March 24, 2014

Time to Face the Music

Well I guess the Royals were wrong. Garth Brooks just don't belong. 

The Royals are finally getting rid of their sixth-inning tradition of "Friends in Low Places." If you're not familiar, the lyrics tell the story of a drunk loser who shows up at his ex's wedding and causes a stink because she had the sense to dump him and marry someone else. A classic tale of a moron celebrating doing something moronic with a sing-along chorus that acts as an endorsement to get shitfaced to spite your glaring personality deficiencies. Don't worry about screwing up your life, there's always a group of even bigger losers down at the bar wasting their existence that you can whoop it up with. 

Yes, the moral of the song is "Get drunk and you'll be okay."

What I'm trying to say is that it was an idiotic song for families to sing along to at the old ballpark. 

Every night. 

For six years.

It was such a perfect encapsulation of celebrating the mediocrity of a wasted life that Jay Leno had Garth come on his final episode of "The Tonight Show" and sing it over the closing credits.

Some people would argue that it's a song about class warfare... a lower class guy can't always win the princess, but he can win at life because he'll always have his working class gumption and alcoholism to numb the pain. That's a valid reading of course, but Garth Brooks is certainly not a working-class alcoholic, nor is Jay Leno, despite their collections of denim shirts. Garth isn't the musical equivalent of a Raymond Carver or a Charles Bukowski. He's a rich dude who has been coasting off playing the same set list at arenas for twenty years.

That's not really my problem with the song, though. I've been known to drink a few beers and sing along to songs myself, even the one in question.

My main problem is that the application of the song as an anthem for a perennially mediocre ballclub was a terrible decision.

Again, the moral of the song is "Get drunk and you'll be okay."

It's an uplifting song about being a loser.

Which means it's not exactly something you can play after a victory. 

Nor is it something that is family-friendly, despite the glossy finish of 90s country-pop radio.

Which means it makes no sense as a theme song for any team in any sport at any time.
Thankfully, it's all finally coming to an end. Starting Friday, April 4 (the Royals' first home game), the sixth inning song will become a competition. Fans have been able to suggest songs to the team over the past month, and soon, each game will feature a sixth-inning vote from fans for the better of the two options.  This will all come to an end in early June, when Lorde's "Royal" becomes the latest overplayed anthem a crowd-sourced and in-no-way-influenced-by-the-Royals-2014-slogan winner will emerge from the pack.

Now, I could suggest some songs here, but I imagine, because taste is subjective, that many of you would hate what I'd suggest.

Just as I might hate what you would suggest.

So instead, I'm going to do the opposite.

I'm going to suggest the Royals don't have a set sixth-inning song.

Either let fans pick the song of the day at every game, or just let the PA dude play whatever he wants.

Either a tradition will begin on its own, or it won't. It doesn't really matter.

I know this is a bit anti-climactic after I spent 3/4 of the post taking a giant shit in Garth Brooks' giant hat, but what are you gonna do? It's my first post since September.

Oh wait!

I have an ace in the hole!

Or a deuce, I guess.

Make that two deuces.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

1 comment:

  1. Chris Getz is finally in the toilet! Happy 2014!


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