August 29, 2014

Some Punny Title about TV and/or the Royals

Hey everybody! I made some funny pictures about the Royals being on TV shows because I do things like that sometimes. Usually I'd write a lot of jokes and puns and stuff connecting the Royals to these shows, but it's Labor Day weekend so I'll just go meta and save us all some time.

Let's do this: 

Something something TV! Something something Royals! Something something Royals TV!

Here are the shows!

Kratz's Creatures (Weekdays at 4:30/3:30 central on PBS):
Jokes and puns about Erik Kratz and lemur puppets and PBS and shit.

Ibañeza (Sundays at 9/8 central on NBC):
Jokes and puns about Bonanza and Raul Ibañez and Billy Butler and Little Ho AKA Greg Holland and cowboys and Hop Sing and shit.

Punky Bruceter (Sundays at 7/6 central on NBC):
Jokes and puns about Bruce Chen and Punky Brewster and Soleil Moon Frye growing up to be hot as shit and shit.

Yost in Space (Wednesdays at 7:30/6:30 central on CBS):
Ned Yost is a dick. Send his ass to space and shit.

There you go.

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend, everybody!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

August 26, 2014

Emil Wrapping Up Your Summer Movies For This Summer

Hey all you movie fans! I am sorry I ain't stop by to talk to you bout the movies that come out the last few weeks. I was on my summer vacation to the Florida beaches!

I walk on the shore and I fed some seagull some Doritos and I ate lots of good fishfood and I got my swerve on at some of the hottest clubs in Pompano. I also drunk some Everclear from a big pinecone that they give me at my hotel which was pretty baller.

I also went into a Gater park and saw a crocodile jump out the water up into the sky to eat a chicken that some guy thrown in the air for it! Then next I went down into the Keys which are bridges cross some islands down at the bottom of Florida and they had good bars and hot chicks in binkinis and I was 90 minutes from Cuba which is full of Commies.

But then I realize I forgot to tell you bout all the good movie that come out the last couple weeks and now summer is over so that means some real bad movie coming out soon but football starting so its all good! I will tell you what you miss and what is coming out before the end of the summer but I am real sorry!

Into the Store (August 8)
This was a movie bout some dudes who go running after the bad weather and get swallow up by tornados and hail. I like some storm movies like The Twister with the flying cow and The Perfect Storm when Mark Wallberg got killed by a wave. This might be good but I ain't seen it so maybe when its on FX I will watch this!

Step Up All Into The Streets (August 8)
The teenagers from the Step Up movie are now all in other movies like Shannon Tatum is in 21 Jump Street or they are now not doing any movies cuz they can only dance good but not act good.  This one is the new Step Up movie with new teenager who dance in the streets but it was a big old flop so forget this movie!

Teenager Mutant Ninja Turtle (August 8)
Now these some cool teenager cuz they are also big old green reptile monsters who live in the sewer and do karate with swards and numbchucks. This is one of the greatest ninja turtle moves ever and you should see this if you like seeing green freaks of nature doing some shitkicking!

Let's Be Some Cops (August 13)
Two of the New Girl's husbands decide to steal a cop car and some cop uniform and then they act like fake cops who get drunk and smoke some chronic and party but also try to stop some crimes. This a funny movie bout dressing up and being someone you ain't.

The Expandables 3 (August 15)
Sly Stone and all the other old action hero dudes from the 1980 movies go on a new mission that is real boring like the last two times and I seen this one and I wanted my money back from this so don't see this unless you like old guys on dumb missions and don't like to use your money on the good movies.

Sin City A Dame to Kill 4 (August 22)
Sin City was a cool movie that come out forever ago with a lot of violent killings and bloody fights and it look like a black and white comic strip with tits! This is the sequel so you can bet the killings and tits is bloodier and bigger then ever before but still in black and white so that kind of sucks!

If I Have To Stay (August 22)
A girl got in a car wreck and she is in the hospital in a comma and she has all the crazy dreams and memory and she might even meet God in this movie! So she got to decided to let her self die or do she want to come back to life and wake up from the comma? If it was me I would wake up cuz YOLO!

When the Game Staind Tall (August 22)
This is a football movie of some kids playing football at the De La Soul school and the Jesus from The Passion of the Christ movie is coaching these kids. Well this coach is real good at winning and he don't loose for years and his kids don't loose for years! In real life most kids are loosers at sports and still get the trophy but this movie says you don't deserve the trophy unless you win which is a good massage!

The November Man (August 27)
James Bond is back and he is a hit man who is call the November Man cuz when he come to town all the people die like all the trees and grass and flowers die in the month of November! So it's a baller nickname for a murderer that also makes a good joke bout how seasonings change!

So those the movies for the rest of August. What did you see? What you gone see? After this is Labor Day and September and school and football so that's all there is for this summer so it's over! Good bye, Summer! We will miss you!

Go Movies! Your the Best!

August 20, 2014

The Thrill That'll Getcha When You Get Your Picture on the Cover of a Dying Medium

The Royals are on fire. They keep winning and winning and winning. They have somehow become one of the front-runners in the AL. Barring an epic collapse, we'll finally see something we haven't witnessed since 1985. The question now is not so much whether or not they'll make the playoffs, but how they'll do when they get there.

It's been weird seeing the national media struggle to figure out how to talk about the team in a non-mocking way. Hell, I'm a loyal fan and you'll notice I've basically stopped tweeting about them or discussing the current squad on the website, as I really have no idea how to deal with this situation, either.

In fact, the team has broken out in such a crazy way that they are even featured on the (regional edition) of Sports Illustrated! Of course, the national edition of the magazine features Little League breakout star pitcher and first female to appear on SI wearing something other than a bikini in months, Mo'Ne Davis. 

But getting on a regional cover is pretty good, considering the Royals have very rarely even appeared within the pages of Sports Ilustrated during their playoff drought. Here's the cover, featuring Billy Butler doing a home run trot around the bases while fans go crazy.

It's pretty cool, for sure.

I mean, can you image if earlier this season the editors over at SI had decided to do a cover story on the Royals?

It would have been a lot more embarrassing.

Thankfully, those covers won't be on actual magazine racks this week.

They'll just live on forever on this site and on Google Image Search.

Go Royals! You Really Are The Best!

August 14, 2014

The 500 Hats of Steve Balboni

I was looking through the 1986 Royals yearbook the other day and was greatly amused by the picture for the recently christened (and twenty-eight years later, still standing) Royals single-season home run leader, Steve Balboni. While "Bye-Bye" Balboni was never a great looking guy, this picture is pretty adorable:

You just don't see portly, balding men in baseball much anymore. If a guy is balding (and even if not) he might shave his head, but this hair-on-the-sides-but-not-on-top doesn't really fit the look of a modern athlete.

I thought about how Balboni might look in a toupee, and even considered getting Lacie Numbers to work up a makeover, but ultimately decided there was a simple solution.

A hat.


Baseball players almost always wear hats. There were probably fans that had never seen Balboni off the field, and therefore, may not have even realized he was bald.

So the easy solution is a hat.

Scratch that. 

A lot of hats.

Behold, the first in a new series, "The 500 hats of Steve Balboni."


Only 487 hats and 38 more posts left in this series!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

August 11, 2014

Sweep Sweepback's Baadasssss Song


Hell of a weekend for the Royals and their fans. Billy Butler has started hitting like a DH now that he's a first baseman. Alex Gordon homered on Nebraska Night and again on his bobblehead day. Jarrod Dyson stole three bases in one game. SungWoo went from being Twitter famous to Kansas City famous.

Oh yeah, and the kid in the mustard suit had his pants fall down during the hot dog race.

Somehow, someway, this team has won fifteen of its last eighteen games.


The Royals are the hottest team in all of baseball.

And the rest of their schedule is very favorable. In fact, I don't think the Royals will end up a Wild Card.

I think they may take this division. They have a bunch of games with the Tigers over the final month of the season. If they play even close to how they have in this stretch (and the Tigers play as poorly as they have lately), the Royals become the AL Central champs for the first time ever.

Which means the twenty-nine-year playoff drought may really be coming to an end.

Which means I won't know what the hell to do with myself.

Maybe make a Chiefs blog?


Let's hope it never comes to that.

Before I go, let's bust out a couple of new obligatory sweep graphic, tailor-made for the San Francisco Giants:

See how easy it is when you have a decent mascot?

Go Royals! Nosotros Creemos! Be Royal! Our Time! You Gotta Love These Guys! Etc!

August 8, 2014

Diamondbacks On The Soles Of Their Shoes

The Royals are in the playoffs! The Royals are in the playoffs! The Royals are in the playoffs!

Well, maybe. Not really. There's still two months left of the season. 

So, probably not.  

Who knows, though?

The Royals made the most over the last three days of playing the Arizona Diamondbacks, a team that lost its best hitter over the weekend, is littered with rookies, and has little fan support. Only 40,000 fans showed up in the desert to see the entire series. Basically, it was sort of like the 2014 Royals were playing the 2005 Royals.

 So let's get the obligatory sweep graphic out of the way:


Oh wait.

Now we're done.

Okay, time for some Friday fun.

Let's see what's inside Bo Jackson!

Remember the Bo Jackson Puppet Kooler?

We've put some weird stuff in him. But today, we decided to go with something a little more, uh... seasonal?

Sure, we'll go with that.


WIBJ #4: Zucchini

There you go.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

Go Summer Squash! You're Weirdly Elongated!

August 5, 2014

Bellwether's Guide to the American League Central: Chicago

Man, man, man. These Royals just keep on winning and losing, huh? (mostly winning! but also losing!) but we’re still not mathematically eliminated (at least not yet, I think?) Maybe they are, who cares. The most important thing is that we all continue to freak the shit out of every at bat of every game.

And, whelp, I wouldn’t be doing my duty properly if I didn’t prepare you to do so by continuing my series of explainers on our Boys in Blue’s division rivals that probably should have been done in April or May at the latest but it’s August so who cares shut yer butt and read. Up next: Chicago!

What’s a Chicago?

What do you think of when you think of Chicago? Lake Shore Drive The Loop & The Picasso in Daley Plaza? Hot dogs & deep dish pizza & fine dining establishments? The Super Fans & Bill Murray & Second City comedy vets? The Field Museum & Shedd Aquarium & the Adler Planetarium? Michael Jordan & Bobby Hull & Ernie Banks & Walter Payton? Yeah, all of that.

You know what you don’t think of? A bunch of piss drunk Polacks urinating in public, yelling at women to show them their tits. A bunch of piss drunk Micks pounding a 40, beating the shit out of an immigrant. A bunch of piss drunk Krauts belting out Motley Crue, rolling down the street in an ‘87 IROC. You know why you don’t think of these people? Because the city of Chicago doesn’t want you to know that these people exist. These people are White Sox Fans.

Full disclosure: I lived in Chicago until I was 11 years old, and while I grew up firmly implanted in the far northern suburbs, one side of my family is South Side to the bone. TO. THE. BONE. And they are the greatest people in the world. They are all incredibly loving, caring, salt-of-the-earth blue-collar people and I love the shit out of them, and I would never lump them anywhere near the people I described above.

But it’s hard not to overgeneralize when “Gamboa’d” is now a verb in our parlance meaning “to be beaten on the field by the most stereotypical of all White Sox fans.” Plus, the point of these little columns is to piss on your rivals, so all due respect to all of my aunts and uncles and cousins, I love you, but man, it’s easy to rip on White Sox fans sometimes.

Still, there’s something charming (is charming the word?) thinking about living in 1972, drinking warm Miller High Life in some wood-paneled smoke-filled basement bar on the South Side, playing pool at 1PM on a Saturday, listening to Dick Allen take one deep at Old Comiskey on a AM transistor radio hanging over the beer tap. Say what you want about fathers and sons and sunshine and box seats and bringing your glove to catch a foul ball, that first scene above is just as indicative to the American experience. That scene, to me, is White Sox Baseball.

Also, the Gamboa thing.

So, they’re called the White Sox, right?


So, they’re kinda like the Red Sox?

Kinda. Where the Red Sox had an 86-year World Series title drought, the White Sox had an 88 year drought. I guess, that’s about where the comparisons end.

Where the Red Sox had a number of near-misses over the decades, the White Sox were absolutely Royals-esque in their ineptitude. clocking in with a stretch of 40 years without a postseason appearance.

Where the Red Sox are hot chicks in pink hats, the White Sox are Denise Swerski with a mouth full of dip spit and polish sausage.

Where the Red Sox have hours and hours of national coverage devoted to their franchise, the Chicago Tribune devoted more column inches on Hall of Fame weekend on Greg Maddux -- who played about a ¼ of his career for the Cubs -- than Frank Thomas, the greatest to ever wear a White Sox jersey.

So, how are they at baseballin’?

This year? Not so good! Actually, they’re better than last year, but that only counts as good if you’re the Royals. While they’ve definitely suffered thru many many seasons of futility in the past, they have had their moments over the past 25 years, riding the bat of the aforementioned Thomas to playoff appearances in ‘93 and 2000, and riding the bat of Scott Podsednik all the way to the title in 2005.

But this year? Yeah they suck. Which means they’ll surely rip our still-beating hearts out of our chest when they take all of the last seven they have against us this year.


Jim Thome
Jim Thome is 112 years old and still plays for the White Sox, and also every other team in the major leagues.

Paul Konerko
Paul Konerko is 112 years old and still plays for the White Sox. He is literally 112 years old.

Jose Abreu
Rookie. Also from Cuba which means he’s a dirty Commie. Look at those eyes. He’s going to kill your entire family with his dirty Commie hands.

Homeless Ron Burgundy
82 home runs on the season with 2,042 strikeouts.

Chris Sale
Remember, the Royals picked Christian Colon in 2010 because he was the most “major league ready” prospect in the 1st round. They passed on Chris Sale, who has 70 more major league starts than Colon, and is a pitcher.

Loves to fly, apparently.

A Speedbag

Go White Sox! You're the Best!

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