May 23, 2013

Only Skim Deep

Hey gang! I thought it was time to bring some Royals literature to this blog. I even purchased books by several current and former Royals players, coaches, and broadcasters to share with you. Over the last several months, I've glanced through most of them in blocks of five-to-ten minutes while sitting on the toilet. 

Surprise: most of them ARE better than this blog, but none of them are really very good. So instead of covering those real books, I thought it would be fun to imagine some hypothetical Royals literature instead. 

It means less time strapped to a toilet reading the same anecdotes over and over, at least.

Unfortunately, while prepping for this blog post, I found that I'm too lazy to even read a fake book. 

How can I share with you a book that does not exist and that I haven't read?

It's called the Internet, you idiot:

That's right, Snarknotes. It's like Sparknotes, only it's fake! 

To cover a book that doesn't exist, one must use a website that doesn't exist. 

Let's do this.

For our first post in this series, we'll be engaging in a cram session on
the classic made-up novel The Great Getzby:

One of the best fake novels never written. 

Just check out these quotes from the back of the book jacket:

"When Getzby gets hot, we'll ride him." -- Ned Yost

"Have a night, Getzby!" -- Rex Hudler

Read more here:" -- Ned Yos

"Gay." -- Gordon Beckham

If you don't trust these three men, then I don't know what the hell to tell you.

Plot Overview:
The novel covers the first two months or so of Getzby's 2013 season as a Kansas City Noble. Apparently the author could not get Major League Baseball to allow the use of the "Royals" name. Anyway, the novel covers this tumultuous time in Getzby's career. He's been in the big leagues for five years, has just signed his first million-dollar contract, and seems like the wildest, most carefree player on the Nobles roster.  In the first few chapters, he can often be found throwing decadent RBI Baseball gaming parties and drinking Bacardi Breezers like a Baller. But these good times in KC are really an illusion. The character doesn't have love, and despite the airs he puts on, is actually living a lie. His name is not Chris Getzby, but actually Christopher Getz, and his money has been made off deception. In truth, he has little talent and less charisma. This becomes apparent when he can't get a hit for nearly three weeks, during which time he also misses a week's worth of games due to allergies.

In the final chapter, the Nobles are playing the Houston Cosmos, and Getzby gets to lead off in a bid to win the series against one of the worst teams in baseball. He manages a walk and a hit, but he also gets picked off first base, effectively ending any chance of the Nobles winning the game. While everyone wants to go after manager Ned Yost and even bigger bums Jeff Francoeur and Mike Moustakas, Getzby takes the fall for the franchise, and loses his job to Elliot Johnson and Johnny Giavotella.

Recurring Themes/Motifs:
Getzby faceplanting while trying to slide
#FreeGio Tweets
Chimp Face
Empty Stadium Seats
The word "Grit"

Critical Analysis:
Now, unfortunately, this fake book is a work of fiction. There's probably no way Houston would ever think of changing their name to Cosmos no matter how cool that sounds. Also, there's that thing about Getz losing his job. That's not happening any time soon, but it's what makes this fake book so astounding. It concludes with the Nobles doing something the actual Royals franchise would never do in a million years: demoting/cutting a scuffling, overrated, and overvalued player. It truly would be a loss of innocence for this team were it to ever happen, but it's a move that is sorely needed.

Popular Adaptations:
  • What's Eating Gilbert Getzby? Dir. Lasse Hallström. Perf. Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, Juliette Lewis, and John C. Reilly. Paramount, 17 Dec. 1993. Film.
  • "The Great Balki." Episode #54. Perfect Strangers. Dir. Joel Zwick. Perf. Mark Linn-Baker and Bronson Pinchot. Miller-Boyett Productions, 4 Nov. 1988. Television.
  • Pink Floyd. "The Great Gig in the Sky." The Dark Side of the Moon. Capitol Records, 1973. LP.
  • Tyler Perry Presents Peeples, Dir. Tina Chism. Perf. Kerry Washington, David Alan Grier, and Craig Robinson. Lionsgate, 10 May 2013. Film.

Suggestions for Further Reading:
Herk Robinson Crusoe
Allard's Adventures in Wonderland
The Old Man and the C Prospect
George Orwell's 1985
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Players
Tuesdays with Hal Morris
BlakenStein; or, The Maudlin Promnesia
Charlie O. and the Yankee Factory
Twenty-Seven Years of Solitude

I assume we'll try to cover all of the above and more as this series continues.

If you have another fake Royals book you'd like us to Snarknote, drop us a line in the comments or via e-mail.

Yo La Tengo! Fakebook is the Best!

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