April 21, 2014

Bellwether's Guide to the American League Central: Cleveland

Hey!! The Royals!! They’re back!! And winning!! Also losing!! Actually a little of both!! Good for them!! 

You can tell I’m pretty excited about baseball. (I mean, Exclamation Point City, amirite?). After last year’s run to Just Short of the Promised Land of a One Game Playoff That Wad (sic) Davis Would Have Probably Started In, all of us Royals faithful are hoping this year’s team will turn the corner from slightly above mediocre to slightly above slightly above mediocre. So, we must prepare. As the great prophet Zach de la Rocha once said, “I have to go to the bathroom.” No, wait...that’s not it. Know Your Enemy!! Know your enemy.

So, here at Royales With Cheese, I will be taking an in-depth look at our Boys in Blue’s division foes one-by-one. First up: CLEVELAND

What’s a Cleveland? 

Cleveland is a gem, affectionately known as “Exclamation Point City of the Cuyahoga River,” and also “Slightly Less of a Butthole Than Toledo.”

Can you give us some fun facts? 

Cleveland is home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame because some dude in Cleveland coined the term “Rock & Roll” which makes me hold out hope that the “Goggins-esque” Hall of Fame will one day be built on my forehead. The Rock & Roll HOF is a stupid, horrible place, unless your favorite five favorite bands are Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Springsteen, and U2.

Cleveland was once one of the largest five cities in America. This was presumably until people realized they lived in Cleveland. SRSLY THO it was a large manufacturing hub until the Great Depression. Then, to make matters worse, a series of economic miscalculations caused Cleveland’s abandoned factories to stay silent as America experienced the great Dildo Boom of the 1980s. (Why do you think Pittsburgh’s so nice? That’s dildo money)

Cleveland was once home to a professional basketball team that LeBron James played for called “The Cavaliers.” No, seriously. Look it up.

Ever been there?

When I was in college, I went to the national conference of a social organization I belonged to, which was hosted in -- you guessed it -- Cleveland. While there, me and some of my brethren wandered down to West 6th St and proceeded to get 2006 Royals roster shitty. Well, I met a nice young lady down there, and after a night of [redacted] (safe redacted) I slept thru my wake-up call and missed my flight back home, that my dad had paid for. I told him that it was because the light rail system was down, and I had to take the bus to the airport.

About a year later, I’m at my brother’s wedding and me and the other groomsmen are shooting shit and telling war stories and being generally beer’d up jackasses, when I regale them with the tale of Cleveland and [redacted]ing and flight missing. My dad stops the story dead in its tracks and scolds me in front of all my brother’s friends. Don’t lie to your dad. CLEVELAND!!

Also, I got the student run radio station at Cleveland State to play At the Drive In while I was there, so I guess Cleveland’s not all bad.

They got a baseball team there, right?

They do!

What are they called?

The Indians!

Wait, seriously?

Yep! In our modern if-you-don’t-like-something-or-someone-just-call-it-super-racist-until-everyone-hates-it-too culture it’s pretty amazing that there’s still a team called “The Indians” until you realize that “The Redskins” still exist. But, hey, Cleveland, at least this guy is still keeping you in the running for Most Super Racist, right?


So, how are they at baseballin’?

Cleveland was pretty much the original Kansas City Royals in that they somehow won a World Series once, and then sucked shit for about thirty years. They hopped off of the carousel of ineptitude in the mid-90’s when they made, but lost, two World Series. They almost made the World Series again in 2007 -- taking the Red Sox to 7 games in the ALCS -- then sucked again, then made the playoffs last year, proving that indeed there are people in baseball who know how to rebuild franchises (hint - doing so doesn't involve Kyle Davies or Yuniesky Betancourt)


Jim Thome
Jim Thome is 112 years old and still plays for the Indians, and also every other team in the major leagues

Kenny Lofton
All time leader in stolen bases

Shin Soo Choo
Look, I know he plays for the Reds or the Rangers or the Isotopes or something. We've reached the just-call-me-super-racist-until-everyone-hates-me portion of the program, but joke's on you. Everyone already hates me. #NoMahbows

Grady Sizemore
#MOOSEDONG I think he also might play for someone else now. Or he might be dead? I don't know.

Jake Taylor
Tough. Steely. Vietnam Vet. He was also great in Inception.

John Axford
The veteran made his bones as a closer for the Milwaukee Brewers, saving 46 games in 2011. He also fucked Roger Dorn's wife.

Tito Francona

Go Major League! You're The Best!

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