July 31, 2014

Orange is the New Bingo

 Other Royals sites do a great job of giving readers a larger scope of the Royals organization. Many have a staff that pumps out several articles a day, all of them brilliant takes on the players, coaches, and management.

At Royales with Cheese, I'm lucky if I get two or three posts out a week, and they usually contain little to no insight. Hell, a couple of weeks ago I posted an article that was just a picture of Jorge Orta's dog.

Anyway, I'm getting a hankering to dig a little deeper. And by deeper, I don't mean more thoughtful. I mean, literally deeper. Like, down a level. Or two or three.

I'm talking, of course, about more focus on the Royals minor league system. Now, I know other sites cover the development of the players. That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the mascots. 

The weird, ridiculous mascots.

For this new series, I plan to cover each mascot in the Royals minor league system. I want to know who they are, what they are, and why they are. But mostly what they are. Like, what the hell are they supposed to be, anyway?

First up, we'll look at Bingo, the orange blob that dances on the dugouts for the Rookie-level Burlington Royals.

Some background: Burlington, North Carolina, is not the home of the Burlington Coat Factory, believe it or not. It is a town of just under 50,000 that is known as "The Hosiery Center of the South." I guess they make a lot of socks and pantyhose there. I don't know. The team's twitter handle is @BRoyalsKC, which sounds suspiciously familiar. It's pretty likely that Australian teen pop sensation Lorde stole that for the chorus of her Grammy-winning song "Royals." Of course, then the Kansas City team stole the line back from her song to make it their slogan for 2014, #BeRoyal.

Barely into this new series and we're really getting to the bottom of things, aren't we?

Anyway, let's look at this goofy-ass mascot.

Here's Bingo:


A few things jump out at me right away. First of all, as I normally wonder with mascots, what is Bingo?

It's orange, furry, and pantsless. Back in the day, we used to call that Porky Pigging it. It seems to have no genitals (though I do find myself examining that bulge there a bit too closely. Is that a camel toe? Some furry orange balls?).

You can tell Bingo's a happy, uh, creature, based on the open-mouth grin, though it's toothless, which I find unsettling. It has big, cartoony eyes, which make him look like a cross between a generic muppet and
Felix the Cat.


And there's something else strange about Bingo. Like fellow mascots Oprah Winfrey, Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, and Matthew Perry, Bingo seems to have an issue with fluctuating weight. Check out this picture for proof:


Definitely carrying around some extra fat in the belly, hips, and thighs there. Quite a contrast from the svelte figure with the androgynous crotch we showed earlier.

In fact, now that I mention it, I want to go back to the mystery of the bulging mascot. I've got a picture of Bingo pulling a Basic Instinct pose that may clear things up...


Hmmm... still hard to tell. Bingo is sort of in-between skinny and fat here, though.

Maybe seeing this mascot in action would help.

Here's Bingo dancing with a lady:


Rocking what looks like front-butt there. But still hard to tell its sex.

This might be a good time to mention Bingo's shoes. Consider for a moment the fact that this thing is wearing a hat, shirt, no pants, and shoes.

Reminiscent of Chico Lind's favorite look.


Okay.

Let's try one more picture.

Here we go.


Whoa!

I guess that clears things up!

Definitely male. Definitely sporting massive wood.


Alright, now that we have that figured out...

Umm...

I'm getting bored with this now, frankly.

I guess that's enough about Bingo.

Well before I go, in the spirit of this new series, I want to address an egregious error on my part. Last week, I shared with you some pictures of Royals players as little kids. However, I failed to share maybe the most horrific baby photo of all--that of Royals mascot Sluggerrr. 

If you are pregnant or have a heart condition and you managed to avoid going into labor or dying while looking at pictures of a mascot's dingus, I recommend you stop reading this post now.

Okay, here is Baby Sluggerrr:


Gah! Burn it! Send it to Hell!

Nothing creepier than an anthropomorphic baby lion with a crown head and Amish beard. 

Go Baby Sluggerrr! You'll Be Haunting My Dreams Tonight!

July 29, 2014

Still Keeping Up With The Jones Store (and the Wild Card?)

After a brutal series with the Red Sox following the All-Star Break, the Royals seem to have pulled their heads out of their asses and taken series against division rivals Chicago and Cleveland. They close out July with a three-game set at home against Minnesota. Will they keep winning? Will they leapfrog three teams and stave off the three teams barely behind them to get their first playoff bid in twenty-nine years?

My guess is the next three games go well, the Royals appear on the verge of taking over a wild card spot, then proceed to shit the bed the first two weeks of August, relegating them to playing catch-up the rest of the way.

Why do I say that?

They have seven games with the A's in those first two weeks of August. That's the best-team-in-all-of-baseball Oakland Athletics. They've managed to avoid them all season, but that's about to end. We'll be seeing Rex Hudler riding a donkey in a matter of days, and there's nothing we can do about it.


The Royals have a relatively easy final six weeks after that, with a lot of match-ups against teams with lesser records like the Rockies, Twins, Indians, White Sox, and Rangers, so they will probably still be in it fairly late in the year. However, barring a total collapse by the Tigers (the Royals do have six contests left with them), and implosions by Toronto (nah), New York (maybe), Seattle (hmmm), Cleveland (eh), Chicago (likely), and the surging Rays (yikes), the Royals aren't making the playoffs.

It's also fairly likely at least one of those teams above makes a big splash in the next two days and acquires someone that helps it rise to the top. I doubt that team will be the Royals.

Anyway, you don't come to this website for baseball analysis. At least, I hope you don't. Let's get to the good stuff, like Jones Store ads featuring awkwardly posed children wearing sideways baseball caps and acid-wash jean shorts.

If you missed the last batch of these covering 1983-1986, here they are. Then come back and check out the following ads from 1987-1991. Remember to click on them to get an uncomfortably close view of late-80s/early 90s fashion.

1987:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y99jJay38Cc/U9fFYMOBbnI/AAAAAAAANHU/hJ0ZhL0u6JA/s1600/1987-royals-jones-store-ad.jpg


1988:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Cajr1YEysLY/U9fFxzo8lQI/AAAAAAAANHc/RoAkqLT8ljk/s1600/1988-royals-jones-store-ad.jpg


1989:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ellm4KXCwRk/U9fGZARvOUI/AAAAAAAANHk/TmzxB0NwR9M/s1600/1989-royals-jones-store-ad.jpg


1990:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oaQiDrU_Lis/U9fHR0QQvkI/AAAAAAAANHs/qXFlVcdpKCM/s1600/1990-royals-jones-store-ad.jpg


1991:

Go Zubaz Shorts and "Joe Cool" Snoopy Tees! You're the Best!


July 24, 2014

Pining for a Hit

Time for another edition of Royals Record Club! It's the thirty-first anniversary of the Pine Tar Incident, and we've got a single crafted to cash in on that historic moment. No, I'm not talking about "Pine Tar Wars" by that fake truck driver. We covered that last season. This is better than that song, but then again, it would just about have to be.

I'm talking about "The Pine Tarred Bat (The Ballad of George Brett)" by singing cowboy "Red River Dave" McEnery. Never heard of it? I'm not surprised. I only discovered it last year, and I actively collect this kind of crap.


Probably the best thing about this 45 is its packaging. It's not just a blank paper sleeve or a plain artist name/song title cover like most record singles come in, but actually has art. We get a drawing of Red River Dave and some sort of dirt-cloud brawl, with arms and legs and hats that say "Ump" sticking out of it. My favorite part is the bottom of the pile, which features what appears to be a dead George Brett.


Now obviously the image doesn't reflect the reality of the incident, but it may have sold a few extra 45s to Yankee fans. Once they bought it, they were probably disappointed since the song is primarily a celebration of Brett.

We'll get back to the song in a little bit, but first, let's talk about Red River Dave. Born in San Antonio in 1914, his initial claim to fame goes all the way back to the 1930s. He was a singing cowboy, adept at rope tricks and yodeling, and often appeared on the radio in Texas and Mexico. A song he'd written and performed called "Amelia Earhart's Last Flight," which capitalized on the recent disappearance of the aviator, gained national recognition when he performed it at the 1939 World's Fair in New York. Interestingly enough, many people who saw Red River Dave perform at the fair didn't see it in person. You see, RCA introduced the television set to the general public at this event by broadcasting Franklin Rooselevelt's Grand Opening speech. One of the other things shown on the television at the fair? Red River Dave singing about Amelia Earhart. In case you're curious, other firsts at the fair included air conditioning, flourescent lightbulbs, color photography, and a seven-foot tall robot named Electro the Moto-Man that could talk and smoke cigarettes.

Red River Dave had a long and varied career. After a stint as an infantryman during World War II, he got into the movies. He was featured in one full-length western and eight shorts between 1944 and 1948. He spent a large chunk of the 1950s hosting a local television show in San Antonio. Following that, he sold real estate. All the while, he continued recording and releasing songs based on current events. Among these were "The Ballad of Emmit Till," "The Flight of Apollo 11," "The Ballad of Patty Hearst," "Viet Nam Guitar," "The Ballad of Three-Mile Island," and "Shame is the Middle Name of Exxon," which wasn't about the famous oil spill, but rather was just Red River Dave bitching about high auto repair costs from his local Exxon station. He even wrote a song about the Manson Family, and it's one of the weirdest country songs ever (though Eddie Noack has him beat in that category). As a bonus, here's Red River Dave's "California Hippy Murders":


Red River Dave was ridiculously prolific, releasing hundreds of  songs through various labels and independently. He said, "I write a song every day after checking the daily newspapers." On a bet, he once wrote fifty-two songs in an eight-hour period while handcuffed to a piano. Somehow, through this long life of writing and recording music and appearing in film and on TV, he also found time to paint. In fact, if you have $3500 (plus $50 shipping/handling), you can be the proud owner of this Red River Dave original:


McEnery passed away in 2002 at the age of 87. I think it's appropriate to share his Royals-related song just a few short months before what would have been Red River Dave's 100th birthday, on the anniversary of the event he memorialized. Here is "The Pine Tarred Bat (The Ballad of George Brett)" by "Red River Dave" McEnery, followed by the lyrics poorly transcribed by me. Turn it up and sing along.


"The Pine Tarred Bat (The Ballad of George Brett)"

Come and gather around
all you baseball fans
and a tale you'll hear from me
about George Brett
and his pine-tarred bat
in the year of '83.

Oh the pine-tarred bat
that's where it's at
in the game of baseball today.
Don't rub it too high
or someone will cry
and they'll steal your home run away.

Oh the inning was nine
and there on the line
was Brett with confidence.
He wiggled his shanks
and shook up the Yanks
when he knocked it over the fence.

Billy Martin of course
with his voice gettin' hoarse
was screamin' as he thrashed about.
He claimed that the tar
was up too far,
then the umpire called Brett out.

What a hullabaloo,
boy I'm tellin' you,
in the baseball world what a noise.
Giving pine tar the blame
and stealin' the game
from the Kansas City boys.

Well the ploy did fail
cuz Lee MacPhail
big president in baseball
took Brett off the hook
"Let the record book
show a homer, tar and all."

Well I hear folks chat
about "Casey At the Bat"
and tell it how Casey did fade.
I'll tell 'em, you bet,
about young George Brett
and the pine tar escapade.

Whoa the pine tarred bat
that's where it's at
in the Cooperstown Hall of Fame.
Let's give three screams
for both fine teams
and the great American game.

(Humming)

Let's give three screams
for both fine teams
and the great American game.

--------

Go Red River Dave! You're the Best!


July 22, 2014

Royal Babies R Us

The world is a mess. Thousands of child refugees are waiting to be made U.S. citizens or exported. Planes are getting shot out of the sky. Hundreds are being massacred in the Middle East. Jim Fucking Rockford died. And, of course, the Kansas City Royals continue to fall in the standings.

But guess what?

None of that matters.

Why?

BECAUSE TODAY IS THE ROYAL BABY'S FIRST BIRTHDAY!
 
And we have an EXCLUSIVE picture of Baby Prince George.

I know what you're thinking: 

How in the hell did Royales with Cheese, the dumbest blog to ever blog, get a picture of the future King of England?

The excitement, as they say, is palpable.

 SQUEE!

Here it is, an RWC Exclusive:


What a handsome young lad!

He'll make a great king someday, I'm sure of it.

Anywho, all this hoopla over some dumb baby that didn't do anything other than be born to a couple of rich assholes got me to thinking.

 What did some of our favorite Royals ballplayers look like when they were young?

Well, I just happen to have a few pictures.

Time for our second edition of Royals Portrait Studio! These are real photos of the players in question.

First up, former Royals rookie sensation third baseman in 1987 and unjustly fired hitting coach in 2012, Kevin Seitzer:
Showing off the defensive prowess that led to a .949 fielding percentage in his career.


Here's what outfielder Michael Tucker looked like as a kid:
Now we know where the bug eyes came from-- he stopped wearing his glasses.


Next, we have the Royals All-Time Saves Leader and current KC broadcaster, Jeff Montgomery:
Check out those ears. Nothing a mullet can't fix.


This outfielder hit 31 home runs for the Royals in 1991, and even participated in the Home Run Derby at the All-Star Game that year. That's right, I'm talking about Danny Tartabull:
He had a badass swing, even as a kid.


Next is David Letterman's favorite shortstop, Buddy Biancalana:
Preparing his dog for a Stupid Pet Trick, no doubt.


How about Royals workhorse starting pitcher and current Angels color guy Mark Gubicza?
Jumper? Check. Black socks? Check. Straddling a weird toy truck with a pre-Mario-Brothers Mario?! 
Check mate.


And finally, current Royals first baseman and former fat kid, Eric Hosmer:
Proof that even the most Eric Cartman of kids has a chance of being a professional baseball player. BEEFCAKE!


Go Royal Babies! You're the Best!

July 16, 2014

Royals Portrait Studio #1

Presenting the first of many Royals Portrait Studio posts! I've got quite a few of these lined up, so hopefully you enjoy looking at pictures of your favorite Royals in goofy poses while sporting bad clothing, hairstyles, and/or facial hair. 

If that's not the case, then you make me sad.

Here's a great one to start us off. It's a 1985 photograph of Royals DH Jorge Orta with his wife Geraldine, sons Jorge, Jr. and Craig, and their lovable family dog.

 

Go Orta Family Dog! You're the Best!

July 14, 2014

Where My Peepers At?

The Royals limp into the All-Star Break after a disastrous series with the division-leading Tigers. They don't look like the team that won ten straight a few weeks ago. Alex Gordon is out with an injured wrist. Jason Vargas had to get an appendectomy. Nori Aoki is hitting leadoff again for some reason. Raul Ibanez is an old, tired man. Things are not great right now.

I felt like ranting about how awful the team is playing, but what would be the point? Instead, I decided to channel my energy into something productive.

That's right, I spent half an hour dicking around on photoshop.

You loved Royals Without Eyebrows. You liked Royals Without Teeth. You appreciated Royals With Tiny Faces. And, even though this series is clearly on a trajectory of diminishing returns, I'm going back to the well.

Presenting....

ROYALS WITHOUT EYES





 










Go Eyes! Faces Look Super Creepy Without Them!


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