October 30, 2014

Cheese Epilogue


The Royals made the playoffs this year.

The Royals won an insane Wild-Card game.

The Royals won eight straight playoff games to get to the World Series.

The Royals took the San Francisco Giants to the seventh game of the World Series.

Then, the Royals lost.

It was a disappointing ending to a completely unexpected and wonderful post-season.

But I'm a man of my word.

Back in early September I promised I'd stop ragging on the current team if they made the playoffs. I know their success has nothing to do with me, but I also know they didn't deserve all the shit I flung at them over the last four or six or eight years of this stupid blog.


So this blog is going on hiatus, sort of.

I won't go away completely, but I'm going to try very hard to not talk about the current Royals on here anymore, and certainly not in a derisive way (though there's always twitter). I still have Royals recipes and goofy baseball cards and novelty records to share on this blog, but posts will be very infrequent from here on out, I imagine.

Thanks to everyone who has ever taken the time to read anything on this page. It means a lot to me that a few people have enjoyed some of the words I've written or the pictures I've made.

Thanks especially to those of you who have taken the time to contribute content to the blog, even though you were never compensated for it and never will be. I'd love it if you want to keep posting here, but I understand if you want to take this as an opportunity to move on to other things.

What else?

I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't give the fake Emil Brown a chance to say goodbye.

He's been one of our longest running and least successful jokes on this blog, so it's only fair to give him one final moment to ruin any good will we've built up.

What do you have for us this time, old friend?


Oh boy.

Goodbye, Emil. Thanks for making me laugh that one time. You'll always be one of my favorite Royals.

See the rest of you guys sometime in 2015.

Let's not wait another 29 years to do this again.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

October 28, 2014

WELCOME GREAT PUMPKIN

The Royals are in the World Series!

They're currently trailing three games to two, but I'm feeling surprisingly zen about the whole thing.

I mean, they're in the World Series!

If they don't pull it out, I'm okay with it. 

Really.

I'm honestly still feeling a weird mix of confusion and elation that they've made it so far when they hadn't done anything in the previous twenty-eight seasons.

I was fully prepared to go the rest of my life without seeing the Royals ever play in a World Series.

Really.

I didn't even expect them to win the wild card game, so everything this post-season has been gravy.

Even if they lose the World Series, I'll be happy. It's an incredible accomplishment for a team that had Chris Getz and Jeff Francoeur on it as recently as last season.

And look at me! Posting dumb shit to Royales with Cheese on October 28th! 

Confusing! 

Elating!

Anyway, I'm hoping this isn't a one-year-only deal and that the Royals have several more Octobers to come.

But just in case this is it, I better get a Royals Recipe uploaded that only really works for this time of year.

You know what I'm talking about. It's October, the month when pumpkin flavoring makes its way into anything edible, from coffee to cookies to crêpes to Country Crock.


Now that the Royals are relevant during the Halloween season, it only makes sense that we join the pumpkin party. And luckily, Muriel Kauffman was way ahead of us in her 1980 submission to the Royals Recipe book.

Here are Mrs. K's Frozen Pumpkin Squares:


According to Mrs. K, this recipe solves the problem of what to serve when you have a big crowd at your house. So if you're taking in Game 6 (and hopefully Game 7?) at su casa this week and all your rowdy pumpkin-loving friends are coming over, she's got just the thing.

Here are your ingredients:


Of course, we have the requisite sugar substitute, as well as frozen yogurt rather than ice cream, because my wife and I are giant vaginas.

Here are some disgusting pictures of the process:

















At this point, I'd like to point out that Muriel's belief that 36 ginger snaps would be enough for two layers is a little misguided. Maybe ginger snaps have greatly reduced in size over the last 34 years? Maybe these hard discs aren't the sort of ginger snaps she even wants us to use? She probably wanted us to bake real ones and use those.

In any case, one layer alone of the store-bought type ended up being 40 ginger snaps:







Next, we have an unnecessary look at the top/inside of our freezer. Probably just as you imagined it, with a Bo Jackson Puppet Kooler and handle of Tito's Vodka resting on top and inside a bunch of ice cream trays nestled in a broken ice-maker.


And cut to five hours later...









Overall, these were delicious. Pumpkinny, cold, and creamy. The pecans, unfortunately, overwhelm the flavor at times (and provide a bit too much roughage to the texture), but Muriel's Frozen Pumpkin Squares were pretty damn good. 

Next time we make this, we'll probably cut the nuts in half or entirely and have an amazing dessert.

RATINGS:

Me: 4.5 out of 5

The Wife: 1.5 out of 5 Hudlers (the fewer Hudlers, the better, of course)

Thanks for the delicious fall treat, Mrs. K. Do you have any final words before the game tonight?


Couldn't have said it better myself.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

October 15, 2014

American League Champions


The Kansas City Royals are going to the World Series.


Obligatory Sweep Graphic #1:



Obligatory Sweep Graphic #2:



Obligatory Sweep Graphic #3:


And I think we all remember what the Royals did to the Giants this year

Though I wouldn't mind making a sweep graphic for the Cardinals, either.

Go Royals! 12-0! You're the Best!

October 5, 2014

RWC Post #360

I didn't realize how dead inside the last twenty-nine years had made me.

Scratch that.

I was pretty aware.

It was a carbuncle on my soul.

But I'm over it.

How could I not be?

The Royals are good.

And life as a Royals fan is good.

Let's celebrate with the guy who we all wish was still around to see this.



Go Royals! 12-0! You're the Best!

September 8, 2014

Bellwether's Guide to the American League Central: Detroit

Here it is, Royals fans, it comes down to this. Final month of the season. The home stretch. I was hoping to pull everything together; to grab for glory using the best of my abilities; to use everything that I’ve learned over the past two years writing for this site; to give it my all and write the best damn RWC post that I’m capable of.


Well, instead of doing all that, I unfortunately look once again completely outmatched and over my head and will have to grit it out, relying on my strengths (fart jokes, poop jokes) while completely whiffing on all other fronts (astute analysis, coherence). Basically, I have a 2-0 lead in the third off of errors and unearned runs, and I’m trying to fight thru the final seven innings with a tired, depleted bullpen while giving Eric Hosmer four at-bats a game. But that, sports fans, is why we love September baseball.


So, without further adieu, the final chapter in our look at our American League Central opponents: DETROIT.  


What’s a Detroit?


Detroit is French for “a toilet”


Can you give us some fun facts?


I don’t know. What do you want to look at? The 78,000 abandoned structures within the city limits? The fact that 60% of children there live below the poverty line? Or that over half of high school graduates are unemployed.


Years and years and years of deliciously corrupt union bosses and politicians colluding on collective bargaining agreements and pensions that didn’t have a prayer of being funded properly are finally coming home to roost as the city -- yes the city itself -- has declared bankruptcy.


But, hey, at least city officials haven’t lost their zeal for screwing over the populous, agreeing to fork over $285 million (again, the city is fucking bankrupt) to build a new stadium for the Red Wings. At least they were able to fleece enough out of their not-then-empty coffers to replace decrepit Tiger Stadium when they had a chance.


So, yeah. Detroit’s a toilet.


Okay, so are there any, like, good things about it?


With apologies to Seattle, Nashville, LA, NY, Chicago, Austin, Minneapolis and Athens, GA, Detroit is the absolute 100% greatest music town in the US. No contest. Smokey Robinson, Death, Diana Ross, Iggy Pop, Eminem, Ted Nugent, Aretha Franklin, Jack White, Marvin Gaye, FUCKING DeBARGE the list goes on-and-on.


But, of course, both the music industry and the automobile industry -- the two things that Detroit is known for -- are completely in the shitter.


I guess it just goes to show that when an industry is unable to adapt to the consumption changes of a populous and in turn pivot strategy in an ever expanding and competitive marketplace, it will increasingly rely on not innovation, but lowest-common-denominator shilling on the blind hope that someone, anyone will take anything resembling a genuine interest in your product. And that, my friends, is how we got Kid Rock. And the Chevrolet Cruze. And Kid Rock selling the Chevrolet Cruze.Fuck, Detroit. Get it together, man.


They got a baseball team there, right?


They do!


What are they called?


The Tigers!


Ferocious!


I know! One of the original charter franchises of the new American League, they were founded in 1901, when the game was just a game. When the patrons wore their Sunday Best to the ballpark,when the strongest PED was the hotdog, and when ballplayers were super racist! Like Ty Cobb! There is some debate about exactly how super racist the Tiger great was, but when I think of Ty Cobb, I picture him not rounding the first base to stretch a single into a double, I picture him beating a black elevator operator to death with his own shoe (which I’m sure is a story I heard about him one time that is also 100% true). But don’t look down on me for thinking that. I also picture him biting Kid Rock’s nose off.


So how are they at baseballin?


Pretty good! At least the last few years. It’s pretty insane to think that as bad as the Royals have been the past decade, Detroit’s bottom was even lower than ours, coming one loss short of the Major League record in 2003 by taking 119 in the right hand column. But don’t cry too hard for them. GM Dave Dombrowski quickly instituted the Everyone In Our Town Is Unemployed And The City Itself Has No Money So Let’s Spend A Billion Dollars And Acquire A Buttload Of Overpriced Talent strategy, and has had the Tigers in the World Series twice in the last decade.


So that’s what we’re up against. David vs Goliath. Chaminade vs Virginia. Buster Douglas vs Mike Tyson. Christina Aguilera vs Britney Spears. Let’s make it count. Go Fucking Royals.



COMPREHENSIVE SCOUTING REPORT

THOME.png
Jim Thome
Jim Thome is 112 years old and still plays for the Tigers, and also every other team in the major leagues


MIGGY.jpg
Miguel Cabrera
Won the baseball Triple Crown in 2012. Won the DUI Triple Crown in 2011 by blowing twice the legal limit, drinking in front of officers, and doing so while wearing hospital scrubs.


VERLANDER.jpg
Justin Verlander
Likes to take selfies with naked fat chicks


JOBA.jpg
Joba Chamberlain
A homely elf who weighs 716 lbs


TORII.jpg
Torii Hunter
Remember when Dayton tried to sign Torii Hunter in 2008 and the Angels offered him like $800mil and everyone was like “lol good he ain’t worth that much” and we traded for Joey Gathright instead and all Torii’s done is hit .287/.345/./460 in the seven years since?


KINSLER.jpg
Ian Kinsler
2nd baseman w/ clearly less swag than Torii


MANAGER.jpg
Former Shitty White Catcher From The ‘90’s
Manager

September 4, 2014

Lifetime of Losing Presents: Mother, May I Sweep With Rangers?

Royals be sweeping! Royals be sweeping! You cannot stop the Royals from sweeping!

When KC previously swept the Texas Rangers in 2012, we posted a not-so-timely graphic featuring a bearded idiot.

But now it's 2014 and Chuck Norris is even more passé.

We've got to step up our game.

So this one's for you, Rangers. It's got all your favorites-- Smith, Rick, and J. Audubon Woodlore:


YEAH! PARK RANGERS! THAT SHIT'S EVERGREEN!

Ahem.

By my count, this is the eighth obligatory sweep post of the season.

Think about that. The Royals have had EIGHT sweeps in 2014.

Which leads me to something I've been thinking about for a while.

What's the point of this blog anymore?

Roughly a sixth of the posts this year have been about the Royals beating the hell out of other teams...

 That doesn't exactly fit the ethos of this website.

So, if winning their first AL Central title ever and making the playoffs for the first time in 29 years isn't a strong enough incentive, let me throw this out there for the Royals:

I'm willing to end this thing. 

Win the division, and Royales with Cheese goes on hiatus.

Maybe for good.

Well, probably not for good. I have a shitload of Royals novelty songs and Royals recipes and other Royals ephemera to share.

But I can do that stuff pretty sparingly. Especially if the team is good. I won't have to post about Rex Hudler's jackassery or Billy Butler's gut or Moose's mouth-breathing if the team is good. Because that shit won't matter anymore.

Go to the playoffs, and RWC turns into just an occasional pop-in to share some goofy Royals stuff from the past. It's no longer a forum to chastise Dayton Moore or David Glass or Ned Yost. I'll just occasionally write something to let you know I'm still alive and still a Royals fan.

Bellwether and AC (if they don't get poached to join Royals Review like every other Royals blogger in the world) can still write here about whatever they want, because they're fucking ballers.

But no more snark about the current team from JR.

I swear.

Can we make that deal?

Can you win this and end this?

I hope you do.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

August 29, 2014

Some Punny Title about TV and/or the Royals

Hey everybody! I made some funny pictures about the Royals being on TV shows because I do things like that sometimes. Usually I'd write a lot of jokes and puns and stuff connecting the Royals to these shows, but it's Labor Day weekend so I'll just go meta and save us all some time.

Let's do this: 

Something something TV! Something something Royals! Something something Royals TV!

Here are the shows!

Kratz's Creatures (Weekdays at 4:30/3:30 central on PBS):
Jokes and puns about Erik Kratz and lemur puppets and PBS and shit.


Ibañeza (Sundays at 9/8 central on NBC):
Jokes and puns about Bonanza and Raul Ibañez and Billy Butler and Little Ho AKA Greg Holland and cowboys and Hop Sing and shit.


Punky Bruceter (Sundays at 7/6 central on NBC):
Jokes and puns about Bruce Chen and Punky Brewster and Soleil Moon Frye growing up to be hot as shit and shit.


Yost in Space (Wednesdays at 7:30/6:30 central on CBS):
Ned Yost is a dick. Send his ass to space and shit.

There you go.

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend, everybody!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

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