September 10, 2013

Do the Cathode Ray

If you're a Royals fan (and why the hell else would you be reading the garbage on this site if you weren't), the only thing you've looked forward to in recent Septembers is the merciful end to another awful baseball season. But things have been interesting this year. We're pushing mid-September, and the Royals are not yet eliminated from Wild Card contention.

But even if the Royals don't make the playoffs, you can rest assured that you'll see them on TV a lot in the coming months. Why? Because just as he did last fall, David Glass has outsourced his Royals for a number of television programs.

Here are some of the hottest shows premiering in Fall 2013:

Fridays at 9:30/8:30 central on CBS:
Hosmer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

 Eric Hosmer, stud first-baseman of the Royals, decides to give up life in the big leagues when he enlists in the United States Marine Corps. What he doesn't realize is that the same day he joins the military, his former manager Ned Yost decides to also go back to life as a drill sergeant. Every week, you'll see the good-natured but idiotic Private Hosmer drive the ill-tempered Sgt. Yost crazy with his goofy antics. In one episode, Hosmer won't jump out of an airplane because he's scared of heights! In another, he gets recruited for the USO show and to everyone's surprise, delivers a knockout rendition of "Amazing Grace!" And don't miss the very special episode in which Hosmer reunites Yost with his long-lost high-school sweetheart. "Gee whiz, Sgt. Yost," Hosmer grins, "t'weren't nothin! Shazam!"

Tuesdays at 9:30/8:30 central on FOX:
The Mendy Project

Are you a romantic? Are you awkward? Do you have a head full of beautiful black hair? Then this comedy series is for you! Luis Mendoza, a young relief pitcher, struggles to balance his personal and professional life in a Royals bullpen full of wacky co-workers. Will he keep his job? Will he find love? Will this lightweight workplace comedy bring in female viewers age 18-39? You bet your head full of beautiful black hair it will!

Saturdays at 8:30/7:30 AM central on ABC:
The Carroll Bears

Pointless trade acquisition Jamey Carroll finally makes himself useful! In this Saturday morning kids show, he plays a gaggle of adorable bears who live on the roof of a magical supermarket half a mile from Kauffman Stadium named Save-A-Lot. Each week, the ooey-gooey Carroll Bears find themselves battling cold-hearted villains like Professor Win Shares and Lord No Talent, who threaten to end their good times and steady paycheck. Viewer discretion is advised.

Sundays at 1:00/Noon central on SPEED:
The Dayton .500

It's the craziest race ever devised: 43 cars line up at the previously abandoned I-70 Speedway and race for as long as Dayton Moore has been General Manager of a sub-500 team. That means we've got seven-long years (at least) of watching cars go around and around in circles, which sadly, may provide more entertainment than Royals seasons that featured players like Ross Gload, Scott Elarton, Brett Tomko, Vin Mazzaro, and Joey Gathright. The odds of any of the drivers surviving a seven-year race are slim, but you could have said the same thing about Dayton's career with the Royals, and he's still kicking. Even has a race named after him now. What have you ever done with your life?

That's it for this batch of new shows. Don't forget to set your DVR!

Go Carroll Bears! You're Really Creepy!

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