July 24, 2013

Look Ma, No Skin!

Those bastards at Nike have done it again.

No, I'm not talking about forcing children to sew sneakers in sweatshops.

I'm talking about their goofy MLB-licensed t-shirts.

Last year, we got all pissy because Nike's "Hairitage" shirts, those that featured baseball players' goofy hairstyles and/or facial hair, failed to feature any Royals players. We tried to fix that, but we got tired after just two posts. We'll probably try again at some point.

Anyway, this year Nike has started selling "Herotage" shirts, which sounds a lot like they came up with the name first and then had to figure out the concept.

And what is that concept?

Well, near as I can figure, Nike is basically doing the same thing as the Hairitage shirts, but full body shots of players instead of just heads. They are still blurring out the skin, but that now means both faces and arms. 

So basically, they look like if the Invisible Man played baseball.

Here's the Nike Herotage for Bryce Harper:

That's a clown t-shirt, bro.

You might be asking, "Should we really be calling Bryce Harper a hero?" 

Or perhaps you're asking, "How does a guy in just his second year, playing for a team that less than a decade ago was in Montreal, represent the spirit of heritage?"

Or, if you're like me, you're still asking, "Herotage? Really? That's the name they came up with?"

In any case, Nike has completely ignored the Royals again with these shirts. 

The first batch of designs mostly features players from teams in New York, Los Angeles, or Boston.

Shocking, I know.

But Royales with Cheese is going to do something about it.

That's right, we'll be making our own Herotage designs.

Suck it, Nike.

And what Royal better exemplifies the nonsensical word "Herotage" than the greatest Royal ever,
Carlos Danger?

Wait, I mean George Brett.


We have four George Brett Herotage shirts for you today.

First up, the classic George Brett swing:


Next, we celebrate the George Brett Pine Tar Incident. July 24th is the 30th anniversary of Billy Martin and the Yankees trying to screw over Brett and the Royals on a technicality.

Here's Brett rushing from the dugout, fully prepared to murder umpire Tim McClelland:


Next, we have George Brett's final game in Kansas City, one of my favorite Royal memories, when he kissed home plate:


And finally, we end with maybe the most important aspect of George Brett's career-- the fact that he was kissed on the field on two separate occasions by Morganna the Kissing Bandit.

Talk about Herotage:


Actually, Brett upped the total to three kisses when he went to the strip club wear Morganna
worked in Baltimore, jumped up on stage, and surprised her with a kiss.

That's some Carlos Danger shit right there.

We'll be back soon with more of our knockoff Herotage shirts.

Until then...

Go George Brett! Suck It, Nike!

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