March 26, 2014

Hunk of Hosmer? Yes, please!

Hello, ladies!

It’s time to bring in a feminine perspective to the world of Royals blogging. It’s bad enough we don’t have our own Royalettes baseball team (tiaras, anyone?), and ladies are sneeringly patronized on stadium “ladies’ nights” and Mother’s Day events (ladies are an important part of EVERY game, guys!)—why can’t we be represented in the MLB blogosphere? We are the better half, are we not?

Let’s claim some KC turf while we break that David Glass ceiling!

From time to time I’ll contribute to this website with a fresh, female look at all things Royal. (And I’m not referring to Kate Middleton’s new nanny!) For my inaugural post, I thought it would be fun to introduce a series that presents a revamping of our favorite regal Royals: Majestic Makeovers!

Obviously, our beloved baseball boyz are naturally magnetic, oozing with machismo. But they’re not always polished, and that’s what we’re going to address: how to turn our diamonds-in-the-rough into sexy hunks of iced-out pizzazz! Our first makeover tackles the ever-adorable Eric Hosmer!

Eric is like a cute, enthusiastic, bumbling puppy. He's a little rough around the edges, but underneath he's got beautiful bone structure (and eyes that turn my knees to jelly!). With just a little effort, we can turn this unsophisticated puppy into one sly, sexy Studs MacKenzie!

Think he needs any help smearing this on? LOL!First we’ll address the foundation of all beauty, be it male or female: a glowing, radiant complexion. Our boyz in blue might be bubbling over with manly testosterone that allows them to slug that ball out of the park (and into our hearts!), but that’s no excuse for not addressing the hormonal aftermath of such burliness: acne! I recommend Eric start following a careful skin-care regimen after every sweaty practice and game: cleanser, pore-refining toner, and a non-comedogenic moisturizer with substantial SPF protection to preserve his youthful mantle! A weekly lemon and honey mask would help even out his skin tone while making him glow. (Yummy!)

Next time: tips for getting lipstick off your shirt collar!  Scruffy facial hair might be smokin’ hot on some men, but I propose that a cleaner look is more suited to Eric’s countenance. A hint of a five o’clock shadow can emphasize a hard-working, determined masculinity, but a 10 o’clock shadow combined with a full-blown neck beard makes a guy look more vagrant than virile. (Our guys make more bank than that!) So let’s bring out the mug of hot shaving lather and show off those baby-soft cheeks! Remember, guys, to prevent an irritated neck (and to keep things kissable!): shave with the grain, only stroke once, and use lots of steamy hot water!

Wield these like your bats, boyz!Shaving isn’t the only thing that will open up Eric’s face. A little manscaping tames his unruly eyebrows, giving us a better look at those chocolate-brown eyes. Whitening his teeth adds sparkle and brilliance, and a fuller hairstyle with deep, blueish-black low-lights puts even more focus on the eyes.

 Finally, let’s address the problem with Eric’s coloring type (he’s an Autumn, yes?). His coloring is well suited to rich warm plums, deep dark reds, ivory, and cocoa browns. Is there a rule somewhere saying the Royals HAVE to wear blue? I can’t be the only one who thinks the team would look much better if the players got to wear colors that flattered their own unique coloring! Surely, if every member of the team looked his absolute best, that would be tons more intimidating than a team full of guys looking ashy, washed out, or tired just because of some stupid rule about uniform colors needing to match! Rich old white guys’ fondness for suppression strikes again! (They’re waaaay past strike three by my count!)

Besides, matching is so ‘90s. Let’s get with the times and celebrate our individuality—while looking our absolute sexiest, of course!

Here’s the result of our first Royals makeover: 

50 Shades of Purple, anyone?

Move over, Sluggerrr! There’s a hot new cat in town, and his name is Eric Hottie Hosmer! What a turn-around—the bumbling puppy is now a sophisticated stud-muffin with a piercing gaze and skin to die for!



  1. Please work your magic on Alcides Escobar. He scares my children.

  2. kurt colvon3:00 PM

    Yea because guys are all about taming their unruly eyebrows. I'm sure this is a joke but sounds like what you're looking for is called a woman.

  3. Wow, this is sad. This is the worst, most vain and insecure site I have ever visited. I think he looks good the way he is. A man who has more shaped eyebrows than most of my friends is kind of a turn off.

  4. And, your Photoshop work sucks

  5. tbh he looks waaayyy better before


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