July 3, 2014

Cardboard on the Fourth of July

Happy long-ass holiday weekend everybody! 

America is turning two hundred and thirty something years old and I'm already celebrating with beer, burgers, hot dogs, beer, fireworks, music, beer, whiskey, beer, and beer.

It's been a while since I've done a Royals vs. Cards post and I feel obligated to update this stupid blog, so here we go.

Which Royals player should we do? 

Uh.... Angel Berroa? 

Sure, let's do Angel Berroa.

Normally, I'd write a fairly lengthy summary of Berroa's career, but I assume if you're a Royals fan you don't want to be reminded of the complete and utter collapse this dude had. For those who don't know, here's the gist of it-- he went from fan-favorite stud to piece-of-shit turd over the course of a stupidly premature $11 million contract extension from Allard Baird. He was good for one year and then terrible for the next four.

Here are some of his worst baseball cards:


2006 Upper Deck #220:
You can't see his face, but you know it's Angel because of the godawful attempt at a slide, which seems to be a requirement of Royals middle infielders. Also, the choice of font makes "Berroa" look a lot like "BERROR," which I can't help but feel is deliberate.


2004 Fleer Ultra #14:
In case you've forgotten how Angel looked in the field, this is a nice reminder... he resembled a drunken sorority girl at a bar who was attempting to play darts for the first time.


2004 Donruss Studio Stars #5:
I dare some teenager to print this weird faux license/baseball card off, put some Contact paper on it, and try to use it to buy some beer.


2004 Absolute Memorabilia #TT15:
At least the previous card was trying to look like a license... this card is 75% empty language, lame clip art, and negative space. There's something poetic about a "memorabilia" card that isn't even slightly memorable.


2007 Topps Classic Combos #659:
Nothing says "classic combo" quite like two backup shortstops squatting and grinning like idiots.


2004 Fleer Authentix #78:
Wow! A baseball card that looks like a baseball ticket, complete with perforation dashes and a UPC symbol! Throw this in the trash when you get home and it's almost like you really went to the game!


2001 Royal Rookies Throwbacks #21:
Here's Angel posing as if he's a character from Eight Men Out or Field of Dreams or The Natural or some guy in a photo on the wall of the Sears Portrait Studio waiting room that you have to stare at for forty-five minutes while you wait to be photographed for a series of family pictures that you don't really want to be a part of but you'll keep your mouth shut and do it anyway because it's Christmas and at least everyone is finally out of the goddamn house.


Oh boy... being too much of an angry drunk when I'm trying to be a funny drunk...

Let's lighten things up a bit for the final card:


2004 Donruss Studio #6:
Following his forced retirement from the sport, Angel moved to the American Southwest where he now sells inside-out baseball caps on the side of the highway. Sadly, there's no rally cap for his career.

Hmm, still more mean than funny. 

Oh well. I guess that's pretty much what we do around here.

Go 4th of July! You're the Best!



2 comments:

  1. Surferdude8:42 AM

    on the combos card--they are in the stands! Not on the field. And where there heck are they anyway, sure 'nuff not KC. Maybe they're waiting to catch a lob from the peanut guy or something. Love this, RWC.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If I had to guess, I'd say the background is from a spring training stadium (but it doesn't look like Surprise), though I'm pretty sure they're superimposed on there. In any case, a terrible design. Glad you liked the post!

    ReplyDelete

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