Well, this sure seemed like a good idea at the time. Between my work, my music (I’m also a musician!), and my hectic masturbation schedule, it had taken me half-past a fortnight to complete even half of the following piece of soon-to-be famous blogging lore. This is where we were when I started: An 8-20 record in May. The despirational stink of trotting out your franchise GOAT to try to fix the punch-and-judy wondertwins. Losses. To. The. Astros. #Royalling
Well, well, well. Would you look at where we are now? Ever since yours truly turned on the charm and posted on this here site on June 1st, we’re 11-3!! Not a coincidence!! Well, I should have known such things would happen, and this whole ruse now seems irrelevant; a post on whom would take over when the inevitable Dayton shitcanning happens.
Whelp, that’s no reason to scrap thirty whole minutes of work over two weeks, now is it? So I decided to finish up looking at possible future GMs. You might remember seven years ago (!!!) JR looked at GM candidates, but times have changed. I pre-emptively give this post 5 out of a possible 5 Franceours.
Pros: Super nerd-wad stat geek got his start at Baseball Prospectus, and then turned all-around super nerd-wad stat geek for the Toronto Blue Jays dynasty of the mid-2000’s. Since 2006, he’s served as ESPN’s resident baseball super nerd-wad stat geek. He has degrees in economics from Harvard and Carnegie Mellon, which, I guess is cool, if you want to be a super nerd-wad stat geek.
Cons: Klawman is an author whose articles are only available on the ESPN Insider service. That’s a pretty penny for the Glass family. Even with discounts for signing on for multiple years, you’re still charged $2.50/month. We all know how much these guys love their GMs four-five-seven-year plans. Those monthly fees add up quick.
KC Connection: Had burnt ends at Oklahoma Joe’s last year at the All Star Game. Even though it was totally awesome and the greatest BBQ, Law still said it was only average, just to piss off people on twitter.
Pros: Curveball!! (That’s a baseball term). Remember, this is the organization that once tried out a fast-pitch softball player, or at least that’s what Posnanski’s tells me. So why not? Lots of similarities between baseball and football. Both involve balls. Both involve hits. Both once involved Bo Jackson (omg Bo Jackson). Seems like a logical place to start.
KC Connection: From 1978-1982 Levy coached the Kansas City Chiefs to a 31-42 record. He’s got experience!! At losing!! Right across the parking lot!! I don’t know if the Royals would be able to pass up on somebody with that kind of resume.
Pros: The so-called “Sports Guy” has been bringing his every-man schtick to the ESPN internardz since 2001. In 2011, he started Grantland.com, a website read by know-it-all assholes all around the world. Although, he did have the foresight to get everybody’s favorite Royals Eeeyore, Rany Jazayerli, to write for him, whom Simmons will likely hire again, this time to perform monthly séances in the HyVee View Level to raise the ghost of Dan Quisenberry. Like I said: Pros. Simmons is also a notorious Boston honk, which is fine because nobody ever talks about Boston.
Cons: Simmons has notably lobbied incessantly for just about every NBA GM opening over the past decade. He’s also the self-christened “Picasso of the NBA Trade Machine” which means we’d be constantly trying to trade Tim Collins and Yordano Ventura for Chase Utley and Vin Baker’s expiring contract.
KC Connection: Curtis Leskanic pitched for the Royals in the magical 2003 season. He’s also the pitcher of record in game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, credited with the win for the Red Sox in their down-three-to-one series comeback against the Yankees, which Simmons would prolly never shut the fuck up about.
My Vacuum Cleaner
Pros: Trusty, sturdy, durable. It’s stood the test of time. Also, it’s a Dirt Devil, which, I don’t know, is probably some old baseball honkey’s go-to term for a good defensive shortstop. Let’s be honest here. It couldn’t do much worse than what we’ve had the past 25 years...right? RIGHT??
Cons: It sucks (PUN!!).
KC Connection: It was purchased by my mother in Kansas City as a Christmas present. But it is red, and them there's Cardinals colors. We don't take kindly to Cardinals around here.
Pros: In 2006, the former Mariners star (?) was shown the door by ESPN for a, quote, “pattern of sexual harassment,” which, let’s face it, is pretty damn hard to do at ESPN. Well, tradition runs deep at the Bristol fraternity of baseball idiots, as Steve Phillips was shitcanned less than three years later for banging PAs. That’s the type of organizational consistency lacking in KC. (And if you’re scoring at home, yes, I just listed Harold Reynolds’ ‘pattern of sexual harassment’ as a pro).
Cons: Reynolds is the head lieutenant in today’s Anti-Mother’s-Basementers Brigade, dismissing statistics as mere poppycock by deriding newfangled evidence of baseball goodness like OBP and applauding time-honored nonsense like pitcher wins. He should be able to step in day one and not miss a beat.
KC Connection: He was once famously gunned down in a game by Bo Jackson (omg Bo Jackson).
Pros: Hey, at least I didn’t say Allard Baird.
Go Dayton!! You're the best!!