June 11, 2014

Hoz: The Decent and Occasionally Powerful

It's hard to remember that Eric Hosmer was actually one of the Royals' few bright spots in the first six weeks of 2014-- despite only one homer in that span, he was batting .326 on May 9. Of course, in the month that followed, he hit under .200, dropping his season average by over 60 points. And as recently as last week, he looked completely lost at the plate. He was swinging at every single pitch, whether they were a foot too high, a foot outside, or they hit him in the foot. 

But things appear to be getting back on track. While his average is going to take a while to recover, he's at least had a little power surge, homering twice in his last three games. I think most of us would be fine with him hitting in the .260-.280 range if he could hit for power, especially with the team's DH not pulling his weight in that department. We'll see if Hosmer can keep this up or if it's just an aberration. He's a young player and it's hard to know what to believe.

Now, despite Hosmer's short time in the league, he's already been featured on a number of terrible baseball cards. If you can put up with that terrible segue, you can put up with Royals vs. Cards: Eric Hosmer Edition!

Let's do this!

2010 Topps Debut #13:
I love everything about this card. Eric's doing the awkward underhanded-toss-to-the-pitcher-covering-first move, his mouth agape à la Mike Moustakas. He's got a curly white-boy fro peeking out from either side of his Blue Rocks hat. Perhaps best of all, he's rocking the baseball jersey with a gold chain and no undershirt, which is not a good look for anybody, but especially not a young, chubby Eric Hosmer.

2011 Topps Update Diamond Duos #DD5:
I swear I thought for the longest time this card read "Diamond Duds." 

By the way, if you don't know who Brandon Belt is, he's the first baseman for the San Francisco Giants. 

Here's a picture of him with a baby giraffe:

 Yes, I posted the Diamond Duos card just so I'd have a reason to include this picture. Sue me.

2012 Topps #35 (Variation 1):
Here's Eric getting forty gallons of Gatorade down his asscrack.

2012 Topps #35 (Variation 2):
Here's Eric broing out with his bros.

2012 Topps Archive Combo #58-BH:
Here's Eric traveling back in time to 1991 to decrease the value of a George Brett card.

2014 Donruss Breakout Hitters #2:
Here's Eric pulling a Kool-Aid Man and destroying some masonry. Please note that Donruss no longer has MLB licensing, so this card states that he plays for the "Kansas Baseball Club."

2014 Topps Opening Day Fired Up #UP16:
Here's Eric fleeing in terror from a badly photoshopped fire. Where's Fireman Jeff when you need him?

2012 Panini Triple Play #36:
Here's a cartoon Eric Hosmer wearing the facial expression of a cow. Also, even cartoon Eric Hosmer is shitty at sculpting his facial hair.

But that's not the worst Eric Hosmer cartoon card.

I give you...

2013 Panini Triple Play #34:
Truly disturbing.

We'll just leave you with that last image burned in your brain.

Go Kansas Baseball Club! Keep Winning!

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