July 31, 2013

Memetics 101

Hey Royals fans! I'm actually traveling right now, so don't expect any great analysis if a trade goes down today (like it would have been great, anyway). Obviously a post was published today (you're reading it) and I have a post ready for Friday, but they won't contain any topical info because they were written before the trade deadline. I might tweet if something happens because I'm hopelessly addicted to Twitter, but don't expect me to post anything here about any trades.

However, I hate not having my opinions heard, so I'll just say that whatever Dayton Moore decided to do in regards to the trade deadline, I am probably outraged.

------

Please select whichever choice is most applicable for what actually happened:

A) Why the hell didn't he trade Player X at his peak value?

B) How the hell could he not dump Player Z when teams actually want him for some reason?

C) Why the hell did he trade Player A (or Players A, B, and/or C)? And for such a shitty return?!

D) Why the hell did he trade for Player Q (or Players Q, R, and/or S)? Doesn't he realize this hurts the team for next year?

E) Any combination of the above choices.

------

Phew. Feels good to get that off my chest.

All right, let's get our minds off this terrible trade/non-trade that Dayton did/didn't make with some hilarious Royals Memes!
















And finally:




Go James Shields! You're the Butt!


July 30, 2013

Emil Previews More of the Summer 2013 Films

Its been a good long summer for me and there is still a month left of summer! I have eat ice cream and shot fireworks off and caught glowbugs and walk barefoot in the grass! But now this next month name August is here and its usually hotter then hell on earth so a good idea now is to go see a movie. Too bad a lot of the August movies are the worse summer movies but we'll see when I look at this first group of August movies in this blog!


The movies you got to pick from to see for the next two weeks are these movies!


The 2 Guns (August 2)
Marky Mark and Denzel dress up as clowns and rob a bank but it turn out both of them are cops and also morans. Now Bill Pullman wants to kill them for the money they stole. Marky Mark and Denzel each of the good guys got a gun and they in the dessert with these guns arguing and shit talking on each other. Will one of the guns go off and kill somebody? I hope so!




Perry Saturn and the Sea Monster (August 7)
This the second movie of the kid who is good at fighting with swards and knives. He is like Harry Potter but is not a witch but he is a Greek God name Percy! This kid is friends with goat boys and horse men and a cute girl who prolly also got weird animal parts the commerical don't show. These Greek kids got to get to the ocean so they can find the gold fleece to save the world from a water dragon or something.




Ellysium (August 9)
Matt Damon is bald in the future and getting bossed round by some dumb robots. Earf got turn into a shit planet so the rich folk made a new planet call Ellysium up in space. Then Matt Damon becomes part robot and tries to help get all the poor folk on Earf to invade Ellysium to steal the rich folks cancer curing machine. There is a lot of fighting and shooting and it look pretty cool. One thing this movie finally prove is that Matt Damon is not as pretty as Emil with no hair!




The Disney Plains (August 9)
This movie is like the movies Cars and Cars 2 but now instead of Cars they are Plains. One of them is name Dusty (Dame Cook) and he wants to fly and be a racing plain which I ain't never heard of something like that. But he learns how to race and make some friends and falls in love with a pink plain. It looks real cute. I hope next they make Boats bout a boat who learn how to win a boat race.




Meet the Millers (August 9)
Jason Sudakis and Jennifer Amnesty pretend to be marry and have two kids so they can brang a ton of chronic across from Mexico in a Winnebago. But then they got so much weed that Mexican gangs and the goverment chase them and try to kill them for this weed. Also, Jennifer strips her cloths and shows off her bra and panties in this movie and who don't like that? Prolly her dad!





Lee Daniel's The Butler (August 16)
This is the true story of the Butler (Forrest Whitaker) who is a butler who work for all the presidents in history. In the movie the Butler kicks it with JFK, Dr. King, Ronald Regan, and Oprah Winfrey. This movie show how great America is but also how America got to struggle to be great and this will make your heart grow bigger as you watch it! You will learn that even if you got a lazy eye you can do great things like serve food to presidents.





Kick Ass 2 (August 16)
The first Kick Ass is a real violent movie with a teenage kid who becomes a superhero event though he don't have powers and gets his ass kicked alot. He got help from a little girl name Hit Girl who could fight and murder people real good. It's real funny cuz people get there arms cut off and they get blowed up and its crazy. Now this is the next Kick Ass movie and McLoving is the bad guy and there are more wannabe superheros running round even Jim Carry being a GI Joe guy who makes a dog bite a guy's balls off. Ow that has got to hurt!




Jobs (August 16)
The guy who invented Macintosh computers and cellphones Steve Jobs, died from cancer a couple years ago and now they allready got a movie bout him starring Kelso from The 70s Show. First Steve Jobs was a hippie then he maked some computers then they fired him from the company then he come back and made cellphones and wore turtlenecks. Sound pretty boring to me but people love nerds and cellphones so maybe you will like this.




The Paranoia (August 16)
This movie is a thriller bout a guy who got a sick dad and don't want to get fired by his boss so he decides to be a spy for a cell phone company and spies on another cell phone company for the first company. This gets him a lot of money but then the cell phone companies find out and they want to murder him. Also the goverment finds out and now they want him to go to jail for spying even though I just found out Obama been spying on us in real life. This movie gone have a lot of layers like a onion or a gobstomper.


OK that is all the movies for the next two weeks I only got to let you know about the last two weeks of August then summer movies are done for one year! Make the most of the summer and see some movies!

Go Summer Movies! You're the Best!


July 28, 2013

Grey Expectations

The Royals have strung together their second six-game winning streak of the season to get back to .500. Unfortunately for them, the Tigers and Indians have been nearly as hot over the last week and the Royals still find themselves seven games off the lead. So while this has been an awesome climb back to average baseball, it hasn't really been a climb in the standings. While it isn't inconceivable to think the Royals could fight for a wild card or even a division title, it's highly, highly unlikely that they will.

Yes, this happened this year:



But so did this (and more recently):


Teams that spend 68 days under .500 rarely, if ever, make the playoffs.

I know I'm being a wet blanket (i.e. realistic), so let's move onto happier (i.e. less realistic) thoughts.

The Royals have the day off Monday, then get to play the Twins and Mets for the next six games. In fact, the Royals play the Twins nine times over the next month, and they also get a three game series with the Marlins, so there is a decent chance of them getting (and staying) over .500 for a while if they can beat the teams worse than them. They also have a decent chunk of games against the two teams ahead of them in the division; over the final two months of the season, the Royals have eleven games with the Tigers and six with the Indians, which could help them make up some ground.

So yeah, it's not inconceivable. A week ago Dayton Moore basically set (or reset?) the team's goal to .500. And now that that's more likely, he may go all in, trading for some offense and hoping the pitching & defense hold up. But this is the Royals, and as a fan who has watched nearly every game over the last 28 playoff-free years, I'll believe it when I see it. I still think they should begin preparing for 2014, but I would be elated if they could somehow succeed this year without ruining their chances the next couple of years.

Anywho, this is all just speculation (and ineffectual speculation at that), so it's ultimately pointless. 

So why did I write it?

And why are you reading it?

What's that?

You just came for the obligatory sweep post?

Sorry. You're right.

I'll get on with that.

Last August, the Royals swept the White Sox in Kansas City, and we posted this silly graphic:


But that makes the White Sox seem too cute, too lovable, too unworthy of our hatred. 

And that's not right. 

I don't like the White Sox. You don't like the White Sox. So what's with the adorable sock puppet?

We need a new White Sox sweep graphic, one worthy of the disdain we feel for the South Side.

And I think I've got just the thing:


Not good enough? 

How about a close-up?


*Shudder*

What an awful, ugly man.

That'll do nicely.

Go to Hell, William Ligue, Jr.! You're the Worst!



July 26, 2013

Bellwether's Guide to the Royals on Radio: Part 2

Sometimes baseball is exciting. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes you’re raised in a town with a rich baseball tradition of developing premier talent, public sentiment, and world championships. And sometimes you’re raised in a town with a franchise that takes every step possible, at every turn, to squander such traditions.

Regardless of which baseball team you root for, the rules remain the same; nine innings, three outs apiece. So what does that mean for you, the humble listener of baseball on the radio? Well, that means at least -- at least -- seventeen breaks in the action, not counting pitching changes, injuries acquired via errant relay throw, or the visiting team (often) leading in the 9th.

Which leads to... horrible, horrible commercials which will be bored again and again into your skull, and through sheer repetition you will know them as parents know their children, and resent them as such.

Here are some of my favorites from this year:


The Missouri Help Quitline

Apparently, the Missouri Help Quitline is a telephone number that you can call in the state of Missouri which gives you helpful hints and tips to quit smoking, which I assume probably comes down to “buy some gum” and “don’t smoke.” I’m sure there’s some B.S. government studies which justify its existence and most likely heftier-than-it-should-be price tag to the taxpayer such that the only thing that I keep thinking about every time I listen to it is Ron Swanson.


But politics aside, the commercial is just awful. Billy Butler and Mo Gov. Jay Nixon exalt the virtues of the quitline, giving advice on how to quit smoking. It’s such great advice that despite having heard it approx. 8,000 times, I still can’t remember any if it except the very end, where Jay and Billy recite the tagline (Strike. Out. Smoking. In. Missouri -- get it?) with a bunch of elementary school students who were apparently there the entire time.

So there’s your lesson kids. It’s not cool to smoke, but you can still clog your arteries with nitrate-laden pork product smothered in highly caloric barbecue sauce.


Kicker Country Stampede

Those who follow me on Twitter know that I am something of an audiophile. I’m quick to drop a link to youtube video just to prove to you how much more awesome my taste in music is than yours.

I’m basically these guys.

So it should come as no surprise to anyone that this commercial -- in between every freaking half-inning -- drives me up a goddamn wall. In case you didn’t know, The Kicker Country Stampede “...could be the hottest ticket of the summer!!”; a celebration of shit-kickin’ ho-down good ole’ boy over-produced country schlock sung by guys with pedicures and their own line of puka-shell necklaces. You know: country.

The headlining act this year was Miranda Lambert, a person whom I couldn’t pick out of a lineup that consisted of her and Ronald McDonald. In order to solve the mystery of who was pummeling my eardrums every night with chicken fart music clips that are supposed to entice me to travel to outside Manhattan KS and listen live, I enlisted the help of a girl I work with. She’s in her mid-20’s, drives a Chevy Cruze, and still has her mother pay her credit card bills. You know: country.

Me: Who the fuck is Miranda Lambert?

Her: She’s married to Blake Shelton!!

Me: Who the fuck is Blake Shelton?

Her: [gouges my eyes out with a ballpoint pen]

Thankfully, the Stampede was in late June, so I don’t have to be waterboarded with invitations to a ho-down anymore this season. But! The Kicker Country Stampede was such a success that it’s already coming back, and from April-July 2014, I’ll be inundated with commercials for the Kicker Country Stampede featuring, I don’t know, probably Bill Engvall and that guy from Real World 2.


Bro-ish Booze ads

There are several of these over-libido-ized spots that appear throughout your average broadcast, and while on television, your booze ads can rely on well worn archetypes such as boobs, dumb guys chasing after boobs, and talking animals next to boobs, the radio spots’ lack of visuals creates a vicious cycle of repetitive tropes that bludgeons you to death with bro-ness.

Without the creative safety net of female anatomy, radio booze ads are forced to convince us that it is our damned birthright as bros to drink the booze together. There is some sort of Jungian Collective Bro, a great mountain top Bro Lama who must be appeased by you sacrificing your good taste by guzzling down overpriced piss water with other HPV-laden comrades.

For example, want to drink Captain Morgan? You must first acknowledge adherence to the memory of Henry Morgan, the most Bro-ish of all 15th century Dutch privateers, who -- if you believe the commercial you hear six times a game -- sailed all over the world in the 1600's bedding Hooters waitresses. In actuality, he went around plundering settlements along the Spanish Main, killing natives and new-world-ers alike. During one such slaughter-filled expedition several of his sailors got drunk on shit rum and accidentally set off explosives, sinking the fleet’s flagship. Actually, okay, I take it back. Kudos to the ad guys on that one. That’s pretty accurate branding.


The Sonic Guys


Small confession. Love the Sonic Guys; the two lovable loofs who, oblivious to things like taste buds or glycemic index, spend all their time at the Sonic Drive-In discussing Bell’s Spaceship Paradox, Vivaldi Concertos, and the collected works of William Faulkner.

But basically I love the guys because they’re dumb and kinda funny and the ads themselves were the creation of a Kansas City ad agency and I don’t know. Look, I listen to shitty baseball on the radio and seem to enjoy that, so why not enjoy ads for shitty food while I’m at it?



Tompkins Industries 

In my time as a Royals fan, I've probably heard more commercials for Tompkins Industries than any other company, and I still have absolutely no idea what the hell they do. Well, I take that back. I know -- possibly verbatim -- that "Tompkins Industries is Kansas City’s home for adapters, hoses, and gaskets for Industrial Accessories and Original Equipment Manufacturers with locations in Olathe and North Kansas City." Again, I have no idea what that means. This must be what Hud feels like when someone tries to explain to him how to calculate OPS.

Still, I’m sure there’s a lot of blue collar dudes that listen to Royals radio broadcast that rely on the quick, award-winning service that Tompkins provides. But, seriously, are there a surplus of these types of stores around? Is there an incredible amount of competition that necessitates spending probably multiple thousands of dollars on radio advertising each year when none of said competition finds it essential to do so? Who knows.

All I know is that writing this will cause fate to frown on me, and soon I’ll be ironically in an Edgar Allen Poe-type life and death situation where the only thing that can possibly save me is a Reverse-Thread Forged Steel 37° JIC Union Cross Joint Flange Adapter, and I won’t for the life of me remember where I can find one.



Shawnee Mission Kia Jen

PSYCH!!

Shawnee Mission Kia does not ever broadcast commercials on the radio... and it just now occurs to me that I could have saved every minute that I wasted typing this up by simply letting you know that at the beginning.

Oh well.

Go Philo T Farnsworth! You’re the best!



July 24, 2013

Look Ma, No Skin!

Those bastards at Nike have done it again.

No, I'm not talking about forcing children to sew sneakers in sweatshops.

I'm talking about their goofy MLB-licensed t-shirts.

Last year, we got all pissy because Nike's "Hairitage" shirts, those that featured baseball players' goofy hairstyles and/or facial hair, failed to feature any Royals players. We tried to fix that, but we got tired after just two posts. We'll probably try again at some point.

Anyway, this year Nike has started selling "Herotage" shirts, which sounds a lot like they came up with the name first and then had to figure out the concept.

And what is that concept?

Well, near as I can figure, Nike is basically doing the same thing as the Hairitage shirts, but full body shots of players instead of just heads. They are still blurring out the skin, but that now means both faces and arms. 

So basically, they look like if the Invisible Man played baseball.

Here's the Nike Herotage for Bryce Harper:


That's a clown t-shirt, bro.

You might be asking, "Should we really be calling Bryce Harper a hero?" 

Or perhaps you're asking, "How does a guy in just his second year, playing for a team that less than a decade ago was in Montreal, represent the spirit of heritage?"

Or, if you're like me, you're still asking, "Herotage? Really? That's the name they came up with?"

In any case, Nike has completely ignored the Royals again with these shirts. 

The first batch of designs mostly features players from teams in New York, Los Angeles, or Boston.

Shocking, I know.

But Royales with Cheese is going to do something about it.

That's right, we'll be making our own Herotage designs.

Suck it, Nike.

And what Royal better exemplifies the nonsensical word "Herotage" than the greatest Royal ever,
Carlos Danger?

Wait, I mean George Brett.

Yep.

We have four George Brett Herotage shirts for you today.

First up, the classic George Brett swing:


Beautiful.


Next, we celebrate the George Brett Pine Tar Incident. July 24th is the 30th anniversary of Billy Martin and the Yankees trying to screw over Brett and the Royals on a technicality.

Here's Brett rushing from the dugout, fully prepared to murder umpire Tim McClelland:


Badass.


Next, we have George Brett's final game in Kansas City, one of my favorite Royal memories, when he kissed home plate:


Breathtaking.


And finally, we end with maybe the most important aspect of George Brett's career-- the fact that he was kissed on the field on two separate occasions by Morganna the Kissing Bandit.

Talk about Herotage:


Balling.

Actually, Brett upped the total to three kisses when he went to the strip club wear Morganna
worked in Baltimore, jumped up on stage, and surprised her with a kiss.

That's some Carlos Danger shit right there.

We'll be back soon with more of our knockoff Herotage shirts.

Until then...

Go George Brett! Suck It, Nike!



July 22, 2013

Executive Decision

Hello Sports Fans! The second half is underway and off to a good start, with a series win against the division leading Detroit Tigers. Even better, today offers us a free [unauthorized] lesson from the prestigious Yost School of Management.

Wins against division opponents are always important. Often though, victories against these rival clubs are tough to come by. For me, these are also the games in which Ned Yost’s managerial shortcomings are magnified.

When Jim Leyland goes to the bench for a pinch-hitter, it generally makes sense. When Ron Gardenhire calls for a bunt, I understand why. When Terry Francona brings in a situational lefty, he’s following the scouting report perfectly. When Robin Ventura starts Brent Morel… okay, Ventura is a bad example, but I think I’ve made my point.

These guys know baseball. They play the odds, much like a disciplined card player. Their moves don’t always succeed, but they stand the best chance to do so.

Ned Yost, in contrast, rarely does anything that makes sense. The batting order. Substitutions. Situational hitting. You name it. Perhaps the most baffling part of Yost’s decision making is reserved for the pitching staff.

The Royals’ bullpen is one of the best in baseball. Home to All-Stars Greg Holland and Aaron Crow.

Not to mention volunteer first-responder Bruce Chen.

But leave it to Ned to over-utilize, under-utilize, or just plain guess when it comes to his team of relievers.

Here’s the thing, though: it turns out Ned isn’t guessing at all. When it comes to the pitching staff, Yost relies on a strict decision analysis chart during every game.

I know this is hard to comprehend. Ned Yost is one of the great minds in baseball. He used to play catcher and wore very nerdy glasses. He must manage purely on instinct.

Nope.

He uses this chart:



And this chart sucks.

Now you know why this guy leads the team in appearances.


Jesus H. Yost.

Go Tim Collins! You're the Best!



July 18, 2013

Turn Those Boos Into Booze!

I have some great news for everybody. Dayton Moore has decreed that any moves made before the trading deadline will be to win this year. He says in the final seventy games, this team has a good run in it and he thinks it can finish .500. 

Because .500, you guys! 

.500! 

As Rex Hudler said back in April, "A .500 season for the team? That's what you want. It's perfect."

Dayton Moore says we owe it to this group of players to try to win this year. You know, players like Bruce Chen, Luke Hochevar, Elliot Johnson, Wade Davis, and George Kottaras. Those men are winners and they deserve to have a record that reflects that.

That's why Dayton Moore picked up Pedro Ciriaco. He's now in his fifth organization in three years, but he's a winner, too. And we owe it to him to try to win this year.

Saturday, July 20th, is Relish Night at Kauffman Stadium. It may be a condiment, but it's a winner. We owe it to Relish to try to win this year.

Because calling someone or something a winner inherently makes it true, even if all the evidence in the world proves the opposite.

Go right ahead and try to act like the rest of this season matters, Dayton. You could trade Santana for a piece or two that might make the difference next year, but apparently you won't. You could get Ned to play Giavotella every game the rest of the way to finally determine if he's our second baseman or not, but you won't. Better yet, you could fire Ned and get a competent manager in here to get him acclimated to the team and players before next year, but you won't.

2013 isn't the year, Dayton. It never was. Just admit it and prepare for 2014. Because if you don't, 2014 likely won't be the year, either.

Most Royals fans have accepted the end, but Dayton Moore hasn't.

What are those fans to do?

The answer, obviously, is get drunk.

And luckily for you, we've got some swell Royals Recipes to help you spend the rest of the 2013 season in a drunken fog.

My wife and I spent an evening getting shitfaced to test out the various alcoholic beverages contained inside the Royals 1976 Cookbook. We found three in addition to George Brett's Fine Wine, but there was no way we were trying that again.

Here are the first two from Earl Smith, Royals Lancer and a member of the team's Board of Directors.

He's got some low-calorie drinks to get you drunk but keep you from becoming a bloated mess:


Here's are your ingredients for the Sparkling Gin Claret:


Honestly, I'm not sure if Earl meant Lemon-Lime Soda or if Lemon Soda was just easier to get back in the 70s. Either way, we worked with what we had.

And here are our Sparkling Gin Clarets:


These were mildly sweet, with three distinct (i.e. poorly mixed) flavors. First was gin, then wine, then the sweet aftertaste. It has a girly color, but doesn't taste quite as girly as it looks. We didn't follow directions very well because we didn't use three glasses, forgot to chill the soda, couldn't find our shaker, and forgot to make enough ice, resulting in a drink that was probably not as good as it should have been.

If you're wondering how we mixed it, this GIF from Goonies may help explain things:

 photo mouth-goonies_zpsb41de2db.gif

In any case, the Sparkling Gin Claret definitely tasted low-calorie, since the diet soda took up much of the glass. In other words, it tasted like warm diet soda with gin and cheap wine in it.

Not very good.

We even tried to add some actual lemon, but that didn't help much.


RATINGS:

Wife: 2.5/5 Ned Yosts

Me: 3.5/5 Dan Glasses


Next up, we made Rum Cocktail Coffee. Here are the ingredients:


You'll notice we didn't have fresh nutmeg, which probably was a bit of a difference maker. But by this time, we had found the shaker, so we thought things would even out.

Here are our Rum Coffee Cocktails:


They don't look bad, but my wife and I both about gagged upon drinking them. Hers tasted like straight rum and mine like black coffee. Not exactly what you would expect looking at them.

We then mixed our drinks together into a bigger glass and shared it, and that helped immensely.

Still, it wasn't great. Sort of like a bland Black Russian (a Bland Russian?). I guess that's what you get when you use Jamacian rum and coffee instead of Kahlua and vodka.

We decided to add some Hy-Vee Delecta (assuming that's the modern equivalent of Sucaryl), but that made it sickeningly sweet. It was really quite gross, and definitely a mucous maker.

RATINGS:

Wife: 4/5 Ned Yosts

Me: 4/5 Hochevars


Hey Earl Smith, can you defend yourself and these shitty low-calorie cocktails?


Thanks, dad.

Alright, we have one more alcoholic beverage recipe in the book, and it was submitted by the Royals Stadium Club bartender, Harry S.M. Bates, Jr.

 


Yes, the Tumbleweed ala Stadium Club. Sounds amazing and high calorie! Just what the doctor ordered. This bartender knew what he was doing, even if Harry S.M. Bates, Jr. sounds like a porn star's name.

Here are the ingredients:


You'll notice we did use frozen yogurt instead of ice cream, and I'd argue it didn't make a difference. So there is one way of making this drink slightly healthier, which might even satisfy old Earl Smith, though I doubt it.

Here are the finished Tumbleweeds, served in some vintage 1976 Royals glassware:


Maybe it was the calories, maybe it was Mark Littell & George Brett's faces, maybe it was the fact that we were already drunk off the other cocktails, but HOLY SHIT were these delicious.

Like a milkshake with booze in it. Basically, it's amazing.

RATINGS:

Both my wife and I gave it 10/10 Alex Gordons!


What say you, Harry S.M. Bates, Jr?

(There was no picture of Harry S.M. Bates, Jr. in the book. Sorry.)

Remember Royals fans, when you're trying to figure out what makes the rest of this season worth watching, booze is the answer.

Go Alcohol! You're my MVP!


July 16, 2013

Charlie Husker

Alex Gordon is my favorite current Royals player. He should be everyone's favorite current Royals player. Because he IS the Kansas City Royals.

He grew up a Royals fan in Nebraska. He got shit on his first few years in the league because he wasn't THE BEST PLAYER EVER. And now he is a really damn good player, but most fans outside of Kansas City don't know it. He's hardworking, loyal, and underrated as hell. If there's a poster boy for the franchise, for the city, it's him.

So we congratulate him on his first appearance as an All-Star. He's deserved it for a few years now. We also congratulate Salvador Perez and Greg Holland, both standouts at their positions this year. It's crazy that the Royals had three legitimate all-stars (and Shields deserved it, too, if you want to throw him in), and yet the team is decidedly mediocre. Clearly there is a lot of talent on this team, but they are streaky as hell. Good stretch, bad stretch, good stretch, bad stretch. Something we were told wouldn't happen this year. But that's the Royals. Breaking promises and hearts for a quarter of a century. We should be happy and sad for Alex Gordon, I think. He's been a Royals fan his whole life, just like the rest of us.

I started off so well, didn't I? Stupid Royals and their stupid losing bring out my pessimism when I should be celebrating. 

ALEX GORDON IS AN ALL-STAR FOR GOD'S SAKE. 

A ROYALS FAN GREW UP TO BE A ROYAL. 

AND NOW HE'S AN ALL-STAR. 

CEL-A-BRATE-GOOD-TIMES-C'MON!

Okay, that's enough of that.

As much as we love Alex, it's his turn to get his baseball cards mocked. That's right, it's a new
Royals vs. Cards: Alex Gordon edition!

Let's look at some of the worst baseball cards featuring the best Royal:


2008 Topps Co-Signers #40:
Holographic Billy Butler peers through the plaid refractor and pleads, "Help me, Alex Gordon, you're my only hope."



2008 Topps Triple Threads Relic #42
When you think of the best players in Royals history, you think of George Brett, Alex Gordon, then 148 other guys, and then Brian Bannister.



2010 Topps Heritage #119:
In 2010, these Royals® Bashers combined to hit 13 home runs! 

BASHERS!



2013 Topps Opening Day #PH-25:
Unfortunately, instead of capturing the moment a split second earlier of Gordon making an amazing diving catch, Topps chose to use the picture from a split second after he banged his face into the ground. That's why his expression looks like he accidentally got shit in his mouth. Or as Rex Hudler calls it, a "Trevor Turd."



2008 Upper Deck Premier Stitchings #AG:
I'd make a Boxing Helena joke here, but nobody would get it.



2012 Topps Silk Collection #154:
In case you thought Topps might be running out of ideas, here's Alex Gordon's image on the fabric that comes out of a worm's butthole.



2013 Panini Triple Play Baseball #33:
Go Team Venture!



2007 Topps Turkey Red #29:
Two things most people don't notice about Alex Gordon, but the painter got it right: 1) Gordon wears a diaper that is so full of shit it droops down to his knees, and 2) the top and bottom halves of Alex Gordon's body rarely face the same direction. He's like an action figure. A shitty-diaper-wearing, oddly contorted action figure.



And finally....

2013 Topps Gypsy Queen #141:
Here's Alex Gordon making sweet love to a fence.

Yep.

Sorry.

Go Alex Gordon! Keep Making Us Proud!


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