April 9, 2014

Pop-up Books

Mike Moustakas has been awful to start off 2014.

It took him seven games to get one hit.

One goddamn hit.

In twenty-two at bats.

Fans on Twitter were calling him M.000se.

It's embarrassing.

But not shocking.

Moustakas also started off 2013 playing like hot garbage. And he kept playing like hot garbage for months.

We were critical of him on the blog and on Twitter, calling for him to be sent to Omaha or Wichita or Lexington or Siberia.

It didn't happen.

This year, he tied the Royals record for futility starting a season. In 1985, Lynn Jones started the season 0-21. However, he had the advantage of looking like Lieutenant Arcot "Thorny" Ramathorn from Super Troopers, while Moose looks like your textbook mouthbreather.

 Will Mike Moustakas ever be worth where he was chosen in the draft? Will he ever be worth more than a league-minimum salary? Will he ever be worth the ridiculous leash this organization has given him?

I hope so. 

But just like Mike Moustakas is biologically incapable of doing, I won't hold my breath.

However, you don't have to take *my* word for it...

Let's take a look, in some books, through the magic of Royals Reading Rainbow!

Butterfly in the sky! Mike's pop-ups go twice as high!

The following books are appropriate for children ages 8 and up, as they likely have already come to grips with the pain of being a Royals fan.

The Third Baseman Tree:

As Ned Yost so eloquently stated last May, when Moose had been scuffling for the first seven weeks of 2013, third-basemen don't just grow on trees. He went on an epic rant that has now been printed in this wonderfully illustrated book:

"Maybe when we get home, I can go to the third base tree and pick another third baseman. Obviously, third basemen who can hit and hit with power, they must grow on trees. They’ve got to. Like relief pitchers. And starting pitchers. Right fielders. Left fielders. First basemen. All of these guys must grow on trees, and you must be able to just go get another good one. A ripe one. Make sure it’s ripe. Those trees are at a hidden location but, obviously, they’re somewhere. Because that’s what everyone wants to do. Let’s just go pluck another one out of the tree."

Tell me that wouldn't make for an amazing piece of children's literature. That's some Narnia-level shit right there.

If You Give a Moose a Cookie:

In Rex Hudler's vernacular, a cookie is a bad pitch-- one that should be a no-doubter home run when served up to a decent hitter. And that's what this book is all about. 

Spoiler Alert: When you give a Moose a cookie, he pops it up.

Goodnight Moose:

Lull your child to sleep with this incredibly boring pitch-by-pitch breakdown of Mike Moustakas's first 21 at-bats of the 2014 season!

Goodnight Ned.

Goodnight Dayton.

Goodnight Moose.

Goodnight Competitive Window.

Just Get a Hit:

The first and only entry in the Little Shitter series of books. This is the perfect present for your own young ballplayer who sports an .045 average. This book emphasizes that the one hit is what you should focus on, not the 21 straight outs leading up to it.

If your kid gets bored with the story, show him the spider and mouse on each page. They symbolize the fun you can have at a Royals game, provided you focus on the mascot, the hot dog race, the merry-go-round, and the junk food, instead of the moribund offense on the field.

And lastly:

This book is the same four lines repeated over and over and over and over and over.


Don't forget to check out these and other fake Royals books at your local library.

Go Mike Moustakas! You're finally batting higher than my blood alcohol content!

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