April 10, 2013

Lost Post from 9/13/2012: Twin Falls

EDITOR'S NOTE: Here's a Royales with Cheese first-- we're publishing a lost post! The Royals swept the Twins, which makes us so goddamn happy.

It didn't make Chris Parmelee happy. He joined the Witness Protection Program midway through the game Wednesday night.

Parmelee is #Delocated. Sundays on Adult Twin.

Anywho, we promised you a lost post, didn't we? Let's do that!

First, we'll give you a long explanation for why the post was never published, followed by the actual post.

On September 13, 2012, during the final game of a Royals-Twins series, a post was made to commemorate a sweep of the Twins. The Royals were on the verge of beating the Twins in Minneapolis that day to complete the rare feat, but in the eighth inning, SHIT.... GOT.... CRAZY.

The Royals were up 3-1 when Kelvin Hererra walked a guy to load the bases with two outs in the bottom of the eighth. Greg Holland came in and promptly walked in a run to make it 3-2, then struck out Justin Morneau to strand three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Holland came back out and the leadoff man, Trevor Plouffe, immediately homered to tie the game and blow the save for Holland. Dutch Oven managed to retire the next three Twins without incident to send it to extra innings.

In the top of the tenth, with one out, Alex Gordon doubled against Glen Perkins. Billy Butler came to the dish and was primed to knock Gordon in to take the lead. With the count 2-1, Perkins threw a slider over the heart of the plate. Butler didn't swing, and he told home plate umpire Mike Estabrook he thought the pitch was high. As Billy was getting back in the box, Estabrook took his mask off, walked out from behind the catcher, got in Billy's face (yes, really), and tossed him from the game.  Unsurprisingly, this was the first ejection of Butter Bill's career. You can relive the confusing sequence of events here. Tony Abreu (remember him?) came in and struck out on the next pitch. Needless to say, Gordon was still on second at the end of top of the tenth. 

In the bottom half of the frame, Francisely Bueno came in to pitch for KC and within seconds gave up back-to-back doubles to Alexi Casilla and Denard Span, ending the game and blowing the sweep.

Now, the Royals had previously swept the Twins in May of 2011. The high point of that third game was likely a mustachioed Carl Pavano losing his temper in the dugout and attempting to break a bat against a trash can. The bat didn't break, the trash can seemed unaffected, and Pavano nearly killed innocent bystander Scott Baker. You can relive the confusing sequence of events here.

This blog would have had a field day with that, but in 2011, RWC was on hiatus. I feel comfortable admitting this now: I spent the 2011 season in Tijuana trying to find myself.

Yep, I was drinking margaritas and banging senoritas (and briefly chewing peyote and banging coyotes).

It was a magical time in a young man's life.

In any case, there was no obligatory post to commemorate the 2011 sweep.

Prior to that series, the Royals hadn't swept the Twins since 1994, or in other words, SEVENTEEN YEARS PRIOR. Wins against the Twinkies have always been hard for the Royals to come by, and sweeps have been nearly impossible.

So, here now is the post created on September 13, 2012, published today to honor the sweep that just happened this week and to expunge us of that bullshit-bullpen-blown-save-Butler-ejection-Gardenhire-erection-sweep-buster game that should never have been.

I think you'll find that it was worth the wait, even if it isn't entirely accurate:

September 13, 2012

Judging by the lack of radio, internet, and TV coverage of the Royals over the last couple of weeks, it seems like most people have checked out on this season. That's too bad, because the Royals continue to play well now that nothing matters. It looks like they've just about sewn up third place, too, barring a collapse the last couple of weeks. And they could even screw the Tigers or White Sox out of division title/playoff berth before the season's over. 

Yep, life's been pretty good for the few Royals fans still paying attention. And it just got a whole lot better with a sweep over the pesky Twins.

Minnesota is a team that seems to dominate KC every year. It doesn't matter if they are in first place, last place, or somewhere in between, the Royals get beat up by the Twinkies on a consistent basis. But this week, our AAAA pitchers took it to their AAA pitchers. And Joe Mauer sitting out the series probably didn't hurt, though you could probably say the same for Francoeur not starting two of the games.

In any case, the countdown to Ron Gardenhire's shitcanning has begun, and as Royals fans, that's cause for celebration. The ridiculously rare sweep of Minnesota is cause for a ridiculously over-the-top obligatory sweep post. 

So here goes:

Sherri and Terri. 

Creepier than those dead twins from The Shining.

Or is it Shinning?

The Proclaimers.

And I would fly 500 miles,
And I would fly 500 more, 
Just to be the team that swept your asses
Right down to the cellar floor.

Zan and Jayna, the lamest Super-Friends ever.

Wonder Twin powers activate! 
Form of: Spit!
Shape of: Fainting Goat!
Form of: Urine!
Shape of: Sea Cucumber!
Form of: Sweat!
Shape of: Obese House Cat!

Twinkie the Kid.  

Just like Ron Gardenhire, his entire insides are made of an unidentifiable cream filling.

Probably the image we'll go with if by some miracle this ever happens again.

Go Royals! 85-77! You're the Best!


  1. Thanks for reminding us that Hostess went out of business :(

  2. Didn't you hear, AC? Pabst is buying Twinkies. I shit you not!


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