June 5, 2013

Backing the Wrong Horse

Hey gang! We're far too depressed to actually talk about the anemic Royals, so we're doing another Snarknotes!

If you'll recall, Snarknotes is the fake study guide database we turn to when we want to pretend we know how to read.

So what book did we claim to read this time? The classic coming-of-age novel about a boy and his horse, My Friend Frenchy:

A timeless tale enjoyed by young and old alike, and certainly worthy of a post on Royales with Cheese. But you don't have to take our word for it. Just check out these quotes from the back of the book!

"He's a horse." -- Bobby Cox

"You only lose for so many years until you get a plan in place and you get some horses and we’re seeing those horses develop today." -- Rex Hudler

"It was just a horseshit month of May." -- Jeff Francoeur

"Try our disgusting Horsey Sauce." -- Arby's

Plot Overview:
Dayton Moore is a young, inexperienced general manager of a baseball team. The club owner, David Glass, isn't particularly fond of Dayton, as the GM wastes millions of dollars on bums like Jose Guillen, Jason Kendall, and Willie Bloomquist, and only has historically bad baseball seasons to show for it. But in Year Five of "The Process," he comes across a wild, bug-eyed, loco mustang, and begs Glass to let him keep him. In fact, he even convinces Glass that a horse on a baseball diamond could be a great attraction for fans. The owner thinks this may finally make his GM a man, so he relents. Dayton names the horse "Frenchy," which is Esperanto for "He who gobbles carrots and taps nuts." Frenchy is broken in that spring, and he has a great first season in right field as the first horse ever to play major league baseball. The fans love him and he's actually worth the money Dayton spent.

 But Dayton soon learns that a good move can be undone by a bad one. He brings Frenchy the baseball-playing horse back for two more expensive and excruciating years, and it's about as bad as you can imagine a horse trying to play baseball could be.  The first year had been a fluke, and now the team is paying the price. As the horse's feed trough grows, his performance on the field declines. Dayton still loves him and he brushes his hair and sleeps in the stable with him every night, but David Glass decides it's finally time to put Frenchy down. Frenchy tries to run away and accidentally falls into the Surf City Wave Pool at Oceans of Fun. He would die of bleach poisoning were it not for Dayton staying in the pool with him, holding his giant toothy mouth above water. The next morning after Frenchy is rescued, he stomps his foot twice on the ground to say "Thank you" to Dayton.

In the epilogue, David Glass chooses not to shoot Frenchy. Instead, he puts the horse on a cargo plane to Paris, where he is served as haute cuisine at the 59th birthday party of President François Hollande in beautiful Élysée Palace. Dayton Moore vows never to love a horse again, then immediately trades for an alpaca named Ike Davis.

Recurring Themes/Motifs:
Outfield Assists
Bad Contracts
Mardi Gras Beads
Free Swinging
Nut Taps

Critical Analysis:
 You're very lucky we went with a parody of My Friend Flicka rather than Equus. That is all.

Popular Adaptations:
  • How to Train Your Jackass. Dir. Chris Sanders & Dean DeBlois. Perf. Jay Baruchel, Gerard Butler, and Craig Ferguson. Dreamworks Animation, 26 Mar. 2010. Film.
  • "My Friend Tootie." Episode #41. The Facts of Life. Dir. Asaad Kelada. Perf. Charlotte Rae, Kim Fields, and Nancy McKeon. 13 Jan. 1982. Television.
  • Paul Simon. "One Trick Pony." One Trick Pony. Warner Bros. Records, Aug. 1980. Audiocassette. 

Suggestions for Further Reading:
Lord of the Fly Balls
Of Mice and Mendoza
Tucker Everlasting
The Voyage of the Dumb Trader
How The Greinke Stole Christmas 
 The Prince and the Patek 
S.E. Hinton's The Outfielders 
The Island of Dayton Morneau
Green Ham & Eggs, Roll 'Em Over

That's it for this edition of Snarknotes! If you have another fake Royals book you'd like us to summarize, drop us a line in the comments or via e-mail.

Go Fiction! You're Better Than Reality!

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