April 1, 2013

April Fools

Opening Day! Opening Day! Opening Day! Opening Day!


Opening Day!

The Royals start things off against the Chicago White Sox at U.S. Cellular Field (a stadium named after your number one reason for randomly dropped calls) and there is one big match-up that everyone is anticipating.

No, I'm not talking about James Shields vs. Chris Sale.

Or Chris Getz vs. Gordon Beckham.

Or even Sluggerrr vs. Southpaw.

I'm talking about Rex "Hurricane" Hudler vs. Ken "Yox" Harrelson.

Who will be the bigger homer? Who will use more first names only when discussing players? Who will inspire more pressings of the mute button among viewers?

Honestly, they're pretty even.

Whatever competition they face calling the game, outside of the booth these two men get along famously. In fact, Hudler and Harrelson are writing partners for a romance advice column titled "Sex Talk with Rex and Hawk" and they've answered another batch of questions for us, just in time for Opening Day. 

So sit back, relax, and strap it down:

Hey guys--

My fiancé and I just called off our wedding for the second time. Is there any reason to stay together or should we break up and get it over with?

Sad in Sedalia

Rex: Just gotta crawl back in it.

Hawk: This ballgame is o'vah!

Hi Guys--

I really want to go out with this girl but I can't read her at all. Some days she'll flirt with me and act like she likes me, and the next day she ignores me completely. Will I ever figure out dating?

Psyched Out

Rex: It's a mind game that messes with people's minds.

Hawk: Dadgum right.

Dear Idiots--

My partner has been packing on the LBs ever since we got married. Should he go on a diet or should I just give in and start gaining weight too?

Getting Squashed

Rex: Do you have the ability to dish out and swallow humble pie?

Hawk: C'mon, you gotta do some chunkin' right here.

Dear Hawk & Hud--

I'm 52 years old and twice divorced. I've been dating a lot but I'm reluctant to make a commitment. Should I give up on finding actual love at this point? I can't afford another failed marriage.

Broken Hearted and Broke as Shit

Hawk: Lookin' for it, got it, and couldn't do nothin' with it!

Rex: You can see a lot of holes out there, but it's tough to find 'em.

Dear Wonderdog and Wonderhog... er, Hawk,

I love my boyfriend, but he has no friends. It's weird. Like, not one person. Do I really want to marry someone this lame?

Dating a Loser

Rex: When in doubt, talk it out.

Hawk: Cancel the post-game show.

Dear Hawk and Rex--

My boyfriend and I aren't having sex very often, and when we do, it's not very satisfying. I think he has ED. What should we do?

Need to Get My Hole Filled

Hawk: Right size, wrong shape.

Rex: This guy is missing his ding dong.

Hey Hud and Hawk--

My partner and I are considering incorporating some new moves into our lovemaking. Do you have any suggestions?

The Kinky Friedmans

Hawk: Stretch!

Rex: I've got three words: In a tree.

Solid advice as always from these two great baseball minds. Enjoy the first series everybody!

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

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