July 31, 2014

Orange is the New Bingo

 Other Royals sites do a great job of giving readers a larger scope of the Royals organization. Many have a staff that pumps out several articles a day, all of them brilliant takes on the players, coaches, and management.

At Royales with Cheese, I'm lucky if I get two or three posts out a week, and they usually contain little to no insight. Hell, a couple of weeks ago I posted an article that was just a picture of Jorge Orta's dog.

Anyway, I'm getting a hankering to dig a little deeper. And by deeper, I don't mean more thoughtful. I mean, literally deeper. Like, down a level. Or two or three.

I'm talking, of course, about more focus on the Royals minor league system. Now, I know other sites cover the development of the players. That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the mascots. 

The weird, ridiculous mascots.

For this new series, I plan to cover each mascot in the Royals minor league system. I want to know who they are, what they are, and why they are. But mostly what they are. Like, what the hell are they supposed to be, anyway?

First up, we'll look at Bingo, the orange blob that dances on the dugouts for the Rookie-level Burlington Royals.

Some background: Burlington, North Carolina, is not the home of the Burlington Coat Factory, believe it or not. It is a town of just under 50,000 that is known as "The Hosiery Center of the South." I guess they make a lot of socks and pantyhose there. I don't know. The team's twitter handle is @BRoyalsKC, which sounds suspiciously familiar. It's pretty likely that Australian teen pop sensation Lorde stole that for the chorus of her Grammy-winning song "Royals." Of course, then the Kansas City team stole the line back from her song to make it their slogan for 2014, #BeRoyal.

Barely into this new series and we're really getting to the bottom of things, aren't we?

Anyway, let's look at this goofy-ass mascot.

Here's Bingo:

A few things jump out at me right away. First of all, as I normally wonder with mascots, what is Bingo?

It's orange, furry, and pantsless. Back in the day, we used to call that Porky Pigging it. It seems to have no genitals (though I do find myself examining that bulge there a bit too closely. Is that a camel toe? Some furry orange balls?).

You can tell Bingo's a happy, uh, creature, based on the open-mouth grin, though it's toothless, which I find unsettling. It has big, cartoony eyes, which make him look like a cross between a generic muppet and
Felix the Cat.

And there's something else strange about Bingo. Like fellow mascots Oprah Winfrey, Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, and Matthew Perry, Bingo seems to have an issue with fluctuating weight. Check out this picture for proof:

Definitely carrying around some extra fat in the belly, hips, and thighs there. Quite a contrast from the svelte figure with the androgynous crotch we showed earlier.

In fact, now that I mention it, I want to go back to the mystery of the bulging mascot. I've got a picture of Bingo pulling a Basic Instinct pose that may clear things up...

Hmmm... still hard to tell. Bingo is sort of in-between skinny and fat here, though.

Maybe seeing this mascot in action would help.

Here's Bingo dancing with a lady:

Rocking what looks like front-butt there. But still hard to tell its sex.

This might be a good time to mention Bingo's shoes. Consider for a moment the fact that this thing is wearing a hat, shirt, no pants, and shoes.

Reminiscent of Chico Lind's favorite look.


Let's try one more picture.

Here we go.


I guess that clears things up!

Definitely male. Definitely sporting massive wood.

Alright, now that we have that figured out...


I'm getting bored with this now, frankly.

I guess that's enough about Bingo.

Well before I go, in the spirit of this new series, I want to address an egregious error on my part. Last week, I shared with you some pictures of Royals players as little kids. However, I failed to share maybe the most horrific baby photo of all--that of Royals mascot Sluggerrr. 

If you are pregnant or have a heart condition and you managed to avoid going into labor or dying while looking at pictures of a mascot's dingus, I recommend you stop reading this post now.

Okay, here is Baby Sluggerrr:

Gah! Burn it! Send it to Hell!

Nothing creepier than an anthropomorphic baby lion with a crown head and Amish beard. 

Go Baby Sluggerrr! You'll Be Haunting My Dreams Tonight!

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