March 29, 2014

Edentulism Part II

Only 48 hours until Opening Day!

To celebrate, here's another edition of Royals Without Teeth. 




Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

March 26, 2014

Hunk of Hosmer? Yes, please!

Hello, ladies!

It’s time to bring in a feminine perspective to the world of Royals blogging. It’s bad enough we don’t have our own Royalettes baseball team (tiaras, anyone?), and ladies are sneeringly patronized on stadium “ladies’ nights” and Mother’s Day events (ladies are an important part of EVERY game, guys!)—why can’t we be represented in the MLB blogosphere? We are the better half, are we not?

Let’s claim some KC turf while we break that David Glass ceiling!

From time to time I’ll contribute to this website with a fresh, female look at all things Royal. (And I’m not referring to Kate Middleton’s new nanny!) For my inaugural post, I thought it would be fun to introduce a series that presents a revamping of our favorite regal Royals: Majestic Makeovers!

Obviously, our beloved baseball boyz are naturally magnetic, oozing with machismo. But they’re not always polished, and that’s what we’re going to address: how to turn our diamonds-in-the-rough into sexy hunks of iced-out pizzazz! Our first makeover tackles the ever-adorable Eric Hosmer!

Eric is like a cute, enthusiastic, bumbling puppy. He's a little rough around the edges, but underneath he's got beautiful bone structure (and eyes that turn my knees to jelly!). With just a little effort, we can turn this unsophisticated puppy into one sly, sexy Studs MacKenzie!

Think he needs any help smearing this on? LOL!First we’ll address the foundation of all beauty, be it male or female: a glowing, radiant complexion. Our boyz in blue might be bubbling over with manly testosterone that allows them to slug that ball out of the park (and into our hearts!), but that’s no excuse for not addressing the hormonal aftermath of such burliness: acne! I recommend Eric start following a careful skin-care regimen after every sweaty practice and game: cleanser, pore-refining toner, and a non-comedogenic moisturizer with substantial SPF protection to preserve his youthful mantle! A weekly lemon and honey mask would help even out his skin tone while making him glow. (Yummy!)

Next time: tips for getting lipstick off your shirt collar!  Scruffy facial hair might be smokin’ hot on some men, but I propose that a cleaner look is more suited to Eric’s countenance. A hint of a five o’clock shadow can emphasize a hard-working, determined masculinity, but a 10 o’clock shadow combined with a full-blown neck beard makes a guy look more vagrant than virile. (Our guys make more bank than that!) So let’s bring out the mug of hot shaving lather and show off those baby-soft cheeks! Remember, guys, to prevent an irritated neck (and to keep things kissable!): shave with the grain, only stroke once, and use lots of steamy hot water!

Wield these like your bats, boyz!Shaving isn’t the only thing that will open up Eric’s face. A little manscaping tames his unruly eyebrows, giving us a better look at those chocolate-brown eyes. Whitening his teeth adds sparkle and brilliance, and a fuller hairstyle with deep, blueish-black low-lights puts even more focus on the eyes.

 Finally, let’s address the problem with Eric’s coloring type (he’s an Autumn, yes?). His coloring is well suited to rich warm plums, deep dark reds, ivory, and cocoa browns. Is there a rule somewhere saying the Royals HAVE to wear blue? I can’t be the only one who thinks the team would look much better if the players got to wear colors that flattered their own unique coloring! Surely, if every member of the team looked his absolute best, that would be tons more intimidating than a team full of guys looking ashy, washed out, or tired just because of some stupid rule about uniform colors needing to match! Rich old white guys’ fondness for suppression strikes again! (They’re waaaay past strike three by my count!)

Besides, matching is so ‘90s. Let’s get with the times and celebrate our individuality—while looking our absolute sexiest, of course!

Here’s the result of our first Royals makeover: 

50 Shades of Purple, anyone?

Move over, Sluggerrr! There’s a hot new cat in town, and his name is Eric Hottie Hosmer! What a turn-around—the bumbling puppy is now a sophisticated stud-muffin with a piercing gaze and skin to die for!


March 24, 2014

Time to Face the Music

Well I guess the Royals were wrong. Garth Brooks just don't belong. 

The Royals are finally getting rid of their sixth-inning tradition of "Friends in Low Places." If you're not familiar, the lyrics tell the story of a drunk loser who shows up at his ex's wedding and causes a stink because she had the sense to dump him and marry someone else. A classic tale of a moron celebrating doing something moronic with a sing-along chorus that acts as an endorsement to get shitfaced to spite your glaring personality deficiencies. Don't worry about screwing up your life, there's always a group of even bigger losers down at the bar wasting their existence that you can whoop it up with. 

Yes, the moral of the song is "Get drunk and you'll be okay."

What I'm trying to say is that it was an idiotic song for families to sing along to at the old ballpark. 

Every night. 

For six years.

It was such a perfect encapsulation of celebrating the mediocrity of a wasted life that Jay Leno had Garth come on his final episode of "The Tonight Show" and sing it over the closing credits.

Some people would argue that it's a song about class warfare... a lower class guy can't always win the princess, but he can win at life because he'll always have his working class gumption and alcoholism to numb the pain. That's a valid reading of course, but Garth Brooks is certainly not a working-class alcoholic, nor is Jay Leno, despite their collections of denim shirts. Garth isn't the musical equivalent of a Raymond Carver or a Charles Bukowski. He's a rich dude who has been coasting off playing the same set list at arenas for twenty years.

That's not really my problem with the song, though. I've been known to drink a few beers and sing along to songs myself, even the one in question.

My main problem is that the application of the song as an anthem for a perennially mediocre ballclub was a terrible decision.

Again, the moral of the song is "Get drunk and you'll be okay."

It's an uplifting song about being a loser.

Which means it's not exactly something you can play after a victory. 

Nor is it something that is family-friendly, despite the glossy finish of 90s country-pop radio.

Which means it makes no sense as a theme song for any team in any sport at any time.
Thankfully, it's all finally coming to an end. Starting Friday, April 4 (the Royals' first home game), the sixth inning song will become a competition. Fans have been able to suggest songs to the team over the past month, and soon, each game will feature a sixth-inning vote from fans for the better of the two options.  This will all come to an end in early June, when Lorde's "Royal" becomes the latest overplayed anthem a crowd-sourced and in-no-way-influenced-by-the-Royals-2014-slogan winner will emerge from the pack.

Now, I could suggest some songs here, but I imagine, because taste is subjective, that many of you would hate what I'd suggest.

Just as I might hate what you would suggest.

So instead, I'm going to do the opposite.

I'm going to suggest the Royals don't have a set sixth-inning song.

Either let fans pick the song of the day at every game, or just let the PA dude play whatever he wants.

Either a tradition will begin on its own, or it won't. It doesn't really matter.

I know this is a bit anti-climactic after I spent 3/4 of the post taking a giant shit in Garth Brooks' giant hat, but what are you gonna do? It's my first post since September.

Oh wait!

I have an ace in the hole!

Or a deuce, I guess.

Make that two deuces.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

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