May 21, 2014

Bellwether's Guide to the American League Central: Minneapolesota

Whooo-doggies!! Those Royals, heh? It’s like every time they play they're either winning or losing. Man, this baseball’s a funny game. In no other sport do we turn abject mediocrity into an absolute matter of life and death. Except for, you know, every other sport.

So, to again better prepare you for losing your fucking mind over a quote from an inconsequential mid-season off day interview, I present the next in our series of looking at the other members of the American League Central.

And with that, a timely primer on a team that we don’t even play again until July: THE MINNESOTA TWINS

What’s a Minnesota?

Minnesota is the Great White North of America; a land filled with beer, hockey, and thousands of bodies of water with Native American-sounding names like “Lake Mientkiewicz.” Seriously, though, all that fucking state cares about is getting shithammered and playing hockey. They’re like Wisconsin, but with funnier accents and less inbreeding.

Minnesota is a place where everybody owns a boat and goes ice fishing while dressed like Cousin Eddie. The entire state is basically one giant Bass Pro Shop,which means it is a terrible, horrible place to be with screaming children and guns and fishing lures everywhere.

The team is called the “Minnesota” Twins instead of the “Minneapolis” Twins because you don’t want to associate only with Minneapolis, which, as a city, is basically 90% Johnson County. Calling Minneapolis representative of the entire state is like adding a line of dialogue in the Wizard of Oz in which Dorothy explains how great a deal she got on her ruby slippers at the Macy’s at Town Center Plaza.

Can you give us some fun facts?

Minnesota is a very politically active state. Hubert H Humphrey was a presidential candidate, and they’ve elected representatives as diverse as Michele Bachmann and Al Franken. Also, an insane person was the Governor of the state from 1999 - 2003 (I count this as a positive, btw).

Average snowfall in the winter is approximately 267 inches, which is slightly less than the average wingspan of the mosquitos on Lake Mientkiewicz.

Minnesota has produced an insane amount of incredible music. I mean insane. Minnesota is responsible for Bob Dylan, Prince, The Replacements, Hüsker Dü, Atmosphere, the list goes on and on. It’s like Keanu Reeves. You wouldn’t think by looking at him, but nearly every single one of his movies is totally kick ass. I guess that makes The Hold Steady the Johnny Mnemonic of bands.

Ever Been There?

Yep. I went to college with a bunch of south-of-the-border hosers, and as such have made multiple trips to the North Star State. My top three memories of Minneapolis counting down from three to one:

3 - I once saw Daunte Cullpepper at a club called Banana Joe’s.

2 - I watched Cole Aldrich’s triple-double against Dayton in the 2nd round for the 2009 NCAA Tournament.

1 - I witnessed a drunk fat lady wearing viking horns fall down the stairs and eat shit at the Metrodome.

It’s a magical town.

They got a baseball team there, right?


They do!

What are they called?

The Twins!

Yeah!!! I love Twiiiieaoooownnnnnnsssss!!!

God I hate you.

Twins, as in Minneapolis and St. Paul, are the Twin Cities, as in the reason their hat says TC on it. All things considered, St. Paul definitely got the Vincent Benedict end of the stick. St. Paul is a sale on Keds at Sears. It’s a par 3 golf course. It’s a self-help conference at the Radisson next to the airport. It’s an egg white omelet served with cantaloupe and decaf Folgers crystals. I mean, Minneapolis is pretty much the same thing too, I guess, but at least Minneapolis has a big mall?

So, how are they at baseballin’?

The Twins have won two World Series. One in 1987 that nobody remembers and one in 1991 that no one will shut the fuck up about. The 1991 World Series was seriously one of the greatest ever played, and if its memory has done nothing else, it has hypnotized an entire generation of people into thinking that Jack Morris is a Hall of Fame pitcher, and that Kirby Puckett wasn't a one-eyed rapist. (PS - if you find me buried in the woods, impaled by a hockey stick, know that it’s because I just now besmirched the name of Kirby Puckett)

The Twins plan is supposedly the one the Royals have looked at as a rebuilding model. The Twins sucked shit and were on the verge of contraction before they won 94 games in Terry Ryan’s 8th year helming the club. And, would you look at that, it’s Dayton Moore’s 8th year running the Royals and, sure enough, they’re on pace for 94 wins! So congratulations Dayton Moore! You did it!

COMPREHENSIVE SCOUTING REPORT



Jim Thome
Jim Thome is 112 years old and still plays for the Twins, and also every other team in the major leagues




Joe Mauer
A dirty hippie who needs to shave his goddamn sideburns




White Dude
I don’t know. Michael Cuddyer?




Another White Dude
Kent Hrbek, I think? Or is he dead?




White Dude #3
Pretty sure this is Justin Morneau




Fernando Vina
Scrappy 2nd baseman. Former Cardinal. Cat can ball, man




Rob Ford With A Goatee

Manager


Go Twins! You're the best!

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