April 30, 2013

Royals vs. Cards: Name That Toon

This may have been the toughest 24 hours of the season. During the afternoon win on Sunday, it looked like the Royals were rolling, headed for a series win and maybe even a four-game sweep of a division rival. But then, for some reason, Will Smith started Sunday night's game. It seems like Smith started just because the Royals wanted to exploit the league rule that you get a 26th man for double-headers.

And on Monday night, Wade Davis (called "The key to the Myers-Shields trade" by just about everyone) put up his worst start of the year. That's discouraging, considering of his five starts, three have been pretty damn bad.

You know what always cheers me up after bad games? Looking at the ridiculous Royals baseball cards of yore.

So that's what I'm going to do.

A few weeks ago, we brought you some goofy cartoons from the backs of the 1973 Topps collection. Today, we move forward one year to share with you some of the best cartoons from the 1974 Topps series in a new edition of Royals vs. Cards. 

Here are some fun, but useless, cartoony facts about your favorite Royals!

Jim Colborn:
Jim is homeless.

Fran Healy:
Fran was signed by Indians. Not the baseball team, but honest-to-God American Indians.

Bruce Dal Canton: 
Bruce is getting his Master's degree in Bullshit.

Jim Wohlford:
 Jim doesn't have a record player, but records still have a lot to say if you just listen.
Also, Jim knows where to buy good weed.

Tommy Davis:
 Tommy sells the good weed.

Bobby Floyd:
When Bobby retires from baseball, he will have a long career working cruise ships and After Proms.

Hal McRae:
Hal is as graceful as a swan.

And knowing how to pirouette pays off when you're pissed.

 photo mcrae-phonetoss_zpsa03ab429.gif

Vada Pinson:
Vada thinks it's gonna be a long, long time / til touchdown brings him round again to find /
he's not the man they think he is at home / oh no, no, no, he's a rocket man.

Jerry Terrell:
Jerry routinely commits mail fraud.

Amos Otis:
Amos loves to jitterbug.

Harmon Killebrew:
Harmon hit so many homers that his bat turned into a giant, tattooed phallus.

Larry Gura:
Larry is a cat.

And there you have it. As of 1974, Topps was still making every player look like a boring white guy from a Hanna-Barbara cartoon.
Even the Indian.

Go Topps! Put that in your fucking pipe and smoke it!

April 26, 2013

In Media Res

The Royals pulled off an amazing extra-inning win in Detroit yesterday, capped off by Alex Gordon's grand slam. We here at Royales with Cheese thought it would be fun to see how such an awesome game was covered by the various media outlets. So let's do this:

First up is the only social media site that matters... LinkedIn!

Just kidding.

What the hell is LinkedIn?

We're talking about Twitter, of course.

If you can understand hashtags, the ending of this game was reported in the most thrilling manner imaginable:

So, Twitter, as expected, nailed it. 

If you're reading this and you aren't on Twitter, you disgust me.

Go create an account right now so you can make #A1 and #CountryBreakfast tweets like the rest of the civilized world.

Next up is your favorite Kansas City Royals blog and mine: Royals Review!

Now, I know since Will MacDonald left and SB Nation changed the comments section, the quality at RR seems to have dipped a little, but I think they've totally redeemed themselves with their recap of yesterday's game.

Here it is:

The new style of writing, while lacking somewhat in the arcane literary and historical references that made MacDonald's writing great, is certainly much more appealing to people who think the phrase "hanging dong" is funny.

Btw, "Dong" means "Penis." LOL.

Finally, let's look at the big daddy of sports media: ESPN.

Two of our least favorite anchors, Neil Everett and Stan Verrett, have the story:

Bang-up job as always, ESPN.

Some of you may be wondering how Royales with Cheese covers a story like this. Obviously, by taking potshots at more highly regarded media outlets than us and not covering the Royals or the game at all.

Other than to post this image, which gives us great joy:

Sorry Royals Review! We Really Do Like You! 

April 24, 2013

Mighty KC Has Struck Out

"Twas the Night of Moustakas"

Twas a cold night in Detroit, and all through the park
The Royals needed a win, they needed a spark.
In the first Scherzer was strong and so was Davis,
But that didn't last long, soon both pitched heinous.

And though the Royals were freezing and upset at Coach Ned,
Visions of a winning streak danced in their heads.
And Perez with a single and Getz with one too,
And then three more singles, KC now up by a few!

When out on the mound there arose such a clatter,
Wade Davis was out there again, getting smoked by the batters.
And two grounders in a row rolled toward the one fans call Moose,
The first one he played fine, but the second he dropped a steaming deuce.

Wade Davis's pitches hung up in the zone,
But Yost wouldn't remove him, and the game was soon blown.
And what to Royals' fans eyes should finally appear,
But a mulleted Mexican who hadn't played in year.

More runs were to come against Mendoza,
But eventually it ended, the fourth inning was over.
KC had a shot right after that in the fifth,
Scherzer was walking guys, even the stiffs!

"Now Gordon! now, Butler! now, Hosmer and Esky!
On, Salvy! On, Frenchy! on, Cain and on Getzy!"
But with the bases loaded, all was not right,
Coming up with two outs, Moustakas suffering from blight.

Well this was a moment to regain some of his pride!
Would he hit a grand slam or would his balls shrink and hide?
He choked up on the bat, and he dug in the box,
He prayed for a double, a single, hell, even a walk.

He swung at the first pitch, outside by a foot,
And he stared at the second, right down the chute.
The fans were all yelling, cheering, drunk on their Schlitz,
The next pitch came, but Moose swung hard and missed.

And soon the commentators commented, 
Their excuses they had already cemented:
"They're just cold," Steve Physioc explained.
"Too many off days," Rex Hudler complained.

And then the game sped up, quick innings went and came,
The Royals began to realize they had lost the game.
In the ninth Detroit brought out Jose Valverde,
A player most people hate, the baseball version of Fergie.

He has a dumb goatee and yellow safety goggles,
He dances and shakes and makes boondoggles, 
Squatting and thrusting his big fat round belly,
He pops and he locks, he's no Gene Kelly.

He got his three outs, he had saved the game,
But it's April and it's the Royals, so celebrating is kind of lame.
Still, he jumped up and down while pumping his fist.
If he wasn't so stupid, I'd probably be pissed.

There were goats on this night, bad games played by many,
The announcers were bad, except for our Denny.
Ned Yost sat on his hands, Frenchy swung at bullshit,
Wade Davis was brutal, Cain missed a big hit.

But the worst, as we've seen, was the one they call Moose.
He was awful and bad, if he were a butthole he'd be loose.
He needs dropped to the minors, Omaha or Springdale,
Even if it means we have to watch Tejada, so old and so frail.

Twas a cold night in Detroit, and all through the park
The Royals needed a win, but they lost the game before dark.
KC still is in first by half a game if you haven't heard,
Unfortunately tomorrow, they'll probably be down to third.

But don't worry fans, Royales with Cheese will still be here,
Yelling "Demote Moustakas already! And to all fans a cold beer!"

April 22, 2013

Sweep Caroline

So it wasn't a three-game sweep, but the Royals took their first double-header from the Red Sox in Fenway since 1971. That's 42 years. A man at that age is the target audience for those Low-T commercials. They had last swept the Red Sox in a double-header in 1986. That's 27 years ago. A man at that age was born just after the Royals only World Series win. 

So yeah, this was rare.

Almost as rare as a George Kottaras start.


All he does is hit home runs, folks. Or strike out. But that's okay because he's just a backup. He's proven better in one game this season than his Greek teammate Mike Moustakas has proven in three weeks.

Anyway, because yesterday's feat at Fenway was so rare, we're going to ignore Saturday's late-innings loss and focus on the double-header sweep.

Which means an obligatory sweep post!

Check it out:

What's that, you say?

"JR, that's just the White Sox sweep graphic with a red tint overlay on the sock!"

How dare you.

It's not my fault these teams have such stupid mascots.

Just be happy the sock doesn't look like a penis.

I don't want this blog getting flagged as "Mature."

Because if there's one thing this blog isn't, it's "Mature."


They've stopped the Braves' ten-game winning streak! They've stopped the Red Sox seven-game winning streak! They've swept the Twinkies, who are now inexplicably in second-place in the Royals' division!

And they're heading to Comerica Park in Detroit for a three-game set with the World-Series-losing Tigers, the team crowned 2013 division champs by pretty much everyone before the season started. 

But these aren't the same old Royals. 

These Royals... 




Go Royals! 155-7! You're the Best!

April 19, 2013

Memes & Briefs

Happy Friday, Royals Fans!

The team has played two games in four days. That's TWO games in FOUR WEEKDAYS. And that means probably just about everyone who is reading this has worked more this week than anyone on the Royals.

How does this happen? Well, I'm no conspiracy theorist, but this seems like a clear case of Ned Yost and Jeff Francoeur, good old boys with ties to Atlanta, somehow convincing MLB to hook them up with a couple days off so they can hunt some turkey with Jeff Foxworthy.

And for once, I'm not going to hate on them. The Royals went into a hornets' nest in Turner Field, and despite the offense and Kelvin Herrera's worst efforts, somehow managed a split with the hottest team in baseball. So yeah, let the guys shoot some turkeys. After Frenchy's 3-8 showing the last two games, I imagine he's been wearing the same turkey underwear he used to rock back in '09 with the Braves.

Gobble, gobble.

In any case, when the Royals effectively take the week off, so do we. Which explains today's post, another blog entry made up mostly of memes I threw together at the last second. 

On with the memes!



If you want to see more of our memes, check 'em out here.

Go Steve Balboni! Your Stache is the Best!

April 16, 2013

Always Brave

Hello Sports Fans! Welcome to Week 3 of the 2013 MLB Season. This week your Kan City Royals travel to Atlanta to take on the red hot Braves in a quick two-game set, and I’m here to tell you everything you need to know about this NL East club. Ready. Set. Let's Get Topical!

A is for Asstastic

Back in February, the Braves, along with the rest of the league, were set to release the design of their new on-field spring training/batting practice cap. The cap featured the vintage Screaming Savage logo and was a hit with Caucasians everywhere.

Unfortunately, the liberal agenda got in the way, protesting the use of the logo, and the team backtracked, going with a boring modification of its classic 'A' insignia.

Sadly, both cap designs are much cooler than the Royals.’

Take Me To Your Leader

For years, the Atlanta Braves have been motivated by their owner: World Championship Wrestling founder, Ted Turner. Turner was the first owner to introduce the Peel-A-Section incentive program into a real MLB clubhouse. Over a dozen division titles later and this team is still looking as good as Jane Fonda, circa 1968.

Upton for the Down Stroke

It's a common misconception that Braves outfielders BJ and Justin Upton are brothers. They are actually the first married couple to play for the same major league baseball team. In case you were wondering, Mark and Storm Davis were  divorced by the time they played together for the Royals in the early 90s.

Forty Two

It’s Jackie Robinson Awareness Week, which means players on both teams will wear uniform number 42 for Tuesday night’s game. 

It’s shocking that MLB fails to see the moral hazard associated with a baseball game that features #42 facing #42, with #42 on deck, #42 in the hole, and #42 rested in the bullpen. It’s an umpire/broadcaster/scorekeeper’s collective nightmare. Last year on Jackie Robinson Day, the Braves’ Dan Uggla logged 17 plate appearances, entering and leaving the game as the situation necessitated, because no one knew what the hell was going on.

Luckily this year, the Royals have brought this guy along to keep an eye on things.

Marquee Mashup

With any luck, this series will renew a long-simmering player feud that is likely nearing its boiling point. Braves backup catcher Gerald Laird has had a problem with Royals pitcher Jeremy Guthrie ever since Guthrie threw a brushback pitch during a 2008 Orioles-Rangers game that embarrassingly landed Laird on his ass.

Laird has a .417 career average against Guthrie, including a 1-for-3 effort against him as a Tiger last August. While things failed to escalate in that contest, the two did exchange a series of mean mugs and confusingly racist taunts.

The possibility of a showdown this week is certainly not lost on these two. You can sense the hostility from their latest tweets:

Look out! It won't take much to get these hotheads going!


Finally, we recall a pair of former Braves forever linked by one of the few good trades the Royals have made over the past 40 years. In March 1997, the Royals traded Michael Tucker and Keith Lockhart for Jermaine Dye and Jamie Walker.

The Braves got a bug-eyed bumstick and the Royals got their only position player to start an All-Star game since Bo Jackson in 1989.

That's it. Everything you need to know about the Atlanta Braves. Enjoy the series!

Go Royals! You Gotta Love These Guys!

April 12, 2013

Rexual Healing

Hey gang, I think it's time for some levity.

This season has been amazing already. If the last four days haven't been the best days of the last twenty-seven years of your life, then you've had a better go of it than me.

I mean, sweeping the Twins-- the MINNESOTA Twins, mind you-- is like discovering fire, landing on the moon, and getting, like, 40 re-tweets, all jammed inside of one pretty unbelievable moment.


You know what this calls for?

Do you?

Some Rex Hudler, M.D.!

Because turning Rex Morgan cartoons into Rex Hudler cartoons takes me about 15 minutes... 

10 if I'm drunk... 

and I am...

so, let's do this!

Embiggen this shit, yo!
 Oooooooooh, looks like Rex is still getting his swerve on with Linda Ronstadt.

And she wants him to put a baby inside of her. 

An overly enthusiastic, baseball-clenching, catch-phrase-spouting baby.

She don't know much, Rex, but she knows she loves you.

And that may be all she needs to know.

Apologies to Aaron Neville. I'd work you into the storyline if Rex Morgan ever featured any black characters.  

It really is a racist, racist strip.

Go out-of-context quotes re-appropriated into a dumb comic for my juvenile amusement! You're the Best!

April 10, 2013

Lost Post from 9/13/2012: Twin Falls

EDITOR'S NOTE: Here's a Royales with Cheese first-- we're publishing a lost post! The Royals swept the Twins, which makes us so goddamn happy.

It didn't make Chris Parmelee happy. He joined the Witness Protection Program midway through the game Wednesday night.

Parmelee is #Delocated. Sundays on Adult Twin.

Anywho, we promised you a lost post, didn't we? Let's do that!

First, we'll give you a long explanation for why the post was never published, followed by the actual post.

On September 13, 2012, during the final game of a Royals-Twins series, a post was made to commemorate a sweep of the Twins. The Royals were on the verge of beating the Twins in Minneapolis that day to complete the rare feat, but in the eighth inning, SHIT.... GOT.... CRAZY.

The Royals were up 3-1 when Kelvin Hererra walked a guy to load the bases with two outs in the bottom of the eighth. Greg Holland came in and promptly walked in a run to make it 3-2, then struck out Justin Morneau to strand three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Holland came back out and the leadoff man, Trevor Plouffe, immediately homered to tie the game and blow the save for Holland. Dutch Oven managed to retire the next three Twins without incident to send it to extra innings.

In the top of the tenth, with one out, Alex Gordon doubled against Glen Perkins. Billy Butler came to the dish and was primed to knock Gordon in to take the lead. With the count 2-1, Perkins threw a slider over the heart of the plate. Butler didn't swing, and he told home plate umpire Mike Estabrook he thought the pitch was high. As Billy was getting back in the box, Estabrook took his mask off, walked out from behind the catcher, got in Billy's face (yes, really), and tossed him from the game.  Unsurprisingly, this was the first ejection of Butter Bill's career. You can relive the confusing sequence of events here. Tony Abreu (remember him?) came in and struck out on the next pitch. Needless to say, Gordon was still on second at the end of top of the tenth. 

In the bottom half of the frame, Francisely Bueno came in to pitch for KC and within seconds gave up back-to-back doubles to Alexi Casilla and Denard Span, ending the game and blowing the sweep.

Now, the Royals had previously swept the Twins in May of 2011. The high point of that third game was likely a mustachioed Carl Pavano losing his temper in the dugout and attempting to break a bat against a trash can. The bat didn't break, the trash can seemed unaffected, and Pavano nearly killed innocent bystander Scott Baker. You can relive the confusing sequence of events here.

This blog would have had a field day with that, but in 2011, RWC was on hiatus. I feel comfortable admitting this now: I spent the 2011 season in Tijuana trying to find myself.

Yep, I was drinking margaritas and banging senoritas (and briefly chewing peyote and banging coyotes).

It was a magical time in a young man's life.

In any case, there was no obligatory post to commemorate the 2011 sweep.

Prior to that series, the Royals hadn't swept the Twins since 1994, or in other words, SEVENTEEN YEARS PRIOR. Wins against the Twinkies have always been hard for the Royals to come by, and sweeps have been nearly impossible.

So, here now is the post created on September 13, 2012, published today to honor the sweep that just happened this week and to expunge us of that bullshit-bullpen-blown-save-Butler-ejection-Gardenhire-erection-sweep-buster game that should never have been.

I think you'll find that it was worth the wait, even if it isn't entirely accurate:

September 13, 2012

Judging by the lack of radio, internet, and TV coverage of the Royals over the last couple of weeks, it seems like most people have checked out on this season. That's too bad, because the Royals continue to play well now that nothing matters. It looks like they've just about sewn up third place, too, barring a collapse the last couple of weeks. And they could even screw the Tigers or White Sox out of division title/playoff berth before the season's over. 

Yep, life's been pretty good for the few Royals fans still paying attention. And it just got a whole lot better with a sweep over the pesky Twins.

Minnesota is a team that seems to dominate KC every year. It doesn't matter if they are in first place, last place, or somewhere in between, the Royals get beat up by the Twinkies on a consistent basis. But this week, our AAAA pitchers took it to their AAA pitchers. And Joe Mauer sitting out the series probably didn't hurt, though you could probably say the same for Francoeur not starting two of the games.

In any case, the countdown to Ron Gardenhire's shitcanning has begun, and as Royals fans, that's cause for celebration. The ridiculously rare sweep of Minnesota is cause for a ridiculously over-the-top obligatory sweep post. 

So here goes:

Sherri and Terri. 

Creepier than those dead twins from The Shining.

Or is it Shinning?

The Proclaimers.

And I would fly 500 miles,
And I would fly 500 more, 
Just to be the team that swept your asses
Right down to the cellar floor.

Zan and Jayna, the lamest Super-Friends ever.

Wonder Twin powers activate! 
Form of: Spit!
Shape of: Fainting Goat!
Form of: Urine!
Shape of: Sea Cucumber!
Form of: Sweat!
Shape of: Obese House Cat!

Twinkie the Kid.  

Just like Ron Gardenhire, his entire insides are made of an unidentifiable cream filling.

Probably the image we'll go with if by some miracle this ever happens again.

Go Royals! 85-77! You're the Best!
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