June 26, 2013

Pixel Perfect

Last week we showed you the first batch of video games authorized by David Glass to feature Royals players. Unfortunately, Glass's knowledge of video games only goes to the 8-bit era. Since that's the last time the Royals were relevant, though, it seems to work just fine.

Today we have the next group of games given the Royal treatment. It's time for another edition of RPGs!

First we have an update of the Nintendo classic Kung Fu. That's right: Cain Fu!

Lorenzo Cain goes from stage to stage kicking the shit out of purple-vested/purple-haired/purple-shoed dipshits. He's got the moves to do it easily: speed, strength, and agility. However, the major challenge of the game is that every fifth level, Cain has to sit off-screen doing nothing while game players are forced to control Jarrod Dyson, Jeff Francoeur, or David Lough, each with, let's just say, a less complete set of skills. It's sad how often playing one of those other guys can cost you the game.
Oh well! Gotta keep Cain rested, right?

Our next game is based on one of my favorites, Faxanadu.

In Rexanadu, you control a moronic serf named Reximus Huddlington as he travels across a medieval landscape. His mission is to unite the baseball fanatic elves with the casual baseball fan dwarves using rhyming language spells, ecstatic moans and grunts, and magic potions made of bongwater. If those fail, he'll beat his enemies over the head with his blunt sword of obviousness. The game is almost as monotonous and annoying as the real thing!

Next up: Q*Berry!

In Q*Berry, you control recent waiver-wire pickup Quintin Berry. His giant head and tiny little legs jump from cube to cube, attempting to turn them all blue. When he completes enough game boards, he gets another shot at the big leagues. Unfortunately, Q*Berry is nearly impossible to control, and you're much more likely to make him jump right off the side of the game board than do anything remotely worthwhile.

Next, we have the game probably everyone saw coming since last week, Dysonic the Hypehog.

The man does one thing and he does it well: runs. Now you can control his blazing super-speed through multiple levels in which you collect gold rings. Unfortunately, these rings are only the kind you can buy at Jared's, not World Series rings. But get enough, and Dysonic the Hypehog will become the perfect one-tool character to build your sad, go-nowhere franchise around. Because who needs wins when you got wheelz?!

Lastly, we have one of the more bizarre games approved by David Glass:

Hochi's Cookie is the first puzzle game featuring a formerly popular baseball star! What's puzzling about it? How about everything! Luke Hochevar is Hochi, a prehistoric baseball dinosaur who uses his tongue to bake up cookies. Of course, "cookies" is baseball lingo for pitches that are easy to hit, like straight fastballs and hanging breaking balls. Bake up enough of these cookies and you'll somehow still end up getting millions of points and more video game spinoffs because sucking is the new currency! The only winning move is not to play, but these are the Royals, so you know this bearded bitch is playing. A lot.

That's it for this edition of Royal-Playing Games. We'll have some more for you soon.

Go Q*Bert! You're the @!#?@!

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous4:38 PM

    I disagree. Donkey Kong is the best game ever.


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