March 30, 2013

AC Talks About a Page From His 1993 Kansas City Royals Yearbook - Don't Leave Home Without It


Hello sports fans! Opening Day is nearly upon us, and I know all of our readers are hungry for in-depth analysis of this 2013 squad as we prepare to start the season. Unfortunately, I cannot satisfy your appetite. I have not paid attention to anything this spring.

But what I can do is take you to a place where the Coors Light flows like wine. A place where it’s still Royals Stadium, all the seats are orange, and Winston cigarette banners titivate the fountain spectacular. A place where Food Barn sponsors all the best giveaways. A place where people complain "Jeez, the Royals haven't been good for like six years."

I’m talking about a little place, or time, rather, called Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Three. That’s right, it’s time to revisit the forgettable blog post from last season called AC Talks About a Page From His 1993 Yearbook.

Let’s get right to it. Here we go. Gonna open this thing up. Nowhammynowhammynowhammy and stop.


Pages 38-39. A half-assed, black & white this-is-about-to-go-to-print American Express local business ad and the player bio for Chris Gwynn. Not the greatest draw. Readers are certainly bouncing off the site right about now. But in order to preserve the integrity of the concept, I’ll go with it. Let's discuss page 38.


This is the least compelling print advertisement I have ever seen. As you will notice, it highlights several Kansas City area restaurants that are suggested as postgame fan hangouts. Now, I run the risk of exposing myself as a poser, but I have never been to some of these places and in fact never heard of few. Do these places still exist? Has the economic principle of creative destruction been at work over the past 20 years, clearing the way for new and exciting Kansas City dining and nightlife? Let's find out.

1. RC's Restaurant & Lounge

RC's and their famous fried chicken is still going strong. They even have RC cola on tap. Good for them. Let me know when you're LC's BBQ.

2. Ponak's Mexican Kitchen & Bar

In spanish, ponak means "to drive under the influence." Ponak's has been helping Royals fans drown their sorrows in "The World's Best Margarita's On Tap" for years and years. It's not a country breakfast, but who doesn't like a good burrito?

3. VECO Italian Restaurant - CLOSED

This is now an asian noodle place called Koi Blue. Probably still as good a postgame hotspot as an italian restaurant.

4. Rodehouse [sic] Restaurant & Lounge - CLOSED

Surprised I can't find anything on this place. According to the business card it won a black ribbon at some point.

5. Margarita's Authentic Mexican Food

Yeah, yeah, we've all been here and we've all heard their radio commercials on Mix 93.3.

6. Tanner's Bar & Grill

Still going strong. Now with 10 locations to serve you.

7. Whisker Rivey's - CLOSED

This place sounds great, but it's long gone. Apparently they had great nachos.

8. Jasper's

Mmmm. Cannoli.

9. Charlie Charlie's - CLOSED

This live jazz venue is now an Indian joint called Taj Palace.

10. JJ's Restaurant - CLOSED

No jokes here. This place received national coverage when a February explosion leveled the restaurant and caused a fatality.

11. Chappell's Restaurant & Lounge

Goes without saying. Chappell's is alive and well.

So there you have it everyone. Kansas City in 1993 is a lot like Kansas City in 2013.

Go 1993 Royals! You've got Rusty Meacham! Let's go to a Mexican restaurant and talk about the game!

   

March 28, 2013

I'm Gummy, Dammit!

You know what word we need to bring back? 

Dickweed.

What a great word.

I miss it.

Dickweed.

Try to call someone a dickweed today. You'll be glad you did.

Yep.

If you thought that was random, wait until you see the rest of this post.

It's the beginning of a new series I'm calling "Royals Without Teeth."

Check it out, dickweed:


  


 






Is it Opening Day yet?

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

March 26, 2013

MEME GUSTA PARTE DOS

Last night, I watched the Royals destroy Zack Greinke and Rex Hudler destroy the English language. It was amazing. I can't wait for the season to begin.

In the meantime, I've got to keep cranking out content for this stupid blog, so I'll go the easy route once again and post a bunch more Royals memes.  If you missed Part One of this series, check it out here.

As for this edition, I must warn you. Things get a little NSFW.









Oh Sluggerrr, how could you? She has a perm!

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

March 22, 2013

Phrasestorming

Last year, we (and just about every other Royals fan) made a big stink about the 2012 Royals slogan, "Our Time." It was a clear miscalculation on the part of the team's marketing department.

The Royals spent much of the first two weeks of the season shitting themselves silly, turning the slogan into joke after joke after joke--

Error Time

Bar Time

Sour Time

Injury Time

Bed Time

and, of course

Save the Clock Tower Time


The Royals haven't been to the playoffs since 1985? Great Scott!

As you're probably aware, the slogan for the 2013 Royals season is "Come to Play."

Which, I think you'll agree with me here, is confusing and therefore awful.




Come.

To.

Play.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN!? WHAT IS THE IMPLICATION!? I CAN'T READ!?

No really, I'm not sure I get what this is saying and to whom this message is being delivered.

Is it for fans? Are fans going to come to games to play?

Like, if I show up and Jeff Francoeur has a sinus infection, I might get to play right field?  Because I'm not confident in my baseball skills. I mean, I'm not confident in Francoeur's baseball skills either, but at least he has his own uniform and isn't drunk before the game starts.

At least I think he's not.

Is the slogan for the Royals themselves?

Like the higher ups realized that the problem for the last 27 or so years was the fact that nobody told the team they should actually come to games ready to play? They practice and play games together for a month in Arizona, then continue to practice and play games together in Kansas City and around the country for six more months, but nobody ever told these guys they should actually put forth some effort?

If that's the case, why isn't the slogan "Come to Win"? Because that might be more of the kick in the ass that they need.

Or how about "Come to Win or Go to Hell! YOU GO STRAIGHT TO HELL, LOSERS!"

I know if my boss told me that, I'd probably try a little bit harder.

Or quit.

I'd probably quit.

But that would at least get my lazy, uncommitted ass off the payroll.

NEXT POSSIBLE SCENARIO/COMEDIC RIFF:

Is the slogan for the Royals' opponents?

This one somehow makes the most and least sense to me. Like, hey Orioles or Twins or Astros or whoever, you best come to play, bitches.

But why would they be trying to promote their home games for opponents? That seems to be the one demographic that they won't have any problem getting to show up to the games.

"HEY YANKEES, COME TO PLAY!"

"HEY ROYALS, THAT'S WHAT THE SCHEDULE SAYS, SO I GUESS WE HAVE TO BE THERE! THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, THOUGH! SEE YOU FRIDAY!"

A final possible option is that we're seeing the fifth step in a six-step process of the Royals transforming themselves from a major league ballclub into a daycare center.

Step One: Fireworks

Step Two: Sluggerrr

Step Three: The Little K

Step Four: Carousel

Step Five: Kid-Friendly Slogan

Step Six: Contract team. Become daycare.


Trust the process.

To be honest, my mind simply can't figure out this slogan, what it means, and to whom it appeals.

When I think of "Come to Play," my mind always adds another word:

Out.

As in "Come Out to Play."

You're probably thinking of that shitty faux-punk band with the needless definite article The Offspring.

HOW DARE YOU.

Besides, that was the grammatically incorrect "Come out AND play." Don't you remember anything?

The correct answer, of course, is this:



"ROYEEEEEEEEALS! COME OUT TO PLAAAAAAAEEEEEEEAYYYYY!"

If they don't put that shit on CrownVision at some point this year, I'm going to be very upset.

Go Warriors! You're the Best!

March 19, 2013

Help!... It's the Hair Berry Bunch!

Last Friday, the Tampa Bay Rays held an event called "Fortune Favors The Bald." Manager Joe Maddon, along with players like Jeremy Hellickson and Luke Scott, and even team owner Stuart Sternberg, shaved their heads to raise money and awareness for Pediatric Cancer Research. A total of 65 members of the Tampa Bay organization got haircuts, and even Michael Young from the visiting Phillies underwent the clippers. If you'd like to get involved, text the word "Cut" to 50555 to make a $10 donation or visit pcfcutforacure.org. This was the second year in a row the Rays have held the event, and following last year's 90-win season, it seems like fortune, and likely karma, really do favor the bald.

On the other side of the country, the Royals are also trying to raise awareness for a cause they view as noble. At today's game in Surprise with the Rockies, the Royals will hold a similar event titled "Fortune Favors The Call." Their goal is to raise awareness for the recent film release, The Call.

In the movie, Halle Berry plays a 911 Telephone Dispatcher who finds herself tangling with a psychotic serial killer. It's seen as something of a comeback film for Berry, who following an Oscar win over a decade ago for Monster's Ball has mostly starred in a series of box office bombs like Catwoman and Movie 43, effectively ruining her career.

"She's still gorgeous," Manager Ned Yost said, "even if her films are crap. But this one looks okay, so why not do something to raise awareness for it?"

Explaining the event through a translator, backup infielder Miguel Tejada said, "Anything we can do to help a talented, beautiful actress like Ms. Berry is worth doing. My own career peaked years ago, so I can really identify with getting a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth chance of being a star."

Right fielder Jeff Francoeur agreed, saying, "You can't forget how great someone used to be. Too many people say that it's not worth watching or supporting someone who has failed you or let you down over and over again like I have... I mean, like Halle Berry... um... has. But... yeah. People should really go see The Call. I hear it's not bad for a spring release."

Indeed, the movie has already exceeded expectations, finishing second at the box office in its first weekend. "With this promotion," pitcher Jeremy Guthrie said, "we hope we can make it number one."

For the event, 46 members of the Royals organization have been outfitted with permed wigs, similar to Berry's bizarre poodle hairstyle in the film.

"We wore green hats for St. Patrick's Day," third baseman Mike Moustakas said, "which doesn't even make sense because most of us hate Irish people. But we all love Halle Berry, so we're down with these wigs."

"Curly hair look real funny on dudes," stated pitcher Everett Teaford. He thought for a moment, then burst into laughter. "I think they kinda look like pubes."

We couldn't agree more with Teaford. In fact, Royales with Cheese has some exclusive photos of some of the participants that we'd like to share with you now:
 







 Incredible promotion, guys. If you'd like to get involved, text the word "Perm" to KL50555 to make a $10 donation or visit call-movie.com/site.

* * *

On a sidenote, Luke Hochevar, who was recently moved to the bullpen, took us aside while we were meeting with players about this event. He is one of a handful of Royals  who has chosen not to participate in the "Fortune Favors the Call" promotion.

"Yeah, Halle's made some good movies like B*A*P*S and Gothika," he said, "but to be honest, I think if people are going to the movies this week, you're best bet is The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. And you can quote me on that."

Don't worry, Luke. We got your back.



Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

March 17, 2013

It's Pats!

St. Patrick's Day is weird. Think about it: a bunch of people have been getting drunk this weekend not because it's the weekend, but because of a holiday that isn't even legally a holiday in the United States. If you need an excuse to drink, you're an idiot. Do it because you want to, not because it's March 17th and you think alcohol is the only thing that defines an entire culture.

Aside from the drinking, people are also doing insanely irrational things that nobody in his or her right mind would do drunk or sober: going to parades, eating cabbage, watching crap like The Boondock Saints, and wearing hats that are the green version of a sports team's normal hat.

It's really embarrassing.

Now that that's off my chest, we can get to more important things, like the overabundance of players named Pat in Royals history.

Seriously, they've had a lot of dudes named Pat.

A lot.

Pat Tabler. Pat Sheridan. Pat Kelly. Pat Borders. Pat Rapp. Pat Lennon. Ed Kirkpatrick. Marty Pattin. Pat Boone. Pat Sajak. Patty Hearst. Patrick Star. Pat Nixon. Patrick Bateman. Pat Summerall. Peppermint Patty... 

So who is your favorite Pat?

Pat Tabler (1988-1990)

A former first-round draft pick, nicknamed "Mr. Clutch." Tabler was acquired in a trade with Cleveland for Bud Black. He hit 11 homers in 1987 for the Indians, but over the next three years with KC, he only hit four total. Also, he looks like if Phil Simms and Boomer Esiason had a baby and then peed on it.


Pat Sheridan (1981, 1983-1985)

Won a ring with KC in 1985 as a part-time player. With the glasses and stache, he looks like a pederast by today's standards, but in the early-mid-1980s, he just looked like your dad.


Pat Lennon (1996)

Was a first-round pick by the Mariners in 1986, and basically the definition of a bust. A year later, Seattle would do a better job with their first pick, taking Ken Griffey, Jr. By the time Lennon came to KC, he'd already washed out of four organizations. But at the Royals home opener against the Red Sox, it was Lennon who had the walk-off hit off Jeff Suppan in the 12th inning, making him a big-league hero, at least for a day. Of course, Lennon was only a Royal for about three more weeks, playing in 14 games before being released.


Pat Rapp (1998)

Somehow lasted a decade in the bigs as a pretty mediocre starter. Went 12-13 with a 5.30 ERA as a starter in his one season in Kansas City. At the time, I often referred to him as Fat Rapp and/or Pat Crap because I was a comedic genius.


Pat Borders (1995)

A major part of the Blue Jays World Series teams in 1992 and 1993, Borders came to KC as a free agent in 1995 but couldn't beat out Brent Mayne to be the starting catcher. Above, you'll see him in his Toronto heyday looking a lot like Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Below, you'll see a bald Kirk Gibson pancaking the shit out of him.  He was traded to the Astros halfway through his one season in Kansas City and went on to play for nine more teams. Bizarre sidenote: in the 2000 Sydney Olympics, Borders, Doug Mientkiewicz, and Chris George won gold medals as part of Team USA. Weird.



Pat Kelly (1969-1970)

Taken by the Royals in the 1968 expansion draft. He had good speed, but otherwise was fairly average. Traded in 1970 to the White Sox where he had an All-Star season in '73. He doesn't really count as a Pat, since his first name is really Harold, so he's disqualified from the vote. And I've just wasted 15 seconds of your time.


St. Pat's Selection Sunday:

Pat Who?
  
 
It's a damn shame Freddie Patek's name isn't pronounced differently.

Happy St. Patek's Day, everybody!

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

March 12, 2013

MEME GUSTA


 Greetings, Royals fans! I worked really hard to write a post that was chock full of in-depth analysis about the James Shields/Wil Myers trade.

Then I realized nobody gave a shit what I thought about a trade that happened months ago, so I just made some stupid memes instead.  I think this is for the best.

Enjoy:

 





ONLY TWENTY MORE DAYS!

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

March 10, 2013

Who are these idiots anyway?

What is Royales with Cheese? 

Just a bunch of lifelong Royals fans who maintain our interest in this team by making shitty jokes and shittier photoshops. 

(This isn't us.)

If you want recaps or previews of games, go to Yahoo, Royals.com, the Star, or any number of Royals blogs that specialize in that stuff. We pride ourselves on commenting as little on the games as possible. Those other guys can have the Google News hits, we'll take the Google Image hits.

Here's the team:
 
Yours Truly. Created Royales with Cheese in 2006 and only intermittently posted. In February of 2012, I recruited some friends to help me revive the blog and we've been going strong ever since.

Proved himself a capable snarkist in his first season last year. He specializes in talking about Royals players from the 90s. Because that's extremely important information.

 Goes by Neil Sedaka for some reason. I guess he's an old Jewish singer-songwriter. I don't know, I've never met him.

Not the real Emil, but a reasonable facsimile. Based on the real Emil's reviews on Royals.com.

This asshole lives in Texas. Of the three posts he's written, one has been about the White Sox and one has been about the Chiefs. With 33% of his posts actually about the Royals, he has a higher average than the rest of the us.

For some reason, comics aren't just for nerds anymore. Or maybe there are just a shitload more nerds than there used to be. Either way, Uncle Stan's got ya covered!

Has written a few posts for us. Frankly, this guy is full of shit.

Feel free to join the conversation by commenting on posts, following us on Facebook or Twitter, or e-mailing your love letters or hate mail directly to RoyalesWithCheese at gmail dot com.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!
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