April 24, 2013

Mighty KC Has Struck Out

"Twas the Night of Moustakas"

Twas a cold night in Detroit, and all through the park
The Royals needed a win, they needed a spark.
In the first Scherzer was strong and so was Davis,
But that didn't last long, soon both pitched heinous.

And though the Royals were freezing and upset at Coach Ned,
Visions of a winning streak danced in their heads.
And Perez with a single and Getz with one too,
And then three more singles, KC now up by a few!

When out on the mound there arose such a clatter,
Wade Davis was out there again, getting smoked by the batters.
And two grounders in a row rolled toward the one fans call Moose,
The first one he played fine, but the second he dropped a steaming deuce.

Wade Davis's pitches hung up in the zone,
But Yost wouldn't remove him, and the game was soon blown.
And what to Royals' fans eyes should finally appear,
But a mulleted Mexican who hadn't played in year.

More runs were to come against Mendoza,
But eventually it ended, the fourth inning was over.
KC had a shot right after that in the fifth,
Scherzer was walking guys, even the stiffs!

"Now Gordon! now, Butler! now, Hosmer and Esky!
On, Salvy! On, Frenchy! on, Cain and on Getzy!"
But with the bases loaded, all was not right,
Coming up with two outs, Moustakas suffering from blight.

Well this was a moment to regain some of his pride!
Would he hit a grand slam or would his balls shrink and hide?
He choked up on the bat, and he dug in the box,
He prayed for a double, a single, hell, even a walk.

He swung at the first pitch, outside by a foot,
And he stared at the second, right down the chute.
The fans were all yelling, cheering, drunk on their Schlitz,
The next pitch came, but Moose swung hard and missed.

And soon the commentators commented, 
Their excuses they had already cemented:
"They're just cold," Steve Physioc explained.
"Too many off days," Rex Hudler complained.

And then the game sped up, quick innings went and came,
The Royals began to realize they had lost the game.
In the ninth Detroit brought out Jose Valverde,
A player most people hate, the baseball version of Fergie.

He has a dumb goatee and yellow safety goggles,
He dances and shakes and makes boondoggles, 
Squatting and thrusting his big fat round belly,
He pops and he locks, he's no Gene Kelly.

He got his three outs, he had saved the game,
But it's April and it's the Royals, so celebrating is kind of lame.
Still, he jumped up and down while pumping his fist.
If he wasn't so stupid, I'd probably be pissed.

There were goats on this night, bad games played by many,
The announcers were bad, except for our Denny.
Ned Yost sat on his hands, Frenchy swung at bullshit,
Wade Davis was brutal, Cain missed a big hit.

But the worst, as we've seen, was the one they call Moose.
He was awful and bad, if he were a butthole he'd be loose.
He needs dropped to the minors, Omaha or Springdale,
Even if it means we have to watch Tejada, so old and so frail.

Twas a cold night in Detroit, and all through the park
The Royals needed a win, but they lost the game before dark.
KC still is in first by half a game if you haven't heard,
Unfortunately tomorrow, they'll probably be down to third.

But don't worry fans, Royales with Cheese will still be here,
Yelling "Demote Moustakas already! And to all fans a cold beer!"


  1. Disturbing. Inspired. GENIUS.

    1. Thank you! A man feels no greater vulnerability than when he's baring his soul to the world in a poem.

  2. Shawn9:31 AM

    I have a feeling middle school students in the Kansas City area will be reading and discussing this epic poem in their English classes for years to come.

  3. Just when I thought this blog couldn't get any dumber, you go and post something like this.



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