May 6, 2013

Groundling Out with Elliot Johnson

This past week, Chris Getz hit the bench with a case of the sniffles.

I'm not mocking here. He literally sat out several games in a row for "allergies" in a week when the Royals already had multiple days off because of weather and dumb scheduling.

I don't mean to belittle the guy, but this sure seems pretty pussified for someone who's only defining characteristic as a ballplayer is "grit." Grit means you aren't impacted by allergies or injuries or STDs. It means you play anywhere and everywhere you can. You bunt, you steal, you dive, you run. If you have to blow your nose, you blast a snot rocket onto the dirt and then use that snot to lubricate your slide into second base on your gritty-ass steal.

Getz's absence opened the door for Player-to-be-Named-Later Elliot Johnson to take over the title of Miss Grit 2013. And he responded by playing like a beast, even while mourning the death of his favorite rapper, Chris Kelly from Kriss Kross.

Up until last week, Johnson had mostly just been doing pre-game spots for Fox Sports KC.  Because they think he's funny, I guess?

For example, in Philadelphia, he sang the theme song to "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" in front of a basketball court:

It was about as funny as it sounds.

See, Johnson isn't really funny. He's "baseball funny," which is to say, his only competition on the Royals for funniest guy is Bruce Chen, who is about as funny as a Laffy Taffy wrapper.

Yes, in the long tradition of comedians like Jim Belushi, Peter Aykroyd, Joel Murray, and Kevin Farley comes Elliot Johnson.  But he didn't always think he was funny. It wasn't until the age of twelve, when Johnson realized he bore a passing resemblance to Saturday Night Live funnyman Dana Carvey, that comedy might be an option.

A particular Dana Carvey skit on SNL-- Massive Headwound Harry-- proved to be his major inspiration. From then on, Johnson was going to the local Dollar Tree every Friday to blow his allowance on funny wigs and glasses so he could pretend to be the Church Lady, Garth Algar, and Ross Perot in school talent shows. But doing another man's famous impressions wasn't cutting it for long. Johnson had an itch to come up with his own funny personas. When he turned seventeen, he enrolled in his first improv class, and he's never looked back.

Here now, are some of Johnson's greatest characters:

Joe Crud:
He loves AC/DC, Skynyrd, and Def Lep! He has a mullet! And a mustache! And a wifebeater! Are you laughing yet!?

Catchphrase: "Life's a garden, dig it? I'm a redneck!"

White Urkel:
 Look at those glasses! And suspenders! And the bowtie! High-larious!

Catchphrase: "Got any cheese? Preferably something vegan? I'm a nerd!"

The Lindbergh Baby:
He was kidnapped as a baby! Now he's an adult baseball player, but he's never taken the tape off his mouth!
Tragedy + Time = Comedy!

Catchphrase: ". . ."

The Macklemore Brothers (With Joel Peralta): 
They are Canadian! They drink beer and watch hockey and say, "eh!" They wear "tuques!" Genius!

Catchphrase: "Take off you hoser! We're Canadians!"

Cameraman Dan:
He's a baseball player who also operates a camera! He's in two unions!
Don't you get it? It's a comedy mash-up, you idiot!

Catchphrase: "Look-at-a-me, look-at-a-meeeee.... Say Ziggy! I'm a cameraman!"

Delightful. Simply delightful.

Here's to you, Elliot Johnson. We look forward to laughing at you, not with you, for years to come.

Go Shitty Improv! You're the Best!


  1. The "say Ziggy" line in there brings back memories JR. I remember a certain photographer from my childhood in the Northland. Liberty Patriots soccer team photos, senior pictures,etc. Did JR grow up using Dice Photography as well...?

    1. You got me! I'm actually John Richard Dice of the Dice Photography Dynasty.


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