



Thursdays @ 8/7 central on ABC:
Maier's So-Called Life

Mitch Maier played for the Kansas City Royals for parts of six seasons, but now he finds himself in a new city and on a new team.  Making friends on the mean streets of Omaha isn't easy when you're a 30-year-old former first-round pick and you're surrounded by young toughs like Wil Myers and Jake Odorizzi. Luckily, Mitch finds an ally in an older teammate named Doug Davis, and the two form a special bond over being the only two players on the team who were alive during the 1980s. Following the "Very Special Episode" formula, each week Mitch will have to deal with issues as varied as peer pressure, drug addiction, homophobia, bullying, sexually transmitted diseases, negative win shares, and homelessness. 



Sundays @ 6/5 central on Comedy Central: 
Dr. Getz, Professional Therapist


Chris Getz stars as a divorced therapist who lives with his grown son (played by a slovenly Brayan Pena) in this animated series. Most episodes revolve around Getz having therapy sessions with former and current Royals. For example, the pilot includes Jim Eisenreich discussing the difficulty of living with Tourette's Syndrome, Eric Hosmer talking about his sophomore suckfest, and Mark Quinn regaling Getz about the time he did a K-Swiss commercial. Also, Getz's "son" Brayan Pena struggles to get out of bed on game day when he knows Salvador Perez will get the start.



Sundays @ 10/9 central on AMC
Breaking Balboni

For years Billy Butler has been undervalued and taken advantage of by the Royals organization, the fans, and baseball as a whole. Not anymore. Butler is turning into a badass, and he's taking down anyone who gets in his way. In an early episode, he manages to turn an entire city against Robinson Cano. He also starts baking trans-fat-infused donuts and selling them illegally on the black market to help the Royals fund his teammates' contracts. And nobody is prepared for his sudden power and menace with a Louisville Slugger. Just how far will he hit the ball to provide for his Royals family? Will Steve Balboni's home run record survive? Will the Royals turn their back on Butler and send him away for a light-hitting infielder and #4 starter? Will AMC draw this series out for five seasons?  How offputting does Billy look in Hanes Briefs? All of these questions and more will be answered on Breaking Balboni.



Tuesdays @ 8:30/7:30 central on ABC
Taxes


The recent conflict of how David Glass uses Jackson County tax funds serves as the loose premise of this ragtag situation comedy. Glass stars as a tyrannical money-grubbing owner of the Sun-Don't-Shine Cab Company, an organization full of oddballs and losers. Kevin Kietzman and Jack Harry are failed journalists who are always stirring up trouble for Glass to try to give their pathetic lives some sort of meaning. Dayton Moore serves as the straight man who often gives his fellow workers advice, only to see it blow up in their faces. Rex Hudler has undergone gender-reassignment surgery to play Roxie, the red-headed sexpot divorcee that all the men want. Rounding out the cast are George Brett as a goofy but lovable foreigner who frequently says "Poopie in my pants," Dan Glass as the incompetent and mentally challenged son of the boss, and Ned Yost as a burned-out ex-ballplayer who's had more hits of acid than basehits. 


Well that's it for the first group of shows. Which of these will be a breakout hit?  Which will be canceled after two weeks? 

We'll be back soon with more of the upcoming fall schedule!

Go TV! You're the Best!

August 9, 2012

Tucker: The Man and His Dream

Michael Anthony Tucker is one of our favorite Royals.  Not because he was any good (he wasn't, really), but because of his expressive countenance.  He was known in our household by several nicknames: "Bug Eyes," "Blinky," and "That Guy Who Always Looks Terrified."  

Basically, Tucker had three expressions: Worried, Happy But Slightly Worried, and Angry But Slightly Worried. This may have been because of his bulging eyes, his constant blinking, and his eyebrows that were arched upward in the middle.  In case you've forgotten, here's a nice shot:


We loved that guy's mug. His goofy expressions made Steve Busby's one season as television commentator bearable. His goofy expressions made the dumbass black uniforms and cut-off sleeve uniforms bearable.  He was always great for some laughs, whether in his first stint during the team's steady decline in the Herk Robinson era or in his bizarre reappearance during the Allard Baird era, which included the Royals' random 2003 season when they broke .500. 

Here's another picture of him looking worried, but this time, probably for legitimate reasons.  During the SARS outbreak in 2003, the Royals headed to Toronto to face the Blue Jays.  

Tucker seems, well, pretty goddamn worried:


Anyway, Tucker wasn't a great player by any stretch. He had decent range in the outfield and a pretty good arm. He could steal a base once in a while. He could hit twelve or thirteen homers a season. He struck out about twice as often as he walked. Basically, he was an average player who worked best in a platoon. 

Sort of like Jeff Francoeur, but unfortunately, his frightened expression didn't endear him as much to Royals fans as Frenchy's grinning maw. Just like Francoeur, Tucker was a first round draft pick that never really lived up to his full potential.  Just like Francoeur likely will, Tucker had a long career and played for seven different teams.  But UNLIKE Francoeur, Tucker was an Olympian in 1992.  So suck on that, Frenchy.

The best thing about Michael Tucker (aside from his "I just shit my pants" facial expressions), was that he and Keith Lockhart were traded to the Atlanta Braves just before the 1997 season for Jermaine Dye and Jamie Walker. Dye, of course, was one of the Royals' best offensive and defensive outfielders in history, right up until Baird traded him for Neifi Perez in 2001. But the shitty Neifi trade is probably also what led Baird to trade Shawn Sonnier to the Cubs for Michael Tucker prior to the 2002 season. 

CAN THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN, BYE AND BYE, LORD, BYE AND BYE.

Anyway, Tucker looms large in Royales with Cheese history due to the Michael Tucker OMG Moment of the Week posts, which we've done a total of four times over the course of the twenty-one weeks since we started it. 

That's why we're the best, folks.

Nevertheless, it's high time we do a Royals vs. Cards post on Michael Tucker and his awesome facial expressions, so let's do it! 

1992 Bowman Foil #682:

This may be Michael Tucker at his least worried. He's an Olympic athlete on Team USA and he's rocking a killer stache. But if you look closely at his eyes, there's fear there. Real fear.


1993 Score Select #291:

Here he is in action. Much less confident than when he was just hanging out on the practice field. In fact, that face is pretty upsetting to look at. Of course, he might be so worried because he's floating in a blue abyss boxed in by a TECMO Bowl-style football field. 

Perhaps he's trapped in a nightmare video game world being pursued by an 8-bit Freddy Krueger a la Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare?



Don't forget to put on your 3-D glasses when Maggie puts on her glasses in the film!


And check out other New Line hits this summer, including House Party II and Suburban Commando!

And don't forget to drink Barq's! Barq's has bite!

Freddy's Dead! They saved the best for last!

Uh...

I should probably hire an editor for this crap.

Moving on...

1992 Upper Deck #445:

Michael Tucker worries as he runs the bases.


1994 Action Packed #24:

Michael Tucker worries as he catches a ball.


2004 Upper Deck Vintage #273:

Michael Tucker worries after hitting a ball.


1995 Select Certified Future #9:

This isn't Michael Tucker. It's Jon Nunnally. I have no idea what happened here. I'm guessing this card error caused Michael Tucker a great deal of worry.


1996 Pinnacle #202:

Michael Tucker worries in profile.


1995 Ultra Golden Prospects #10:

A motif of Michael Tucker worrying.


1995 Upper Deck Minors Top Ten Prospects #9:

Michael Tucker, hat askew, worries while holding a Nikon camera.


1994 Ted Williams Dan Gardiner Collection #DG2:

Michael Tucker holds a worried pose for artist Dan Gardiner.

And finally...

2003 Donruss Studio #42:

Magic Mike 2: Fingerbangin'

Go Bug Eyes! You're the Best!
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