March 17, 2013

It's Pats!

St. Patrick's Day is weird. Think about it: a bunch of people have been getting drunk this weekend not because it's the weekend, but because of a holiday that isn't even legally a holiday in the United States. If you need an excuse to drink, you're an idiot. Do it because you want to, not because it's March 17th and you think alcohol is the only thing that defines an entire culture.

Aside from the drinking, people are also doing insanely irrational things that nobody in his or her right mind would do drunk or sober: going to parades, eating cabbage, watching crap like The Boondock Saints, and wearing hats that are the green version of a sports team's normal hat.

It's really embarrassing.

Now that that's off my chest, we can get to more important things, like the overabundance of players named Pat in Royals history.

Seriously, they've had a lot of dudes named Pat.

A lot.

Pat Tabler. Pat Sheridan. Pat Kelly. Pat Borders. Pat Rapp. Pat Lennon. Ed Kirkpatrick. Marty Pattin. Pat Boone. Pat Sajak. Patty Hearst. Patrick Star. Pat Nixon. Patrick Bateman. Pat Summerall. Peppermint Patty... 

So who is your favorite Pat?

Pat Tabler (1988-1990)

A former first-round draft pick, nicknamed "Mr. Clutch." Tabler was acquired in a trade with Cleveland for Bud Black. He hit 11 homers in 1987 for the Indians, but over the next three years with KC, he only hit four total. Also, he looks like if Phil Simms and Boomer Esiason had a baby and then peed on it.

Pat Sheridan (1981, 1983-1985)

Won a ring with KC in 1985 as a part-time player. With the glasses and stache, he looks like a pederast by today's standards, but in the early-mid-1980s, he just looked like your dad.

Pat Lennon (1996)

Was a first-round pick by the Mariners in 1986, and basically the definition of a bust. A year later, Seattle would do a better job with their first pick, taking Ken Griffey, Jr. By the time Lennon came to KC, he'd already washed out of four organizations. But at the Royals home opener against the Red Sox, it was Lennon who had the walk-off hit off Jeff Suppan in the 12th inning, making him a big-league hero, at least for a day. Of course, Lennon was only a Royal for about three more weeks, playing in 14 games before being released.

Pat Rapp (1998)

Somehow lasted a decade in the bigs as a pretty mediocre starter. Went 12-13 with a 5.30 ERA as a starter in his one season in Kansas City. At the time, I often referred to him as Fat Rapp and/or Pat Crap because I was a comedic genius.

Pat Borders (1995)

A major part of the Blue Jays World Series teams in 1992 and 1993, Borders came to KC as a free agent in 1995 but couldn't beat out Brent Mayne to be the starting catcher. Above, you'll see him in his Toronto heyday looking a lot like Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Below, you'll see a bald Kirk Gibson pancaking the shit out of him.  He was traded to the Astros halfway through his one season in Kansas City and went on to play for nine more teams. Bizarre sidenote: in the 2000 Sydney Olympics, Borders, Doug Mientkiewicz, and Chris George won gold medals as part of Team USA. Weird.

Pat Kelly (1969-1970)

Taken by the Royals in the 1968 expansion draft. He had good speed, but otherwise was fairly average. Traded in 1970 to the White Sox where he had an All-Star season in '73. He doesn't really count as a Pat, since his first name is really Harold, so he's disqualified from the vote. And I've just wasted 15 seconds of your time.

St. Pat's Selection Sunday:

Pat Who?
It's a damn shame Freddie Patek's name isn't pronounced differently.

Happy St. Patek's Day, everybody!

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

1 comment:

  1. Jack Karwoski12:25 PM

    FU, man, I love St. Patrick's Day! I'll be watching Boondock Saints with my green Red Sox hat on, bitch.


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