April 4, 2014

Second Chances

Hello Sports Fans! The Royals are into the fifth day of the 2014 season and they are winless. Their two losses to the Tigers haven’t exactly provided cause to punch holes in the wall or consume excessive amounts of alcohol, but we are all very, very disappointed.

Many of you may already be thinking that Ned Yost should be fired. Of course he should. He let the worst hitter in the Major Leagues bat in a critical situation and then insensitively referred to his head as a dome.

The question is not if (Yes) or when (Now), but who? Who should replace Ned Yost?

Many of you are undoubtedly thinking that the Royals should follow the Cardinals and Tigers lead and hire a young, former catcher with no previous managerial experience to lead their club. It’s the cool new thing to do, right?

Wrong.

It’s not new. And it’s not cool. Even the Royals have done this before.

 

Don’t you remember Bob Boone? Don’t you remember three straight losing seasons?

Don’t you remember John Wathan? The poor guy managed the Royals back when second place finishes (in a two division league) weren’t considered good enough.

No, the Royals have been there and done that. It’s time for a different approach. An approach that is quite logical when you consider the position that yields the most successful managers: Second base! And guess who played himself some second base? None other than Dick Howser!

Now that I’ve got you, let’s review the formula. The Royals need to hire a former second baseman of theirs to manage the club and return them to glory. And now, the candidates:


Jose Offerman


Jose Offerman was a great ballplayer and has proven managerial experience. Plus, he’s not afraid to stick up for his team. See for yourself:



To say the least, Jose has some anger management issues. And he’s in legal trouble. Maybe he’s not the best fit for the Royals.


Cookie Rojas


Cookie was an All-Star four times playing second for the Royals in the 1970s. He spent ensuing years coaching and scouting for various clubs and logged time as a big league manager. He currently works in broadcasting for the Miami Marlins. Disappointingly, he never developed with his own brand of Cuban Sugar Cookies which would have been a smash hit in Miami-area 7-Eleven convenience stores.
Cookie would make a great Royals manager, but he’s 75 years old. That’s old. We might as well come full circle and bring Jack McKeon back to manage if we’re gonna go that route.


Yuniesky Betancourt

  



Frank White


Well, this is awkward. Frank certainly fits the profile and he is currently coaching with the T-Bones in West Kansas City, KS but last I checked he hates the Royals. And by the rules of feuding, the Royals hate him. In fact, if he ever comes near The K, stadium operations team members have been instructed to unretire his number and remove his outfield statue immediately. In case you’re wondering, Justin Maxwell has been granted dibs on No. 20. Sorry fans, this one’s not going to happen.

Mark Grudzielanek


During his playing career, Mark proved himself to be an intelligent, hard-working, dependable and encouraging teammate. In other words, everything Ned Yost isn’t. I would love to have Grudz manage the Royals. Someone call this guy!

Jeff Reboulet


Given the need to offer the Royals a budget-friendly option, we arrive at our final candidate, Jeff Reboulet. Thank goodness I found this unlicensed Getty image or you guys wouldn't even know who I'm talking about. But why the hell not? Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog, the final word on all things ever, says that managers don’t even matter. If that’s the case, J-Reb is an even better option. Plus, the Royals get built in marketing opportunities when the right field stands get rebranded as The Cajun Corner. Perhaps the best part of this is the fact that Jeff Reboulet’s agent has indicated that his client can be had in exchange for the following compensation package:

-          League minimum salary
-          Chiefs Gold Reserve parking pass
-          2014 Toyota Tacoma
-          Season tickets to Missouri Mavericks hockey
-          Two purebred Chow Chows
-           The return of the Lemonade Guy, who will now be required to roam the K yelling,
 "REBOULET REBOULET REBOULET WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Let’s get this deal done!


Happy Home Opener! Go Second Basemen! You’re The Best!


2 comments:

  1. Daloath12:47 PM

    Someone throw the Grudzie signal in the sky. This city needs you, Mark!

    ReplyDelete

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