June 1, 2013

Dead Giveaways

[Ed's Note: We're very happy to present to you what we hope will be the first of many posts from one of our favorite members of the Twitterati, Bellwether Johnson! Make him feel welcome, people.]

Aah, your moribund Royals are here again. This year’s Come To Play spirit has, unfortunately -- and predictably-- once again devolved into the frustrated abjection of timely double-plays, pick-offs and swinging-at-the-goddamned-first-pitch-what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-the-guy-on-first just-walked-on-five-pitches-which-is-a-fucking-marvel-in-its-own-right-good-lord-pop-out-to-shallow-right-geezis-fuck-FRENCHY-FUCK-MOTHERFUCKERRRR!!!-ness.

We’re a walking disaster; aw-shucks-ing it from city to city. It’s a miracle we haven’t concussed a batboy with an errant relay throw, but I suppose the season is still young. We’ve got plenty of time to spill over from bad to embarrassing to bewildering to I think my Frank White bobblehead is crying tears of blood. But don’t worry, folks. These are my Royals. We’ll get there.

Obviously, this does not bode well for the bottom line. I mean, we still gotta move those turnstiles and keep the money rolling in. But with the product on the field moving swiftly toward decade three of butt-stink, the powers that be must look toward more lucrative revenue streams and reel in the cash from the nuclear JoCo fams that litter the Truman Sports Complex with Ford Escapes on Buck Night. Here’s what the dreammakers in the Royals promotional department will have on sale inside the K the remainder of this summer.

Billy Butler’s That One Organic Farm That Bourdain Went To On The KC Episode of No Reservations Billy Brand Kale Chips
Image is everything for this franchise, and obviously, we can’t have Country Breakfast selling Air Bacon all over the ball field. That would just be disgusting. How many fat Raytown huskies clogging up the bases during the Sprint Fun Run does it take before someone makes a stand?

So, from the bluffs of beautiful Weston, Missouri, in the community-based farm tradition of That One Organic Farm That Bourdain Went To On The KC Episode of No Reservations comes this nutritious, vegan-friendly treat. All natural, and all delicious. Just like Billy. With the first lady on a mission to strike-out childhood obesity, our beloved DH is ready to lend his weight to this important issue.

Eric Hosmer 2011 Replica 3rd Place Rookie of the Year Ballot
Aah, those halcyon days of 2011. The air was filled with such promise. The farm system was humming. The birds were chirping. The sun was shining. India had just won the Cricket World Cup. You were in a great relationship with a girl who truly loved you if only you could admit it to yourself that you felt the same way. Aaah, well. Re-live those days with a replica of the 2011 ROY Ballot. It’ll look great next to the hot dog derby relish bobblehead.

Try not to think about Hosmer’s failure to live up to the award’s even Berroa-ian standard. Think of the good times. Not the fact that a girl actually let you drag her to the K all summer, even sticking around for a game between the Storm Chasers and Naturals to see Hos and Moose and Wil Myers and she was great why did you let her get away you moron oh geez I miss you [Redacted] COME BACK TO ME.

/realizes love life is traveling on a very Hosmerian arc
/sobs in a corner with Joni Mitchell on repeat.

The Rogue's Batbag.
That's where he kept his bat, his dirty little secret. Fat, devious, slack-jawed. his name was Moustakas. He killed my offense.

SalvySalve (Benchsteride Molinafil)
SalvySalve is a topical solution containing a mild hallucinogen that allows the user to experience psychological effects which can include unrealistic seasonal expectations, delusions of home run power, 1980’s nostalgia, an altered sense of the strike zone, and Bo Jackson idolatry.

Side effects include: Mild Andre-Gigantism, Restless Bat Syndrome, Pickofforrhea. Consult your doctor. Not for use on torn meniscus or bruised hip.

Elliot Johnson Super Tryke
I don’t know if I was more excited by any other offseason addition to the roster than I was by Elliot Johnson. I mean, an actual major leaguer who plays the infield on a tricycle!? Count me sold! Now, EJ -- or as Ned calls him, Otty -- has found scant playing time this year, but with Getzy wilting under the intense pressure of replacement-level expectations, we all-the-more-often find our hero huffin’ and-a puffin’ oh so swiftly around the infield; pedals churning in a gritty tornado of utility spunk.

Approved for ages 6-12, the EJ Super Tryke is a custom Radio Flyer made of reinforced steel. Graphite pedals and powder blue handlebar streamers are the finishing touches to a frame held together with dirt, screws, heart, SalvySalve, moxie, and butt sweat.

Also, I don’t have cable and live in an MLB.TV blackout region for the Royals, so I’ve had to listen to every game on the radio. It’s possible that Otty doesn’t play the infield on a tricycle. But I’m like, 85% sure. This is definitely not a thinly veiled and poorly executed trope to try to get JR to photoshop Elliot Johnson riding a big wheel around The K. Not at all.

[Ed’s Note: Done and done.]

So get out to The K this summer and don’t miss out on all the fun! Continue to empty your wallet! Pay no attention to the product on the field! These aren’t the professionals you’re looking for!

Only 36 more losses to sit thru before The Ashes starts!

Go cricket! You’re the best!

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