April 1, 2014

K + C Music Factory

Today the Royals announced the contenders for their new 6th inning song, and most of the options are awful.

Here's the list and my thoughts on each:

Smash Mouth-- "All Star"
While I hate this song, I'm all for it if they can get Billy Butler in some green body paint and a Shrek outfit to lead the sing-along. If Frenchy's hurting for work, maybe Dayton and Ned can throw their old buddy a bone and let him cameo as the Donkey.

Bruce Springsteen-- "Born to Run"
This song will remind older Royals fans that maybe they should have gotten out while they were young since rooting for this team is "a death trap, a suicide rap." Although, this song might be entertaining because of the high probability of fans singing the incorrect lyrics on a regular basis... nothing better than hearing the creepy dude in your section yelling "wrap your hands around my inches."

Van Morrison-- "Brown Eyed Girl"
I'm a big fan of families singing along to the phrase "Making love in the green grass behind the stadium," as well as the opportunity for everyone on Twitter to make "Brown Eye = Butthole" jokes every sixth inning until the end of time.

Elvis Presley-- "Burning Love"
This song is about "a hunka hunka burning love," or in layman's terms, a throbbing erection.

John Fogerty-- "Centerfield"
This song is already played at just about every baseball stadium every single game. If they are trying to brand this as a Royals tradition, they're facing an uphill battle.

Abba-- "Dancing Queen"
While this song is a favorite of middle-aged women and drag queens alike, it doesn't exactly scream baseball.

Garth Brooks-- "Friends in Low Places"
I've already shared my thoughts on this ode to drunken idiocy here.

KC & The Sunshine Band-- "Get Down Tonight"
Along with "Dancing Queen," the perfect song to kick off your cocaine-fueled roller-disco party.

The Beatles-- "I Feel Fine"
It's the sixth inning. You've had twelve beers. The Royals are losing by four runs. You feel fine.

Black Eyed Peas-- "I Gotta Feeling"

Cheap Trick-- "I Want You To Want Me"
I want you to want me. Because I'm a sexually frustrated loser.

Gloria Gaynor-- "I Will Survive"
This is a song about a woman who has been treated like shit by a dude and now he's back in her life and she can't get rid of him. Is this the plot to a story on Days of Our Lives? No, it's the Royals sixth-inning sing-along!

The Beatles-- "Kansas City"
No snark here. This works and works well.

Fats Domino-- "Kansas City Here I Come"
This also works and works well. Unfortunately, the Royals have both the Beatles and Fats Domino version in the same bracket, meaning one may end up knocking the other out.

The Temptations-- "My Girl"

I'll always love this song because it reminds me of the time Macauley Culkin got stung by bees and died.

Bob Seger-- "Old Time Rock N Roll"
I don't like this song. Here is ALF singing it into a Gherkin:

John Mellencamp-- "R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A"
This would S.U.C.K. in the K.

Johnny Cash-- "Ring of Fire"
[Insert George Brett Hemorrhoids Joke Here]

Kiss -- "Rock N Roll All Night"
This band is going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and it's because of makeup, pyrotechnics, and action figures, not music.

John Mellencamp-- "Small Town"
This would work better if the Royals played in Orrick. Also, why the hell does Johnny Cougar get two songs in this competition?

Bryan Adams-- "Summer of '69"
This one has a double meaning. The Royals began in 1969, and sixty-nining is a euphemism for double-mouth loving.

Neil Diamond-- "Sweet Caroline"
Seriously? The Royals would just use the sing-along song the Red Sox already use? Maybe they can go with Diamond's "Solitary Man" since that seems to go along with the already-present theme of love gone wrong.

The Beatles-- "Twist & Shout"
Apparently, the Royals can only afford Beatles songs that are covers.

Dire Straits-- "Walk of Life"
The Royals already occasionally play a snippet of this when a player walks (though I prefer when they play "Walk Hard"). It's a feel-good song driven by synthesizers, and it was a hit in the fall of 1985, the last time the Royals were relevant. It's got a shot, though who is going to learn all the words in a song about a guy busking in the subway?

The Kingsmen-- "Louie Louie"

If you've ever wanted to hear 30,000 people sing and mumble at the same time, this is the song.

Cab Calloway-- "Minnie the Moocher"
This would be a good one. It's been a standard at Royals games for years.

Queen-- "We Will Rock You"
Another song that's played at every baseball stadium nearly every game. Also another one that's embarrassing to play when you're getting blown out. Probably won't work.

Tom Petty-- "I Won't Back Down"
Petty has done so many great songs that I think the Royals would be better served playing a variety of his songs based on how they've played lately-- "It's Good to Be King" when they are in first place, "I Won't Back Down" is good for playoff races, "Free Fallin'" is perfect for those month-long swoons, and "Last Dance for Mary Jane" for whenever the Mariners or Rockies are in town.

Taylor Swift-- "You Belong With Me"
The only things I know about Taylor Swift: she's blond, she's dated a ton of guys who would be on the cover of Tiger Beat if that were still a thing, and Kanye West stole a microphone from her once. I guess she has like a million gold records, but I couldn't name one song by her. Apparently this one won best song at the 2010 Kids' Choice Awards, so I can't figure out why it isn't already a baseball stadium anthem.

Journey-- "Don't Stop Believing"
This will probably alienate at least half the people who read this blog, but FUCK JOURNEY.

Prince-- "1999"
Let's party like it's 1999. You know, the year the Royals had Carlos Beltran, Jermaine Dye, Johnny Damon, Jose Rosado, and still lost 97 games.

Well, those are your choices, Kansas City. I'm starting to regret not submitting my own ideas as it looks sort of like the Royals just got the playlist from a local wedding DJ and ran with it.

Whatever. Anything to distract the fans from Ned's late-inning pitching moves.

Go Royals! 161-1! You're the Best!


  1. Daloath7:49 AM

    All Star? That's seriously one of the songs to vote on? I thought some brave bastard snuck into Smash Mouth's fortress of evil and staked that song through the chest years ago. Yeah, when the Royals are down by 6 runs and 15 games out of first place, I want to be assaulted by that one song everyone got sick of 10 years ago.

  2. Agreed. They might as well have Chumbawumba in the bracket.

  3. I always thought Anna Chlumsky would grow up to be hotter than she did.


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