April 30, 2013

Royals vs. Cards: Name That Toon

This may have been the toughest 24 hours of the season. During the afternoon win on Sunday, it looked like the Royals were rolling, headed for a series win and maybe even a four-game sweep of a division rival. But then, for some reason, Will Smith started Sunday night's game. It seems like Smith started just because the Royals wanted to exploit the league rule that you get a 26th man for double-headers.

And on Monday night, Wade Davis (called "The key to the Myers-Shields trade" by just about everyone) put up his worst start of the year. That's discouraging, considering of his five starts, three have been pretty damn bad.

You know what always cheers me up after bad games? Looking at the ridiculous Royals baseball cards of yore.

So that's what I'm going to do.

A few weeks ago, we brought you some goofy cartoons from the backs of the 1973 Topps collection. Today, we move forward one year to share with you some of the best cartoons from the 1974 Topps series in a new edition of Royals vs. Cards. 

Here are some fun, but useless, cartoony facts about your favorite Royals!

Jim Colborn:
Jim is homeless.

Fran Healy:
Fran was signed by Indians. Not the baseball team, but honest-to-God American Indians.

Bruce Dal Canton: 
Bruce is getting his Master's degree in Bullshit.

Jim Wohlford:
 Jim doesn't have a record player, but records still have a lot to say if you just listen.
Also, Jim knows where to buy good weed.

Tommy Davis:
 Tommy sells the good weed.

Bobby Floyd:
When Bobby retires from baseball, he will have a long career working cruise ships and After Proms.

Hal McRae:
Hal is as graceful as a swan.

And knowing how to pirouette pays off when you're pissed.

 photo mcrae-phonetoss_zpsa03ab429.gif

Vada Pinson:
Vada thinks it's gonna be a long, long time / til touchdown brings him round again to find /
he's not the man they think he is at home / oh no, no, no, he's a rocket man.

Jerry Terrell:
Jerry routinely commits mail fraud.

Amos Otis:
Amos loves to jitterbug.

Harmon Killebrew:
Harmon hit so many homers that his bat turned into a giant, tattooed phallus.

Larry Gura:
Larry is a cat.

And there you have it. As of 1974, Topps was still making every player look like a boring white guy from a Hanna-Barbara cartoon.
Even the Indian.

Go Topps! Put that in your fucking pipe and smoke it!

1 comment:

  1. Rocko5:20 PM

    Bruce wrote a paper on jerking it too much.


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