July 16, 2013

Charlie Husker

Alex Gordon is my favorite current Royals player. He should be everyone's favorite current Royals player. Because he IS the Kansas City Royals.

He grew up a Royals fan in Nebraska. He got shit on his first few years in the league because he wasn't THE BEST PLAYER EVER. And now he is a really damn good player, but most fans outside of Kansas City don't know it. He's hardworking, loyal, and underrated as hell. If there's a poster boy for the franchise, for the city, it's him.

So we congratulate him on his first appearance as an All-Star. He's deserved it for a few years now. We also congratulate Salvador Perez and Greg Holland, both standouts at their positions this year. It's crazy that the Royals had three legitimate all-stars (and Shields deserved it, too, if you want to throw him in), and yet the team is decidedly mediocre. Clearly there is a lot of talent on this team, but they are streaky as hell. Good stretch, bad stretch, good stretch, bad stretch. Something we were told wouldn't happen this year. But that's the Royals. Breaking promises and hearts for a quarter of a century. We should be happy and sad for Alex Gordon, I think. He's been a Royals fan his whole life, just like the rest of us.

I started off so well, didn't I? Stupid Royals and their stupid losing bring out my pessimism when I should be celebrating. 

ALEX GORDON IS AN ALL-STAR FOR GOD'S SAKE. 

A ROYALS FAN GREW UP TO BE A ROYAL. 

AND NOW HE'S AN ALL-STAR. 

CEL-A-BRATE-GOOD-TIMES-C'MON!

Okay, that's enough of that.

As much as we love Alex, it's his turn to get his baseball cards mocked. That's right, it's a new
Royals vs. Cards: Alex Gordon edition!

Let's look at some of the worst baseball cards featuring the best Royal:


2008 Topps Co-Signers #40:
Holographic Billy Butler peers through the plaid refractor and pleads, "Help me, Alex Gordon, you're my only hope."



2008 Topps Triple Threads Relic #42
When you think of the best players in Royals history, you think of George Brett, Alex Gordon, then 148 other guys, and then Brian Bannister.



2010 Topps Heritage #119:
In 2010, these Royals® Bashers combined to hit 13 home runs! 

BASHERS!



2013 Topps Opening Day #PH-25:
Unfortunately, instead of capturing the moment a split second earlier of Gordon making an amazing diving catch, Topps chose to use the picture from a split second after he banged his face into the ground. That's why his expression looks like he accidentally got shit in his mouth. Or as Rex Hudler calls it, a "Trevor Turd."



2008 Upper Deck Premier Stitchings #AG:
I'd make a Boxing Helena joke here, but nobody would get it.



2012 Topps Silk Collection #154:
In case you thought Topps might be running out of ideas, here's Alex Gordon's image on the fabric that comes out of a worm's butthole.



2013 Panini Triple Play Baseball #33:
Go Team Venture!



2007 Topps Turkey Red #29:
Two things most people don't notice about Alex Gordon, but the painter got it right: 1) Gordon wears a diaper that is so full of shit it droops down to his knees, and 2) the top and bottom halves of Alex Gordon's body rarely face the same direction. He's like an action figure. A shitty-diaper-wearing, oddly contorted action figure.



And finally....

2013 Topps Gypsy Queen #141:
Here's Alex Gordon making sweet love to a fence.

Yep.

Sorry.

Go Alex Gordon! Keep Making Us Proud!


1 comment:

  1. Great stuff. Alex is the man and those cards are hilarious.

    ReplyDelete

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