April 29, 2014

Prospect Runway

1992 was a crazy year. The Cold War ended. The Cartoon Network began. George Bush puked on the Japanese Prime Minister. A team from Canada won the World Series. The NBA's "Dream Team" embarrassed some kids from Croatia to win gold in Barcelona. Billy Ray Cyrus unleashed two evils on the world with his hit single "Achy-Breaky Heart" and the birth of his daughter, Miley Cyrus.

And last but not least, baseball cards went bananas, releasing a ridiculous amount of rookie cards, most featuring players that wouldn't make the big leagues for several years, and in some cases, never would.

These cards featured players so fresh, most of them weren't even wearing uniforms. In fact, they look like really shitty senior class photos. Even worse, they look like really shitty senior class photos from 1992.

So let's celebrate the goofiness with a new edition of Royals vs. Cards! Here are some of the worst rookie cards from 1992 featuring Royals players:


1992 Bowman #560:
Smilin' Joe Randa tentatively grabs his wrist as he models a long-sleeve striped shirt tucked into his loosely belted stone-washed jeans.


1992 Topps Stadium Club Dome #74:
Shane Halter is smartly dressed in a fresh-off-the-cardboard-backing pink dress shirt from Van Heusen. Also, he's wearing his mom's watch.


1992 Topps Stadium Club Dome #57:
Dwayne Gerald knows that paisley isn't just for ugly neckties anymore; it's also for ugly dress shirts. However, he redeems himself with his hi-top fade haircut and pinky ring.


1992 Bowman #277:
Doug Linton tries to hide his boner while rocking the white khaki/puffy purple shirt look in this preppy ensemble first worn by Mark-Paul Gosselaar on the hit show Saved by the Bell.


1992 Bowman #349:
Paul Byrd strikes a confident grin as he kneels forward in his denim shirt, his left arm conveniently hiding the Looney Tunes characters embroidered on the front pocket.


1992 Topps Stadium Club Dome #11:
Brian Barber poses as Auguste Rodin's "The Thinker." That is, if "The Thinker" were wearing white jeans, a Bugleboy polo, and a watch on the inside of his wrist.


1992 Topps Stadium Club Dome #152:
Desmond "Desi" Relaford contemplates his future as he leans against a young tree, his hi-top fade complemented by a silk flower-print/vertical-striped shirt, a fashion popularized by Mark Curry on TGIF's Hangin' with Mr. Cooper.


1992 Bowman #155:
Kevin Young has got it goin' on! He sports a double-breasted blazer over a white turtleneck, cuffed loose-fit Jordache Jeans, and black sneakers. Also, he has a giant bat for some reason. The man just oozes
S-M-O-O-T-H.


1992 Topps Stadium Club Dome #182:
Chris Stynes looked in a mirror the morning of this photo shoot and thought, "Goddamn, that's a sweet mustache." He was wrong, of course.


And finally...

1992 Bowman #79:
For this shot, Ryan Long took his cues from Timbuk 3, the band that hit it big with "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades." In 2014, he still takes his cues from Timbuk 3, as nobody remembers that band, and nobody remembers Ryan Long, either.

Well, that's it for this edition of Royals vs. Cards.

We hope you've enjoyed this terrifying trip into the horrors of draft-pick busts, stone-washed jeans, and portrait studio backgrounds.

Go Doug Linton! I Remember Watching You Strike Out Six Consecutive Batters Once! It Was Crazy Because You Weren't Very Good!

1 comment:

  1. Mitchell11:11 AM

    Dear JR,


    We would love to have your breathtaking fashion copywriting skills as part of J Peterman's fall catalog. Please contact me at your earliest convenience.

    ReplyDelete

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